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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I was the child that held multiple roles. Depending on the mood and feelings they held about me at the time no matter the role they had to have it their way. I got older and start developing. Then I saw the mess and the nitpicking began. I was and felt like a tool to manage their lives.
Me. It really has destroyed my life.
I’m glad no other child suffered my parents, but all my life I have wished that I could talk to someone who really knew about them.
Sometimes your siblings are in different stages of denial and or the favorite at the time and there is no talking to anyone as you are mostly strangulated from one another, even from other distant relatives. It was my children, some of them who were able to share with me and they could see what had occurred before I did. My heart goes out to you, to all of us. The pain, the loss of time and development of what we could have been, even when we overcome challenges to produce a good life. I always think of what I could have done or been as I cannot get back the years of time to catch up with others. Holidays are coming up, this is going to be hard. Peace to you.
@@summercreekway did you mean to write “mostly estranged from one another”? I like how you use the term “strangulated” here.
They would know something completely different because of the roles.
Same!
I’m an only child of a covert-narcissistic single mother. I know what I’ve been trough but I’m truly thankful for it, I’m a poet for 20 years. I think kids that are only child of a narcissistic parents have no choice but find creativity within and escape.
Hey so do you hav kids of ur own now? Howz the experience?
@@vyaptimehra nope, not yet. I’m 33 and I’m not married, not saying this as a bad thing, it just never was my priority. Time to think about it though.
I still live with my mother because she needs help, I cannot just walk away, she is 83. Yeah, she is 50 years older, I’m adopted.
I’m fully aware that she does not even love me and that she fakes everything, but it does not really affect me anymore. I just decided to stay with her as part of my responsibility, I would hate my guts if I just walk away and leave this woman alone. She’s the most helpless thing ever, as you probably know.
I also became a poet by age 12 & went on to teach English @ the college level but my depression never lifted
@@caroleminke6116 nice to hear that (that you became a poet, not the depression), I started at 13. I guess we’re all different, I had periods of heavy depression, but when I look back I think the poetry is actually the one thing that saved me from going too deep. I actually have a song called “ONLY CHILD” which will be released when I’m done with all of this.
I really hope you’ll get better. If I speak for myself, I can say that even though this life would be a living hell for 90% of the people, I am not depressed and I actually became thankful for all of this sht. It made me a man that can look into the eye of everything and face it on my own. So yeah, everything has a flip-side, and I often try to look at the potential positive of all the negative things. And there’s a lot of potential positives. Cheers, keep you head up
I had only narc. mom. No father, no grandparents.
When I was 43, I was diagnosed with cancer, my mom had no empathy. She said to me:” Look, you cant die before me.”
It was threat. Since then I am no contact, I do not miss her at all.
OMG…same experience. But mine told me, I thought you’re strong enough to handle it. After she distanced herself from me. So good for me. No contact and I don’t have to deal with her at all in her old age.
I am an only child. I am now 50. I grew up mostly in a single parent household. I have always been a caregiver, even as a kid. My mom acts like I owe her something just for having me. Even though, she is 75 with health issues, she still acts entitled. I didn’t realize until a few years ago that I have been in romantic relationships that strongly parallel my relationship with her. I am recovering and trying to get on with my life after separating from a malignant narcissist which helped me learn of my mom’s narcissism. It is hard.
Only child of two narcissistic divorced parents who remarried narcissistic partners, and yet my childhood taking care of them is still my reality at 56.
My dad took his own life (on Christmas Eve) 12 years ago after his wife left him and moved out. I was the one who got that phone call and sat next to him alone all night in the hospital. She took the entire estate and bought a house for her son from her first marriage, leaving nothing for my only child, then 7 (and my dad’s universe) or me. Now I’m dealing with my mom in memory care while her husband (the stepdad who she married after I was an adult, having spent my childhood taking care of her) gave POA to his daughter, who isn’t local. So, guess who is taking care of her — by way of an even more complicated scenario?
As I type this, I’m terrified of the “self victimized” critique, which is the badge of shame and weakness I feel like I wear on my back if I dare to share any of it. A highly emotionally abusive relationship with a malignant Narcissist landed me in the care of an amazing therapist 17 years ago (since not doing private practice) who introduced me to NPD before anyone talked about it. She saved my life. And reminded me with persistence, “no, it’s not you.” #greatminds 🙂
Still, and with many, many years of her brilliant support and my own intense self analysis work, I find it near impossible to break the pattern of narcissistic intimate partners.
I’m so grateful for your work, Dr, Ramani. ❤
It’s really terrible for a person who is an only child born to narcissistic parents. A true nightmare. Thank you for discussing it. ♥
Dr. Ramani is always on the money. Only child of two narc parents who do and say basically everything textbook regarding guilt and manipulation. I was useful for optics until I became pre teen and I was discarded to do my own parenting. Suffered physical, mental, and financial abuse. Parents circled back to try and get money off me once I was an adult. Went NC with father and now dealing with remaining nmom as grayrock. I refuse to be guilted or bullied any longer.
as an only child of a narcissistic parent my main worry is her aging. She has chose not to work for more than half my life. She just takes money from the government and those around her feel pity and give her money in birthday cards, holiday etc. She constantly just uses those around her to get things and never works for them. She has no retirement plan and randomly she will say to me you better not put me in a home when im older. Why is it my responsibilty to figure out her future. Putting her in a home would cost HELLA money in the first place and she sure as heck aint living with me. I feel this stress of the future everyday its so stupid. I literally hate her but feel pity to not text her back.
My mom was in the hospital and she told me she was living for me. That fits well somehow. It was more of the same narcissistic need.
Only daughter. Spent my life trying to placate my narcissistic father and protect and cheer my depressive mother. I grew up with no sense of self, no sense of agency, and no idea of what I actually liked or wanted. I was the perfect child, straight-A student, never rebellious or even disrespectful, always prioritizing my parents’ emotional (and functional, and financial) needs. And, of course, always judged and valued solely on the basis of my most recent service to the narcissist. No achievement, no level of subservience was ever enough. At the end of their lives, my mother developed dementia and my father convinced her I was evil and hateful. Fortunately I’d had the good luck or good sense to marry a non-narcissist—plus truckloads of therapy—so I was able to cope, but it was still agonizing. With their deaths, sadly but honestly, I have finally (at age 60) developed what I believe is a healthily functioning ego and some reliable emotional awareness and control. It’s never too late to find effective coping mechanisms and a healthier self-image!
So well said. I really relate to “No level of subservience was ever enough” That says it all..
If I wasn’t an only child, I’d think you might be my twin !
I often say that I have been taking care of my mom for 60 years. My mom was a covert narcissist and I was expected to be her confidant, her comforter, her provider, and, I was expected to provide her with the life she never had when she was a child. She used to do my homework and take over my art projects and if i wanted to do them myself she would yell at me and say i was a selfish, stingy brat-that she never had the opportunity to go to school past 3rd grade and never got to do fun things like i was doing so if i was a good daughter i would share and let her experience things she never got to, so i let her take over my homework, my projects, my life because i felt guilty for having the opportunity where she didn’t. She also took over my friends, and i wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without her along because she said i wasn’t being fair to her. Now that she is very old, she is admitting to me that she considered me a burden “once you have a kid your life is over” ” I could have been successful, could have accomplished this or that, etc, had I not had you to take care of. You caused me to be stifled in my life” “it’s all your fault” Now I regret investing so much of my life in trying to help her because she secretly resented me anyway. I have since found out she used to tell my aunts and my grandparents what a burden I was and how disappointing I was, how hard it was on her to raise me, so they were disappointed in me too. 😢
Only child here; I had no idea my dad was a narcissist until his dying days. Like you said, I was never quite sure how to be better or to be loved by him– he seemingly was never content or satisfied with me or with his life, and toward the end of his life he lived in total fear of 1) getting Covid (which he did not) 2) getting dementia (which he did) 3) his wife/my mom dying (which she did) and 4) himself dying (which he did not want!)… I always thought I was unlovable; he used to tell me “Don’t get married!” It took one woman to love me truly to help me see I was lovable; After we married (later in life I might add), he didn’t like her because she stood up to him. She helped me establish boundaries with him so he ended up being mad at both of us and then looked for his narcissistic supply from his brother and sister- who, turns out, are BOTH narcissists as well. Well, now that he’s dead, his bro and sis don’t talk to me. Ugh. I also want to add that his love was conditional toward the end– he hung my inheritance over my head as the reason I needed to do whatever he told me to do! He also insisted I never had the right information– I was wrong about every single thing he talked about. He also claimed he was never wrong in all his life! Imagine that– 83 years of never being wrong. My wife and I figured out he was not mentally well. It was a tough last few years with him and his fearful, demented, paranoid self. When he died I felt a great relief! I wish my dad wasn’t like this, but he was. And at least I can think back to good memories with him- he wasn’t a total monster. Dr. Ramani– your videos have helped me understand narcissism and helped me heal a bit; local mental health people I’ve visited with weren’t as helpful as your videos.
Dr Ramani, Thank you for helping me feel not alone. I am so grateful for you & for sharing your wisdom with us.
I’m 66 years old and the only child of a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive narcissistic mother. I also had the misfortune of looking just like my philandering father. My parents stayed together for revenge. Neither would give the other the pleasure of leaving. I took all of his beatings. I left home at 17, couch surfed for years, ultimately going from one unhealthy relationship to another. I’ve spent half of my life in therapy and eventually cut ties with my mother, however I never realized how my upbringing affected my relationship choices until I discovered your videos. After I left a recently rekindled relationship with what I would later identify as a covert narc, I left the country for 3 months to be with myself. I am back and starting over with nothing but the understanding that I AM enough, my life has value and I don’t have to relive the dynamics of my childhood in perpetuity. Thank you Dr.Ramani for your life changing insights.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you only the best for your life. As cliché as it may sound, but the rest of your life can be the best of your life. Good for you for discovering your greatness a priority. ❤
I am the only child of a blended narcissistic family. I was expected to do everything for my parents. I was the therapist, best friend, chef, cleaning lady, and personal punching bag. It was awful growing up with constant criticism and judgment. Nothing was consistent except for drama. I finally had enough abuse and decided to go no contact. These toxic family systems don’t change!
They hit you… And you didn’t put that at the top of the list?
Thank you so much for this. I could hardly breathe while listening. It’s me exactly. My dad left when I was 8 and my mom went to work. I became a lonely, latch key kid. I was a golden child until we moved out of state at 15 and I was forced to give away my dog. I ended up rebelling and quickly became a punching bag because I wasn’t performing. My mom was a vulnerable narcissist and extremely manipulative. I’m 60 and still sorting it all out, but thanks to Dr Ramani I am now often able to catch gaslighting in the moment. As a reflex, I have been attracted to unavailable people and am in relationship with someone who is neglectful. I just recently learned that it is not my fault for expecting too much. Bless you, Dr Ramani.
Yes I was mostly raised by my father who never saw my needs. I started working very young so I could have school clothes and supplies. I would iron clothes, babysit and do yard work until I got my first job. He’s still very selfish and I don’t speak to him if I don’t have to. I have a son and I’ve worked very hard all of my life and I took very good care of my son’s needs and I still take care of him as an adult if he needs something. I’m happy that I wasn’t the same type of parent that my father was to me with my son.
you are incredibly sharp, Dr. Ramani—thank you for all your wisdom! 🩵
you help so much more than you know.❤️