The insults you hear in a narcissistic relationship

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

Andrew McLaurin
 

  • @AuntieKathiesRescueTails says:

    When they’re insulting you they are self projecting their own inadequacies to control and keep you down. Keep calm and escape

  • @johnnytsunami9967 says:

    Never justify, explain, defend, or overshare with a narcissist

  • @shaunatyler5903 says:

    After being constantly gaslit and insulted, I feel like I will never know how to have a healthy relationship again. I don’t trust people and I am super isolated.

    • @dolores2716 says:

      Give yourself time to heal. As they say, it’s better to be alone than to wish you were.

    • @LewsTherin100 says:

      Go easy and forgive yourself- the rest will come with time. Godspeed to you

    • @runerider11 says:

      Shauna, you hit the nail on the head.. im not only leary of relaxing now, it’s affected every aspect of my life and everyone meet… i wear the hurt and anger like a heavy coat..

    • @Wenโฐโฐ.โด says:

      Shauna, I’ve been there and I’m still not in a relationship after 3 years now. What really helped me is talking to a psychologist about it. You deserve real love in your life, don’t let someone else ruin it for you. Keep it up warrior ๐Ÿ•ด๏ธ

    • @lisafiedler4513 says:

      Omgoodnessโ€ฆme too!
      Iโ€™m actually afraid that I will NEVER be able to trust anyone, ever again.
      Therefore, little chance of findingโ€ฆ.or even lookingโ€ฆfor another relationship.
      I believe everyone has an angle. Their kindness, etc could not possibly be real. Nobody would want me, or love me for me.

      Iโ€™m sooo damaged after so many years of abuse. I honestly believe that Iโ€™m damaged beyond repair. ๐Ÿ˜ข

  • @nimmieamee1988 says:

    I also find that a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is narcissistically insulting you or, as they might claim, โ€œjust kidding around,โ€ is: how would THEY react if the shoe was on the other foot? Because narcissists always demand immediate forgiveness for their contemptuous treatment of you. But when you say something that even mildly hits an insecurity of theirs, they will be EXTREMELY quick to take offense and hold it against you, with no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness, almost seeming to enjoy the victim status it gives them.

    These are very thin-skinned people, who simultaneously want you to be extremely thick-skinned.

    • @stillaworkinprogress2147 says:

      You nailed it! I walked on eggs around my narc relative and was undermined in a very subtle way for years. I would never dare speak to or about this relative the way they spoke to/about me. I never, ever felt I could safely stick up for myself and when I learned how this narc relative talked about me behind my back to friends and relatives, I was saddened but not, in the end, really surprised as I finally understood that this relative would never, ever actually like me, much less love me.

    • @mwxyz828 says:

      Precisely!!! Exactly this!

    • @yukio_saito says:

      It’s interesting. In Japanese, shameless people are said as “ๅŽš้ก”โ€ (thick-skinned face).

    • @ruthann8442 says:

      @@stillaworkinprogress2147 I’d give this comment 100 thumbs up if I could!

    • @dellaella1143 says:

      So true, I know someone who loves throwing the insults and says I’m being too sensitive, but if I say it back to them and ask if they like it, you should see the look on their face!!

  • @espectroarcoiris says:

    The difference between a joke and an insult is that in a joke both sides are laughing, in an insult they are laughing at you.

    • @tomd1434 says:

      Exactly. Within a family parents need to set that tone. If they donโ€™t and siblings pick on and disrespect one another it causes problems. I had a sibling enjoy laughing at me often. Doesnโ€™t exactly foster good feelings going forward especially when the parents just seemingly let it happen.

    • @TheWabaKing says:

      Yep. She went to Harvard

    • @stevensutlief1914 says:

      Itโ€™s put down humor, and itโ€™s mean.

    • @teampenit says:

      I call it the “mean girl’ laugh…that contemptous “everyone LOOK we have a victim over here that is less than us” laugh..

    • @teampenit says:

      my niece pulled this on me at Christmas dinner, I was having a conversation on hte other end of the table about lemonade and it turned to pink lemonade and then to grapefruit’s effect on the body (a legitimate fact, there are meds you can’t take if you eat grapefruit) and I mentioned that they say that pineapple can help with eye floaters…she suddenly burst out this LOUD mean girl laugh and said “OH MY GOD that’s so RANDOM!!’. I just got up and walked away. I sent her a message telling her how it hurt my feelings and explained what we were talking about and she came back with “We were just having family fun, don’t make it something it’s not” I explained that I didn’t just make it up…I read a actual study from Taiwan…and I also read an article on how scientists are studying the DNA of ancient grains to plot the migration of prehistoric people but it wasn’t apropos of the topic at hand….

  • @kimmanning2913 says:

    “Healthy relationships do not involve insults.”

    • @Sarachouska says:

      Healthy relationships do not have hurts or mistakes that leads to insults

    • @thedativecase9733 says:

      Weirdly though, friends of mine who have successful, long time marriages insult each other all the time – it’s done in a jokey wat, but I would find it jarring if it was done to me.

    • @dawidmarkowicz4171 says:

      โ€‹@@Sarachouska Actually healthy relationships do have hurts and mistakes, because that’s the inevitability of every relationship. However, they lead to understanding own mistakes and a willing to make things better, not insults and that’s why they are called healthy. What you have just described is an utopian relationship.

  • @lbmartinet says:

    When a narcissist insults you and you say โ€œhey wtf?!โ€ they say oh youโ€™re too sensitive or get over it or I was just kidding. A friend says โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€

    • @ncr4007 says:

      So true ! This is how every conversation with my Mom went this last year. Only one โ€œIโ€™m sorry.โ€ Only because she knows she would never heard from me again.

    • @tiggywinkle5630 says:

      Yes I used to get ‘oh I was just joking’…to me jokes are supposed to be funny.

    • @teenychristinee says:

      And call you crazy for having emotionas

    • @traci7375 says:

      My husband does this a lot ๐Ÿ™

    • @ker240 says:

      I always get โ€œyouโ€™re too sensitive,โ€ but then days later he says the same thing or something even worse.
      Always tells me to shut up if Iโ€™m expressing my frustration because he doesnโ€™t want to hear it and when he does something REALLY bad and makes me cry and really upset, he turns it around and tells me I have issues OR he starts acting like heโ€™s upset and tries to make me feel bad for him.

      I was out of town after COVID visiting my family after 3 years across the planet and he brought a random woman into OUR apartment.
      When I called him on it he did what I said above.
      Iโ€™ve tried to get over it. He proposed 5 months later but in my gut Iโ€™m still so damn angry. And any time something happens my mind goes back to that. If I ever bring it up and how much he hurt me he says โ€œwhen are you going to get over that? It was nothing.โ€

      So here I am. Living across the world with someone I donโ€™t feel emotionally safe with but I canโ€™t leave just yet since he owes me a ton of money.

      This comes after my ex who was abusive on all levels.

      Sending everyone out there who has dealt with trauma and emotional abuse, a HUGE hug. Youโ€™re not alone!

  • @janedoe5229 says:

    “Insults are the love language of the narcissist”. Wow. SO TRUE.

    • @dominiquevalencia6146 says:

      It’s so warped that it’s kinda hilarious๐Ÿ˜†

    • @BLIQUEMIST26 says:

      Tell you horrible things then want your body

    • @Aphrodite_ErosLuvChild214-80 says:

      @@BLIQUEMIST26 unless it’s your mom and then perhaps it’s emotional incest

    • @autumnhomer9786 says:

      @@BLIQUEMIST26 ๐ŸŽ€This! ๐Ÿ‘†. ๐ŸŽ€

    • @princessirulancorrino4695 says:

      I swear his insults were the most horrific insults Iโ€™ve received in my life. One of the worst was when he abandoned me out of the blue, after doing everything for him. He said: โ€œIn your next relationship do better. And I mean work hard because you need to put a lot fo effort in order to be valued by someoneโ€ฆโ€

  • @nicholasjordan478 says:

    To a narcissist you can never have any issues with them. They take any criticism as an insult then tell you you’re the problem

  • @timdetmers3240 says:

    PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU DO NOT (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU AND PEOPLE WHO (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU DO NOT LOVE YOU. It’s that simple, but for those of us who have been narcissistically abused this is a bitter pill to swallow, a difficult truth to digest and come to terms with. I am 71 years old and I struggle with this reality daily.

    • @hammertime369 says:

      โค

    • @goesfarfliesnear1447 says:

      But you know this and are miles ahead of so many. The fact that you’re introspective enough to know this and wise enough to learn says a lot about you! Life wasn’t meant to be a struggle, please treat yourself with compassion!

    • @thebookdoc.writing.and.editing says:

      OK, tell my alter ego who has this really shallow underpinning and falls for the best looking girl in the room who no one will talk to.

      Over-confidence seems to work. But the personalities that go with a pretty face often don’t.

    • @anitaarya1451 says:

      It will never stop

    • @hammertime369 says:

      @@anitaarya1451 no but at least there are those of us who have come to that conclusion so forewarned is forearmed๐Ÿ’—

  • @jacquelineglitter4328 says:

    Never tell them anything personal. They will twist it around and tell everyone. They like to make you look bad and they’ll tell everyone how they helped you.

  • @MarieAntoinette1938_tmc says:

    i was finding myself arguing going in circles they are exhausting they never admit they are wrong.

    • @lydiam9323 says:

      They are totally exhausting and my ex narc was alway energized after their interrogations

    • @KAT-wo1js says:

      Yes, and they will say you exhausted them. You can’t get through to them. Their minds are not right.

    • @Aquila-uj1ed says:

      Never๐Ÿ˜ข

    • @arunima1002 says:

      True i m in this toxic marriage and suffering and waiting to die

    • @LauraSchendel-ko1qk says:

      @@arunima1002 Iโ€™m so sorry to hear that! If you are waiting to die, that should be a clear sign to you that you are unhappy. Bless you in your pursuit to find your true self and improve your life. Hugs!

  • @jkcliff2956 says:

    Having been raised by a narc mother who insulted me constantly, I thought that was normal. It took me years to learn that it is not.

    • @lillianbarker4292 says:

      Me too. And I believed her insults. Iโ€™ve had to unlearn them and itโ€™s taken years.

    • @daisyroots8926 says:

      @@lillianbarker4292so proud of you for that.. I havenโ€™t and Iโ€™m 60 this year.. I still believe that Iโ€™m stupid and no wonder I canโ€™t keep a man ๐Ÿ˜…

    • @lillianbarker4292 says:

      @@daisyroots8926 I found a man who worked with special needs middle school kids. He really helped me emotionally. Itโ€™s not too late to find love, though he may not be handsome. ๐Ÿฅฐ

    • @Bruno-tm3xo says:

      Same here and I found an account from a teacher who was coaching me extra who was coaching, asking the headmaster to ยซย diplomaticallyย ยป speak to my mother and ask her that I donโ€™t go home on week ends because it was taking me half the school week to get myself together โ€ฆโ€ฆ..which made me nogo for schoolwork.
      Everyone in the extended family was happy to look the other way just to have their peaceโ€ฆโ€ฆwhich ended up being at my emotional cost with the perk of on top of it of feeling guilty.
      Who ever might me the abuserโ€ฆโ€ฆ..RUN !!! You will find friends who become your familyโ€ฆ.a better oneโ€ฆ..maybe a spouse, but do not jump in with that one. Someone who genuinely loves you, will give you time. Do not bow toโ€ฆ.if we had a child it would make things betterโ€ฆ..the ultimate death trap.

  • @dynopascal6793 says:

    The hard thing is (I think) is that you can never be sure this person is a narcissist. You’ll be doubting your own judgement, thinking that you yourself are the narcissist when you find one of these trades in yourself while drowning in selfdoubt and indecisiveness. Ironically, that is exactly the type of person a narcissist loves to work with. It’s hard.

    • @annekerotterdam7499 says:

      You can be sure if you set (know) your own boundaries.

    • @elizabethevans7198 says:

      I totally understand 100 percent. Started keep a notebook so I could go back and look at each screaming session . Have also started secretly recording when it starts to see what is really going on. It was even harder for me to see clearly because my mother was a narcissist and as a child I developed coping skills to survive. Making me prefect prey .

    • @kurtbarks6270 says:

      Narcissist can destroy you. Youโ€™ll look back and wonder how you couldโ€™ve gone from a decisive, brave and confident person to someone who feels like you just want to get out of this life because youโ€™re a failure. Donโ€™t listen to the scripting they gave you. Itโ€™s time to be brave in your own story again.

    • @cmontygman says:

      Been going through this for the past 3-5 months, everyone says I’m not the narcissist. I keep doubting my judgement about her, while thinking I’m the one being the narcissist…

    • @dynopascal6793 says:

      @@cmontygman if you are empathic to others and are happy to please, you are certainly not the narcissistic kind

  • @milliehummer4713 says:

    I got told โ€œYou used to look so goodโ€ while pointing to a picture of myself when I was thirty. This is when I was fifty. I guess I wasnโ€™t supposed to age. My ex narc husband was wrinkled & losing his hair at the time, but he told me โ€œI deserve a sexy & attractive wifeโ€ when he discarded me for his alcoholic girlfriend. She is now in prison for felony dui.

  • @Wiggy8 says:

    I read your book โ€œShould I Stay or Should I Goโ€ in 2003. This enabled me to escape the narcissist husband after 25 years. It took me many years to get past it, and my health improved at least 50%!

  • @faridamajidzade8670 says:

    And when they insult, they say โ€œI am just honest person and being honest to youโ€

  • @AImaia says:

    Dr. Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I left my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic fiancรฉ 5 days ago. I had to call the police at 3 a.m. and fled with my dog with only a change of clothes and a toy. He would insult me, use my insecurities against me, guilt tripped me, insulted me. He would punch and kick walls, and keep me up all night. Because of your videos, i began having dreams of one day being free, and I would cry every night just at the thought of marrying him. I was scared, and lived in fear. You gave me the courage of doing what I never thought I could.

    • @user-cp9uv1ls4i says:

      Same. ๐Ÿ’•

    • @chelechele5871 says:

      How are you doing now? I hope all is well.

    • @heartness978 says:

      ๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ’” Iโ€™m so sorry to hear this Almaia. I hope youโ€™re doing well now. I was in the same situation last January and Iโ€™m still trying to heal cos I stopped being with him last two weeks. Itโ€™s so hard to leave but I realised these people never change. He was also screaming, clenching his jaw whilst shouting at me, heโ€™d bruise my arms or pin me on the bed and grab my face and just wouldnโ€™t handle his emotions well. One day I became the narcissist because I had enough of him. I was so angry I gave him the same poison shouted at him spat on his face I was so exhausted. Truthfully a new person came out and I was scared of her. I am now so much better alone but cry a lot at night because I remember how he called me names and always made himself the victim. I should have left when he punched the door and when heโ€™d chase me and Iโ€™d try hide in the bathroom. I was so used to this with my dad. I was abused as a kid and didnโ€™t realise this is so stupid of me to accept in a relationship.

    • @AImaia says:

      Thank you ladies, you are all so sweet! Hana I am so sorry because it honestly sounds like your experience was just so terrible. I thank God that you were also able to get out of the situation. I came from an abusive childhood myself, and I saw my mom stuck with my dad even though he was an alcoholic narcissist who would put his hands on her and us. I think in someway I thought that if my mom was able to put up with a man like that, so can I, and it should NOT be that way. Donโ€™t blame yourself or call yourself stupid for accepting the relationship. They are good at manipulating and breaking you! Stay strong!! I am sure you are still a kind person with a beautiful soul! Take care of you and make yourself as happy as you can because you deserve it! I will NOT date anyone again unless he makes me happier than I can make myself!! ๐Ÿ’– Sending you a big hug! Good luck with everything!!

    • @helenweatherby1694 says:

      โค๏ธ

  • @n4titi says:

    I think the worse thing you can do to someone, is listen to what they have been through, and then put them through it again. For me this is exactly what narcissists people do. You over share something that happened to you and it is used as a weapon against you.

    • @x426x says:

      Mine used my inner most personal things I vented to her about against me. Spread my business. Sent naked pics of me to everyone. I mean the list goes on and on with the disrespect. But to hear her tell it, itโ€™s all my fault.

    • @jayaxavier1965 says:

      Oh yes so true ๐Ÿ˜ข

    • @Dhyaam5989 says:

      Exactly. I didn’t know what narcissist behaviour was . Growing up with one parent like that I was used to it.
      My first try at dating I ended up with narcissist. I was always anxious, stresses , at extreme of my emotions ..and when I asked to stop all those he said we are having completely healthy relationship. After long rant of his mistakes he told me I’m just like my father. That hurt a lot..when he used everything I told him against me. He called me a psycho and said no one would put up with me , I should be grateful. Consent was a joke to him . He talked as if he deserved my body just because we were in a relationship. When I refused coz I am a virgin .. he was ranting on that it’s modern times , virginity is nothing, sex is pain and pleasure that should be enjoyed. When I refused to fall in line with that one he was trying to make me believe I’m wrong party . He shamed me for being traditional. I was craving for affection so I did fall in some way like video calls. Thank God for some sense that remained coz of my parents else I would have been in much deeper trouble.
      Even after 5 months of no contact I’m still afraid coz after long periods of his stubbornness to not breakup he finally went away quietly and quickly after I said I’m scared and not interested in him. Maybe he realised I didn’t fell in his trap because when I went back and read that last chat my responses to his many things were different from than my usual.

      I’m afraid whether he has screen recorded our video calls which he forced me into ( I was also stupid for doing it coz I used to think that was so stupid earlier and now but at that time don’t know what happened) . Whether he will call and blackmail me or if he will spread those . I can’t even imagine those scenarios, my family will be hurt , my conservative society will shun me. But no matter what I won’t return to him. Because living in shame as an outcast is better than living as dead body in prison

    • @MsKenTexiana says:

      So true. It happened to me. I no longer tell the narcissist anything about me. I disconnected from them. Those who know the narcissist, I advise not tell them information you don’t want to hear or use against. The more information they have about you, the more fuel they have to use against you to hurt you and control you.

      I get phone calls from narcissist that I do not answer. Texts wishing happy birthday and holidays, I respond thanks. That is it. I don’t want the trauma drama.

    • @MsKenTexiana says:

      โ€‹@@x426x Similar things happen to me. But hurted. Got away from them in January 2023 and took the year to get over the hurt. I have peace.

  • @tuckjess30t59 says:

    My husband loved to say I never contributed to the marriage after 22 years together, and 2 children. He always did his best to trigger an angry response so he could point me out to be crazy.

    • @jamesestes3787 says:

      My ex husband did the exact same thing to me for 12 years. I feel your pain and Iโ€™m sorry you went through that.

    • @ginademecs801 says:

      Mine did as well and it has been almost five years trying to divorce him because he has spent all his time energy and money punishing me for calling him out in his bad behavior, mistreatment and abuse which he says I caused and deserve. He is evil in every single sense of the word. I would not want to be him for the karma and rather if God that is already in his life and is actively bringing justice (finally) to myself and our son. I wish you all the best on your journey to healing and that you have peace, hope and the self love that will bring you the amazing things God has for you!
      Thank you Dr. Ramani! You do Gods work, you save, and you heal us, and we will never forget how you helped us in the hardest, most frightening fight for our very lives!! May God bless you beyond measure for all you do!!

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