What NOT to do when trying to support survivors of narcissistic abuse
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
LISTEN TO MY PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts:
Spotify:
Stitcher:
iHeart Radio:
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Don’t judge a survivor of narcissistic abuse. Listen to them. Give them an opportunity to share their side of the story. It’s likely that they’ve been silenced and gaslit for a very long time.
Give everybody an opportunity to share. It just stands to reason. ❤
Thatk you….there are so many entitled comments out there that doesn’t help
Some lady at the gas station said to me….
I had it worse than you……
I wanted to hit her….
I said ITS NOT A COMPETITION
I tried to be there for my father who married a narcissist, and he became her enabler…and began to gaslight me when I tried explaining to him the reality of his situation.
So, I’m going to judge. He knew two years in that she was a problem (a therapist told him this) and he stayed.
@@Heidithink77 well….you know that pushing him isn’t going to help, right? Just like with kids, you’re only pushing him into her arms harder.
Thank you Dr Ramani for all that you do!
Don’t try to fix it, just be there for them. Silent and supportive.
Wow, thnks for this! 2 dags ago I had a lecture exactly about this topic and this video is really a confirmation of my job as a therapiest in sweden working with survivours of narcabuse. You’re my heroe and rolemodel.
Her videos are completely realatble and easy to understand.
I am the mad hatter lol she drove me crazy but I learned a lot to not repeat it with my daughter ❤ your work is truly valuable 😊
Having someone you can talk to about it, is great. The problem is there’s nothing they can say or do to stop the bleeding and they end up getting tired of listening to you.
I look at it as feeling frustrated, not tired. We want to help, but can’t.
@@susankeith326Totally, it’s the feeling of helplessness. Acknowledging that the unfair and undeserved wounds are there and are real is really the best they can do to counter the gaslighting attempts to cover it up.
I know right? I can relate – boy oh boy can I relate, youngblood8540!
Gage and concentrate on maybe only a few things. Go slow. My wife said that in the beginning but now she knows I am healing…and you ALWAYS will be in a state of healing somewhat…..she now just listens. Be proactive in how much and what you talk about.
I totally understand what you are going through. It does hurt I have had someone who I know got tired of listening to me ,I just went towards people who would give me help and support. You have to know when to shut the door so that God can open another one ,a BETTER one.I’m sorry you’re hurting. Peace and blessings to you I understand your pain.
It’s so invalidating when people think you might be the problem when you share something about your mother. For people coming from nornal families, having a narcissistic mother is so foreign, they can’t believe it.
As Dr. Ramani said: “wisdom is knowing when to walk away.”
This is so true! They just can’t believe it, because it’s not something they experienced. The concept of a mother who HATES their child and wants to DESTROY them is completely foreign to them. They have absolutely no contetxt for it at all! I don’t bother talking about it anymore with people who cannot understand, because the invalidation and shaming is too painful.
@christinelamb1167 I stopped too
Thank you for encouraging people to be kind by listening, being present, showing compassion, instead of trying to fix. It was so tiring to face the fixes and the incomfort of others that i stopped sharing and put a brave positive face to reassure everyone so they would stop trying to fix me.
I stopped putting only, my positive side up, then they dissapeared.
First they fawned like hell, (sadly, I missed that) then got angry they could not control, then started to search for all triggerpoints, chasing after all whats in me, started crushing all my relations, they started testing, all my boundaries over and over, and then became really very mean. So I left, and I will never go back into such realations.
It is extremely hard when everyone else including your family and friends think you are crazy, because the Narcissist portrays themselves as man or woman of the year.
They know how to play the victim card very well. Noone is going to believe you even if you bring the receipts. PLAN to get out.
❤❤❤ Dr Ramani I’m so grateful for everything you do.
It is extremely hard when everyone else including your family and friends think you are crazy, because the Narcissist portrays themselves as man or woman of the year to everyone else around you.
Yep. And they get them to turn on you. And they do.
It is exquisitely painful
1000%. They are genius at portraying themselves as martyrs and so together….its truly amazing ..like watching a movie of your own life
When you live with a narcissist, you are never healed. You do the best you can for the rest of your life to function in spite of the damage that has been done to you by the narcissist.
Its time to go…Christ walked away from Narcs. He didnt spend time trying to defend Himself like we seemingly have to all the time. Silently plan…and that plan will become a life boat. Once you got it figured…slowly pull away emotionally. Toxicity is NOT your destiny.
I told my parents that they can’t fix everything with the narcissistic family members who have caused us all harm, yet they pressure me to cross my boundaries to ‘fix things’ and get mad when I disagree and tell them they might have to accept that they can’t force it. It’s sad but I can only do so much and I matter too. Protecting my health. Walking away to save myself❤ Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I see this happening in my step family. It’s so hard to watch. I just try to be a good listener and not offer advice, but it’s hard. Bottom line, I know I can’t fix this.
I have over sacrificed myself to try to help those affected by the narcissists family members only to be severely hurt by the enablers too, so I have to let it go and focus on myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
What I need, is just a friend who acknowledges it and still just wants to get some coffee, go see a movie, go to a museum with me, give me a hug when I’m losing it. And who lets me do that for them too. That’s it.
Why can’t I find people like you in real life? This is all I want too!
I don’t want people to stop their world for me. I don’t want attention, just interesting conversations sometimes and to experience art with. I want to go smell perfumes with someone, look at the beach, or grab some Thai food. Coffee, movies and museums too! It sounds lovely, refilling and undemanding.
I hope you find a friend like this, or hit me up if you’re ever in Washington State and want to hang out 😂🥰
These true friends are so precious to me.
I’m about to actually get sick watching this. Dr. Ramini, thank you for the truth.. I’m sitting in the bathroom, the only privacy I have, crying .. I see now, I live in a 750 ft house with my hubs of 29 years, I had no idea, I had critical back surgery and I was left alone to take care of myself, while he blamed my family… He enjoyed playing in bars while I tried to recover..I know what I have to do .. hugs to your truth
Also, know that you were likely targeted specifically due to your abilities. The narrative of your identity and pervasive character defects isn’t real, it wasn’t ever valid; only for a narc abuse victim is that idea ever a relief. 😂 But the ideas that you can’t make it on your own and that you can’t get help, it benefits them for you to believe that. It isn’t true. They couldn’t ever allow you to believe that it could be possible, that was important for their status quo. It is likely that you have been handling all of your things plus theirs, and that you are actually very capable, likely more capable, without them adding to your stress.
Best advice I was given to be able to sort out fact from fiction in my marriage: consider all of their actions and behaviors, without any of their words, and none of anyone else’s words, either (enablers run rampant). Remove all of the words from the context, as if the memory were a silent movie. Look for patterns.
You ARE capable and deserving. We all have the right to pursue happiness. Protecting yourself isn’t “doing” anything to them, don’t believe that for a moment. Same if they threaten to call the police, I allowed that to deter me once and it’s a standard threat. Be wary of your privacy. Do not let them know that you know, remember safety first. Many of these types don’t take kindly to their property stealing itself in the middle of the night. Protect yourself, and your peace.
@PaigeSquared thank you for your kind words and wisdom.. new path, authentic me.
There are people out there who WILL get it. First..plan. Then figure when you can quietly escape. Know the legal ramifications but this is murdering you inside. Christ is a constant companion. He does lead if you believe . Your hubbs ,based on what you say, is the problem and will NEVER change. Hope is out there…..run to it after planning
The bright side stuff really gets me. Especially, when it’s from narcs or enables. 😢
Narcissistic abuse involves, manipulating, gaslighting, triangulating, deception often by covert means. Total misunderstandings all the way around. A target in the middle of all this will Often Feel misunderstood , silenced, blacklisted, triangulated, ghosted, falsely blamed etcetera. Kind support, sitting with them in silence ot silent support is often helpful in itself. This is a Tough One Dr. Ramani
vAsk them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com