The Accountability Test for Narcissism
What does real accountability actually look like — and why is it so rare in relationships with a narcissist? In healthy relationships, repair happens when someone recognizes their harm and takes responsibility without being pushed. In narcissistic relationships, that moment almost never comes. In this video, we break down why spontaneous accountability is the difference between a relationship that heals and one that slowly breaks beyond repair.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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They never apologize, ever.
I believe they do only if it works with their agenda with you… just another lie.
@SherryTomlinson-r2yhey sherry
My mom has never apologized to me. One gets used to it.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Is their version of an apology.
Oh mine would apologize all the time! He *never* meant it and used it as a form of manipulation.
Narcissists feel more shame than guilt or remorse
Never, and if they ever apologise, it means they are seeking something from you in return or they say simple sorry that doesn’t match the weight of their horrible act towards you. However, eventually, you will realise that every sorry, if ever, they said to you will be withdrawn by them.
I’ve never experienced any accountability from a narcissist. Instead on the rare occasion I’d get an apology it was only to get me off his back so that he could plan how to repeat the offense. Most of the time there is no apology only a statement that they won’t repeat the offense which they always do. And if the narcissist is really crafty when they repeat the offense, they flip it to somehow put you on the bubble and then insist that they need to “protect their peace”.
Mine always apologized during hoovering. Suddenly he became a champion at it. It always worked until it didn’t…
10:35 I clearly recall the day my therapist told me that even if a narcissistic person does make an apology, s/he can only hold the negative view of herself/himself for a very short time, or ‘own’ it for a very short time. So even if you do get a spontaneous apology, it disappears from their mind very quickly.
One aspect about narcs I’ve noticed over the years is their inherent inability to apologize for their bad behavior and actually MEAN IT. Saying “sorry” is just a “re-set” word to them that they can revert to being a jerk almost immediately.
It is a reset. And they hold up, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” As they actually apologized (really big of them) when in fact, that is a non-apology.
@janeydoe1403I was always told I misinterpreted them. I misunderstood them.
The only way my ex would “apologize” was to say “I’m sorry you got upset”
Your forgiveness was the life raft keeping this entire relationship afloat. Of course they’re going to accuse you of being unforgiving when you stop holding up the entire relationship.
One of the loneliest parts of being in a relationship with a narcissist is that you spend so much energy trying to find the right words, the right moment, the right tone to finally make them understand what they did. And after years of that you realize the problem was never your delivery. Some people are simply not available for the kind of honesty that requires them to look bad even temporarily.
At some point One chooses to intentionally fail every test thrown at them while allowing the repercussions to drip like water off of a duck.
So well said. we tie ourselves in knots trying to find a way to get our message across on a non threatening way.
This
I saw something interesting the other day. It was a quote: “They know what you need, they just don’t care.”
@oxigenarian9763 I don’t expect anyone to read my mind, because I know they can’t read mine…lol. I will tell them for sure.
This hits close to home. We told this person what needs to change. They for the first time the kind of acknowledged their behavior. But then told us we need to meet them halfway so basically they can continue the behavior and pointing out our mistakes on how we could’ve been better. They never can take responsibility without gaslighting or turning it on us.
I found your channel after my husband who has extreme narcissistic behaviors. Your insight has helped me to understand what happened to me during those 12 years of marriage. Thank you God bless you. I’ve now have experienced 3 months of freedom living apart from him
Live long and prosper ✌🏼
No humility.
Never call out a narcissist and expect them to be accountable. They will always try and find some way to deflect the issue back on to you, and make you look like the villain… Because they can never be accountable…
Lack of accountability is the problem. When one person violates another and they are not accountable the violated person suffers a double injury. The wrong doing plus the injury of a unaccountably adult who can’t stand taller then a 5 year old. People who can’t handle being accountable and shift blame are the smallest people in the world. Thank you Dr R.
The main way that I truly knew that I was dealing with a narcissist wasn’t their grandiose behavior, or gaslighting or love bombing, hoovering or getting their supply, it was flat out never taking accountability. Never saying I was wrong and I hurt you, please forgive me! If the person owns what they’ve done to hurt you, they are probably NOT a narcissist.
Peace Be With You fellow Survivors. Lack of accountability is a human tragedy with Narcissists.
NO GENUINE RELATIONSHIPS MUST SUCK!
They don’t know, they don’t remember, they don’t care. They change history, they blame you instead. They ask for your accountability for responsibilities, which you have already taken on on their behalf in the past, but accusing you for being insufficient. Awful people, heartbreaking relationships.
Never ever, not even a “phantom apology”.
I’m 8 seconds in and I’m already busting out laughing 😂 “how many times?” you asked… Welp. How many fingers has a fish?
I stopped wordsmithing the perfect explanations for things in the desperate hope of getting them to listen, understand and be accountable… and I just left. The only solution to narcissists is to stop feeding them. They will never change.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” some of the most traumatizing words for me
What I’ve learned to do is say, “don’t apologize for my feelings, they’re mine to deal with. You need to apologize for your actions.”
That may not be a wise thing to say in some cases of course, but in more mild cases it can shut them up.