The Competent / NOT Enough Paradox in narcissistic relationships
NORTH CAROLINA RETREAT
November 1-3, 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
As a child I remember saying to my parents I want to be…dad would reply you aren’t clever enough to do anything you are useless…he did the same for everything it wasn’t until I left forever that I made a success of myself…they do an awful lot of harm to young people peace and love ❤️ to all narcissist survivors
Same Wanted to go into medicine excellent grades school but got the self esteem knocked out of me as not clever enough😢
❤❤❤❤❤❤@@patricebest545
@patricebest545 so sorry this happened to you too I hope you did it anyway ❤
I love you to the moon and back Dr. Ramani !! Thanks so much for all you do for our community 🤍💯
My self confidence suffered badly because of them. I’m slowly developing my confidence now after crossing 50.
I’m finally free now @ 66 ❤️🩹 possible to learn & heal @ any age ♥️ it takes time so only stay positive with self talk & avoid more victim blaming or shaming
My life story! No matter what I did growing up, any accomplishment, it was never good enough for my mother. I wasn’t allowed an opinion, or allowed to be good at anything. Since going no contact 4 yrs ago I’m gaining more confidence in myself. The anxiety attacks are less frequent or less intense. I’m feeling less under a microscope when performing tasks. I find myself letting the little things go more often & find myself less OCD. We have to get away from the triggers & go no contact to retrain our brain.
Everything in this video I can relate. I remember mowing the lawn in a circle. But it was looking good but not like my narc father did it though. I was pretty fed up with him back then. Anyway the last bit of grass to mow looked like a perfect grave. My narc dad of course came out to witness the grave , the last bit to mow. lol and really gave me a perplexing and dirty look. Needless to say he’s gone now. I dumped his ashes in a graveyard. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had dumped them in the toilet. At 68 still trying to mend there are good days and bad. Ty Dr Ramani as always!
I was going to put my narc dad’s ashes in the neighbor’s pig pen! They hated each other & that man got his ashes scattered in his field. I let my younger sister deal with him & never went to a single funeral in my no contact dysfunctional family… really couldn’t care less since that’s just HIStory & now it’s time for HERstory 😉
@@caroleminke6116 I hear that!
Thank you for your words Dr Ramani. Your videos help me to understand myself better and heal emotionally.
So on point doc. I could relate to every word. This is my core wound, that I am not enough. I always feel like there is so much to do and I can’t catch up, like literally I want to press a stop button and catch my breath. My whole life there were demands that I should meet or face the end of the world. So, I am always living on the battlefield, feeling always not enough as the demands never end. Demands that a child could never meet, demands an adult needs help to meet. Without that life jacket, I am always drowning and I find it exhausting by swimming and swimming and swimming. I feel like I need a moment to take a breath and catch up.
But, doc, your words are guiding me. And I know I am not alone.
I always feel like you will always understand what I am saying. Because I don’t think no one ever did. I am so blessed to have known you.
❤❤
@@chandanadkarathully7752 I think we all here understand. Dr. Ramani has opened the door & let us all connect & see that we’re not alone. God bless her for that. It’s a long healing journey but we can get to the other side together & realize we’re enough. 💛
“psychological hollowing out”…that perfectly describes how I felt and still feel at times. Thank you Dr. Ramani.❤
I haven’t even watched the video yet, but just seeing the title I KNEW I’d resonate with this one.
My mom was forever switching up between ‘you’re an adult, go do it yourself!’ when I asked for help with something, and then completely ignoring me, not asking for my input, treating me like a child and then getting all in a huff if I said anything about me being an adult. Lol.
It’s completely absurd. No wonder I’m so confused and doubtful of myself. I’m slowly distancing myself from her and my sister. And I’m feeling better the less I see them.
I needed to hear this Dr. Ramani. As I work on my dream job which is indie game development (a lonely endeavor), the fear of being not enough is paralyzing. I feel competent I can do the programming but I fear I can’t communicate through my work. I fear I won’t reach my audience. I fear I won’t reach out to the hearts of the audience I want to reach and it can be very demoralizing. On day one of my journey, I felt my game would be successful financially but as I integrate these feelings I’ve come to accept the fact that the game might not be good enough and to not let this fact reflect upon myself as to who I am. Accepting what I’m feeling and silencing this negative self-talk feels to be the right path and this video confirms it. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Thank you again Dr Ramani. I rarely hear this aspect discussed. Feeling it again as my body has taken a huge downturn after all the mistreatment has affected my health, and then all the over achieving just to survive has continued to be necessary and as soon as it wasn’t needed to the same degree, my body gave out fully. Finding it hard to accept and feel confident that the major turn my life has to take will be ok. The purple dress will forever be a metaphor for me for so many things now.
My mom used to refold the towels I had to wash and put away.
She’s 82 now. Hasn’t changed
We can do it now. Thank God we have grown into people who can take care of ourselves now and when we were kids and we couldn’t have protected ourselves against abusers but now we can.
I know that was. Mother never could decide if I was competent or not. At washing dishes, at frying hamburger, at taking out the trash, at sweeping and mopping the floor, at the laundry, at anything.
The rule of the game being “You can’t win” was always part of the rules with her.
I even tested her once, doing the prep for cooking but not actually turning the burners on, and she still screamed that I was filling the house with smoke. Can’t do that if the burners are purposefully not turned on because I’m prepping first . . .
Man what a fire breathing broom riding (*&^%$#@)
@@cymbolichuman433 Christian. In my experience, most witches are wonderful people, while Christians are just waiting for a chance to burn a person at the stake.
In fact, I used to call Mother the Wicked Christian of the West.
I went from being 💯 independent competent and successful to not being able to function after a car accident caused me to have to move in with my family. Tired of overcompensating. They don’t see me no matter what I do. I recently got an important acknowledgement of success in my career, and when I told my dad, his response was ‘that’s interesting’ which was super disappointing. I give myself the praise they cannot. Proud of me despite their criticisms. Focusing on truths. Loving and validating myself. Prioritizing my health and safety. Keeping healthy boundaries. Knowing I am fine without them and I matter too. ❤ Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Wow, so Brilliant and Empowering. I’ll be watching this a few times. I am so grateful, Dr. Ramani, that you not only know when and what to bring to us, but also have the great teaching skills to help us grasp it.
How well this spoke to my experience! My narcissistic mother said, “it’s better not to try at all than to try something and fail.” Don’t try – don’t fail. Go through life in a straitjacket, and when you do work up the resolve to try something new, your inner critic raises perfectionistic hell and slams on the brakes. For safety – because the narcissistic people will make every effort to demean your achievements and tarnish your success. You become good at things from perservering alone, but feel intimidated about sharing them due to the backlash meted out upon excellence.
Your video could not be more timely, Dr Ramani! Thank you so much❤
Thank you for this video. Before I figured out the whole narcissistic mother/enabling dad dynamics (at about 55 years of age), I dreaded visits from my parents. I would tell them, “It’s amazing that 360 days a year, I am a highly functioning adult human being. Why can’t you see that and be nice to me?” In exactly those words. And then I would give in to it because they were in my house for the next several days and I just wanted peace. I stopped letting them visit my house about 8 years ago, saw them sporadically, and finally went NC 2 years ago. I am very appreciative of your material that speaks to those of us who grew up in narcissistic abuse. It’s not me! But I’m having trouble working through it. Things like this help so much.