Softboy or Vulnerable Narcissist?
At first, the “softboy” seems like the opposite of a toxic partner—gentle, open, sensitive, even emotionally aware. But sometimes that softness is just a mask for something far more manipulative. In this video, Dr. Ramani breaks down how to tell the difference between genuine vulnerability and the softboy persona that hides narcissistic patterns.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Vulnerable narcissists are typically covert and they always play the victim. There’s always something wrong and you have to correct it for them, when it isn’t even your fault. They usually create these problems on their own from their laziness, lack of awareness or emotional instability.
Sounds exactly like my ex girlfriend.
Just another variant on the covert or “nice” guy … still highly manipulative with intent
Yasss🎉 I love the youths. This is exactly my ex-husband, artist/teacher. Thanks for this video about this new term/name. It really captures it.
❤❤ thank you for this! Now I see those red flags – and the narc I deal with is 100% softboy. I thought he was different, I fell right into it.
How did you fall into it though? And also did he show his actual self a long time afterwards?
@ceterisparibus8966 I thought he was the nice guy. He was so sweet, thoughtful, gentle. Wanted a family. Seemed family oriented which I hadn’t really found before. BUT it was mimicry, love bombing etc. I was so blind. Then blamed myself for years – i needed to communicate better. And his sweet facade chipped away…probably over a few years. And I’m just now seeing he truly never shared my interests.
I fell in love with a soft boy with long hair at 17 . A poet . He turned out to be so toxic and evil and triangulated me with another girl and was stalking my instagram stories never interacting with them but watching me everyday for weeks and comparing himself to me saying he wished he was as pretty as me . He claimed to be a communist but acted like a dictator in love .
Dr.Ramani~ I GOT OUT!!!! almost TEN years!!!! But I, me and my son… WE FINALLY GOT OUT and moved into our own safe place. THANK YOU for ALL your help, your book, your videos, THANK YOU! Healing is in process and we can finally breathe!
#freedom #survivor #warrior
Bravo!!!.
👏 👏
Congratulations! gGood job going into momma bear mode and protecting you and your son. I hope you eventually share your story to inspire others who are still too afraid to leave.
Good on you! It will only get better. The ones who know, know.
I was married to a classic soft boy for 38 long stressful years. So happy now that I am free of him and wish I could have broken away sooner. He has managed to convince several of our nine children that our divorce was my fault. They are aware that he was a habitual cheater but he convinced them I was just unforgiving. But even with all of that, I am so happy to be free! Ladies, if you are in this, get out! The sooner the better!
9 children, seriously! So irresponsible, and you are complicit as well as him!
Yeah they always get me! I’m learning to avoid them within the first weeks/ months now ahaha I like more sensitive guys, and I confuse manipulative vulnerability with family man vibes, thank you for the video 💛💛💛
I stopped hanging out in the groups that had the “softboys”. I would see it immediately. Even in topic debates, their tactic was to have a viewpoint that pandered to the women they wanted to sleep with. It was the “nice guy” tactic coming in from the side. Most women whether we dated or not would come back and talk about how cringy they were and how angry they could get. At times I want more friends and dating opportunities but then I remember I value my peace lol
Yes! This is exactly how my ex was, presented very soft and gentle, his anger was silent treatment, manipulation and gaslighting. And his manipulative nature was very much covered by false ‘concern’ for my lack of exercise, style and not eating organic 😂 I had so much confusion as ge wasnt the stereotypical grandiose narcissist – although he did find status in things and thought he was better than everyone.
I loved the little voice you did with the ‘Ive never felt like this before’ nonsense too 😂
You eat junk and don’t exercise? Ok then.
I was married to one of these, and over the years have dated many “soft boys” because male anger and control scare me. After the initial capturing of your heart, the devaluing and gaslighting begins, and holy mama, watch out and get out! Also, I have a sister who is very much like this. She speaks with calming, hypnotic softness, like an understanding, purring kitten, that relaxes one’s guard, draws people in, while she is collecting information, reactions and responses, to use and elevate herself and her position (whether financially, socially, familial). Soft as a kitten in voice and sound, but the claws and sharp fangs come out in acidic-like rage when she wants to do as much damage as possible. Nasty stuff to stay away from!
What family dynamic made your sister this way? Do you keep your distance from her?
I don’t think being a softboy is the issue but presenting yourself as one when you’re not. It’s an image of innocence, introversion, sensitivity, care, meekness…
Funny the video is about soft boys after dreadings video yesterday iykyk
@b-six-twelvethe USA (your nation) has always supported Trad Roles but being a free country, everyone has the right to be whatever they want…..as long as they don’t force pronouns onto the rest of us.
Even if you were in a Blue state, getting an autism diagnosis isn’t easy. Conservatives treat everyone regardless of their personal preference with respect.
I had a roommate that hid behind this persona that actually was a nightmare fragile ego Narscisst. Like the rest of us, we have to be cautious about who we become friends with.
Yes and they may be delusional about who they actually are as well, or not attempt to correct your assumptions about who they appear to be in time to mitigate future emotional damage – to complicate the matter further! Case in point: My narc ex. Right before he broke up with me at the start of the pandemic said, I am not a sweet man. I used to call him that: the somewhat shy guitarist who acted socially awkward but who is actually Satanic (not kiddin, wish I were!). It was like he took off the mask right then and there.
Thank you for this video, you are so right and this is so helpful and validating of my experiences. I used to get into relationships with “soft boys”, specially the last one, even with my ongoing learning about narcissism with you. I have got to realized that they matched the vulnerable narcissism traits. It took me a few relationships, and ongoing learning and healing to realize this and understand why I get into this kind of relationships. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your valuable help❤❤❤
“When the softboy’s back is against the wall or when you finally really exert yourself or when you may not yield to what it is they really want…” hit hard. The gentle, intellectual, literature professor softboy persona evaporated and was immediately replaced with gaslighting, manipulation, weaponized silence, with a side of passive agressive devaluation. Perhaps the most masterful manipulator I’ve ever encountered. And I grew up with two narcissists in my origin family!
Thanks Dr Ramani. I wished I found you 7 years ago. I knew something was wrong since the start, but I thought it was just in my head. So I stayed to see if it was a pattern and overtime I accepted that it was not going to change and because I had a friend who fulfilled other parts of my life like buying cakes for my birthdays etc I was able to stay in it. I knew it wasn’t fair to me, but I thought I could handle all and provide myself everything he couldn’t emotionally. This year, the spell broke.
Vulnerable narcissist not talked about much, and I just thought he didn’t have the tools he needed to be an adult until I watched your videos.
Spot on dr Ramani. There’s a lot of soft wool over the predatory ravenous wolf pretending to be a meek ship.
*sheep
I can’t turn back the clock 20 years, but at least I know now. I will never be the same person again, but at least I am out. Soft boy, wolf in sheep’s clothing….your information has been an invaluable resource for me, so thank you.
In the excellent book, “Why Does He Do That,” by Lundy Bancroft, he terms the “soft boy” as the abusive male type “Mr. Sensitive.”
I head a uni student talking about that, saying he pretends to be shy to get women. I could not believe it.
Yes, so the do it … men and women can be this way.
I just ended a 2 year relationship this is exactly what my experience was. Lots of psycho babble, sent me into depression.
Good for you for ending it. ❤