Why Nothing You Say Is Ever Right to a Narcissist
Have you ever been told that you're the one who doesn't know how to communicate? It's a frustrating accusation—especially when you've spent years trying every possible approach. If this sounds familiar, there may be more to that statement than meets the eye. Let's talk about it.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
And they accuse you of trying to isolate them despite that they surround themselves with all sort of flying monkeys while you are the one who is left isolated. And the moment you start having friends they will accuse you of abandoning them!
I’m so tired of exactly this
“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt “, he said multiple times except he never heard anything I said.
Yes exactly
I have to admit I am on the flip of this in large part.
For example: It hurts when you respond with abc, I was talking about xyz. I don’t really understand if you could explain abc more because I want to understand and it seems to have a lack of relatively to the conversation. Also it seems sort of immature in the way you are describing it, I don’t think the immaturity and the degrading language is going to help resolve anything.
His response: Stop saying I am a child.
Me: Completely perplexed..I don’t understand what you are saying…
He storms away screaming I don’t listen.
Many many years later and 1000’s of hours of learning, research and therapy. He thought I was ‘calling him names’ and ‘attacking him’ and ‘not listening’.
I was listening, I was hanging on to every word. I have learned he has some sort of extreme hyper sensitivity to anything perceived as criticism. He takes everything as if it is some sort of personal attack and on and on.
He apparently built up this EXTREMELY distorted reality of ‘I am am not listening’ in reality he was failing to communicate and I had a lack of any understanding of where he was at, or that the difficulties he had were even things.
I was DESCRIBING a problematic behavior so we coukd have healthy dialogue’ please don’t respond in this abc behavior, the immaturity harms us’ he made up that it was only intended to be a ‘name call’ why someone would call their spouse names is still mostly beyond my comprehension etc. etc
So not saying you are ‘wrong’ and they ‘weren’t listening’, but given my experience I would ask you to consider IF you were actually communicating or if you were very indirectly throwing drama etc and not actually productively communicating that there was an issue.
Storming away complaining about me using the word ‘childish’ which I hadn’t and had ZERO ZERO clue what was EVER happening until soooooo many years later…:his actions told me absolutely nothing but that he was upset (and it meant the actual reason I brought up didn’t get resolved).
This is why learning and enforcing the DEEP acronym..it works if you work it, but be prepared for the DISCARD!
Dont:
DEFEND
ENGAGE
EXPLAIN
PERSONALIZE..
And all this time, I thought it was his hearing impediment called my voice…
Lol, I’m glad you’re here Myrna!😅
Raise and share your wonderful voice…🎉❤🎉
“Why cant you communicate?”
I did state once, just because im intuitive and can sense things nonverbally it’s not a good habit for you to get into. I was so caring for the wrong person.
The most painful thing about being told you do not know how to communicate is what it does to you over time. You start second guessing yourself before you even open your mouth. You rehearse conversations in your head trying to find the version that will not start a fight. You apologise before you have even finished your sentence just to soften the blow. And somewhere along the way you stop saying what you actually mean altogether because it never ended well anyway. That is not bad communication. That is what surviving in a relationship with someone who uses your words against you actually looks like. And the saddest part is that you walked away thinking you were the difficult one. You were not. You were just the only one actually trying.
Don’t believe it. 99.9% of what they say is Bull$hit. The whole relationship was bull$hit. These people are very damaged and broken and all they know how to do is damage and break people around them.
Don’t wait 36yrs to depart and never look back..❤
I’m going through what you just described. I started feeling like I was going crazy, but eventually I opened my eyes. It took me two years.
Covert narcissists can be extremely hurtful. I now know that I need to leave my wife. For the past two years, I have been working on myself, trying to understand what was wrong with me and why I was always made to feel like I was a bad husband.
I paid for everything. I planned surprises for my wife. I paid for our three different trips to Europe, Asia, and Cuba. I paid for our entire wedding. I never asked anything from her except love and respect.
But she explained to me why she could not respect me: because, in her eyes, I was not good enough for her. She also made me feel like I was not sacrificial enough, even though I put my whole family aside to focus on our marriage.
I am so exhausted. I hope the divorce will not leave me with nothing. But even if I end up with nothing, I feel like it would still be better than staying in a marriage where I never feel like I am enough.
I stayed because of my child but it cost me so much in life and I too is on my way out. You can never please them and I too am exhausted. Good luck. @0livierCote
@csizzle24377EEEEEEXACTLY! 🙌
I was told that I couldn’t communicate properly since I didn’t have a college education. So he told me to be quiet and not to embarrasse myself by talking.
🌿🦬🌿🥀🦬🌿
Mine was “You’re awfully confident for someone who does’t have a degree.”
Do narcissist have anger management issues? Well, that’s kind of like asking do fish get wet of course they will never admit this to you
Narcisstic Communication consists of the other person just ‘falling in line’ and ‘doing what the narcissist says’. its the whole ‘sit down and shut up’ mindset: They think they have the right to give us their opinion and make us repeat it, and anytime we dont, we ‘can’t communicate’.
We cant let them dictate our opinions, thoughts, feelings or beliefs.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I may struggle with communication, but im not terrrible. <3
Saying you’re a bad communicator is their license to continue their victim status.
Saying you’re a bad communicator gives them license to control the narrative. It renders you voiceless.
@LauraDiLembo yes I agree!
Accusation of being a bad communicator equals projection
Gaslighting was so normalized growing up, I became fluent.
OMG, whenever I open my mouth to say anything, I am expected to dumb down my vocabulary, and keep my sentences absolutely as short as possible, because he “doesn’t need all of the bullshit”. This is coming from a guy who puts every single detail of his part in every story, complete with sound effects and a lot of “yaddy ya das”. He wants a one word answer to any questions, but exhausts anyone trying to listen, by including things like “I walked up to the door, turned the knob, opened the door, stepped down the steps…blablabla…..”.
But God forbid you use any adverbs or adjectives in telling your own story!
I can relate better to this video, better than anything else I have ever seen on narcissistic relationships.❤
This!
He would tell stories that go no where with so many unnecessary details that I would sometimes have to ask him to get to the point. I think some of that is due to them trying to hide their nefarious deeds by giving too much information to either throw us off course or wear us out.
They also get so triggered so easily that by the end I asked for a list of words and topics that were off limits and basically we could talk about nothing as he took everything as some sort of attack; it is a skill really.
Now even after the divorce when I try to communicate to co-parent (parallel parent) he is constantly trying to control how much I am allowed to speak. Luckily he does all this on the court monitored app; I wish they would just pull it and see the obvious instability and inconsistency in his “communication” while mine is consistent and professional.
I have realized no matter what I do I will be wrong so I just keep doing the right thing and being the honest person I am because he has his set “scripts” that will not change and he can make me the problem all he wants but his relationship with our daughter is destroyed by his own hands and he doesn’t communicate at all with her.
They will all reap what they sow eventually. I don’t have issues communicating with anyone but him. I however am aware he has lots of issues communicating with others.
@SopranowithabassforJesusI’m so sorry you have to deal with this parallel parent ex. I totally understand your situation–in fact, I thought you’d stolen my journal lol. It’s an exhausting thing to keep up with, and it’s extra frustrating for me beca I was brought up by a mom who constantly tells me to “keep your communication short and concise”!! When she would talk for hours about one subject that was from a previous lifetime, where I could only interject if I agree with her. Uggghh.
Relentlessly accused of being a bad communicator… Ironic that he actually meant “how dare you confront me with a reality that contradicts what I want to think about myself”. Such a waste of time & energy. NEVER AGAIN.
Yep. Don’t even bother talking to these people. So what if they call you names
The ironically painful part is the narcissism person has been lying to your face since the day they met you! Hiding things that remove your CONSENT, endangering, stealing, deceiving, and risking your life! But they fully expect you to keep handing over everything for them to weaponize against you, even after you confront them for huge, evil things!
Wow, you explained my narc relationship with my son to the tee! Thanks !
A generalized form of gaslighting –
While also playing dumb ..
Projection confession is a major tool in a narcissist’s arsenal. Part of the reason nothing you say is ever right to a narcissist is because you can’t correct someone who always thinks they’re “right” about everything.
Bad communication is the superpower of the passive-aggressive.
I know it’s become cliché to recommend books through comments and say like “it changed my life” or whatever, but if you’re going to read it based on a random comment let it be this one My Boy My Toy by Kali Avalore. It’s literally on another frequency.