Benign vs. malignant NEGLECT in narcissistic relationships
Neglect in relationships can take many forms, but what happens when it feels deliberate, almost like punishment? In this video, we explore the difference between benign neglect—unintentional and circumstantial — and malignant neglect, a more insidious and harmful pattern often seen in narcissistic relationships. What does it mean to feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant in a way that feels intentional? Let’s unpack this subtle yet impactful form of relational harm.
I needed this!! I can see both in many relationships of my past and present. Ty
Thank you for this. Exactly what I think is a major issue for me. I was malignantly neglected. What most fits is that I only existed when they needed me. But I’ve carried so much shame from the things I had to do as a kid to survive the constant shaming and bullying at school and at home, that or became an unspeakable part of my life that no one sees or understands. It works under the radar in all my daily activities. In my thoughts and emotions. I carry the family shame all the time. Now working to change that. It’s not even mine. It’s the family system dumping shame on me.
This is exactly where I am and what I’m working through, along with you!
same
Thank you for your life, Dr. RAMANI, for your dedication to teaching & helping others on this topic. I follow you closely, and you help make sense of the pain that is unexplainable of how some family, work situations of people with negative attitudes, and even strangers occur and why! Your work helps those who are pleasant and just trying to live a normal life & trying to raise their own normal family. So much is toxic all around us! The understanding of the dynamics is a great help. I am sending my gratitude towards you and my thankfulness for you❤.
same
Propably one of the most destructive things that can happen to you when you are growing up.
Whether neglect is intentional or not it sucks not to feel valued, especially by the ones you love.
sux
This was so very helpful!Now, the intricacies of the harmful aspects of malignant neglect throughout the relationship is clear to me. I was confused and nothing made sense.
Wow! How clever and calculating these people have to be!
This video just taught me, he malignantly neglected me from the beginning! I was just too polite to point it out or understand and the therapist I was seeing at the time knrw nothing about narcissism.
I could have been saved so much pain. Igads. Ty Dr Ramani
My mother refused to inform me that my father had entered the last weeks of his life and I thus missed my last chances to talk to him. That act was so cartoonishly villainous that it finally drove home that she is abusive. It got me into therapy, eventually to a therapist that encouraged me to look up narcissism and see whether the behaviors fit. Now looking back I can see aggressive neglect everywhere in my childhood. No wonder I’ve been so anxious. Thank goodness for healing.
Ugh. I’m so dirty, that’s so mean, and I feel ya. Here’s to deeper healing for all of us.
Very similar situation just happened to our family (mother dying, narcissistic father). It has taken several months for my anger and severe hurt to calm down enough to even begin to understand how narcissism, neglect and complex PTSD have shaped the lives of my siblings and me. Best wishes
Not only does my family member intentionally neglect, they will give what you’ve asked for in spades to a virtual stranger and do it right in front of you.
This in so many ways. If she wasn’t giving anyone and everyone else what I needed and was asking for, she would downright do the opposite toward me.
It’s like taking the plant and putting it inside a scorching sun, while claiming that sunlight is good for you and you’re just being sensitive.
Currently living in my narcissistic grandmothers house. Trying to take care of my siblings with no job and no car all by myself after losing both our parents within the span of two years. I’ve been praying and have no other options. We’re surrounded by her flying monkeys and anyone else she has who are totally fine with harrassing us in her stead. It hurts badly since shes constantly threatening to throw us out. My support system is small and i try my best to stay positive but its hard. I pray one day things get better but right now this is so hard. Hopefully one day I’ll look back and feel safe once again🙏
Study hard and hopefully your studies will pay off and give you a road out.
This is exactly what I needed to hear! I had a covert narcissistic mother who I could be around very little . She was very manipulative with me , at least , silent treatment , huge liar etc, but I would say she was also benign in many many ways also. She noticed me very little. She was always preoccupied and I desperately wanted and needed her attention.
Thank you for this, and everything. The past 20 years make more sense now.
He made me financially dependent on him, isolated me from my friends and family, and went weeks ignoring me and not talking to me, to the point that I wasn’t sure if I still existed. All the while he was living his best life with various other women on the side, yet kept me at home as a maid and secretary, a ghost who he could mistreat when he felt like it. Sometimes I was actually thankful for the yelling and insults, because at least then I knew that I am still here.
That’s heartbreaking 💔 I hear you and see you! I know what that feels like.
Mine has been 25 years. I moved out 3 day ago and feel devastated.
I wish you healing, peace and a soft place to land ❤
Thank you again. This is so such a difficult subject given it seems to be about intentions. Both as a single parent who struggled to raise my child against all odds attacked against us by my ex and my trauma, there was never enough time and space to be as present as I’m certain she needed. But also as a child and partner and friends who had been constantly assuming that same intent when I felt unloved, but now have known for years there was at least sometimes a lot of aggressive (“I matter and you don’t” ) neglect, intentionally being left out of needed things, and subtle passive aggressive digs of omission, all of which were so often passed off as immaturity, busyness, or just clueless unintentionally missing me and my basic needs. These things can be so subtle that the not watering the metaphorical plant can seem to everyone as if they just didn’t remember. But really it’s a consistently choosing their own desires and pleasure over the basic need, or worse not watering the metaphorical plant cuz they hate what it reminds them of, they don’t like the color of the pot, they wish the plant was a different variety, the plant isn’t giving them fruit, (even tho it’s not a fruiting plant) or it’s not growing lush enough for them to post on social media, so why bother. That’s not benign neglect. It’s intentional and malignant, but the “plant” often sees it as just benign intentions, and so does the rest of the world, but it still kills the plant and it’s not unintentional.
Well this definitely validated my childhood,. There was benign and now I know from listening to this, malignant neglect. Thank you for speaking this out into the air.
Every time I think that Dr. Ramani has given the best, most insightful talk, she proves me wrong. This one really, really hit home. You are the expert in narcissistic relationships and how they affect those that are abused. Thank you again.
Omg Dr Ramini the timing of this video is profound. I’ve just had the most brutal week with my partner who neglected to wish me happy birthday on my 50th birthday, then when I had a normal human reaction to that and told him I was upset he said “you just go nuclear… over everything” and gave me hostile silent treatment for the next 6 days including when I had to have my much loved cat put to sleep. 😢 He didn’t ask how I was or show any concern and instead went for a drink after work without even letting me know he wouldn’t be home on the day Id had to put my cat to sleep. It’s been devastating!!! So, I’ve moved out. Your videos are a lifesaver, I’ve literally felt like I’m going mad with the subtle and not so subtle gas lighting 😢
Thank you so much for your work!!!
This is a 25year on-off relationship and your work has helped me so much.
So sorry that it has happened to you…but yes moving out was the right move…
I have discovered so much from watching Dr. Ramani’s videos and reading books, articles and comments. Learning about narcissism, complex PTSD, childhood neglect, attachment styles, betrayal blindness, sensory processing disorders, etc. continue to broaden my understanding of what we’re going through. It’s like an ever-growing web of issues
Literally today—this morning, I clocked malignant neglect accurately. Ended the relationship on the spot and blocked the contact. Your timing is impeccable Dr. Ramani! I have learned so much about these relationships this past year, I am so appreciative of your work. I felt like maybe I was overreacting after having sent my message, but I know I made the right choice now. Thank you thank you thank you!
I slept while my wife got notice to go to her mom’s caretaker, because ‘Mom’ is about to pass. I woke up with a note on my keyboard, wife gone, and mother-in-law already passed away hours before… after 38 years of marriage. P.S. Thanks for such detailed experienced knowledge of malignant narcissism.