How to Make Yourself Hoover-Proof
Hoovering is the narcissist’s way of pulling you back in—often just when you’re starting to heal. It can look like love, regret, or kindness, but it’s really about control. This video breaks down why hoovering works, how it sneaks up on you, and what it actually means when they suddenly reach out. Learn practical, real-world strategies to become more hoover-proof—and stop getting pulled into the same toxic cycle.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Thank you for this info to get past stuck places. Missing links help alot!
I’ve been forgotten and ignored so many times that when I get hoovered, it doesn’t even feel like they’re talking to the real me. They’re just reaching out to some version of me they made up. You can’t pull me back in when I was never really there to begin with. I’ve learned it’s better to stay away from people who only see me when they want something.
You get it 😊
You just described my son’s episodic estrangement with me. His gf has NPD. They show up when my life is going too well or my grand daughter needs something. The verbal abuse I have accepted is unbelievable & out of character for me.Neither of the know the real me. Their perception is so off.
You make a very interesting point. The narcissist assumes you are always going to be the same person you were, and that you’re secretly waiting for them to fall back into your arms. It’s the sheer gall and audacity of these people that absolutely amazes me.
Thank, Dr. Ramani! Love your top💖
Dr Ramani has just from what I can see, such an unbelievably precise way of describing problems in relationships in terms of psychological understanding. It’s really really good. And I totally mean that.
Yes! She just keeps getting better at integrating the knowledge and examples with how people will react and what to do with it, and all with a healthy dose of reality and care. Mad teaching skills!
@moniquejackson7741 yes indeed — well put regarding integration of knowledge
This week, the divorce from my narc was finalized after 20 years of marriage. It’s a little surreal. Now I’m trying to get my bearings.
It takes as long as it takes. Make sure you’ve read It’s Not You.
🎉
Good luck! We are very happy for you! It is not easy! Proud of you!
Glad you’re away from narc. I’m happy for you!!!
Be careful not to fall for it again I did 🍀
When my father used to try to hoover me I would just say remember when you said I was dead to you? Well, as a dead person I will not be responding to anything…
I love it!🎉
😂👏 beautiful
My ex literally just tried hoovering after decade of zero contact. 🤢 I didn’t respond but I was so confused about why he’d try. This helped explain it.
Dont ! SMH mine hoovered me after 17 hrs and I regret hooking back up with him now 😮😢
Spot on. And really on time!! Dismissive older golden child sister is visiting this country right now. She typically doesn’t say hi or bye when she visits and will ignore my greetings or invites. She will reach out when she needs a ride to the airport. Now that she’s over with her husband, she’s wants all of us to get together and have me host a dinner at my apartment. I ain’t going there with her. A month ago She sent me a letter saying she wants all of us to have a great relationship, the letter is super user friendly and fake AF. I’m not spending my resources to host a dinner for her abuse behaviors.
I also love the fact that Dr Ramani stated how hoovering can happen several years down the line. Some people will think oh it’s been 7 or 10 years and maybe the person has changed. Nope…. Like she said they play the long game.
33 years!! No, they don’t change. Still a seedy, dishonest jerk!! Just wrinklier!!
It’s about the game, not you ❤ thanks for making it easy
Oh yes,,, absolutely ❤
Brilliant. Change the name in your phone to, “Don’t respond to this Fool!” Love it.This is some next level teaching, Dr. Ramani. You are STILL so Great at this, and getting better. BTW, you look really pretty in that color blue.
I just block the number.
Again, perfect timing. I was contemplating emailing someone from my past. Big mistake. Deep down I believe I was doing exactly as you described. I am “healthy” now with all my new knowledge, I can win this round. Wrong. I will keep locking forward not backward.
Looking at the rear view mirror stops us from seeing what’s ahead! Great insight.
“It’s about the game, not you”. Exactly. It’s like when my cats hunt. They don’t feel anything for the thing they catch. They just like to hunt and maul their prey. Narcs are the same. I went NC with them, only attended my parents’ funeral on zoom. It hurt but I need peace. I got off FB and took down my music site that my ex was cyberstalking. No access, period.
Dr. Ramani, Thank you. I just have to say, that even though you post “little clips” of commentary about this devastating subject for free on YouTube, what you are doing is no small thing. I have been in a pretty grievous situation that has affected my ability to have income and so, I have not been able to financially get the counseling I have desired concerning a very detrimental relationship I somehow escaped. The way you share and explain in simple terms and for free have been quite literally a massive tool that has helped me come out of an abyss. I really feel I would have died without your quick moving but steady spotlight over my raging seas, drawing me safely back to shore. Thank you so much. I appreciate you! 😭🙏🏽
Wonderful to hear such gratitude and even more wonderful to hear you persevering when many would collapse. Good for you! May your healing journey lead you to a happy life!❤
“It’s about the game, not you” is so key to not getting sucked back in. The “ick list” has been my go-to to stop me from reaching out. Thanks, Dr. Romani.
I agree. My journal was the first thing I thought of. Take care🌸
As sick as it may seem to others, keep the ick list in the back of your closet or wherever suits you.. just don’t throw it away thinking you don’t need it once you’ve left. I used mine for the strength to leave, but I have pulled it out in moments of euphoric recall AND during their hoovering attempts. It stops my vulnerable self in her tracks and reminds me I don’t want to experience their nonsense ever again.
@@Time2bhere You too!
@ANRV84 Yes, it is a literal life saver. I was in 4 years and got hoovered over and over; more than I want to admit. A week ago, I finally went no contact and blocked. Unfortunately, my phone service allows him to leave VM. I heard his attempts to hoover, but pulled out the ick list. Early days, but never going back!!
@amyadams3215 What matters is that you have a game plan. Without them, we make mistakes. It may be early days, but trust me, you’re on the right path.
(305 days no contact and counting for me..)
Best wishes for your healing journey ❤️
Thanks doctor Ramani, the lightbulb came on when you said “we are both adults…” Nooo. We are not 😂😂😂. He’s a five year old on a body of a 60 year old THROWING A TEMPER TANTRUM. That’s how I remember him, 2 years distance from the final discard ❤
It took me 4 Hoover-discard cycles to learn it. 😬 I’m a little slow I guess. But now I’ve got it. 💪🏼 the 5th Hoover failed.
Sometimes it takes a long time to heal. We aren’t dumb or slow, we just don’t understand what they are doing and we are still not loving ourselves
It took me a while as well more times than you so dont feel bad. It was finally over when I said its over.
I can relate, but I think it’s also that we find it hard to accept who they are as wouldn’t behave this way, and we try to be a nice person and see the good in them…I’ve learnt that lesson the hard way too, now am prioritizing myself ❤
Hoovers all look a little different. It could be flirting or it could be baiting you into an argument. It’s their game played by their rules (and rules change). Just walk away without explanation. You don’t owe them anything.
My mother has been seeing my dad again recently. Two weeks prior, he had called the cops to her job, attempted to kidnap her, put his hands on her, and tried to break into our apartment after we picked her up (on top of other things).
Your videos have been helping me better understand all this stuff that is happening, but I wish my mother could see it too.
Omg 😢😢
You’re untouchable when their flattery sounds like noise instead of music.
I have to say that when Dr. Ramani said, “Am I not even worth hoovering.” I thought,” this woman is a genius.” I felt that way about one narcissist I am no longer involved with, thank heavens. I didn’t really want him to hoover me but couldn’t understand why he never even tried. It was like I was worth even less than nothing to him. Thank goodness for this wonderful woman and the incredible work she is doing to help educate people about all aspects of narcissism. Even the parts we might not want to face. I don’t think she realises how much she means to so many survivors of narcissistic abuse. She seems very humble. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You will never know just how much you are really appreciated. 🌺💐☘️☘️🌹🌸🌺🌺🌹