Dr. Ramani Explains How-To Spot a Gaslighter
In this video, Dr. Ramani explains how to spot a gaslighter and recognize the subtle signs of gaslighting in relationships. Learn to identify manipulation tactics and understand the psychological impact of gaslighting. Discover practical tips for protecting yourself and responding effectively to maintain your mental well-being. Gain valuable insights from Dr. Ramani on dealing with gaslighting and safeguarding your emotional health.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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The narcissist wants you to doubt yourself. They don’t care about what is right or true.
I hate that, im really sensitive to that. 😭
Some aremuch worse
Doubt is a narcissistic persons ace card! This leads to driving your mind into overdrive and leaves the narc leading the pack. Never doubt yourself, believe in yourself and learn to stand and face the accusers
@@babss2285 agreed . But some are much worse. I’ve seen psychopaths and narcissists .most people won’t recognize both of them
@@kirilmihaylov1934 definitely loads of people are on the scale of this. I just read the signs and walked away and distance cured some of the situation, but I chose the distance and found hobbies to fill out my time and I’m more happy now
“narcissistic abuse shrinks us, makes us small, it makes us anxious” (10:00)
I felt that
I felt that
@@chriswyma145 I agree. Others, who were never there themselves, think of this as cynicism.
Hit home with that one…
@@chriswyma145 Oooooh I feel that. I really do. As children we have our parents to show us life and daily interactions etc ….We just went throught THIS kind of jekkel and hyde bullshit. It’s so sad….I always angered and annoyed my father …I thought it was me …because I am emotional and empathetic and caring …and anxious. I thought It was me to my core that was wrong somehow and angered him. Ooooh I feel a bit upset now
As a young girl I begged my narc mom to treat me like she treated strangers. She was so nice in public and so cruel in private. Its awful growing up with them.
I’m sorry you experienced that 😥
Sending so much love 🙏same💙
I was never good enough for my adoptive mother . Others were held up to me as an example of how I ought to be . Eggshells were the daily obstacles. I think now she intended me to remain at home as her companion for ever . I didn’t realise and got away as soon as I could. Through marriage to another narcissist who was just the same . ? I’m now 76 , and have only begun to realise ( what went on in my life ) in the last couple of years . Even my women friends are mostly the same .
I’m so grateful for these videos helping me to understand . K
@@katharinedavis4947 so proud of you. I’m glad you are able to realize things now. It feels like a release.
@@katharinedavis4947 I went no contact when I was 50, ten years of bliss so far. Its so pathetic how the train you for the next Narc and more. The pain really doesn’t go away enough.
“But your mother’s SO NICE!” If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that, I could retire today.
Seriously!
Or those terrible/helpful people who say “but she’s your mum!”
That’s… worse. Like they don’t realise that that’s worse.
Just tell them that everything that glitters is not gold.
Same.
Yess!! Everyone thinks my mother is amazing and I take extra time to let them know she is not! I’ve been in a long term relationship for a while now and I never leave him with her and he didnt even meet her till we dated for 6 months and I told him everything she’s done
“He has always been really nice to me” Yes, because you are not In a relationship with him.
“He’s so fun and charming!” Yeah, come home and see how he acts in private!
Amen to both comments 🙏
Jeeze.. Yet it goes both ways, yo.. Remember that!..
@@oneyungsir4396 What do you mean?
Exactly…my girlfriends thought he was the best thing ever. Then i told them what its really like living with him..they said” Not so and so, he’s so nice and fun to be around ” , told them, you dont see what i live with, he’d never show his real self. 7 yrs ago, I walked away after 26 yrs.
My grandmother would describe such a person “as a street angel and a house devil”
I like that.
Good one!
That’s what they are called down South.
Was she Irish?
Love this
When Dr Ramami said “since most people don’t understand narcissism, they think you are the problem”— I felt that 🥺
me too!
Yes ma’am. This has helped me to never “judge” someone the first time I meet: 1) him or her and the petson has an affect seemingly incongruent with the situation (ex: not sad at a funeral;
OR
2) 2-3 people, esp. if they behave opposite of one another.
Me too, I’ve gone through this with many bosses in the work place, my family members and my partners. Done with it, I leave thse personality types in the dust at first sign now. Unbelievable how gullible people are. 🙄
Me too
Still happens in my family.
The problem is, when you’re their child you don’t say “I was wrong about them”, you say -“there is something wrong with ME”
You are soooo right!
100% true! My father is a covert narcissist and when I was as young as 9 or 10, I was wondering what I did to make him hate me. All I wanted was love and acceptance but the mixed messages….acting very proud of me then being very cruel made me feel like l had done something to make him hate me. With therapy and insight from one of my mom’s oldest friends, I have finally figured it out. A good relationship with him? Ha! I never had a snowball’s chance in hell.
Then you grow up to get into relationships with them because it’s what you know. Sadly, many don’t know there is alternatives to this.
That’s their plan isn’t it.
Spot on
One of the most painful things. This form of gaslighting means you’re always on your own. No one believes what happens behind closed doors. It also makes you feel you are the problem, because they are so “nice” to everyone else.
They act like you are the crazy one, not the rotten narcissist.
Tape it, just the verbal. Phone in pocket or hidden.. Be very very careful.
Can be very illegal.
@@emmsue1053
@@emmsue1053Yes
I almost got killed for finally recording
Most people have no idea what a monster some can be behind closed doors.
This is one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was raised in toxic narcissism. Now I have to deal with the back blow of being the bad guy that cut out my narcissist because they are crying to others about me cutting them out. At this point, I’ve gotten ok with being the villain in other people’s stories. Just as long as I can live my life in peace.
That is the thing though, narcissists LOVE the silent treatment.. Its only once you see that behaviour for what it is (a holiday from having to validate and regulate their emotional state) that the hoovering starts again.. Instead of love bombing (as they did in the beginning), they will stalk you and talk about you behind your back and get others to gaslight and blame you for the behaviour of the narcissist (which is often projected) .. Its sick and insidious, especially when you consider that THEY did the devaluing and engaged the discard and THEY are the ones who didn’t want to “fix” the relationship (never mind just apologise)
Similar story here. I’m so glad my abusive sibling and his abusive family have run out of flying monkeys!
@@damiandossantos5077 I couldn’t have said it better. It’s such a sick and messed up game.
@@justjosie8963 Agreed, I think the flying monkeys are way worse to deal with.. I mean one can understand why the narcissist does it but yeah.. Scary stuff!
@@damiandossantos5077 once you leave their talk exposes them to others. There are always exceptions, too., but too rare be rare
When I was 8 it was my sister’s 5th birthday and my Mom decided to take us out for a meal. As I sat down in the restaurant, I had knocked a loose ledge on the window made of metal that came crashing down. Before this all happened I was a confused child, my Mom so nice out in public and a monster to me at home. My self esteem was non existent. And here I was in front of everyone at the restaurant doing something wrong again. My Mom shouted at me. Made me feel even worse because now it’s my sister’s, the golden childs birthday. I’m stuffing it up it for her.
The food came, I took a mouthful. I didn’t notice, but a lady from another table had been watching me the whole time, she must’ve seen the sadness on my face. While I still was chewing my food she came up to me, stood between my Mom and looked at me. She said, “Don’t you ever forget how beautiful you are.” I thought perhaps she got the wrong person because it was, after all, my sister’s birthday and now I have the attention on me. Another thing I thought I was going to get shouted at for. My Mom quickly piped up and said to me in a rushed tone, “So don’t you say thank you the nice lady?” I couldn’t because the reason I stuffed food in my mouth was to stop the tears from falling so that my Mom wouldn’t notice I was crying. Therefore I couldn’t say thank you to the lady. Anyway, it took many years for me to realise exactly what she was doing ,cos honestly that night at the age of 8, I just couldn’t keep going on like that. She was an angel. That’s what I believe anyway.
I was going to say the same, that she sounds like an angel. I was going to ask if anyone else saw her but your mom did. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t an angel, sent just to comfort you in that moment. Take her words to heart.
I’m so sorry you had to endure that; I cannot imagine. I cannot imagine a mother treating her own flesh and blood so horribly. My only experience with narcissism is a 10 year marriage. I can’t imagine having a narcissistic parent. My parents were alcoholics and I have a ton of trauma I am working thru at the age of 52 because all my relationships have been abusive. I can’t imagine your trauma. Please stay strong and LOVE YOURSELF ❤. Right now, I am in the midst of reparenting myself. It’s hard work but so worth it, I am worth it!
That lady must have been hurt herself as a child and so she couldn’t bear seeing you, only a little girl, suffer such sadness without even knowing what she had done wrong. Brave of her and so kind. She’s wasn’t an angel. She was just very kind and sad to see you treated unfairly. ❤
Wow, that woman let you know that your mother’s view of you isn’t what everyone else sees ❤ Great lady
I think like her. I know what she was doing, I’ll bet! Not pity, sisterhood, planting a seed. She was one of us. I do it on purpose bc I notice, bc my mom was a narcissist, usually covert in public, not at home unless other adults were there. It give you radar, almost a calm matter of fact always there hypervigilance, bc if ya had watch every single word you said, & note micro expressions, slight changes in tone while walking on those eggshells, it increases observation skills, intuition, instinct & perception. I can spot another child of a narcissist, & I don’t actually need to see an incident. There’s something familiar in the eyes, a certain kind of lack of complete relaxation around family, a carefulness, something being held in… To say something to support or encourage or heal or comfort or teach, or even a resource for education to a HS kid (so they can get out of there without needing permission or help) … It’s an urge, it’s therapy, it’s benevolent revenge against narcissists in general, it’s from your soul & it’s irresistible & absolutely nothing feels as right on this earth as sticking it to some parent who is not loving that child right & is actively leaving a void in that child, by giving that child proof that there are people who care, who are good, that the child is worthy, and appreciated, & beautiful or handsome, or skilled, or a joy to be around, absolutely acceptable especially if they’re feeling the narc’s latest dig of the weight of the total of them, & it reminds the narcissist that random people pay attention, value & will remember their child (hey you never know, that might help or matter), & respect that child, and do not need or seek their permission & so other adults may be available to talk to & trust you while that parent is not looking do they had better not go too far. And that kid might trust the adults they have access to who are trustworthy bc they’ll know that nice thing was said to them on purpose & yes, never forget it. I remember every adult that ever did that – & every adult that believed my mother’s gaslighting & triangulating or had a scapegoat in their own family. We don’t get confused when a date does this, or a spouse. We grew up with it & our antenna go up & we know & we watch friends want to believe in an abuser & it’s frustrating & another reason to not myob with a kid in public but say something we hope will fend off the despair & self doubt that parent is going to cause. We rebel, when it’s a parent, often, but there are low points, when tired & discouraged & one voice can make a difference from eyes that really see you, an adult that’s not there to meet the family, so yes, just the comment to that child. Staying would bring suspicion & make an excuse to isolate that child. So a hit & run form of support. And it feels triumphant. & You remember the kid & put out good thoughts, pray for them, from time to time & get specific, lol, like bossing around 😂 “You look out for that one, right? Help them cope & find their skills, bring them support, good friends, good teachers, respect & kindness & independence asap, & safety & joy, &…” You just keep getting details in there… And then what you went through isn’t for nothing! It is transformed into tools, for coping, for self esteem, for a sense of unity instead of alienation, for the monster that is the disease itself…. Bc the antidote is agape, solidarity, brotherly/sisterly love, & it’s not a cure but it’s damn good medicine for both in that interaction. Older, we see the contrast in a new light. We compare people we meet to that kindness, not seeing ice & the mask in public, the Jekyll & Hyde, as normal bc we have that kindness that instinctively felt healthier & normal. We may fall for charm but we see faster & learn not to. We learn that the biggest charmers are sociopathic & image conscious. We remember that kind person didn’t want anything. We notice agendas. We notice ego. We process how we grew up, every time we meet one & they become a classroom giving us insight & solve old puzzles & end up just outing our parent. We let go of those we meet later. We talk to others & listen to experts like this one, here, who nails it. & We combat self doubt, prevent that voice of criticism from having power bc we know we do the opposite, we give hope & self esteem & comfort & we tell ourselves, what if no one said anything… And we prevent our own low points by helping prevent someone else’s. Bc we chose to love, including random strangers for a moment. And it is healing. Trauma healing itself is a plan too. So I’m grateful for this channel & everyone doing anything like this bc it’s proof it was never about any of us personally, the parent was sick & we did not earn that treatment even if we acted out, bc some of us will have. It’s natural. She was taking a little piece of the power out of two narcissists, hers & yours. & I promise, she never forgot you. We can’t! Bless her & all the others who taught me to do it & I’ll bet you do too. ❤😁 Blessings to you. And she was right, you know. It shows in how you said it.
I was married for 22 years to a man like this. It left my head spinning. I never got a compliment. My talent was a tool my husband used to gain himself more accolades. No amount of my bending over backwards to please him was ever enough. I was exhausted, depressed and anxious. I became resentful and defensive. No matter what, he always had to win. Needless to say our divorce was heavily weighted in his favor. It took me almost a decade of therapy to rebuild healthy relationships with my children. I wasn’t blameless by any stretch, I repeated the pattern later in my life. Thanks to you Dr. Ramani, I can see it and recognize what makes me a target for these people.
Thank you Dr Ramani. It took me years to realize that narcissists come in all age groups. Master manipulators who have a charming public persona and a vicious private one. I have regained my self esteem finally!
Lol well at least it was only 23 years, i am at 42….. waiting for home to sell in process of divorce. Finally FREE almost. 🙏🏼🙌, our stories are so much the same. These men never change. I always thought it was me. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Been there. 🤗
Don’t be down on yourself because it took more than one experience. It’s really hard to understand the abusive mind when you are not made that way.
I stayed and stayed with people unworthy of me. Things are better now because I’ve done the work.
So have you.
Well done!
I lost count of the amount of people who have said to me ‘ wow I’m so surprised , he’s so nice, kind and helpful ‘
I can’t even 😢talk about it because he’s got every one on his side.
I always hear, “ he’s the sweetest person… He’d never hurt a fly….You must have just really made him mad…he’d do anything for anyone…”
well, unless you’re his wife.
Same here ,he is a good man why did you leave him ?
Yes, like, “Wow, does he have a brother?!” 😢
As a former criminal investigator, this was always a “tell tale” for a psychopath. Externally charming and manipulative and “nice”, where someone very close to them – usually a female/ Wife would be too scared to tell a different story. It is a hallmark of severe Domestic Violence. It is a control mechanism that shuts off their target to any form of help or support, and they are trapped.
In your professional opinion, what is the best way to deal with them? How can one get away from their narcissistic abuser? What evidence should I be gathering were he to take it farther and I have to go with the kids?
Get help locally for sure. That could be the police or protective services, I’m not an expert but there should be someone local who can help you
Plan VERY WELL, then go. Go far, fast, and quietly. The courts nor cops will protect you.
That was me. So generous. So nice. Meanwhile beating the heck out of me. Coming home after three days partying with other women and friends and bragging about it to me. Took it because he told me he’d shoot my children and himself if I left. Finally pushed the game too far. He drew the kids into it. He’d ask them when he came home if I had been good. I realized I was going to die if I stayed and the ones I was staying for were now playing also. I never told anyone. I didn’t want my kids to have to live with everyone knowing. My daughter took over the abuse in her teens. Took me until last year to completely cut ties with her. I feel much benter. Unfortunately everyone in our small area thinks I left such a nice man. I ended up the bad person in the community.
@@simon-515 Your Daughter will eventually have insight into the damage done to her during her childhood years. She is a victim too. I pray you will have the strength and wisdom to ensure that you are there to help your Daughter to thrive when she eventually faces the harm done to her through growing up in such a violent household. This is not necessarily about how you feel. This is about your continuing role as a Mother, who will do everything to ensure your Daughter does not fail by thinking she was betrayed by both her Father and her Mother. She was the child, and she is a victim too. Teach her that you will not tolerate the violence to continue in her life, and you will remove yourself from every situation that she falls back into that pattern that she grew up in. But it is up to you to demonstrate that you are capable of being a Good Mother, albeit at this late stage of your relationship.
This describes my mother totally. The world outside the home thinks she’s so wonderful, but the minute the doors close, the mask comes off. I grew up believing something was terribly wrong with me. Now I see she’s used me as her emotional garbage can.
Emotional garbage can. They do get off on dumping.
I was married to that… for years I thought I was going insane… turns out I just needed to leave, so I did.😊
Me too. Life has been much happier.
I lived with this type of gaslighting for decades. There was a side of my wife that was reserved for me and me only. Everyone thought she was the nicest, sweetest, most loving, kind and considerate person in the world. I decided that the only way to save my sanity was to divorce her and never make contact again. I briefly struggled with what I would tell friends and family as to why we were getting divorced after nearly 40 years. I knew no one would believe my side of the story so whenever anyone asked, I simply stated “I have my reasons” and left it at that. I knew what I had gone through and I didn’t have to justify it to anyone. I’m much happier now and remarried to a truly wonderful woman.
That’s an incredibly strong thing to do, especially accepting that people, even the closest, probably won’t understand.
@@KevinRoderick Thank you. I had a very similar situation growing up. I tried to tell people the truth but they all thought I was a liar. It was very discouraging. This time I knew better. Some would believe me but most wouldn’t so I put all of my energies into making a better life for myself rather than attempting to convince others of what I had experienced. It was my truth and that’s all I needed
That’s awesome! I’m truly happy for you! ❤
Your wife sounds just like my mom was the best mom to my 2 sisters and the favorite aunt and everyone said how kind she was .. I just reply yeah she gets her anger out
dont already start labelling as this one is ‘truly wonderful’. give it more time, and keep ur priorities uncompromised, just as she will hers.
“Charming in public, abusive in private” thanks Dr Ramani
Kind of like a street angel and home devil.
My sister.
Interesting how my boss chit chats with everyone in the office abd is soon “fun and friendly”. But, he and his manager make me (and itgers) close the door when they talk to each of us. (Although, when he’s talk7ng with others with the door closed, I suspect it’s because they are discussing shop SOP. Bur, aren’t going to tell the rest of us until we break rules we didn’t know we existed. Since LITERALLY NOTHING IS IN WRITING!
My mom