Are You Being a Goldfish in a Toxic Relationship?
You’ve probably heard the advice to “be a goldfish” and just forget what happened—but in a toxic or narcissistic relationship, that can be dangerous. In this video, Dr. Ramani explains why constantly forgiving, forgetting, or starting fresh isn’t the same as healing—it’s often a form of betrayal blindness. You’ll learn how this “just move on” mindset keeps you stuck in harmful cycles and what it really means to remember patterns without getting trapped in rumination. Forgetting might feel peaceful—but awareness is what sets you free.
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
VISIT MY WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES AND HOTLINES
LISTEN TO MY PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts:
Spotify:
Stitcher:
iHeart Radio:
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
When you lose your self esteem gradually as well as forming trauma bond which could develop into what is similar to Stockholm syndrome to the point they dump you and you still beg them to come back and fix things. Until you retrieve yourself and realize and understand what was going on, your life is living hell…
This happened to me, except for the final time she threatened to walk away and I didn’t stop her. Now I’m at peace.
Goldfish in a toxic relationship yes but long time ago with a horrible malignant narcissist
Raised in a narcissistic environment I learned to goldfish. Later by being a goldfish I made the worst decision of my life! Crow makes lots of noise and an elephant is very noticeable! I’m going to throw the baby out with the bath water when it comes to narcissism .. To much manipulation and lying ! Out the window!!
Looking back, I almost feel sad for the version of me who thought his mixed signals were some deep, mysterious love language. I would overthink every tiny thing he did, trying to decode meaning that simply wasn’t there. I was addicted to the possibility of him, not the reality. Then one night I stumbled on The Obedient Boy Protocol, and it honestly felt illegal to read. The way it explains emotional leverage… I had chills. I applied one of the distance techniques…just one…and suddenly he was the one sending long late-night confessions, asking what he did wrong, asking if someone else has my attention. It’s crazy how fast men show up when you stop waiting for them to do it
I call my forgetting, compartmentalizing, putting it in a box, shoving it onto a closet shelf..
Corvids are my spirit birds, especially ravens, but crows are good too.
“The body keeps score” even if we are gold-fishing for survival.
I couldn’t agree more with Dr. R’s message here. I loved this show, as well as “Father Knows Best”, as a kid. It was a chance to step into a magical world where everything resolved in peace. It didn’t, and that’s why so many of us find ourselves here listening and learning how to cope.
Guilty of being a goldfish, UNTIL I felt all of the behaviors of my narc at once. The history overwhelmed me. First I grey rocked, then full no contact. No responding to gifts, phone calls or letters or texts. I still mourn the fantasy friendship I pretended was there, but I have successfully unblocked some of my self esteem issues and am on the road to a better ME. 66 yo female, married 40 years, disabled child at home. Goldfish is a tool for the moment, not forever. Be good you!
Being a goldfish, aka turning the blind eye to the repetitive problem, doesn’t eliminate the problem itself. It’s a band aid that will not stop the hemorrhage. You will still process what happened, just at later time.
Narcissist loves to be “the goldfish” too btw.
People like my mom love to start problems, gossip and drama but when it gets too dirty(out of control) she go victim, gaslight or…”goldfish” mode.
Just now..Just now..she and I had another drama. My mom need constant attention and validation btw. This week hardy anybody called her and when or if she calls her people HER PEOPLE don’t really want to talk to her because they have their own source of attention, they busy or they just don’t want to chat. Where I live every Friday is when the local community do these gatherings for seniors, ethic groups or whatever. My mom will go to these places to seek out attention and be with HER PEOPLE. Mom know that today is the day I pick up my car from the shop. You see I also have a big brother who’s autistic and must have a capable adult 24/7 around him. Mom know that today is the day I pick up my car but all the sudden mom want to go the the gathering. I told her that I pick up my car around noon but i don’t know when the shop will call. If she goes who will stay home and watch my brother? Mom’s brilliant idea is that she will call one of her friends to pick her up, if she doesn’t come back in time, when it’s time to pick up my car, my little brother and I can just leave my autistic big brother in the house. So I got piss off, try to explain why her logic doesn’t work we can get in trouble and what’s more important? His safety or gossiping?..Of course..she…disconnect and just…”walk away”.
I let off some steam…waited 10mins and talked to her again. She went “goldfish”….”What did I do to piss you off so much?”. When I brought up the issue again and said about how she told us to leave my autistic big brother in the house. She then gaslight saying that..she said..If we have to go pick up the car today. She will stay home and not go to her place.
So..mom is so desperate for attention and it overrides all logic.
@SCH292the problem is that the narcissist can go goldfish with no problem, but somehow we can’t. It’s just not in our nature. They would like for us to be goldfish and forget their behavior, but we can’t. It is very frustrating.
Brilliant analogy, explanations, and examples. You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani.
I can relate to wanting others to heal. I can admit that being around others who have a tendency to say “get over it”, I have said this myself, thinking even that I could get over it. The other saying that was ingrained into me was the “you are in a victim mindset”. Now I think that this saying has prevented me to grieve and to feel what I didn’t give myself permission to feel.
I honestly don’t know how someone does that. The narcissists in my life wanted me to just forget it. That was my problem. I could not just pretend it didn’t happen and move on.
Love this reflection. It’s really healing to hear you talk from
A place of wisdom, empathy and practicality. It helps other survivors of mental and emotional abuse to reason and cope. Thanks for your help and I’m wishing you continued success, health, love, protection and alllll the good things in life♥️
If only. I could’ve jumped out onto the carpet and ended things so much sooner.
You learn a new thing every day. I thought it meant not getting stuck in the the pain, blame and hatred and moving forward into healing, without necessarily maintaining any unhealthy connections. 🥴
“The more painful the memory, the longer we hold onto it.” Yes indeed.
❤ well said I’m so glad that you have chosen to discussed this!
😊 Thanks for being there for us, Dr. Ramani. Yes, there are people who expect us to be a goldfish and pretend nothing happened, but thanks to you, I am now indifferent to all those people around my narcissistic father. I prefer to be an elephant as well.
… good afternoon, DR R… CLARITY-is such a goooood thing, and I am GRATEFUL!!… Cherish the rest of Your Day!!… peace on☕😊🎸🎙️🎧🙏💜🇺🇸⚓✌️