Are you bad at conflict – or just TRAUMATIZED by a narcissist?
Does conflict make you shut down, panic, or take the blame just to make it stop? If you've been in a narcissistic relationship, that reaction makes sense – because conflict there wasn’t about resolution, it was about control. In this video, we break down why narcissists can’t do real repair, how that distorts your sense of healthy communication, and what repair actually looks like in safe relationships. If you’ve ever feared that any disagreement could end everything, this will help you reframe that fear.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
The conflicts caused me to be silent for 4 years in school. Barely talked at home as well. Still affects me today because rather than sharing any feeling. I won’t say a word.
The elephant in the room over time becomes a vast herd of elephants, in one that keep repeating the same underdeveloped pattern of behavior.
Walking in eggshells is so constant, it’s the water we’re swimming in, and so we wouldn’t even know THAT we’re doing it, let alone WHY we’re doing it, if it happens in childhood, and then it seems “normal” in adult relationships, always anticipating meltdowns or shutdowns
What about the narcissist that is passive aggressive!!! It’s hell!!! And when I confronted them all they did was go behind my back and destroy my character 😡
It’s a horrible feeling when you’re accountable about your mistakes and you make a vulnerable apology to someone and they don’t even respond and just ignore you.
Thats my in laws for me….
I can feel what u mentioned here.
Yeah time to move on if possible, grey rock if not.
or use your vulnerable statements or apology against you as a weapon
I don’t think they actually understand the concept of a sincere apology … they apologize when they have to but they don’t mean it, so they assume you don’t mean it either. That’s my experience anyway …
Even worse when they attack you because you “admitted” you did wrong and continue to use it to attack you and bring it up and say it makes you the problem and they REFUSE to be responsible for their actions because they “never did that”
Freezing is something that happens to me often when I’m faced with conflict or any difficult situation. Like when things get very tense or someone lashes out at me, I just shut down like a deer in headlights. I used to think I was being weak, but now I understand it’s something that was learned since I was young, just to feel safe. It’s from all that trauma. I’m still working on it, and still healing. But understanding why it happens helps me feel a little better about myself. Just taking small steps now to stay present and not feel invisible in those moments.
I go into a freeze response when I deal with conflict all around me. I will dissociate to escape the situation for hours.
Arguing is fruitless.
The rx told his best friend that .. ,” “she’s pathetic”on his phone I was under his window returning his dog that ran away …there is no repair for men like that .Yes I never confronted him
Conflict becomes Crisis Mode
My sister is a narcissist. I had to walk away, cut away 100%. No one in the family understands except my one son and my husband because they witnessed 1st hand her abuse. It just sucks because she’s the only sibling I have, but I realized the more chances I gave her to hurt me the worst it is. Just can’t give her an inch. Haven’t communicated in years but she’s still trying to hurt me.
This describes the situation Im in, to a tee. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Thank you for this message. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and during my youth I would not even express an opinion if I thought a friend would think the oposite. It took a long time to realise where this ’lack of independance’ came from. I thought I just had low confidence but… the truth is I was not allowed to express myself or be happy or feel safe or loved while growing up. It took time but I am healing.
I look back now and realize that premarital counseling should screen for narcissism. This would have saved me much grief. However, the narcissist greatest strength is fooling anyone trying to help them (like a counselor) into believing nothing is wrong when you know at home something is wrong.
True. One thing I learned over 62 years.. never go into therapy with a narcissist. They can fool even seasoned professionals. And you already know that they are pathological liars right? One more zero sum game to avoid.
@@geraldfriend256 I also wonder what else they are hiding. My experience is the narcissist has a highly introverted personality, and you will not know how they feel or be able to communicate with them.
My son went to counselling with his then girlfriend, now wife. He literally told me that she believed everyone was against her and some of the things he confided in me had me very worried about how controlling she was. I sense that he came out of therapy believing that he somehow had to compensate for her absentee parents growing up, caving in to all her wants and desires, without being allowed to have any of his own and also, that I am the worst mother in the world, though we were actually very close and got along well up until then. He estranged from me and they have since married. Long story short, we reconnected for several years and are again estranged but during that period, I found him to be stressed, and maybe even depressed, though extremely loyal to her. So yeah, they can fool just about anyone to believe just about anything and premarital counselling doesn’t necessarily help avoid it but can even have the opposite effect.
Make myself small and agreeable. That’s the message I got from most everyone. I avoided conflict. Even saying that I liked music that was different from them felt like I was betraying them.
But I still make myself accountable and vulnerable to people I want a close connection with. Because THAT is where the relationship grows!! Sometimes it becomes amazing BECAUSE of a resolved conflict! Life is weird like that, right? 🤷🏽♀️ Take care y’all. ❤
I’m glad your speaking up now ❤
This is why I struggle. And no wonder why I’m awful at negotiating in my best interests.
Growing up this way really undermines self-worth. Feeling “worth-less”, how can I defend being worth anything? I have learned some basics, and I lean on friends who are good at it, but it is an enormous challenge.
It is like facing the tiger.
This is so sadly true. Taking the blame is my go-to for sure, and feeling guilty for bringing up issues and having difficult conversations. However, this has helped me get out of narcissistic relationships once I realized how conflict feels how often I am bringing up issues, and how the person responds. Does the conversation feel fulfilling, does things get better? Does their behavior change? Narcissists don’t know their why’s and their behavior feels confusing. The relationship gets worse to the point of no return because there is no true repair, sadly. Thank you, Dr Ramani ❤❤❤
If you are abused as a child and seek out abusive partners you do so because being abused is your reality. It is all you know. You equate abuse as love. A narcissist is always looking for someone who is fragile and emotionally tortured as it makes it easier for the narcissist to gain your trust and manipulate you. The initial stage of a courtship with a narcissist always begins with the narcissist “love bombing” you meaning that the narcissist cannot tell you or show you enough throughout the early days of the relationship how much they adore you. The narcissist adores you they do not love you. They are incapable of love. They will not stop doing everything in their power to make you trust them and love them. Once the narcissist is convinced that you love them they begin to isolate you from family and friends. Your family and friends will tell you that the narcissist has said or done something outrageously evil and you will not believe them. Why would you? All you see is a person who “loves” you so you will take the side of the narcissist and the narcissist is enjoying destroying you and those you love. Narcissists are constantly undermining you and they do it in such a rapid amount of time you are not aware of it. If you have an inkling or a feeling that you are being abused or manipulated and you confront the narcissist the narcissist will make you feel guilty for doubting them. You will apologize for doubting them even though deep down inside you know you are not wrong. Usually at this point the narcissist has alienated your family and friends so you are totally and completely dependent on the narcissist as a source of love. When a person is in a relationship with a narcissist and they realize that something is not quite right the abused partner will feel intense fear. Their blood will run cold.
For example the abused partner may come across a text message or email that has a emotional connection to someone else and the abused partner will think the narcissist is having an affair. No person abused or not wants to believe that the person they love is cheating on them. Narcissists are incapable of being faithful to one person. Narcissists once confronted with infidelity will make you feel like you are “crazy.” At first when they are caught being unfaithful they will deny it. If they deny being unfaithful it only means they are not finished with torturing and humiliating you. In the narcissists mind you have done something to deserve your abuse. If you “show weakness” by crying or begging the narcissist will begin to openly torture you by texting their new lover in front of you, leaving for days at a time without explaining why. They will talk down to you and they will not hide what they are doing at this point. They are ready to leave and they have no feelings for you. they never did. At first despite all of the pain and the humiliation you will beg them to stay. You will beg for forgiveness even though you have done nothing wrong. You are not thinking about the abuse you are currently being subjected to you are remembering the initial “love bombing” stage and you are fighting to get that back.
The narcissist has you mentally at the point where you begging and pleading for a reconciliation even though you are going through hell and you may not love the narcissist at this point. You know from experience how much a breakup has devastated your life and you forget how much better life became when you ended your toxic relationships mentally and emotionally. It feels like you are waiting for tests results that will tell you if you have a incurable disease or not. You cannot eat or sleep or focus on anything else but the relationship that has unraveled as quickly as it began. It is impossible to be objective. The narcissist is no longer taking your calls. You are left imagining that the narcissist is happy with someone else and it eats you alive. It tears your heart apart. The narcissist has taken over all aspects of your life. They have done all the banking, they have done everything for you so at first it seemed like they were doing everything for you out of love. Not only is your relationship suddenly over you feel helpless and terrified because you have not done everyday tasks and you doubt that you are capable of looking after yourself when someone was so willing to look after you. Even though you are traumatized you are making small gains and taking back your life. You are in so much emotional and mental pain you do not see or realize that although you are grieving the loss of the relationship you are making decisions on your own and you are slowly moving on with your life. It takes a long time to heal from a toxic relationship. You are not the same person you were before the relationship and you come to understand that. You come to understand that you have learned some valuable insights about yourself. You went through hell and you survived. Before moving into another relationship you need time to heal and time to process what happened and how and why it happened. You can take what you learned and move into a new and healthy relationship or you can move into another relationship that is toxic and destructive. No one wants to feel pain. Some people jump right into a new relationship without healing from their last relationship. Some people self-medicate. The only cure for pain is to go through it. Feel it and let it do its worst. Eventually you start healing. If you do not go through the pain and avoid it it will be waiting for you. It is better to go through the pain and be done with it once and for all. The initial passionate, sexual, and romantic phase of a relationship is normal at the beginning of a loving relationship. However, if someone is moving too fast and taking over your life at the beginning of a relationship you should hear warning bells and listen to them.
Additionally, If you need to find out about a Cheating Narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com
The contents on this video is fascinating. 25-12-2024.. I had the worst Christmas holidays imaginable, the love of my life left me, my backbone, joy giver and my better half. We have been separated since then, with two kids, now she wants a divorce, my whole world is crumbling before my very eyes. What hurts the most is the fact that i was the cause, i was drowned with work and sometimes we do not communicate for months. I am a marine engineer, so it was difficult to stay in touch when I was absent, at first she could take it but later it kept creating a void. If you are reading this, never neglect your partner, I haven’t been the same since then. I will do everything to get her back
It is always difficult to let go of someone you love. I was in a similar situation my husband for 20 years left me. i couldn’t just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring him back. I recommend this for you if what you say is true and you love him
Wow.. how did you get a spiritual guide, and how do I reach him or her?.
Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters, and She is a great spiritual guide.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
So true Dr Ramani, so true
Codependents too are a huge source of learned helplessness in conflict. The person who comforts you after conflicts is (often) the person who got you with the narcissist, gaslighting and manipulating every step of the way, as if your feelings are the sole source of conflict. “Unity and loyalty at all costs” is not how healthy families navigate life together.
God bless Dr. Ramani! Every day, I listen to her and each day I make progress. She’s helping all of us dig ourselves out of the narc dynamic with very clear instructions! Each step forward is a gain. Don’t look back folks!
I struggle badly with this. Would be great if you could do more videos about this topic.