Gaslighted by silence
Gaslighting isn’t always loud—sometimes the narcissist says nothing at all. That silence, that cold indifference when you're hurting, is one of the most insidious forms of gaslighting. You’re left doubting your reality, wondering if you’re being dramatic or ridiculous, all because no one acknowledged what happened. In narcissistic relationships, silence isn't neutral—it’s a denial of your experience, and it hurts just as much as the words.
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The narcissist will betray you and then act like nothing ever happened, or they will completely disappear, leaving you without an explanation. They make you think it’s all in your head or as though you read the situation wrong. This is gaslighting by silence. Let them be silent, you don’t have to. You can speak to someone who you trust and who understands you.
One example I suppose but sounds more like the narcissistic cycle than gaslighting
Yeah but when it’s REALLY pernicious is not when it’s *A* narcissist but the whole system around you I think that’s what she’s driving at here.
Yes. This is what is happening right now to us in America.
@@NarcSurvivor it was by seeking therapy that I began to break this abusive cycle, but it took me about 3 years of hard work to see it. That was in 1994 and today I’m still discovering things that need healing. Today, it is so much easier to heal those sore spots because they’re now so few and far between,
@@prismpyre7653 my parents raised me like this. I’ve never had anyone explain it like she just did. I couldn’t describe it well enough when I was in therapy. Now there’s a recognition of it, thanks to Dr R. There’s a bane for it and I can see it clearly and know it happened.
growing up with emotional abuse/neglect has caused me to walk and move in silence. I behave secretary and know how to keep certain things in my life under wraps. Speaking rather than solving things on my own caused more issues that I regretted later. very mind boggling 😢🥴
@@pinkmeadows I have very low tolerance for being around people anymore. I’ve retired from the world. I grew up like how you described. I think we owe it to ourselves to be trustworthy to ourselves. If I’m not up to people I don’t do people. Healing took a lot of energy and I’m tired!
💝💝💝💝💝💝
@@crwood439 Preach! We are trustworthy to ourselves and our ability to move forward but only relying on ourselves.
I totally get this. Its lonely but also feels/is safer ❤ I want to be in some kind of creative group/support group for people that have been through this – not sure how to start one as I dont feel safe reaching out 😅
Very validating to this adult child. Thank you for this. I’ve never heard this before. ❤
Oftentimes I find a DARVO connection with their silence. Anyone else? They’re busy thinking away about how to make themselves the victim.
Like the last ditch when DARVO doesn’t work? Yeah
I think that’s it the silent treatment when their strategy fails
OMG! Thank you
Yes, this happens a lot.
Yes. I think in my case, the person wants to hit the pause button on the conversation until they feel like they have the strategy to get ahead of me on the narrative. They’re not as verbally skilled as I am. They feel a bit out of control, or their shame button is pushed, so they sigh, do an eyeroll like, there you go with your 🤪 again, and will just stare in angry silence. As if what I’ve said is just so pure bs, it doesn’t merit a response. Then, later, they’ll come back and reopen the situation with a blitz attack that is very authoritative and intelligent sounding, on top of being demeaning, threatening, and demanding. Honestly I think they go off and consult a thesaurus. I hate it, because it’s not a good faith discussion. They NEVER intend to hear me, it’s pointless even trying. That’s why I went no contact. It is just not okay or remotely normal when trying to express your hurt feelings or neglected needs is just received as an invitation to further abuse.
This silent gaslighting definitely kicks of my anxiety
It puts me against the walls!
Thank you for the recognition and validation.
So weird when you ask them a legitimate question and they don’t respond. These people are WEIRD.
But not responding is a response.
It’s rude and a form of stonewalling. WEIRD.
Silence is complicity.
Need to ad a verb
👅👈
Let semantics explore the internal process
See what her mind does
Silence is not an answer. It’s literally not an answer.
You can’t take a “yes” from it and you can’t take a “no” from it.
Even saying the words “I’ll take your silence as a (yes or no)” doesn’t make it so.
I once came close to drowning on a family vacation. I was so frightened, when I got back to shore, I shared my experience with my family, and was met with stares and silence. I could only guess what they were thinking, but it felt like, “Oh, you’re just being melodramatic. You always need to be the center of attention.” With a touch of, “Too bad you made it back to shore.” My own husband said not a word. That was 20 years ago, and I can honestly say the experience of nearly drowning paled by comparison to the pain felt as a result of their silence. It felt like a death wish to me.
Sorry that happened to you. Did you ever talked with anyone of them about it?
@@01splitpea I’m sorry your family responded so inappropriately by not responding. When I was 12, I was touched inappropriately by a stranger while alone with him in an elevator. Once I escaped the elevator so ran to our hotel room and told my mother. Her response was “Get out of here! Im in the middle of something. You’re going to have to get used to it because you’re at the age when men notice you.” My legs were shaking so hard I could barely walk out of the room. I decided to take the stairs, but was terrified he was lurking there too. I confronted my mother many years later about her response and she claimed she didn’t remember that happened and asked if I was sure I didn’t dream it😵💫. What happened to you and to me was immense and frightening. We can self soothe and treat ourselves with respect and reverence because we survived it and we overcame it. ❤️
I almost drowned on a family vacation too. I was 14. My Father was a Malignant Narcissist and my mother was Traumatized Codependent.
I did not tell them about at that time, because I knew they wouldn’t respond well.
35 yrs later I told my mother. She was 😮. My Father had been long dead and she had gained back her “authentic self”(to a degree).
It’s so sad where children are left to rely upon themselves for comfort and protection😢 😢
Identical to my family’s behavior when I lost my home. Not one of them offered a hand. I owe no one money. Have never borrowed or asked. They just shrugged and told me I’d “figure it out”.
For a narcissist, “Silence is golden.” However, to the healthy partner or family member, silence is like a poison slowly destroying you. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Without it, there is eventually nothing left.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s all about openness and communication. I would just add that the “gaslighting by silence” of a narcissistic person/s is a world away from the experience of being in the company of a quiet person, who is just silent a lot of the time. A whole world away. I’m just making the point that communication is not about how “noisy” someone is. Anyway, narcissistic people are all about anti-communication. That’s why they dont add up. That’s why they hollow you out from the inside. Communication and manipulation are antithetical motives.
This is perfectly said. Thank you
My childhood friend was murdered in middle school. I remember our principal’s words, “Stop talking about it and go to class!” It felt so off to me. Today, students are offered grief counseling in these situations and I hope that continues.
Wow!!!!! That is beyond sad that a leader would have ever said that. Such a simplistic statement to get people to not honor their own pain. Ouch!!!!
@ruby-qv5bd not sure how old you are, but that was standard behavior when I was growing up in the 60’s. No one talked about ANYTHING!
Ah yes…the “good ole days”
When theirs investigation,everyone is advised to not speak of the incident or case,to not jeopardize anything to do with the incident being investigated to being to justice.
Thank you…..<3 The blind eyes and deaf ears killed me. It wasnt the trauma that hurt most....it was what happened after the horrific event that cemented my trauma.
It feels like narcissistic person is more valuable than u and your feelings do NOT matter at all
“A time comes when silence is betrayal.” – Dr MLK Jr. Silence is enabling.
Nothing hurt my soul more than my mother playing the silent game.
My siblings had no other choice but to side with her
if they didn’t want to feel her wrath.
This happen from childhood until I went no contact in my 40’s
A very important word was said to me that helps so much with dealing with silence. Someone said “You know that person is sick, don’t you?” I hadn’t heard this word used in this manner in relation to this person, SICK. They aren’t mentally well, they’re sick. So, so, so important to know that your gaslighting narcissist abuser truly is sick. Reminds us it’s not us, it’s their sickness.
Yes. I think it is very helpful to have that in mind, dealing with such unhealthy methods of “communication”
Brilliant as always. ‘ Toxic relationships don’t need to be noisy to hurt us “. You can explain colours to blind.
Amen to that. Silence is absolutely a horrific form of manipulation. I have found that behind a lot of the silent treatment is a lack of intelligence and therefore the use of few to no words to intimidate, manipulate and gaslight.
I’m liking this again. ✔️
This is one of your best. I grew up with a short tempered, emotionally unavailable father and of course chose men just like him. At 64, I met what I thought was a wonderful, calm man who made me finally feel safe. Little did I know, his calmness was really emotional unavailability, and once again I was in a toxic relationship. Finally at 69, I am much more aware and educated but it pretty much ruined the majority of my life. Not sure I have it in me anymore to have a relationship even though now I’d probably chose much better. 😢
I was ignored throughout my childhood. I never understood how to earn my mothers love, so I just gave up and accepted the silence. I felt so lonely as a child. I married at 25 and have 5 children. They are all I need! I moved halfway around the country from my mother. After ignoring many of her phone calls, I finally answered, and she told me off for not returning her calls. I told her that when she ignored me as a child, I had to accept it, so now that the rolls are reversed, Im no longer going to answer her calls and she will have to accept that. That was almost four years ago and I haven’t heard from her since. Finally, her silence feels peaceful.
Be brave ..you deserve peace
👁️Watch your back! Because they always try to find a way back into your life to destroy you. They will track down your kids or use your ex spouse to cause custody problems like my mother did. 😮😢. Mine even used my sister & cousin to try & literally ruin my life legally.
Imagine being silently gaslighted by your therapist. That’s traumatic!