How to help when you can’t rescue them from the narcissist
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Thank you Doctor for this. As a support for a friend stuck in a relationship with a narcissistic partner this is very helpful.
We can’t help the victim unless they themselves want to be rescued. Later they may blame us.
She may actually put you in danger. Words like “I should have left you when Sarah asked me to” will be her way of carrying out her malicious, sadistic envy on you if she is a Covert Narc. The husband will now see you as the problem in his marriage.
Later they blame me of being the narcissist I feel really sad cause I couldn’t help them and I was really drain not only from the narcissistic games but from the victim who utterly resisted to see the reality of what had to be done. I couldn’t figure it out and ran out of energy to keep on going but more importantly I was told to step aside 😢.
Got that right.
I lost my best friend of 17 years a month ago. I tried as hard as I could to be supportive, she became fully aware of who she married but she stayed. Just hearing the way he treated her stressed me out so much I ended up in the er. I couldn’t do it anymore. I sent her a message stating that I still cared about her but this stress is killing me and I think we need to take a break. She understood.
I am In a narsissitic relationship, touhg I don’t know Who this is, if not my ex, Who was married when I met him. Or Sister? Or someone at the authority… But the dance is neverending. Abuse, false promises, Abuse, humiliation, and so on. I Lost my Best friend now. I have Lost allmost all People around me. I have Lost Jobs and a lot of money. I hope this ends, and I claim my freedom, money and health back. And I thank god and all People Who has tried To help me. 🙏
cannot help someone that does not want to help themselves… period
Is that the same as pull yourself up from your own bootstraps?
@@bluetinsel7099 No, that’s not the same but it also has to do with the context and tone u say/mean when u say/asked that. Basically u have to eventually come to the realization that when ur in such toxic relationships, you can only do so much, aka “lead them to water but can’t make them drink.”
A toxic person u wish would try to put effort in to making change or being open and hearing you and compromise to make for instance a marriage or relationship work, however when u know you have done all u know to do, tried for some amount of time period, and yet it’s the same behavior day in and day out that’s not healthy for you/toxic really, then it is saying or come to the point, “ however much it may hurt, you mentally and emotionally need to be strong enough to take a stand- nicely and walk away from the relationship/situation/ marriage etc. You can only do so much. So it’s not necessarily pulling yourself up by your bootstraps so to speak as it is, having the strength, realization, confidence and courage to say, “ this isn’t okay and I deserve better treatment, a better life or whatever, and u know it’s not likely to change by staying, in fact, all that will happen is u constantly get beat down verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc and whether you have experienced this or not, I have, and it absolutely takes a toll on you in every way. Chemical changes in the brain can happen even, when ur around that type of narcissist or any abusive behavior. Decide u will do what is Good and Healthy for you, because u have tried already and done all u can where ur at.
Do what is best for you and yes it will hurt for a while, but not as long as it will if u stay with someone who repeatedly breaks you down as this person u replied to had been through. Hope I helped show a different perspective on the matter. And if u are ever in a situation such as a toxic relationship, I hope u remember my words. Abuse is not okay in any form. All u can or any person can do is their best, and as for the rest, give it to God. He is the only one that can take care of the things we have no control over.
Example of doing our best & giving the rest to God. My daughter was out of a job and anxiety ridden, I told her”you do ur best- go out every single day, all day long and put out resumes to any and all places. (That is/ was her doing her best in that situation, u don’t just sit waiting for a job to land in ur lap.) and so she did that for about a week, til she got a callback from a place. Point being, there are certain things or certain parts we are supposed to do and then whatever is not in our control, that is what we let God handle because only He can. All u can do is ur best in any given moment/or situation etc. Now it also takes away the or helps take away (given the situation) the stress of many situations. For example my daughter knew she had done all she could do each day, and in doing so she could go to her home and rest well with confidence she had done all that she could. Knowing that takes quite a load off anyone’s shoulders because they aren’t wrestling with worry or anxiety / or at least if it does creep into their thoughts, they know that they can shut those negative thoughts down quickly because they know they’ve done all they could for that time/ day etc.
Another way to see it is, U HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU BEFORE U CAN HELP OR LOVE ANYONE ELSE. U are the only one who will take care of you 100% & make yourself a top priority! Don’t put your happiness in someone else’s hands. Sorry for the book I’ve written here. Hope u can understand it, I’m sure I skipped from one topic to another, but it’s all good advice and u can always message back for clarity- promise no more books, lol. I’ve learned so much through my experiences of traumas that any chance I get I love to help and sometimes I can be overwhelming….😊
AMEN, AND AMEN!!! “COMPASSION KEEPS US STUCK”!!! THANKS – RAMANI HELPED ME CHANGE MY LIFE STORY. Brilliant article.
Four Year listener.
Ramani’s hand language is nothing but honest.
For me, it’s been about women friends trapped in narcissistic relationships that seem to be so loving because the male partner “takes care” of his victim and the woman (victim) can’t leave because he’s covertly threatening her with large and small acts of rage, and even physical violence to keep her, literally “in her place.” I have been confided in and asked for help from women trapped by narcissistic relationships, then turned away, rejected, told that I’m “meddling” when I had been asked for help by them! They let me peek inside their dysfunctional partnership, sit weeping in my house, begging me to help them find a way out and when I try to help they turn on me with rage, like caged animals who have gotten used to living that way. I become the “enemy” for wanting to save them. So – I’ve given up. I “support” them with smiles and hugs in front of their jailers as if there’s nothing going on when I can clearly see that there is. 😢
this is my sister and when her son left due to the narcissist threatening her and abusing and manipulating , she assulted ME . not worth it, i should have excused myself and not attended the xmas where she did that . stay safe people
My whole dad’s side of the family has blind loyalty to him. When I stop talking to him, I have to stop talking to all of them. I can’t stand having to hear them defend his awful behavior.
As a mother, I try my hardest to keep my teen children away from there narc father, trying to be fair and working with a person on top of biting my tongue damn near off to keep the peace is stressful. He gets off on causing pain on others and I won’t allow him to hurt us anymore
You can take a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. 😢
Just offering is enough. I know I am so grateful for those that offered support and help when I was finally ready to escape. They made me think it was possible. Before that, I felt completely trapped/stuck.
I didn’t go to my family Easter dinner for the first time in my life because I didn’t have the energy to deal with the drama or the narcissists. I felt bad but grateful I took some space for me. However I don’t want to loose holiday time with my family because of the narcs, so hoping I can figure out work arounds. Sadly the narcs get away with whatever awful behaviour they want and people enable them and scapegoat me, so I find it pretty hard to be around 😢
Same, no Easter dinner for first time too
Do not dwell on the sadness and loss. Create a new tradition by celebrating Easter with loved ones or friends NOT associated with the narcissists. Celebrate you and the new found freedom you will experience.
@trainingspeaking thank you, I just stayed home with dog, working on healthy connections all around
Free will. Such a beautiful and dangerous gift.
Cannot give someone insight. Wow. So true.
Wow, what an important point. It’s about choosing what is managable among difficult choices and not trying to force an ideal life that doesn’t exist.
Sadly, it is almost guaranteed that the loving, enabling parent will become very ill then pass away first. A narcissist practically ushers their partner to the grave. 😢 💔
Nope. Not going back. Not my problem. We have to want to save oursleves. That means everyone. If they hit my wall, then they’re the ones who ran into it. We all have our journey. These are the choices we make.
I sent a no contact email to my enabling mother calling out the narcissistic abuse of my father and telling her that I no longer wanted any connection with the family because it was affecting my health. Her response to the email was “Sorry to hear that – have a good life!”. No regrets for walking away.
When i finally figured the dark sides ( manipulation, pathological lying, cheating…) of my boyfriend, his ex tried to teach me about narsicism and get him completely out of my life. But i wasn’t ready for that at the moment. She gave me a few hints about narcism and she removed herself from the situation. Now, i am 6 months no contact with that narcissist. And i am forever greatful for his ex for giving me the resources. I am not in touch with her anymore, but she saved my life.❤
Very true! I lost a friend because I tried to help. No drama…friendship just faded out until it didn’t exist. Then years later, this friend was involved in a charity fundraiser event and wrote up a bio and just praised her husband (the narc). I just shook my head and realized it’s a lost cause. I should have kept my mouth shut and just listened.
After my father died in 2017, my mother developed a romantic relationship with a man who’d been a family friend for decades, whose wife had also died. We knew he was quirky, but when she got to know him in an intimate way, I immediately recognized that he was a vulnerable narcissist very much like my ex husband. Because I had experience with an almost identical situation, I tried to warn my mother – who is also my best friend on earth – but she had to figure it out on her own. She stayed until he died 4 years later, but until she was free of him, I felt as though I’d been abandoned, like I’d lost my mommy (the gut level kid in me) as well as my best friend (the middle aged woman I am). She began watching this channel afterwards, and we now openly discuss narcissism and how it has harmed us.
Great video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much and can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but I couldn’t just let her go. I did all I could to get her back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me get her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach one?
Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked her up online with her name, impressive