How do you tell if they are TOXIC but not narcissistic?
Not all unhealthy relationships are with narcissists. Some people are just rough around the edges, emotionally reactive, or struggle with conflict—but that doesn’t mean you're in a narcissistic dynamic. This video dives into that murky middle: when it's not healthy, but it's also not narcissism. It’s time to stop forcing everything into the “narcissist” box and start getting clear on what’s really going on.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
It was my parent’s performative empathy that had me so confused, disoriented, and gaslighted for decades. He played evil mind games and I thought he was good. For decades I couldn’t see the truth. There was so much coercive control…
What is performative empathy?
@@velik374 It’s a concept Dr Ramani describes well in other videos. It would be best answered at that source…but I can try…it’s kind of a strategy involving shows of empathy that aren’t genuine, generally used in the presence of others to gaslight them (or us) into believing the narcissist is someone they’re not. My parent is a malignant narcissist so I might have it a little confused with coercive control. He had me believing he was the most empathetic, loving, and good person while he abused me after my mom divorced him. He needed a caretaker too and used it as part of his coercion strategy. He even kept me home from school, apart from my siblings to have hours long discussions with me about how I was to perceive my experiences at home with my mom and step dad, demonizing them and weaponizing me. I was under the age of 8 when that began. He was the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. I thought my home was with him. He ended up poisoning me while I took care of him when I moved back into his home at 38.
@@velik374 basically it’s fake empathy, acting in front of people they want to impress, charm, or persuade so that they seem to be empaths, but dropping the act when it no longer serves them to look like the “good guy”. This can also be public acts of charity or service, so that the performer can get a reputation for being good; but in private or amongst family, they don’t actually care.
Dr. Ramani learning from you always soothes my heart. Thank you so much ♥️
You can’t! Stay away from either one, once you see the tip of the Iceberg.
When you are actually in a relationship with a narcissist, you know it. If they have the capacity to give a single genuine apology, without extra conditionals (if that’s what I said then I’m sorry),without justification, without closing the conversation with a dig, they aren’t a narc.
I’m with a 100% strait up covert narc wife and she lives in anti-shame mode, but weaponizes using it on me and the kids without remorse. All the way down to subtle chuckles at them when they don’t know how to do something.
Unfortunately narcs have ruined it for everyone. I simply don’t have the bandwidth nor desire to figure people out anymore. I just want a cooperative & non manipulative coworker, neighbor, etc. First sign of toxicity and I’m out.
The older you get, the less time and tolerance you have for any of it.
Yep I understand that.
@@parkamarkI understand that too.
Neither do I. I just steer clear regardless, better safe than sorry
First sign of toxicity or lack of empathy and I’m OUTTA THERE !!!!!!!!!!! Not coming back either !!!!!!
It’s tough because a lot of what you described especially at the beginning mirrors a lot of the narcissistic relationships that I’ve had. We are the apology can come and behavior continues and it’s all so subtle and sometimes seemingly mild especially to outside observers. But if you’re with them long enough you know the relationship is one-sided and sometimes punitive and there’s no genuine remorse or consideration for anybody other than themselves., but they can apologize and say that they’re going to change or that they’re going to start considering you or that something that they said or did was harmful to you supposedly matters to them. But the apology is either generic or weak, and the follow through doesn’t exist, and it’s as if they were just acknowledging what they expected you wanted to hear in order to pacify you and get themselves off of any potential hooks potential hooks.
Off topic here but I can’t help but think of that little girl who was different and who wanted to be invisible and the purple sequinned dress….Dr Ramani you guide us on our journey with an abundance of pain and suffering in your personal and cultural history. The pain that you lived with and continue to live with. You are gracious, kind, caring and loving. I get it because I was in a 10 year entanglement with a grandiose/malignant narcissist. Three years later still picking up the pieces of my shattered life.
It warms me and soothes me knowing that I like many others have a guide. It’s you and your abundant gifts.
Much love
Patrick S
Oh … That was lovely of you to say.. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Beautiful post.
So Brilliant. It’s not about are they or aren’t they narcissistic. It’s about spectrums and continuums. Thank you for the ongoing definitions and examples of what healthy behavior looks like. We really are learning a whole new language.
I don’t want to waste my time on toxic people either. Dealt with it too many years to waste time on them now. I want my peace at my age & when that peace is messed with, they are outta my life
Man oh man this hits exactly what I’ve been questioning myself. Thank you so much! ❤
Happy Easter! 🐇
It’s all so exhausting. The meanness that comes out in them. The notion that your every waking hour should be dedicated to them, unless, of course, they are in a phase of not wanting you around. Phases of heartbrrak then attention/bliss. It’s so excruciating.
When you’ve been in a relationship with one, you’ll know it as long as you’re aware of narcissism; if you don’t know what narcissism is, it’s a long grueling ride until you finally break and start to try and research what the heck is going on.
In my experience, the big distinction between the narcissist and the non-narcissistic difficult person is whether they have the ability to apologize and see that they have a responsibility for the conflict. The apology may not come right away and it may take someone reminding them, but in the non-narcissist it can come and be sincere (this last point is very important, since narcissists often issue insincere “apologies”).
Also, narcissists love to say “you” when there is a conflict. Non-narcissists are capable of talking about how they feel, even if this is messed up.
All that said, I agree with the other poster here: I no longer have the emotional energy to deal with people who are too difficult. I’m trying to heal my own wounds, not save the world.
Some narcs apologize though.
True, but usually that apology is not genuine, but just a way to appease the partner and manipulate them into staying or for other self serving motives. A true narcissist will never apologize out of sincerity, but instead for a self-serving purpose to manipulate.
My experiences are: No one of the toxic behaviored people ever did an apology, Nor anything Like learning. They still behave like ever. They simply Change Friends If there is a Corporation and learning request. ITS more Like “I am right and U are wrong and the Bad guy, causing me such Feelings” To BE sayed: Those people are bipolar, borderliners, narcs, and people WHO feel “in the Edge” and have No save self within. So they saw anything and anyone outside as their “enemies” cause their View of world, odd Mind and extreme emotions, they cant handle those.
Been struggling with a few toxic relationships myself, wondering if they are narcissistic. Thank you for the reminder that it isn’t important to define it or put it in a box, but rather, respond in a way that protects ourselves regardless.
And so how do you do that?
@ceterisparibus8966 I deal with both. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, most definitely including boundaries around what
I do. Proactive and responsive, not reactive. As much as I can, anyway. If someone pushes too many of my buttons, I’m going to do some serious thinking about why.
Then observe what kind of response I get to the boundaries. Respect? No problem. Do I have to enforce? If I get at least semi-respectful responses to enforcement, fine. Constant violations, especially if they’re deliberate or passive-aggressive? Anger, hostility, accusations? Whining, martyrdom, or complaining to others? Handle at a long arm’s length, and throwing the offender out of my life is an option.
The ones who are high in narcissistic tendencies are usually a lot closer to being tossed, but that’s because they’re more likely to do things on a checklist of no-noes. They’re also more likely to do things that are out-and-out unacceptable.
They’re welcome to go to a psychologist for a formal evaluation, but I handle them based on what they do.
I walked away from any toxic relationship, family and non family folks. Difference degrees of narcissistic behaviors. Narcissistic or not… toxic is toxic.
My boundaries are set and won’t tolerate any toxic behavior going forward. ❤
Walked away… and never looked back. ❤
Dr, please make more videos on the this subject. I would really like to get to know more about people who are toxic in general.
Thank you for the gifts of clarity and validation today! I spent the last four years looking at my life and other’s from many perspectives. I was back and forth exploring feelings, emotions, thoughts with a lot of grief intertwined. Loving myself when my toxicity shows up is a challenge. I have acquired skills to work it out if possible. Self love and compassion plays a part. It’s not easy, because I want others, who know me, to realize what I know about me now. It doesn’t always happen. The reactive abuse I carried when in a narcicisstic relationship, carries an imprint in others. I learned I was not a narcissist, but a victim and now a survivor. We must remember to not confuse being toxic with being human. One step at a time.
I have had around me several examples of toxic peaple and narc peaple, and the difference between them is quite clear.
I have PTSD and depression. I grew up with two narcissistic parents and I identified myself with all these toxic traits. I feel really bad but this is something I need to work on.❤
You can, it just knowing how. I found learning about The Window of Tolerance really helpful as it explains why we get dysregulated and ways that work for you, so it more individually tailored,to help regulate your emotions. There loads different things online incase you cannot afford to pay.
I don’t think I wanna be in a relationship with someone who is non-narcissistic but toxic. Narcissistic or not, toxic is toxic.
I am in the spectrum was with a narcissist and I think my kids think I am the toxic one because of my meltdowns and trauma response. With the narcissist telling the kids that I am hypochondriac they don’t want to look into my autistic traits . Added to the confusion, my second child is also in the spectrum and it is utter chaos when it comes to communication, comprehension and conflicts !