2 Kinds of Perfectionism in Narcissistic Relationships
Ever feel like you're constantly trying to be perfect in a narcissistic relationship—yet nothing is ever good enough? In this video, we explore the two kinds of perfectionism at play: the narcissist’s belief they are perfect, and your desperate attempt to meet their impossible standards. This toxic dynamic can leave you anxious, exhausted, and disconnected from your own life. Learn how to break the cycle and reclaim your peace.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend🫶🏻
Narcs need enablers to maintain their illusion of perfection.
Even if the narcissist was perfect, they’ll still never be satisfied.
They are not perfect at all (even they think they are almos God…).
So true and they also keep changing the bar.
Get out while you can
Please , if you are young , listen to this profoundly , as I am 71 and only wish I had realized this at an earlier age . However I am grateful for the knowledge of this now !!!!😊
❤I feel this same way at 50. But yes, thankfully, we got it now! Congrats to you
They are chronically judgmental, and even my ocd ppl pleasing ‘skills’ weren’t enough. It’s hard to say I’m grateful, but this experience FORCED me to focus on my health, which was in a serious (I mean SERIOUS) decline while living with them. Woke up to a nightmare today which I feel is a sign of progress, because I’m defeating their hold on my life during the day. I look forward to no more of that.
I had a neighbour who told me ‘no one can ever please your dad’ when I was 12. I’d started crying in front of them and told them how horrible I felt that I could never seem to get things right for my dad. Having another adult say something with such empathy broke part of the spell. I became more rebellious after that and stopped seeing him through rose coloured glasses.
Sometimes all it takes is ONE adult speaking truth to a child to save them from the potential destruction of damaged/damaging parents. So glad for you!
The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller has more on this topic.
My late narcissist mother saw us children as extensions of herself. My young sister had worked at the same hospital where my mother was a secretary to the nurse administration. One day my sister felt sick and called out sick for her shift. My mother became enraged at my sister, shouting “how dare you call out”. She made my sister call back and go into work. My mother was only concerned about how she herself would look to the chief nurses. No concern about how my sister was feeling at all.
They care deeply about how people view them, they care only about themselves, it is heartbreaking. I am sorry for you and your sister💙
Both my late parents were this way. In the ethnicity/ culture they came from the children were seen as an extension of the parents. “Don’t do anything to embarrass us” was a common warning we heard growing up even into adulthood. We were never allowed to fully be ourselves. It got so bad at one point my sibling went no contact with my parents for 5 years.
The sad part in all of this was my parents passing away without ever knowing what they did was wrong.
@@Know1uknow-g5h sorry to hear that.
So Brilliant. Their delusional sense of perfection is so arbitrary. “THEY don’t even know what they want.” We can stop being slaves to this sick dynamic when be become aware.
he wanted the wooden molding along the floors polished every week. after like 20 yrs, i stopped cleaning above the basics and he didnt complain any louder than when i was putting in hours and hours every day. i got no more sh.. than usual and freed up about 20 hours a week.
Bittersweet for sure when you realize if giving your entire soul over to someone could heal them, it would have worked by now.
I had a friend. One day I made a mistake and he had to wait about 20 minutes while I sorted it out. He sent me a text message later saying I had made him mad, and I apologized. But he also said that from now on I was to obey him without question or else. I gave things several months to cool down and didn’t hear a word from him, so I figured I wasn’t forgiven and do blocked him. Later I got a message from him acting like nothing had happened. I went no contact and have stayed no contact, because friends don’t behave the way he did. Narcissists, however, do.
This really hit home. As a young bride and mother I tried so hard to be perfect but there was nothing about me that was right, absolutely nothing. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I tried to appease him throughout our short marriage, I let it continue to affect me through a good part of my adult life, trying desperately to be perfect. Researching and learning about these personality types has helped me immeasurably to be in a much better place.
So glad you clarify what I experienced. I tried to b perfect and if I wasn’t it created the shame. After 30 years I am out but suffer from severe GAD. Silent treatment was the punishment. One was 4 months long (the first one).
Had to learn this later in life. Do your best, but sometimes good enough is good enough.
When I was confronting my old man about what happened growing up, he snapped at me, “Did you expect us to be perfect?” I was stunned. Of course I didn’t. I couldn’t believe he said something so stupid. “You expected ME to be perfect, and nothing I did got you to notice me!” You would have thought I punched him in the gut. He DARVO’d and turtled up. Nothing was resolved. Now I have the least amount of contact with him as possible.
To this day I am a pathological perfectionist. It’s been one of the hardest issues to heal. Telling myself that I’ve done my best or I’m good enough still feels strange. I still have high standards, but they are less ridiculous, and they don’t control me as they once did. No one is going to yell at me if it’s not perfect, and if I make a mistake — it’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m allowed to do it too.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
You can never hit the target to be perfect because they target is. It is a threat to them, makes them look bad, the more perfect you are. And if you hit the target bullseye by dumb luck or careful calculation, they move the target to make sure you can’t hit it again.
6:38 “They actually believe perfection is possible and are forever pissed off at you when it’s not” Yup!!!
I can remember something about my dad being really strict at restaurants when we were really young. I remember something about the utensils making noise against the plate. There may have been more. He had the more quiet type of rage then.
The only perfect I do these days is listening to every single delightful word of pure understanding from your gracious voice Dr Ramini 👏🏻