If you stop seeking the narcissist’s approval, THIS will happen next
What happens when you stop seeking the narcissist’s approval? The relationship deflates like a sad balloon because your constant striving was the only thing keeping it alive. This video breaks down why chasing their approval feels like holding onto a slimy rock in a storm, and how letting go reveals the empty, one-sided nature of the connection. Learn why approval isn’t love—and why giving up the chase is the first step toward getting your life back.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Thank you Dr Ramani for all that you do ❤
What’s left? Freedom! Glorious freedom!
I gave up on getting approval many years ago! I’ve been free to live my life by my own standards ever since. One narcissistic sister is still alive. I will NEVER have anything to do with her. I’ve been done for years!
Total freedom!
So much Amen to this!
Amen!!!
Such an insightful angle!
Never thought of this before…
If someone only wants you for what you can do for them, it’s not real love.
The best way to get rid of them is to stop trying to get their approval. Worked wonders on my ex-husband. When he realized his opinion and wishes were not important to me, his ego was so bruised, he stopped trying to manipulate me.
Well that’s just the problem, you DON’T WANT them to discard you so you keep trying and trying to please them! We feel insufficient and a failure!
@@elcee7800 When my ex-husband cheated on me I was devastated however, years later I am grateful that he did because I wonder if I would not have still been stuck in his foggy web of abuse. Being discarded is a blessing in disguise. We just don’t realize it at the time. Coming out of isolation, the positive feedback I was receiving from the new people in my life helped me realize that I wasn’t all the awful things he told me I was, that I wasn’t a failure nor insufficient. The narcissist will never acknowledge your wonderful qualities because they fear they will lose control over you if they do.
@@elcee7800 When my ex-husband cheated on me, I was devastated. Years later, I am grateful that he did because I wonder if I would not still be caught up in his foggy web of abuse. Being discarded is a blessing in disguise. We just don’t realize it at the time because we are so caught up in trying to reach the bar that is forever being raised. The positive feedback I received from the new people in my life once I came out of isolation was enough to help me understand that I was not all the awful things he told me I was, that I was not a failure and insufficient and that I was not only enough but more than enough. Being discarded was one of the best things that happened to me.
There is an unbelievable sadness connected with relationships based in narcissism when you realize that the conditional love, creating “satisfying” conditions for the narcissistic relationship, are ultimately so unbelievably empty, will never ever get you to real love. Feel it and know it. 😢❤
Dr Ramani and fellow survivors….I did it🎉💪🏾🎉.It was so painful to do…after 3 yrs of personal healing work and being hoovered twice by FOO ..I finally blocked narc Mum and enabling blindsided peace preaching Dad, 3 days ago …she tried to carry on with the pushback and pull backs and more invalidating barrage of insults and unfair comparisons …I ignored it all & deleted the messages and blocked both of them finally…my sanity, my well being & healing work, I’ve done and still doing is more imperative than what they’ve both put me through. I feel free like a huge load has been lifted, after 28 yrs of this emotional turmoil forever seeking their approval, their love and to feel safe but nothing I do ever works…I am tired!!😩 😩 and I just want to live in peace. Your videos/books/healing progs. have been so helpful and an enormous saving grace. Thank you.❤❤❤🤗
I don’t want to see anyone crumble… Just want to live my life in peace and Love 💖😢
I acted normally when my scapegoat father died, his narc mother just became more unhinged and I kept getting calls saying there were these unnamed fights. But no one would even tell me what I was doing wrong… which makes me think everyone knew she was unhinged but they also weren’t comfortable asking me to be abused… but they sure as hell we’re okay implying I should be abused through pressure.
No one told me what was going on so there wasn’t any way for me to fix it and they just acted like i understood.
Took 2 years before I went from a normal life (as good as you can get I suppose in a narc family) to me literally running away and moving to another city.
This message was truly insipirational Dr. Ramani. Thank you
I received a writing accolade when I was a teenager, but even then, no one in my family acknowledged it.
What I have found out with the narcissist, is that no matter what you do to get them to notice, love or care for YOU, it never works. From the very beginning of any relationship, the narcissist desires or reaches out to anyone for all the wrong reasons. They need constant supply for their OWN needs. If you supply those needs continually, then you are worth having around. If not, you will soon see distancing, criticism and ultimately their interest in someone else.
Thank you for that last statement. “Real Love is Safe.” I think you just coined a phrase Dr. Ramani.
“Because your approval seeking was the major fuel powering the engine.” So true. You just described my life in a nutshell.
Yes. In my first marriage to the narcissist, I tried SO hard ALL THE TIME to get that approval. I’m not even sure I was really aware of it. My ex, all she did was check out on pills and social media, hiding her addiction to pain meds and benzos for years. As well as all the social media relationships she had with former lovers behind my back.
Me? I pursued and obtained multiple professional certifications in my career field. I did the grocery shopping, the chores, cooked all of the meals. I took out three kids to church and volunteered every Sunday and Wednesday playing for the services and teaching the youth. I coached TWO different youth basketball teams every season for years, as well as soccer for my daughter. When she was in high school marching band, I have up my Friday nights and Saturdays as an unpaid roadie to support her interests. I did all this while working, often 50+ hour work weeks. My ex? She didn’t work. She didn’t cook. She didn’t clean. Except for the daughter I adopted when we got married, she didn’t even help take care of the two boys we had together. That was all me, too. I read and prayed with them every night for years. I also read books on being a better husband, a better father, better Christian… just a better person. I worked so hard. And no matter how much I did, no matter how hard I tried — regardless of how much she WAS NOT doing — it was never enough. Never good enough. I was never good enough.
BUT. There is a silver lining to this story. After catching her yet again, trying to have an affair behind my back on social media, I finally had enough and filed for divorce. A prioritized taking care of the two sons that live with me after the divorce, and I actually met an absolute angel of a woman while I was still healing and recovering from life with a narcissist. All that work, all that time and effort, I put into being a better person… My second and much more deserving wife gets to enjoy the fruit of all that labor. And not only does she appreciate it, she reciprocates it. That made all of the time I spent in that crucible of a miserable marriage to a narcissist worthwhile. I couldn’t be happier. And even though I still really make an effort to give her the best version of myself, I feel like I’m not even trying anymore. And enjoying so much more appreciation in the process. I consider myself very fortunate to have escaped the Shawshank prison of narcissism.
Once I stopped seeking the approval of my narcissistic family and went no-contact with all of them 13 years ago, I have been thriving — and I am happy. Now I seek my own approval, and I’ve never led myself astray. And yes — I’m very proud of myself! 🌟 👏
❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Can I ask a question about no contact…. Sooo I made the decision to go no contact about 3/4 weeks ago…. I feel free but also incredibly guilty…
I’m struggling with a few things…
How did you manage the emotions around finding out something bad has happened to them… e.g. they have passed away… (I say this example as the extreme outcome)
How do manage those big emotions…
Dr Ramani, thank you. I think this is my biggest source of pain. And it feels shameful even to admit. The illusion of safety that comes with approval. Why isn’t it enough that I approve?!
It took me 5 years to get a divorce from a malignant narcissist and since the divorce the more boundaries I set the more vicious, manipulative and devilish he becomes. And I still get angry.
There are children involved and it feels like a part of me is still waiting for him to do the decent thing. My brain can’t understand how a human being can behave like this towards his own children. I won’t go into details but illness is involved. I have come to conclusion I never will understand. And perhaps it is this “not understanding” that actually is my saving grace.
They’re SOULLESS, DEMONIC ENTITIES!!!😈👾👿 HOPE that Helps! 😊
This channel continually helps me realize I’m not crazy, but was dealing with a personality pattern that was perpetually pissed at me all the time. I was always in the dog house no matter what or how hard I tried. Thanks for helping me feel that I wasn’t always the source of the problem. ❤
My narcissists are total strangers and my trauma isn’t about relationships as I’ve never been in one but yes Amen.
When I think back, I realize I wasn’t even living consciously – I was just reacting. Then I read NPT Code by Elias Draven and for the first time, I saw how much my subconscious was running the show. The exercises felt strange at first, but within days I started noticing tiny changes in how people looked at me, how conversations flowed. It’s like reality was testing me to see if I was paying attention. That book changed everything. ❤️
I really feel this no win situation where it’s like you’re supposed to be perfect, but you’re not allowed to be perfect. Thank you for mentioning the risk of triggering their competitiveness in your efforts to be good enough for recognition from them.