“How did I let this happen?”
If you’ve ever asked yourself that after a relationship… this conversation is for you.
Beloved Actress & Bestselling author, Valerie Bertinelli opens up about shame, self-blame and trauma.
This conversation will hit home for a lot of people. Join the Dr. Ramani Network to watch the full episode.
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It’s such an emotional turmoil every single day!!
I very much appreciate and value Dr. Ramani’s guidance.
When the abuse is so real to you, it’s hard to believe family, doctors, and educated friends are clueless, and often shut the door on understanding. You are not alone here.
Shes real. Not hypocrite unlike others .shes relaying her own experience
This hit home
Me too. I feel so bad for my children.
I also have shame of staying in 2 of them. I knew that I was not treated good but stayed anyway. I had to prepare an exit strategy.. you can’t just “ leave “ the relationship. These are not normal conflict relationships. There can be real consequences if the victim leaves. They better have a very safe place to go to and loved ones who will help them.
These narcissists are very cunning and dark people. Please don’t feel it was you , I totally get it. The best thing you can do is walk away. Depending on your situation it’s definitely not easy. I got this from an early age . My narc sibling is pure poisonous narcissist psychopath. He’s trying to destroy 3 x vulnerable people for his own gain at the same time as brainwashing his flying monkeys. We have documented all this with a lawyer and all the professionals needed to back us up. I’m not playing this game anymore it’s ruined my entire life. Boundaries people, please don’t let these toxic people ruin us. We educate ourselves so we heal and try not to fall for the same situations but it’s for them to go away and educate themselves it’s not our job to do that. The shame is on them not us. 💖💪🏽🤗
Sweet Valerie… So proud of you!! Getting out of these toxic relationships takes time and it’s a process. Give yourself permission to have compassion for yourself. ❤
You have to reach a point of exhaustion where you let go of hope. Which is tough. There’s are a part of us that wanted to believe that there was something real there, or that there could be. It is like participating in a magic trick that astonishes you until you learn the truth of the illusion.
I can also say :”The narcisist will use the boundary against you.Don’t TALK about your boundaries”.
Thanks for pointing that out! Although narcissists might be reading it and [if they’re Aquarians/contrarians], well, you know…
Yes, that is true.
And it’s real danger! It’s so destructive! Living the result.
We are not responsible for other people’s bad behaviour.
They love it when they get a rise outta you Val.
It’s not only the Narc their family, friends, flying monkeys all join in!! If it suits ..
This was good for me. We have all pushed back. This is not a weakness thing. We fought back. At some point our mind said stop pushing back and arguing because the narcissist can do this all day that’s their fuel. It’s like jet fuel for them. We pushed back but in doing so we emptied our tanks. So staying was not out of cowardice. We stayed because we love them. That is not a weakness. At the time, we did not know that this is “like” an actual brain disorder that the other person has permanently. Just like psychopaths. We did not know that this human shell was soulless. How could we have known those things about the other person? we’re not all psychologists and doctors.
By the time you fully see what’s happening and are coherent enough to start standing up for yourself, you have a very intricate web of mutual entanglements with them. It’s so hard to drag yourself out of that hole and start over, but it can be done. A very tough life lesson. But man do you learn from it.
Crucial points made in this 2.5 minutes ! Survival is many things – we do and don’t do many things when in relationship with a harmful unpredictable person we are intimate with. Reading the risk is both conscious and unconscious- – Dr Ramani so brilliantly makes that clear to Valerie – – You were not in control – – most humans in relationship do not just up and walk away – the expectation of others / society that we can and should do that when things get very unhealthy on the slippery slope toward abusive is WHY we internalize that shame. If someone continues to override your boundaries and requests/demands for better treatment they become a DANGEROUS Person to your whole apparatus – – on a nervous system level. THEN you are NOT Making Fully Autonomous Decisions within that relationship. Love to all who read this. Compassion for yourself is the ONLY thing that will set you free after relationship abuse.
I didn’t start to heal until I walked away! What a harsh lesson. I promise you, no one is worth making you feel bad or insane or like something is wrong with you!
I LOVE the pushback on the pushback! “When fear is present…consent is not present”
I agree with Dr. Ramani. There is plenty of fear to take responsibility by setting boundaries. They do not like boundaries. Thirty years…