The DEEPER reason some people don’t want to leave a narcissistic relationship
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You may not want to leave, because they’ve targeted your self-esteem to the where you feel like you don’t deserve any better. Or maybe because of the lies and future faking, where you’re left hoping that things will get better. It may also be because they’ve blamed you for everything and threatened to expose you as this horrible person you’re meant to be.
💯💯💯 All of the above and add to that the blackmailing and threats..
Yes!!
I think some people dont want to leave because they fear the unknown and want the “goodness” they experienced at first. For me I had issues leaving because of age and lack of resources. I was seen as a utility and resource. I was rejected for who I was. I learned to stay silent along the way in youth.
Yes, and by the time it ends, it is very hard to start over late in life because all the trauma our mind, body, spirit has endured, starts coming out in all kinds of ways.
@@kathyparker5009…Yes KathyP……you said it….every word..
@@pinkmeadows so true. I think it’s harder when you’re older.
@@kathyparker5009yes! 🤝 🌹
For me it was because I believed that he was the only one who “got me” and that i’d be lost without him. But the truth was I was the strong one in the beginning until he completely sucked the life out of me and I felt I have nothing and Im nobody. It was so horrifying the way he would play me and breadcrumb me with the smallest amounts of attention just to get me to stay. True evil of this world.
To be wanted, loved and seen
Spot on.
And there is actually nothing wrong with these wants. Only the narc is the wrong person… and in the end you end up thinking those things are wrong.
Some people don’t realize or are in denial about their spouse being a narcissist. I Also think they have been brainwashed by the narcissist and are too far gone. I told my dad that I thought mom was a sociopath (now i think she might be a narcissist) and he dismissed it and expected me to apologize to her for calling her that. He always takes her side no matter what she says or does. I refuse to apologize because I know that her behavior was unacceptable. It’s heartbreaking that my dad doesn’t see it. She almost manipulated me into losing my relationship with my sister. She has turned everyone against my sister. I’m glad that I finally figured it out
It’s especially sad to see a man completely demasculated and mind- controlled by them. The mind control is powerful. It’s like the quote by Mark Twain…”It’s easier to get someone to believe a lie than it is to convince them they’ve been lied to.”
Good for you! Unfortunately, in my case, my sister could not ever see the manipulation and just mimicked the despise towards me as my parents had
@tonyak2446 so sorry, sadly i know exactly what u mean… all the best from Belgium (my father used to complain, like all couples do, about my mom before), now he calls her fantastic… :😢
@@tonyak2446 Mark Twain said “It’s easier to get someone to believe a lie than to convince them they’ve been lied to.”
Sharing an observation:
People that are raised to be “emotionally dependent” or have a “codependent personality” also suffer from “low self awareness”, and consequently end up becoming victims of “narcissistic abuse”.
Well, for some of us who met are partners as young teens you don’t know. Your partner becomes the person with the most influence over you.
Narcissists are experts at making you “SEEN” and then they rip it away from you slowly everyday until you go crazy.
The reason they see you is they’re going to prey on you.
@@yukio_saito Yes. They “see” in order to prey.
Oh my goodness. This is it exactly. 😮
Perfectly said
They fulfil ur deepest need because they have no sense of self and thats why they bend to your every need until they dont need u anymore then u become their plaything.
Just like hackers, they scan for your vulnerabilities to get into your system. Once they break in, they take control of you. 😨
Dr. Ramani must be a mind reader, because no one else has managed to capture and communicate why I’ve struggled with relationships in the past. Amazing!
What I came here to say
She is very smart, empathetic and knowledgeable. She also has personal experiences
She’s not a mind reader , she’s lived it . 😢❤
@@tictactoedias1908 Not everyone who has lived a particular experience can articulate it in a way that resonates with others. THAT is what I’m highlighting.
wow!
this is a lightbulb moment for me!
Empowering actually
Thank you so so much!
The yearning to be seen, appreciated & accepted as i am…
… the realization that I was never seen by this man (or others)
I have to let it go and realize that nobody in my life may ever see me
Have to accept that my life goal is not to be seen by somebody and that it’s OK that I see myself and that’s gotta be enough
At my age and turning 60 this year… I have to stop living my life trying to find someone that will see me …
for me, the deep reason was not having a strong sense of self-worth, not knowing how to cultivate happiness and being content from within, therefore constantly seeking it from others.
If we cultivate our inner self , spend more time alone and get to know yourself You need less and less validation from the outside and others.
YES!! This has been my understanding as well . I am no longer desperate for connection. I want quality connection with myself and others . ❤
I over valued connection with others and under valued connection to myself . I feel the best defense against this is to raise standards and self worth .
From my own experience and that of my friends, we are convinced we can take their abuse. We are hardened souls and we are proud of it. We don’t say anything as we gain weight, ruin our health, or convince ourselves we are better than everyone else because we can endure their abuse. We are also afraid that we will have no one to turn to if we leave.
Is that not true… There is no one Left after long Time.. 😢
@@ML-HS you get so isolated in these relationships. The narcissist does things to keep you isolated.
There’s the reason cult leaders are often narcissists – they make it hard to leave in the same way.
In my case, it’s not the fear of abandonment, it’s missing the person *I AM* when I’m with the narcissist. Because when I’m with her, I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be. Yes, that perfect image in the mirror is not my relationship with her, and of course it’s not her, but the real me that can only be *SEEN* that way.
@@Coolgirl1309 they are such great manipulators and require a lot of attention
Good one!😊
Yes, I get that. I felt like that as well. All stems from my back story of two selfish parents and no one else to turn to. Neither saw me as anything other than supply. Now 80, they still don’t know me or value who I am. It made me deeply vulnerable when I was younger. Even ended up in a d.v. relationship because at the beginning I felt seen and heard and could be MYSELF. After I left my dumb mother said “I could have handled them”! Yet another invalidation and happy to see me suffer abuse. Getting out was difficult, the biggest loss was loosing that dream of a true relationship ✌
When my narcisstic relationship went bad, my first thought was, they really didn’t know me at all. It shocked me. Narcissists are very good actors. Amongst other things. 😢
@@marieborchardt2910 it’s all about them and what they want. They’ll play the game till it doesn’t suit them anymore.
Same!!
me too.. when his mask totally dropped, my heart is broken, before we married, we’re both good friend
What made me feel “seen” by my Covert abuser, was that he made me feel like I am the answer to all his problems. Like I held the key to his contentment. I was not seen at all. But it made me fall for this particular trait. The idea that I could be the “good” in someone’s (otherwise hopeless and miserable) life.
No, you’re a people pleaser from your childhood. The narcissist made you feel validated and needed. That’s what you’ve always been searching for and the narcissist knows this, gives it to you, then takes it away to establish the trauma bond. It’s a horrible thing to go through and the best thing to do is look internally at what made you succeptable to their tactics. I had to do the same.
@@dewaldminnie9480 they are really good at reading people. They can figure things out in 5 minutes, that would take me a lifetime.
They play “now you see me, now you don’t”, over and over and over to keep you going until there’s nothing left. How despicable.
As a narcissist with 10 years therapy right now, I can tell you: it’s not intentional AND most other people’s behaviour also isn’t. this is not to exculpate me or anybody else, it’s to say: this is life, well it ISN’T – we all know that, but at the same time we have to cut everyone slack. trauma is trauma and your reaction is whatever you HAD to do to survive when you didn’t know better.
Maybe it’s clearer this way: I DIDN’T and i HIGHLY doubt ANY narcissist became a narcissist ON PURPOSE. When I started realizing what I did and what I missed… it was a LONG period of grief, believe me.
Oh god, that comment hurt more to write than I thought. Walk away, sure, but demonizing doesn’t help anyone.
Interesting. Wouldn’t it be though more accurate to say that’s it is demonic, due to the all encompassing nature and blindness of narcissism? And the scarcely seen partial recovery a sort of exorcism attempt? Not sure if it’s fully possible for narcissists to find meaning in selflessness.
So leave the 2nd time they do “now you don’t”. Don’t play their stupid games
@@oooodaxteroooo awwwww the abuser feels bad admitting the abuse they inflicted on others for YEARS….. nah mate… not gunna work. YOU are the perpetrator (by your own admission), not the victim. Jeez 🙄🙄🙄
@@oooodaxteroooowhether the abuse is intentional or due to negligence or apathy for others (ie self entitlement)… the perpetrator is still an abuser.
“But i didnt mean to abuse others daily, for years…. it was an accident” 😂😂😂
Nice try bro. It failed though
Spot on, Dr. Ramani! Again.😉 The love bombing phase is a trap to catch vulnerabilities. It feels so good to be seen, to be cherished, that we let our guard down. Once the narcissist knows all our weaknesses, they can manipulate us, devalue us and hurt us. We want to get back to being seen.
You are on point about their mimicry, they are extreme at copying, their stare and stalk are extremely creepy intrusive, they try so hard to create endless enmeshment for their endless desire to control anyone and everyone, eventually they fail, and a hell is waiting for them demon narcs.
@@AvaJulani it is creepy, over the top. You can lose who you are if you are not careful. They don’t have boundaries
Ironically, those with abandonment issues have to realize we abandon ourselves by continuing to tolerate the abuse.
Bravo! Perfectly said! 💯👌👏
Abandon the Abandonment.😅
Yesss….
Validation
Ever consider that the narc was just that good at circumventing and preventing every opportunity that you had to escape. Especially when you are the one who left everything behind to start a life with them a thousand miles away. But bravo! for joining the side of the Narcissist and ironically damning the victim. Beautifully said.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** 🙂 Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.