The Psychology of Lying to a Narcissist
We’re taught that lying is wrong — that honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship. But in a toxic or narcissistic relationship, the rules can start to shift in ways no one really talks about. You may find yourself hiding small things, leaving details out, or telling lies you never imagined you would — not to manipulate, but just to get through the day. If you’ve ever started to question what this says about you, there’s a deeper explanation that might change how you see it.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Narcissists always lie to us
If we know that, what do we do about it?
@kenanglemire8328 that would depend on the person. Not everyone has the same capacity to change their circumstances.
@donovangray4246we can’t change the relationship, but we can change OUR circumstances. I’m not saying it’s easy or a Happily Ever After, but It’ll be in Reality vs the Narci Distorted Reality
Us?
Narcissists lie to get what they want
So if you are lying to get what you want (even to escape from a so-called narcissistic partner) then that also makes you narcissistic … No? I think the appropriate question is, not whether it is OK to lie to someone. It should be “when is lying appropriate”. Or, in this case, when is narcissism appropriate.
Honesty isn’t their policy
Of course, because you are suppressing your truth to keep the peace!
AMEN!! It’s called survival.
But, you lose your Soul in the process
@Britney-r3bIt’s not only excellent advice, but an excellent response that shows actions vs grievance.
TY for sharing Britney ..
Said like a true Survivor 🎉 See you at the top of Survivor Mountain, the climb is tough but the view is amazing! 😊
Survival requires some lies to a narcissistic partner
That’s called self inflicted devaluing of yourself
@kenanglemire8328no
Nobody warns you that walking on eggshells eventually teaches you to tiptoe around the truth too. This is so needed. And you don’t lie in a safe relationship.
💯
I became a liar, because my narcissistic mother would not believe the truth, even when I told her. She chose to believe whatever was the worst version even if it was a lie. So I would agree to things I never did and things I never said, because she wouldn’t believe me anyway. 🤷
Ditto!
I deal with this with my partner. I’m trying to leave quietly because I don’t want to even mess with hearing the sudden reason why I’m a terrible person for splitting up our family, why it’s everyone else’s fault (my friend, my therapist, my mom) making me not like him because of “untrue” things I tell them.
We must have the same mother
@BunnyMarlowe😂
I’d have ZERO problem lying to circumvent a psycho rant from a narcissistic person, on my way out the door from that relationship with them. And I think Jesus will forgive those who are concerned about “sinning” by doing so.
A perfect description, psycho rant. Terrifying.
Beautifully said.
You’re such an amazing advocate for reality in these situations. I am so grateful to have you speaking out in these serious times.
My mother lied so well I am not sure if she even knew when she was lying. As a child/teenager I spent countless hours figuring out if I was the crazy one.
The narcissist is lying to you (and themselves) all day everyday by definition. You should never feel bad about lying back to them.
So many lies, lies of omission, “little white lies”, lies about working late to have some extra me time, lies about holding back money to build a small emergency stash, even acting dumb lies to avoid confrontation. I could go on and on. Funny thing is, I’m my own authentic honest self away from the narcissistis in my life.
Thank you again Dr. Ramini, you always “hit home” sharing your knowledge. ❤
Narcissists only care that you lied, but don’t want to hear *why* you lied and we all know (or should all know) that there is context sometimes to why people lie that might make it reasonable and understandable, like in these types of situations.
It’s even sadder when the couples therapist also never asks “well why do you feel like you had to lie?” ☹️. They also don’t care to know *why* you lied and only care that it was lying and that the other partner doesn’t like it when you lie even though it was for a perfectly rational reason because you’re dealing with a toxic person that puts unreasonable, and sometimes unrealistic, demands on you and the relationship, but Heaven forbid you expect *anything* of them.
Regular rules and norms for healthy relationships work with normal folks. Narcs are not normal; they are unhealthy and want everything around them unhealthy. having radically accepted this, it makes sense that conventional norms for healthy relationship dont apply because theyre abusive and unhealthy. In healthy relationships, both parties work together; narcs do not cooperate, but rather they bait and antagonize for power and control. Navigate accordingly. 😢
Living an honest life is it’s own reward. Try not to lie. Do you like to be lied to?
My wife bought me lying about visiting an elderly relative.. after being isolated from family for so many years…. I told her to piss off…and i refused to fight about it…
Narcissists don’t deserve the truth, because they can’t handle the truth.
Even worse than that… They always use the truth to destroy either you or other people.
So, at a certain point, the question can be, which is the most ethical thing to do? Telling the objective truth or telling a strategical lie?
The most brutal part for me is when I start questioning myself, feeling or asking myself if I am narcissistic, just by trying to survive
I had five kids. It’s well established now that my husband was a covert narcissist 100%.
I was I stay at home mom while we were still married. I never did anything for myself.
When my youngest started kindergarten I realize that weekly grocery shopping should be done first thing in the morning now so I could go and do it quickly because I didn’t have to have the kids with me.
One day after shopping, I see the McDonald’s across the street and I told myself that it was OK to get myself something to eat at McDonald’s for lunch so I wouldn’t have to make lunch when I got home.
So that is what I did. The whole time that I’m sitting in my car eating my burger and fries, I felt so guilty that I wanted to hide. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was enjoying that meal. I slumped down as far as I could, so no one could see me.
It wasn’t that anybody I knew might be there, it was just I felt ashamed for doing this for myself. And I never told my husband I did. When I think back on this, it’s been nearly 40 years now, I want to cry that the abuse was so bad and I didn’t even know it.
Why would I owe truth to a person who is guaranteed to turn it against me
It’s so crazy. I HATE lies. But I found myself having to lie a bit to survive, and I still felt SO GUILTY. After a decade with a malignant covert narcissist, increasing abuse and complete isolation, I had to get my son and I out. I lied about getting massages so I could have therapy appts to make a safe exit. In the parking lot of the massage place so my location matched 😳. And I still felt TERRIBLE for lying. I would’ve paid hell too. It’s crazy how trained you get. Making my safe exit now thank God. Thanks Dr. Ramani! I was able to learn the patterns and behaviors (which happened to a T), so that I could mitigate and plan my defense. It’s never too late for anyone! 🌈🙏🕊️