What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?
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The scapegoat child eventually becomes aware that they have been victimised in their family. They may then notice how this attracted other predatory personalities to them. They may become aware that the root of all of this is because they were taught to have no boundaries in childhood. At this point the scapegoat child may now realise that they need to develop strong boundaries. They need to not be afraid to say “no”. They may realise that being alone is better than being disrespected.
What’s considered disrespected?
Thank you. Something brought me here and i don’t know what it was. Coincidence and fate maybe. I am 39 years old and highly empathic. I have been raised by two highly Narcissistic parents and it haunts me every day. I have my cosmetology license and i am full of fears. So much self-loathing that slows me down from becoming something. That little voice in my head always reminding me of how small i am. Should i seek help? As well as continue to watch these videos? I want to leave this apartment. This home is no longer where the heart is. My cat was put down in July of 2020 and my life ended. I lost my trustworthy love.
My story 😢 cant wait 2 be a mommy
Spot on Narc Survivor!
Amen well said
The moment the scapegoat of the narcissistic family starts setting healthy boundaries, that is the moment when the scapegoat becomes the blacksheep of the family…. . Harsh reality…
Bah, bah💯
But so accurate sad reality 😞
So true!
@@LoziPop I’m sorry you had to go through that. I understand it must’ve been hell. Just like you said, I too rebelled from an early age and I was labeled as “difficult”. My brother was the golden child here too. Except we were both physically abused a lot, and he became exactly like them, maybe even worse and I became everything they were not.
I just want you to know that you went through hell and you are still fighting, you are an empathetic person with a beautiful heart.
And this in my opinion makes you a warrior. A kind hearted warrior. I hope you have a wonderful life ahead and I wish you all the best. I hope you find the right people for yourself because God knows you deserve it. I don’t know you, but I want you to know that I’m rooting for you 🙂
I’d much rather be a scapegoat….than a golden child, flying monkey or the invisible one!.. At 58, I’m OUT, I’m FREE. They’re all stuck there in their own filth!
I looked at all of this when I was around 35 and started to see that as the scapegoat I was really the lucky one of the bunch. I am 65 and just tossed the rest of the family after my 96 year old mother finally died. Yes Finally no more barbed stabs from any of them!!
I have a codep husband who has high covert tendencies and he does not care to learn a bit about all of this so he is stuck as well.
It is really sad to have witnessed it over the years. My sibs are in their 70’s and they still are total shitheads. I just tossed the last tie and I am done.
Free at Last of it all.
When I cut contact with the whole family I sent a message to the one sister who I thought was neutral (until she too turned), saying politely they are a bunch of leeches and I’m the only one who has made it on my own while they are stuck and when it all becomes public they will get to feel the disapproval of the whole community.
@@Feribrat99 Congrats Karen….it’s a truly wonderful thing!.. Please enjoy your strength and resilience!.💜
My oldest sister was the scapegoat & you described her as an adult to the T. She’s fiercely protective of her children, she does alot of volunteer work & has great empathy for everyone in her life. She has been NC with our mother for several years & she’s healthier for it. My abuse started in my teenage years, in my 50’s now & just realized thru research that our mother has NPD. I’m now NC & the only one still in contact is our youngest brother & also the GC. There is hope thru research & lots of therapy.
AMEN
One good thing about being a scapegoat is: YOU LOOSE NOTHING OF VALUE WHEN LOOSING YOUR FAMILY. I don’t miss them not one day.
Ohh yes. . With you girl!
@@toni-leeblair5869 Ditto
True… They have nothing to offer
Not one day!
Seeing other friends’ families, I grieved not having a family (abstract) as a kid, but decided to make my own. I don’t miss the family I’m estranged from. No sorrow, just peace.
Told my mom I grew up feeling emotionally invalidated. “That’s not true” was her response lol I give up
I feel this and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
That’s exactly what my mom used to say.
I’ve gotten “Oh Stop! That’s not true and i’m tired of hearing about it!” when trying to tell them about abusive/unfair family dynamic. Also, as a child “it’s all in your head,” and “you’re imagining things…” The gaslighting and invalidation is endless with these people.
That made me laugh and I get it.
Seems like it’s always the most direct, focused, honest, respectfully-spoken comments we make that baffle narcs the most.
I learned young that more than two sentence statements were only going to be picked apart or used as ammunition.
When you’re four, and crying because something really bad just happened, the last thing that’s on your mind is “I hope someone can make this worse.”
Years later, when you’re just trying to break even to keep hope and sanity alive, the last thing you’re thinking is how inappropriate it was to cry when you were four.
It’s like they only process what they can use as a blunt instrument.
Stay Strong, Ramani peeps 💪
The scapegoat becomes the cycle breaker – and becomes isolated and lonely
Or….breaks the cycle and clears the slate making room for new beautiful stories.
I break the cycle but I’m not lonely in any way
It does not have to be lonely. You make room for healthier more whole people to enter your life.
@Ginger Klajbor Me too.
I think it’s a very lonely time after you go no contact and FINALLY have broken that cycle. So glad I did it but there’s a grieving process of what COULD/SHOULD have been but never was or will be. I am finally taking some steps forward and embracing my gifts as an empath ☺❤
My wife was the scapegoat in her family. She’s an amazing mom, wife, best friend. She’s loving, fiercely loyal to our son and I. She runs a very successful small business and her work ethic is out of this world. Having been around her toxic family and seeing first hand just how sick and twisted the family dynamic is, you couldn’t ask for a better human being. I can’t even begin to tell you guys how proud I am of her.
That was just wonderful to read!
That’s the type of mom I aspire to be one day
I never had kids. I believe I was just to stressed to carry a child. 62 now, but I’ve been mom, sister, friend to many. My family is so scary to me. I don’t know if they realize how toxic they are, because it’s all justified.
Well this was a wonderful start ✨🧡
How sweet
My Narc father used to tell me all the time: “when you’ll have kids, they will fight you back the exact way you are fighting me”
I used to tell myself quietly “In order for my kids to fight me, I’ll first have to treat them the bad way you’re treating me”.
Ufffff deep
I can so relate to your comment
@@kittykathurricanetexas1634 Hugs.
Damn! I remember narc father saying that to me.
My mom said the same to me. She would point out that when I became a teenager I would no longer love her and be a horrible daughter. By the time I was a teenager I build up so much resentment because I did notthing but try to please her. I wish I was as brave as you at that age. Now I know better
Pros:
-We are empathetic and anticipate people’s moods and needs well
-We are resilient AF
-When we *truly* are in the wrong, we are able to admit it and aren’t too prideful
-We value peace
-As adults we can evolve to recognize gaslighting and avoid abusers after having unhealthy relationships.
Oh my gosh.. I said above, I had to go No Contact to find PEACE and Stability. Your so right.
Well said . Thank you 😊
Yes, I learned it with 60! And yeah, I’m happy now, after I finally have learned to love and care for myself. It’s never ever too late! 💜🙏💛
@@boomerangsruckflug8513 me too!
Absolutely. Cons: we can never be too sure of ourselves even if we know we’re right
I remembered at the age of 20 I went to my boyfriend’s parents home. I felt that his mom had some reservations about me but he insisted that I spend time w/ his family. I was nervous. His mom asked me help in the kitchen for either dinner or lunch. I remembered turning to put a gallon of milk on the counter but missed and made a spill on the floor. I started shaking and tearing up. I thought that she would scold like my mom. His mom just looked straight at me and said sweetly it was just milk. Nothing to be worried about. At that moment, I realized that I was traumatized by my mother and needed help. His mother became the mom I dreamed about that day. She just knew what I needed without asking. She saved my life.
I am so happy for you. That’s the kind of mother we all deserved.
😢😢❤️
Awe that is soooooo great to hear!!! I love her for being there you! I am momma to many gay children, where their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t understand, I always tell them to keep their hearts open for all the Spiritual moms who are there for you!
Love is grand and rare- glad it reached you and you were ready 🙏🏼
Same my mom in law is so kind loving and understanding for her kids and extends some kindness to me too. Although she is more protective of her son than me but even at her worst she isnt even 1% of my mom lol. IDK whether to cry or laugh at this
You’ve never met me, but you just described my entire childhood. I went no contact with my entire family, and I’ve never been happier. November is a really hard month for me though, and I really needed to hear all of this, thank you
I was 68 when I finally let go of my two boys and a grandchild. My life was even worse than the Dr described. I’m bipolar, recovering from BPD and am transgender m/f. When I let go I went into the most manic episode I had ever had. I can’t take the meds for bipolar, it makes me not want to live. I did not respond to their trying to pull me back in and unfortunately shared thoughts they cherry picked to get a court order to have me brought in for mental heath evaluations. Cops, ambulance, lights all over the place in the middle of the night with a pounding on my door.
When the police came in, I was devastated that my children choose this way to help me. As the reality sunk in what was happening, I thanked God that their act totally wiped away my obsessive love for them.
I am 71 and healing. Don’t go back. It’s the best way. Good Luck and listen to the Dr. She knows the pain we have endured and that we can heal.
November sucks for me as well. Mother’s bday is 16th and mine is 17th.
Congratulations! I also cut my so called family out of my life and it was a breath of fresh air!! Like being reborn!! Happy New Year!!❤
@@JohnDoe-ip2hx
Happy New Year and cheers to the survivors.
Same here
I am an adult scapegoat from an indian family, where the sons are born as Gods and my awareness since childhood, being the blacksheep empath, has helped me to become the survivor and the warrior; having suffered domestic violence (GBV) from my father, constantly protecting my mother, I don’t take any BS from anyone including my own family now. It’s taken a while to get there and I am now in my fifties, living by my own terms and only see my family when I want to. Healthy boundaries are one of the most important factors I congratulate myself for, best move I ever made.
Oh gosh , thank you for writing hope you do well
Thank you Dr. Ramani I finally found a man who truly loves me and has never given up on me. Scapegoats need to learn to forgive themselves and others.❤ It’s about forgiveness.
Same here am an Indian woman
Dont ever call yourself an empath, gives big redflag and abusive vibes
I suffered a lot due to my narcissist mother. She ruined my relationship with everyone. Hated throughout my life for no reason. I always tried to be a good daughter to her. But since I gave up my efforts past couple of years, she literally disowned me
As a child I remember telling myself to be kind because I didn’t want to make others feel the way my mom made me feel.
❤
I decided not to get married bcuz I assumed . marriage will be like my parents’ relationship and not have kids bcuz I believed I was defective and so didn’t want to make kids who woikd be miserable and defective.
That makes me sigh and swallow. And having thought, done and try to remain as kind as you are. To me now 35, at times when your sorrow is mentioned/attended.
Do people doubt your sorrow, or intens emotional display when in unforeseen triggering public scenarios? Doesn’t necesarily have to be intens, but it’s when roads cross
I find it very hard to meet someone halfway, when they don’t believe you can cry because they thought of you their hero for never having seen you cry?
It’s hard, being judged, those few times you actually show yourself. It’s as if 2 world crumble. And for some reason those 2 have to be conpared, and 1 has to be the lesser.
Always grinds my frickin gears😅✌️
So your super power must be, you can & like to Identify with others and will rush to their aid to intercept what may cause them pain, even if you have to deal with it yourself! ………Admirable
In my experience, it only opens one up to more abuse from everyone else in your life.
As the “scapegoat”, in adulthood, I cut off all contact with all family members, and being fiercely independent and strong-willed, went on to heal and went on to be successful, content with healthy relationships, but it did take decades!! But, I have arrived!
I went to age 40 trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Eventually with hearing loss and family members chewing me out for not hearing them on demand. That’s when I realized my entire life my family expected me to do the impossible. I cut off contact not only to my family but anyone who knows them.
So proud of you 🎉
Yesterday on New Year’s Eve, my mom gathered us all and said “let’s forgive each other for the past mistakes and move on this new year”. I walked away right then and there because I knew her cycle will continue in the same way, but she cheaply wanted forgiveness without even giving an apology.
Well done
That was a real boss move!!! 💝🫶🏆You will feel so much better now.
I love it when narcissists say things like “let’s forgive each other”, as if both parties have something to apologize for. They’ll never own up to their abusive ways.
@@escalatorgoddess2078yup, till this day I don’t think my parents have admitted to doing anything wrong when raising me. My years of therapy says otherwise 😵💫
They deny that they have done anything wrong. Why would she apologize?
Yes, I was the scapegoat and bastard in my family. I had things done to me that was truly horrendous. I have been in therapy since I was 22 yrs. I am now 73 yrs old. I got blamed for everything, even my brothers and sister. I never had a drug or alcohol use. I cannot be with a man. I am a well educated woman and a good professional career. My parents turned my siblings against me telling them I was a liar and crazy. I left at 17, and never looked back.
I’m sorry that happened to you Rosana. It’s frustrating how people can be so horrible. I can’t be in a relationship either. I was the scapegoat and thought my sister the golden child and I were close, only to discover that she made up lies about me to tear me down to our parents and others and realizing that she and my mother are covert narcs. It was such betrayal. 😢 Now I can’t trust anyone.
❤❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing, this gives me hope as a 22 y/o woman.
🙏🏻💕
Terrible I’m sorry to hear this. That Sounds like my father
I am blown away how you have just explained all 72 years of my life. My mother was the narcissist and I, as the first born daughter, was the scapegoat. My sister two years younger was the golden child. My life would have been very different if I knew all this earlier.
I have always been sensitive and an empath. I’m really a good person and I knew that, even though I was being told the opposite.
I broke away at age eighteen to live with my father three thousand miles away. I blossomed! I wasn’t being told how stupid and ugly I was. My new family adored me. I went to school, got a job in the beauty industry and I even did some modeling. On visits to see my mother I told her all this but she still made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. (“You’re too thin. Don’t think you can always use your looks to make money.” Blah blah) unfortunately, I met a narcissistic boyfriend who did to me the same things my mom did. I used alcohol to cope. I lost jobs, went to therapy that didn’t help, and made a mess of my life.
Long story short, I moved back to the Midwest to get away from that guy and because of the high cost of living in California.
I found my way though. Got a job, met a guy, and got married. (He wasn’t good enough for me according to my mom.) That was when I was 34. We have been married nearly 39 years. Happily! How did I do that!? I was very determined. I had an innate faith in myself.
Sorry I went on so long. Plus there was a lot more to the family dynamic that there is no room here to get into.
It’s just kind of weird hearing someone describe my life! I have been through therapy several times but none of this ever came up.
Thank you!
Are you a narcisist?
That’s a beautiful story I’m happy you found your peace after so much heartache, god bless you🙏🏾
ha ha you don’t have to apologize, you are worth reading about!!
I prefer to call myself the escape goat, because I was able to escape and go no contact!
❤❤❤
Yes, yes & yes.☺
LUV IT 💪🏽💪🏽
#ESCAPE-Goat
This is smart, I think I will do the same because I don’t want to reinforce the idea that I am the victim, the “I was one in the past” but not any longer for sure I will say I am the survivor aka the escape goat as well haha
How did you get to no contact with your family? I would like to know how I can do that myself! Thank you
They cannot stand to see you happy or proud of anything, they have to crush you when they feel your getting too big for your boots.
“If people who were once scapegoats can trust their guts as adults, they can be the best red flag detectors “….so relatable
This is me now. although it took me until I was about 40 to realize it since I was manipulated and scapegoated most of my life