The secret shame game every narcissist plays
The narcissist can’t hold their own shame—so they make you carry it. You feel like the problem, like you’re not enough, and somehow it all becomes your fault. That’s how the relationship “works”… until you start getting sick from the weight of it. This video breaks down how the narcissist’s shame becomes your burden—and why that’s not love, it’s subjugation.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Choose self. Work on self. Much Gratitude 🎉🎉🎉
They act superior, but deep down they’re drowning in shame so they project it onto you. 🔥
Well said
Yes. 📽
Yes, I think so too.
They are the most fragile people on the planet. That also makes them dangerous!
I couldn’t agree more
In other words, total acquiescence. It is a great strategy to do once you have decided to get out or leave – pretend to go along to get along. It buys you time. Be agreeable, don’t challenge any stupid demand or request. Just develop your exit plan, and get out safely. I call it a ‘beige rock’ strategy. Not grey rock (total non involvement), but to pretend to go along in order to get out as safely as you can.
The most safe strategy. I didn’t know. I thought when SHTF that they’d be decent, and that is so far from the truth. The truth is, the way we do anything, is the way we do everything.
My ex husband held me hostage with a gun, because he really thought that he could bully me into compliance. They believe that what they do doesn’t matter, as long as they get what they want in the moment. It was like he had no clue that he was digging his ditch deeper. I pleaded with him, it’s what he wanted. When I gave up on making it work, I started to have a chance at being safe.
Very wise. Worked for me. Pretend zero resistance. Don’t speak til spoken too. Have a detailed plan of exit they have no idea. You give yourself an invisible trophy for your academy award worthy acting ability, but the real reward when you break free is you never are a slave again and you can mute their contact on your phone and never be afraid to hear your phone notifications again. And imagine the relief when you no longer feel owned or controlled by the sociopath narcissist who has zero say in your life and decision making. And the most hurtful thing you can tell a narcissist is “you don’t matter”. But you never have to say that because the rest of your life will just show it.
And it’s not that you want to hurt the narcissist, because for your own healing you need them to not matter. The only thing they have done to you is harm you and now you are free and you took back your power and identity
@@observer2652 I had a psychopath, I did a similar strategy (but they are less predictable I think). Took me a good six months to get him out of MY house, but another two years of harassment (death threats, stalking etc) after that.
Here now of course. But ruined me financially, and also ongoing health issues from the attempted murders.
@@observer2652That means a lot. You don’t mean anything when you exit. So you basically stop the trauma bond
Sometimes all it takes is just…existing and being a mirror for all of what the other person can’t be…
Their shame is theirs. No absorbing it. 🚫
the only answer is walking away, running away, fleeing!!!!!!!!!!!
Them: “I’ve spent all this time and energy creating this facade. How dare you come along and shine a light on its phony-ness! I’ll get you!!”
“But the facade is so flimsy, pathetic, and quite pedestrian.”
Please don’t take on anything that doesn’t belong to you.
Their shame is theirs and theirs only. I am not owning any of their issues.
Healthiest thing to do is to walk away.
Best thing I did for myself in my different narcissistic relationships.
Never looked back… ❤
I was using the term ‘coded language’ long before I learnt about narcissism, to describe what my dad would do to shame me infront of people, including my friends and partners who came to my family home. It would start off with my dad saying something about me, like ‘don’t take this the wrong way, she’s a lovely girl, but she’ll take all your money off you, wahaha’. After a pause he’d say ‘she knows I’m just kidding’. They’d laugh and tell me after what a funny dad I’ve got. What was really happening in those comments was referencing all the superficial things they’d done for me over the years, like pocket money when I was a kid, then repeatedly reminding me of it thousands of times over. That caused me to feel shame, guilt and obligation. As an adult it caused me to think it was wrong to ask for help, like help carrying bags of shopping home when I was heavily pregnant.
A patriarchal system is a narcissistic system – seems impossible to escape when it is held up as the “law of the land”, especially when it’s a parent 😟
I disagree with the patriarchal narrative simply because I was raised by a family of women that destroyed any man that didn’t bow to their authority. The men they kept around were required to be responsible for all the other women in the family. All the “good” men were victims of a patriarchal narrative and smear campaign until they retreated completely, leaving many of us kids brainwashed until adulthood.
Narcs hate feedback. It’s the bane of their existence.
They only want adoration and admiration.
@dk5755 That’s not even entirly accurate. They want that, plus never ending sympathy and empathy despite anything wrong they’ve done.
@ oh yes, that’s more accurate. 👍🏻 In addition, no accountability whatsoever.
Every video I watch of Dr R’s shows me a new element of what I have been experiencing most of my life. Here’s another one!
Same here! So many realizations and aha moments when I watch every video. So validating. 😌
@dk5755 Exactly!
I’m struggling to cope with the end of my five-year relationship. Despite my best efforts, I haven’t been able to win him back, and the pain of his absence is overwhelming.
It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn’t just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Father Obah Eze has also helped my co workers and close friends and even family members get their ex back.
Thank you for sharing this valuable insight. I just looked him up, and I’m genuinely impressed.
The undue shame we carry is far too heavy, causing us to suffer more. Our spines crumble beneath the weight of this burden.
Another AHA moment for me here. You just described every exchange I ever had with my ex that resulted in me receiving the silent treatment. If ever there was any doubt in my mind as to who was the problem, you have helped me to see clearly. I don’t want to continue carrying around this guilt and shame that it was me anymore. Thank you.
I remember clearly the day I was at former in-law’s gathering. They asked a question, put me on the spot, Totally knowing what my answer would be. This time, I didn’t take the baite. I stated the truth, and Boy oh boy, did they release the arsenal of vengeance on me. But you know what? it was worth all of it! If nothing else, just to see what would happen .😂
Totally makes sense and 💯 what I needed to hear right now. Not taking on anyone else’s crap. I am worthy and valuable. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Yes and don’t let them talk you into believing you should feel guilt when it is their guilt. If we were guilty we would feel it and not have to be told to feel guilty
So Brilliant. “Taking on another person’s shame is not love; it’s subjugation.” Thank you so much for these deeper explanations and examples of the nuances of this dangerous shame game. Knowledge really is power.
I have been the target of another’s shame in many arguments. My reply “I will not take on the shame that belongs to you. You will not blame me for the bad choices you made. I own my flaws and faults, not yours.”
The key is to always know that the narcissist cares only about themselves. Don’t place yourself in their game EVER, because you’ll always lose. The shame game, the rage game, the flirt game, the ‘I am so wonderful’ game. Instead play cards or ‘Monopoly’ they are much safer and you may even win sometimes.