Does a COVERT narcissist only show their TRUE SELF when they’re TRIGGERED?
At first, a covert narcissist may seem calm, sensitive, or even self-effacing—but that can change the moment they feel threatened. In this video, Dr. Ramani breaks down why covert narcissism often hides beneath insecurity and shame until it’s triggered, revealing the same entitlement and rage seen in more obvious narcissistic types. You’ll learn what kinds of situations “set them off,” why their reactions feel so unpredictable, and how to spot the shift before it happens. Understanding this pattern can help you protect your peace—and finally see the covert narcissist clearly.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Yeah
I can say now, I am not getting out of this by getting along!
I absolutely LOVE what you said about the clean-up! I have often been bothered by my not being able to make peace with my narcissistic grandmother and wondered if I just was living in the past (her claim) or just not a forgiving enough person. You really hit the nail on the head regarding why I have never moved on regarding some of the things she’s done to me. It’s not so much what she had done as it is the total lack of insight, and complete unwillingness to acknowledge it and hear me out and just tell me she’s sorry. It’s all I want, I don’t ever expect to get it, and frankly have come to accept she just isn’t capable of it.
And if you ever get an apology, it is almost always a hollow one sadly.
If they say sorry, it’ll be immediately followed by ok now let’s move on and you’re expected never to bring it up again.
It’s your grandmother, I have a mother like that. Don’t expect that to ever happen, because it won’t come. Grief that lack of response but learn to accept talking to people like her is impossible. At some point that bond: it’s my grandmother” will have to be replaced with: “it’s a narcissist” for your own good.
@marikothecheetah9342 I”ve stopped expecting it. She’s not capable!
They ALWAYS start out nice…… until triggered or they get what they want. They do the typical blame everyone for everything but they don’t have the ability to look inward. This is WHY you take your time getting to know someone. Don’t be available every time they want to see you. Listen very carefully because they’re a victim of circumstances.
How about when you uncover their bad behavior, including violence? Got the permanent silent treatment after that.
If you pay a little attention, you immediately start to notice strange things, but sometimes we ignore them.
It’s difficult to identify what it even is you’re picking up on. Especially when there is such a language-abuse campaign on their part to talk you out of your noticing, guilt tripping you for noticing something not right and shaming you for speaking up for how it feels.
I agree. I first noticed his rage over little things but brushed it off that he was just stressed out from work.
Anything can trigger a narcissist.
It’s always going to be so ethics g they have such hair trigger tempers
Anything you say can and will be used against you. Want to unmask a covert narc? Just wait until you NEED them like becoming unemployed, sick, injured or disabled. They all have limited empathy and will start to complain to you and about you very soon afterwards.
My recent guy was 71, me 65, and I did begin to fear that if I moved in with him and anything happened to me, I’d be SOL!
It’s very interesting that covert ones are really tricky to spot and take much longer to point out exactly what it is. However, it’s a vulnerable/fragile victim mentality that actually opened my eyes, and after an encounter with this type, I have more awareness and learn to avoid.
There generally IS no cleanup! The person can be a complete nightmare, and then the next day, they act as if none of it ever happened–no acknowledgment, no discussion, nothing. It’s the ultimate in arrogant entitlement, that they can behave like this, and never have to even address it. Ugh.
What I noticed was the punishment wasn’t immediate, but later on and you don’t know it is connected to the day you challenged them.
They enjoy punishing you, it is quite disturbing. They also lie to yr face and watch your response. Not for me!
Yep. When dividing inheritance, there was a shotgun I really wanted. We had it appraised . I paid for the appraisal because I picked it up. I ended up getting the gun and offered to pay half several times. Oh no she said. I thought that was really nice of her. Two years later, she said it’s my birthday I want half of the price of the gun. Luckily, I saved the appraisal because she wanted more than half and also she conveniently forgot that I had paid for the appraisal. I paid her half minus half of the appraisal. I hate her
It’s a sign of the times when saying the word “trigger” triggers a reaction that requires a disclaimer.
Even when not triggered, there is an underlying of resentment. They talk about others and either laugh about them or talk negatively about them. They still show a sense of entitlement, fragility, victimhood, a need for external validation, and can seem miffed when you share your feelings with them. When around them, you feel something is off. You feel nervous, as if you’re waiting for the shoe to drop, and lonely because your feelings are not validated. The triggers, and there are many, are just confirmations to the underlying resentments they hide.
You described to a tee a church volunteer who I realized is covert narcissist. Dr. Ramani is an excellent source of knowledge to understand this type of personality and how to navigate dealing with them. They are very challenging.
Wow, this one hits the nail on the head, big time! I had an experience with my ex of 11 years that I will never forget, and it exemplifies so much of what’s described here. Soon after going to bed late one night I asked him roll over bc he was storming so loudly. I asked twice, very politely and gently. The second time I asked he went into full on, scary adult tantrum mode. He jumped up out of bed, yelling and berating me. We were in a hotel and he started packing his belongings to leave and “go sleep in the car.” It was February in Colorado, and it had just snowed and was very cold outside. He stood over me while I was in the bed pleading with him to stop yelling and told me this was all my fault. He even said, “this is your punishment.” It was absurd. I’m so grateful I finally ended that relationship after many attempts. Oh
the cleanup part…that was literal for me with him on several occasions. Cleaning up a smashed watermelon in our kitchen, or cooked food he threw across the living room. Yeah, adult tantrum mode is very real with covert narcs.
My sister!😢 She has so many “friends’ but I’ve been a major supply for decades and I’ve suffered in my other relationships because of it. It’s made me question for years if I’m the narcissist!
Dr. Ramani, can you please do a video differentiating vulnerable vs. covert narcissism? I’m confused!
Also, if you apologize to the narcissist and then clean up, they will always see it as dirty and thirty years later they are still talking about that one thing you did.
When I told my ex about how I felt bad about his lack of generosity and his tendency to treat himself more special than me, he gaslit me by saying I should stand up for my needs better, that I was too kind for my own good, etc. The thing that made things fall into place was that he pushed me lightly during an argument. That he’d put his hands on me in anger made everything fall into place. He tried to say that he pushed me in jest, and I didn’t buy that. I realized I didn’t want to see him any more. After I ended things, I’ve realized how battered I felt, like I was in an abusive relationship. In a way, I’m really glad that he pushed me. That made me put two and two together fast, as opposed to spending more months navigating his extreme defensiveness, manipulation, selfishness, etc.
It’s not about the mess, it’s about the clean-up. So true. Narcisists double down when called out for their wrongdoing, healthy people make mistakes, apologize, repair and amend their behaviour – two different approaches.
My longtime former friend. She went into a rage, tore me down. Said horrible things like “we’re losers” and called an old friend “PATHETIC!” I froze and fawned in the moment but deep down I knew the friendship was over.
My husband generally presented himself as quite humble and demure, very “vulnerable”, but his road rage was absolutely insane. Pure Jekyll and Hyde. Horrifying.