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Andrew McLaurin
When some people say narcissists have empathy, they’re talking about cognitive empathy. Not affective or compassionate empathy. Narcissists read into your emotions. That’s how they manipulate you and learn to push your buttons.
They can also have dark empathy. They know what to do to make you feel really bad so they can manipulate you.
@@lt827Yes, and make you doubt intentions of everyone around.
@@lt827 So true! Whenever I think of a former narcissistic colleague the song “Hit when they’re up, hit when they’re down” comes to mind.
I feel that there is also a close link between narcissist and psychopaths. A psychopath emulates empathy in the way a narcissist would to get what they want. Be it a serial killer even , the way they groom and and then lure their victims. Bunch, Ramirez, etc. No remorse. The narcissist also lacks remorse?
Ah you get into psychopathy
Man she is very very good at what she is saying.
Amen; she breaks down empathy beyond what I ever imagined, but to a T!
Your description of the dark empath and love bombing of a person with low self esteem is exactly what happened to me, down to being in grad school at the time. I’m only now digging myself out of the 20 year hole of narc emotional and verbal abuse – being around him literally made me act like a different person – and worse, think that it was my fault or “just me.” Led to shame, depression, anxiety, everything you’d expect. Absolutely awful and terribly insidious. THANK YOU Dr. Ramani for the immense help you’re providing to victims 🙏
It’s what happened to me too. I always said that my ex-husband loved bombed me by pretending to be a paragon of care, empathy, and consent. He built me up after I’d left an abusive relationship, only to tear me down. The switch flipped after we got married. I’m still healing from it.
@@janessah.2534 this. I internalised what they said, and I was triggered out of myself, literally, while they laughed their heads off. It’s never not entertaining for the psychopath that he/she is achieving that inner drive to kill you, whichever way they can.
Thank you for making the distinction between narcissism vs neurodivergence ❤ I truly appreciate it.
Yes, this is important.
Mine I was sobbing and he was ABSOLUTELY COLD toward me . He had no concern, didnt ask what upset me, didn’t hold me….NOTHING
That used to make me tremble. It was so cruel.
He used to ask what was the need for crying and get even more angry whenever i cried
It’s absolutely chilling the level of coldness they have towards someone in pain! 😨I have experienced this, and it’s so lonely and sad.
My mother will do the hug thing IF I’m so broken and mentally falling apart and balling my eyes out. By then it’s too little too late. Otherwise nope. It’s a show, a con, she likes playing rescuer. My ex had close to no empathy, possibly sociopathic. My mother thinks she is so perfect that she could have handled him!
This was true of my ex as well.
It goes to show you how truly miserable they are with themselves to have to get joy from other’s pain.
It is all about power.
“Empathy melts into a manipulation ‘ . That’s all you need to know. But, you already know that ❤
I grew up as the scapegoat in a narc family system, and because of that I am typically able to spot a narcissist a mile away. However, recently in therapy my therapist suggested my partner may be a covert narcissist and it blew my mind. I always felt he was definitely struggling with AVPD, but when I would try to explain how he hurt me, he was so un-empathetic and treated me as the enemy to defeat. However, once he FINALLY understood what I was saying after hours of defensiveness, projection, and yelling, he would then go into a shame spiral that I perceived as empathy. My abusive stepfather was very grandiose with little to no empathy, so seeing my partner actually display empathy made me blind to his true nature. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do! You saved my life years ago and here you are again hitting the nail on the head and making me feel so validated
I didn’t realize over-empathy was a thing until recently. I broke that cycle just last month. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your content—without your channel, I wouldn’t know half of what I do now.
What I witness with my parents is that they are able to show compassion and empathy when witnessing or hearing about situations in which they are not involved. However, when they are involved, their “thing” (selfishness, grandiosity, immaturity, or whatever it is) innoculates them from any possibility of feeling responsible for the problems they contribute to. And as a result, their ability to feel empathy is quashed. They can only conceive of the situation through their own self-protecting lens. This must be the cognitive empathy that you describe.
You just described my sister and her husband. To a T.
@@ericb8413 I’m sorry to hear that. 🙁 At least we can take comfort in the fact that these people close to us are not psychopaths and experience some of the depth of human feeling.
Exactly true of my father. Highly empathetic towards strangers.
I don’t know what’s worse, not knowing you’re in a narcissistic relationship or knowing you are!
Knowing for me. Once I knew it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t stay anymore. I couldn’t convince myself that I loved them anymore.
@jenniferwaidelich642 ignorance is not bliss in this case, but atleast its better than knowing and not being able to get out
Good question
Knowing empowered me to leave…it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t going to change.
When I was little I didn’t know for 21 years, I thought I was the most worthless person in the world, and behind closed doors everyone’s mom was mean but nice to everyone else, but I moved out married a great man and he helped me see not everyone is evil, it took me 10 years in our marriage to go no contact with my whole family, but he passed away after 18 years, and they came back, I fell for all the lies again took me 5 years to walk away for good, I heard narc mom died alone in hospice, found a peace I never had, it’s just me and my adult kids and grandkids now, I think knowing is better because so many times I felt sucker punched, the strongest person they couldn’t run off was my husband!
So good! The parts about how trauma messes with empathy. This gets twisted in narcissistic relationships. The narcissist will abuse / trigger you then immediately demand empathy, then criticize your humanity if the empathy is in any way faulty, then refuse any recalibration or direct apology. Now they have you in scramble mode … maximum fawn, while they judge and criticize.
Wow! Identical to my experience that I have been dealing with. It is truly horrid.
Yes they love to spin you around until you get dizzy. It’s a way for them to keep the upper hand. The end always justifies the means for them.
Yes they love to spin you around until you get dizzy. It’s a way for them to keep the upper hand. The end always justifies the means for them.
And they have no trouble contradicting their previous assessments of you “you are so smart” in later years becomes “You don’t know anything. You would fall flat on your face without me” My husband was a narcissist. My mother was a psychopath. So when I met my husband, he seemed nice by comparison. 🙄
Thank you for (again) mentioning that autistic people have empathy. I have always felt loads of empathy and very deeply. Now that I’m truly healing, I can connect even better with both people and animals, nature. It’s soooo wonderful and rich. And finally I have empathy for myself. What a game changer! ❤️
Wow, so Brilliant. Narcissists are able to LOOK like they have empathy, and it’s critical to know what that looks like in different situations. BTW, you look really pretty in this one, Dr. Ramani. You are a beautiful woman.
She is. 😊
Let’s not forget the part where they then turn around and ask for a favour right after showing you “empathy”. It’s ALL manipulation.
When the empathy feels off. Man does that resonate.
The DEEP principle is an Empath’s friend.
Learning to set boundaries, learning when to turn it on and how to turn it off made all the difference for me; a journey from lost and bewildered to centered and empowered.
This is all so complicated/convoluted – in this video AND in real life..I think this is why it’s so helpful – when possible – to step back from our relationships for a while and to begin to sort through them one by one…Most helpful, during this time, is going for walks in nature and also talking things out – even into a phone recorder…It’s a little of a horror show, adjusting all these settings but these days, it’s possible to offset the horror with spending a weekend watching a bunch of videos on the topic, knowing you are not alone
This!… 23 year relationship – loving… cruel… loving… cruel… loving… CRUELLLL!!!. 8 months no contact. 65 years old and in the process of rebuilding my entire life – lost everything, even my adult children from a previous narcissistic marriage (healing this with them without me fawning – a slow process) but all worth the painful steps. I take accountability for my part. I’m free. Now love for myself first with stronger boundaries – I don’t need to fix anyone anymore 🙂 Love to those still trying to get out. You got this ❤
You tell my story!!!
Please tell me, how you got over loosing your adult children.
@@cariabadi-sredni4092 Lots of self love. Forgiving myself and forgiving them. Trusting there’s benefit in every situation. . Leaving the door open but with firm boundaries – they’re not liking this, hence a very slow process on both ends. Lots of silence (no chasing to fix things) and sitting in (breathing through) the discomfort of not fixing things. Lots and Lots of baby steps while I’m healing my ‘fawn’ response (learning to get out of my own way). Handing the rest over to The Divine (God / Spirit / Universe. All the best. I know it hurts!