Ever felt like you can’t win in a narcissistic relationship? If you succeed, they minimize or mock you. If you struggle, they dismiss or criticize you. This video dives into the impossible dynamic of always being “too much” or “not enough” and how to break free from the trap of seeking validation from someone who never truly sees you.
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Your successes feel like threats to narcissists, because they feel like you’re outgrowing them or taking the spotlight away from them. Your struggles; because it means you need special care and attention… when they want everything to be all about themselves.
Yes to all of the above!!
Hard to wrap my brain around this fact especially when it’s my own parents & husband 1985 to 2006. Then all hell broke loose when I went off script.
How dare you surpass me, you are to remain small and dependent while I am a vampire in human form, you are my fuel centre so that I can refuel and shine again. I don’t want anyone to know.
@456inthemix 🎯
Very, very true!!! 👍
the narc doesnt want to lose power at any cost. they dont want to be outdone. they might want you to have just enough for them to benefit, but not enough for you to elevate and have various options, choices in life.
The coverts are just as bad as the overts. It took a while to realise this. You barely even start something new and they are warning you not to expect too much, or that it might not work out, or what will you even do with that qualification anyway?, and isn’t it better with the devil you know? They do this, of course, out of “concern”.
This is soooooo my mother. I had made some significant achievements in my career and my mom was downplaying them and making very unfounded claims about how other people must have just given me opportunities and I responded, “No, mom, I’m just a good nurse.” She laughed and said “don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.”
Sounds like my husband. Narcs have got to rain on every parade they encounter, and steal enthusiasm and hope always.
wow! does your NPD mom compare you to siblings? THat is their go to on everything I do. One goes so far as to sabotoge my husband’s job due to his jealously. Trackable sabatoge.
Let me pat you on the back and say, with all of my heart, THANK YOU for choosing to be a nurse and being a good one. Due to a LOT of medical issues in my family for the last 6 years, I remember the nurses more than the Drs. People like you have taken care of my loved ones, advocated for them, caught a life threatening condition and saved my husband’s life and held me when I was falling apart from the stress. Nurses are angels and I am so grateful for you 🙏🏻♥️
My Mothers the same. I showed her my Art work and she said, “Who did you copy that off?” Oh I thought, she thinks it’s good then!…lol
WOW ..thats so creul. Tempting to retort: don’t break your arm stroking your own ego mom jeeeez. She sounds jealous AF of you. 😢 I’m very sorry, I experienced the same from my family. 🙏 She should have been proud, a normal mother would’ve been happy to pat you on the back herself instead of downplaying and spitting shade. That’s so difficult. You are bot alone and I hope you celebrated your progress🎉
Half the population is trying to find love and the other half is trying to destroy it.
Only 1 % love themselves……it’s also the endgame
That’s exactly what it feels like.
that part.
It feels like half. They are few. Many are in between.
I agree it’s about 50%.
They are extremely jealous and envious even about their children
Yes. I think my mom was jealous of me.
And then my ex partner actually TOLD me he hated me for giving our children the love and nurturing he should have gotten and he resented them for getting it. That’s terrifying tbh
My father is jealous of my brother and my brother still doesn’t see my father as toxic person, constantly seeking his approval. He will ask a hundred times “my child is pretty, isn’t he?” and of course my father will remain silent as if it gave him satisfaction, this whining for confirmation. I don’t know what to do, my father is so ugly and my brother can’t see this, still stuck in the program that our father gave us. I feel sorry for him but at the same time I’m very mad, he is 36 for God’s sake, he is lawyer, how can’t he understand manipulation tactics. It’s like I’m hitting a wall. He wants to agree with everyone, of course…
@@itchysheets1222 In contrary he should be grateful, thankful that you give your children love and nurture. But unfortunately it’s pointless to expect these kind of nice, kind feelings from a narc😞
@@karolinanie5946 Did you talk about narcissism and advice to watch Dr.Ramani to your brother?
@@itchysheets1222I hope you’re ok and safe now ❤ It’s all scary, they are looking for a mother, not a partner, to hell with them, may you be healthy and happy ❤
I’ve noticed something about them at times, they’re keen to make connections, and often think that way. Thinking business is always about that, who you know, who you can use, people using each other, psychophantic to some, and yet they treat people beneath them quite badly. Easily jealous, as sense of rivalry in them, and willingness to walk over certain others.
Nothing you do will ever to be good enough for them, in any way shape or form. My narc couldn’t stand me being happy and would give me the silent treatment if things were going well for me in my life and when he could see I was genuinely happy.
At the same time, he would never acknowledge my successes but try to “one up”me in some weird way.
Also the more I tried to prove to him that I’m doing enough in my life, or for him to notice my successes the worse our relationship got. This also included me trying to prove that I’m enough for him/a good enough partner and somehow the more I tried… I was just the worst person ever according to him.
It is the most confusing thing ever. There is no winning or negotiating with these people
@nina8965, yes on point with your explanation!
As my art started to fill my life in a positive way, the narc ignored it. And the abuse worsened when he seen i was improving.
Forever grateful and thankful I am away and safe from the emotional neglect and narc abuse.
I hope you are safe as well.❤
Ohhhh I’ve been there! With respect to successes, it was relatively ok during Covid because no one was really going anywhere or doing anything, especially not me. I didn’t really make any achievements and or even really leave the house. But then when we went back to work, I started to do quite well and made some achievements and travel for work — but that’s when the walls really started to close in.
Wow. That last bit hit real hard. I am avoidant and I have wished to be a chameleon to get on by. Narcissists truly ruin people but especially children. It’s hard not to be so bitter about these relationships. It makes me hate my narc parent
In a narcissistic relationship, we are never good enough, no matter what we do or achieve.
worse than that-
They are personally threatened by your successes.
After the divorce years ago, I learned not only to not share about my major losses with my ex, but to hide all good news too. Dismissal or jealousy are his only two responses now.
Can’t win no matter what you do, being me and living my life regardless of them. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
If I was happy and successful, he ruined it. He was so jealous. If I made a mistake or things were difficult for me, he blamed me, belittled me. He Was the opposite of supportive.
Dr. Ramani. Sound check/ listener feedback. Your clarity is outstanding. The work you’ve done is enabling you to relate your stories and concepts beautifully. You’ve got me on the edge of my chair. I see so much work that must have done to get to this skill level.
My ex loved telling people that I was a teacher when it made him look important, but if people paid more attention to me in any way, such as asking me questions about public education or about their child’s homework, he would minimize my career & make fun of where I went to college: “you’re just a glorified babysitter” ,”Oh Who?They give degrees to football players who can’t even read”. When I ended up unable to teach due to his abuse, the put downs were endless, telling me what a loser I was for not even being able to do the “easiest job on the planet”. I felt as though he stole my identity for such a long time, but I know now that he’s the one without an identity. He’s only as good as the people he can exploit. I kicked him out & moved on years ago. My career or lack there of isn’t who I am. I am a survivor, an overcomer with strength & resilience he will never have!
❤
I moved out of my narcissist’s parents house at 17 and then married a narcissist. I have been low income since age 17. My family doesn’t like low income people. I didn’t get married and become a homeschool mom so my mother basically wrote me off . My family shames me for still being low income. I became disabled due to the narcissistic abuse. I am now planning to go back to school for Nursing. Every time I mentioned it to my family they didn’t even respond. My mother invalidates me every chance she gets about going back to school. With both my narc ex husbands they would try to tear me down when I tried to succeed. My parents get holding me back surfing highschool. My dad kept saying he had to “reel me back in”. I didn’t understand why he would say that, but they are a cult and they never wanted me to leave.
You were abused families that do this is sinister behavior in them
Honestly, I do think you should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. It is given for significant contributions for conflict resolutions and peace promotion!That would be justice!
Once again, Dr Ramani describes my lived experience down to a T. I can’t believe how long it took me to notice the grandiose ones putting me down and the coverts with their passive aggressive, abandonment coded digs. Thank you narcissistic family system. Thank you Dr Ramani!
If you are seen, then the abuse gets worse. I was always trying to be small to fit in. In a narcissistic family system, you will never feel safe or loved. I finally gave up. Find peace and safety with people who really love you.
“You can’t be too big, but you can’t be too small” I felt that. Thank you.
“They will talk over you or ignore you if you don’t show up with an accomplishment, they will minimize and mock you if you do” spot on!!!