Cool or Narcissistic?
Extraverted, adventurous, confident—traits we often label as “cool” can sometimes overlap with narcissism. But how do you tell the difference between someone who’s genuinely cool and someone who’s just self-serving? In this video, Dr. Ramani breaks down why society often mistakes narcissistic behavior for coolness—and what that confusion means for your relationships.
ARTICLE MENTIONED
Abstract: What does it mean to be a cool person? Is being cool the same thing as being good? Do the attributes of cool people vary across cultures? We answer these questions by investigating which values and personality traits are associated with cool people and whether these same attributes are associated with good people. Experiments with 5,943 respondents in Australia, Chile, China (Mainland and Hong Kong), Germany, India, Mexico, Nigeria, Spain, South Africa, South Korea, Turkey, and the United States revealed that many of the attributes associated with cool people are also associated with good people. Cool and good, however, are not the same. Cool people are perceived to be more extraverted, hedonistic, powerful, adventurous, open, and autonomous, whereas good people are more conforming, traditional, secure, warm, agreeable, universalistic, conscientious, and calm. This pattern is stable across countries, which suggests that the meaning of cool has crystallized on a similar set of values and traits around the globe. We build on the results to advance a theory of the role that coolness plays in establishing social hierarchies and changing social and cultural practices and norms. (PsycInfo Database Record (c) 2025 APA, all rights reserved).
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
They’re only cooler than us when they’re near an AC
Yesssss…. he’s all about being cool but he’s textbook narcissistic personality….. I’m 21 days in from him leaving again and is throwing breadcrumbs like crazzzzzyyyy…but I know I deserve a feast but never would’ve felt this way if God didn’t guide me to your podcasts Dr R… thank you ❤
If the “good” ppl didn’t give supply to the “cool” ppl, they’d tend to have less of those traits.
Very black and white thinking of you
Yes good people feed the cool or they wouldn’t know they were cool…lol
No that is not how it works oh my goodness what a way to victim blame if you wouldn’t have been in the room the narcissist wouldn’t have been able to abuse you like seriously nurture, nature genetics upbringing, a narcissist will be a narcissist and will do all they can to remain cool and somebody’s eyes even if it’s not yours
@j@janiececooper6758Just because the words “victim blame” sound politically correct and warm and fuzzy inside for you to say, doesn’t mean it’s accurate. I’ve been surrounded by them with some family, and used to be married to one for years, so I have an excellent idea of what a massive amount of ppl in public can do to cut their supply. If someone comes around in public full of themselves, showing off and slighting others, as a large group vs one person, they can simply cut off the supply, much like pinching off a nerve, and they will tend to utilize less of these traits against other ppl. Just facts.
I always made the joking comparison that narcissist are like Apple products. There’s nothing really special about them but the way they market themselves to people gives them an overinflated image of being unique and worth the extra investment cost when in reality that’s absolutely not true.
😅😅😅 love that perspective!
However, unlike iPhones which are useful, they are not. And at least for their time the original iPhones were revolutionary. Narcissists just think the world revolves around them.
Also: I hate Androids because no two models are the same. It’s frustrating. Trying to figure out my sister’s is…let’s just say I avoid it at all costs. Non-iPhone users really create drama for nothing, do they? Makes me wonder if they’re narcissists themselves. At least I know my autistic need for predictability and reliability are sometimes hindrances, but I still don’t understand normies and their need to be “special” when they share more characteristics with narcissists than autistic people do.
Not hating, spitting facts. Can’t handle it? Don’t start it.
Excellent analogy.
You’re cool to me Dr ramani
😁👍👍
💯
Agreed!!! ❤
Yeah
Cool in the good way 😂❤
“Coolness” is a form of social armor, best suited for stable times. As the collective energy shifts and the ground becomes less certain, this armor becomes a heavy liability.
My hope is that coolness is losing its value because we’re being forced to cultivate what truly matters- the authentic, grounded presence needed to navigate the storm.
“As the collective energy shifts…” 🤔
care to elaborate?
@mariapodesta3090 It’s more of a personal, intuitive observation about the changing emotional landscape. It just feels like what we collectively value is in a state of flux right now.
I can understand this. Friends consider me “cool” but they say I feel safe, and they feel they can trust me. That I am calm them by being around.
The narcissistic cool is more than likely aligned with society’s egotistical cool. Often the behavior of caring less, of cockiness/greed/making fun of others, etc is well received by masses as being traits that equal a “go getter” or someone “social”. Oddly enough it is those that usually don’t follow trends or appease the masses that did the healing or bring true value.
Take it from someone who has seen the emotional hell life has to offer; do the WORK and even these types of people become whispers in the wind.
I like to see cool as someone kind, someone I would want to be around, someone who has interesting hobbies, rather than this “societal” term for cool. I feel like since time has went on, more people have begun to feel like me, and that’s nice – to put a positive meaning to a word, we can all use some positive energy instead.
“Cool” is ridiculous. I was surrounded by a lot of ‘cool’, emotionally immature ‘adults’ in my formative years. These ‘adults’ ruined lives, everyone of them.
Then I started working in libraries when I was 20. Worked amongst and for some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known. Adults who acted like adults, had a ton of intellectual curiosity and a wide range of interests and talents. Those are the people I want to be around.
I LOVE this 👏🏻
You reminded me of Dr. Gabor Maté’s remarks on being “cool”. It’s in the word – cool is being detached, or if we take it further, being alienated, being the rebel without a cause a la James Dean. “Cool” is a style, a look, but it is also a big brick wall you build between yourself and others.
And
If I may add –
Behind that wall is a void of emptiness.
When I was 16, I made friends with a friend of my brother-in-law. He was really cool and fun to be around. We had lots of good times. Friends for over 20 years. But, slowly but surely, he became very self centered and obnoxious. He had a hierarchy, of friends that consisted of what other friend could supply him with. Weed, food, experiences were the currency in his system. The more narcissistic he became, the more I got tired of his act and had to ultimately break things off. I miss the good times we had but he wasn’t worth it.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for these continued videos on explaining narcissism. It gives me validation after years of receiving gaslighting and bullying behavior.
Well, this explains why my highly narcissistic sister is given special favors and lots of attention from everyone. It’s because she is cool. Because of the cool factor, she gets all of the financial gifts from extended family members and family friends, even though she has a husband who makes good money, and I am stuck living in our parents’ house due to chronic health issues.
❤
I would use authentic innovativeness vs inauthentic innovativeness, because there’s a lot of people who are just living into their creativity and don’t care about status.
Well, I must say, the world of narcissism is a fascinating one. While many people are aware of overt narcissism, where individuals display grandiose behavior and seek constant attention, covert narcissism is a whole different ballgame. Covert narcissists are masters at hiding their true selves and manipulating those around them. And yes, they do have some rather peculiar habits that set them apart from the rest of us. One weird habit of covert narcissists is their constant need for validation. Unlike overt narcissists who seek validation through external means, covert narcissists have a more sneaky approach. They often fish for compliments or sympathy by subtly dropping hints or making self-deprecating comments. They feed off the reassurance and affirmation they receive from others, and this habit can become quite exhausting for those who have to constantly boost their fragile egos. Another strange habit of covert narcissists is their tendency to play the victim. They are skilled at playing the sympathy card and making others feel sorry for them.
They will twist situations to make themselves appear as innocent victims, even when they are the ones who caused the problem in the first place. This habit allows them to manipulate others into feeling guilty or responsible for their actions, ultimately gaining control over their emotions and actions. Covert narcissists also have a knack for gaslighting, which is a rather disturbing habit. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist distorts reality or denies certain events to make their victim doubt their own perception and sanity. They will subtly twist facts, change narratives, or even outright lie to make others question their own reality. It’s an insidious habit that can leave victims feeling confused, doubting themselves, and trapped in an emotionally abusive cycle. Lastly, covert narcissists have a peculiar habit of being overly sensitive to criticism.
They simply cannot handle any form of negative feedback or constructive criticism, often reacting with extreme defensiveness or passive-aggressive behavior. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe that they are above reproach. This habit can make it incredibly challenging to have any meaningful conversations with them or address any issues that may arise in a healthy manner. In conclusion, covert narcissism is a complex phenomenon that manifests in various weird habits. From seeking constant validation, playing the victim, gaslighting, to being overly sensitive to criticism, these individuals possess a unique set of traits that can be both intriguing and challenging to deal with. It’s important to be aware of these habits so that we can recognize and protect ourselves from their manipulative tactics. Moreover, I could’ve gotten hurt from the impact of been cheated on. I’m glad that i got to know ASAP, through digitalinvestigate@gmail. com and I appreciate the content you put out for us .
Well, that explains something about hipsters, influencers, and trendsetters. The ones whose musical choices are more about how the band members look than what they sound like
In my book, there is no one cooler than you, Dr. Romney in listening to your stories and your sessions. I have overcome myself doubt and stopped hating myself.
You’re too kind!! Thank you! I’m really glad the sessions have supported you. That growth is all yours, and I’m honored to be part of your journey!
I absolutely love your navigating narcissism podcast. Thank you for putting that out there.
I have also learned that some people are beyond help and you just need to quit while you are still ahead
I think empaths are cool. It’s such a cool trait to really understand and be able to understand information but also have the intelligence to apply it .