Does my ANGER make me as bad as the narcissist?
NORTH CAROLINA RETREAT
November 1-3, 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Narcissists will do anything to get a reaction out of you. When they make you angry, they calm down. Because then they can point the finger at you and blame you. They disown parts of themselves that they don’t like and then assign them to you. They deflect their anger and shame on to you.
😢😢😢I couldn’t understand his before, and he would get aroused while I was trying to regulate myself after he had purposely triggered me. Weird spirit he had!
I would experience this with my exwife(narcissitic borderline) a lot. She would do things or push until id get super angry then should would completely calm down and belittle me or accuse me of “yelling” anytime i said anything she didnt want to hear.
@@bryguy4golfYeah, exactly the same for me, except I suck at golf. 😂
I thought it might be that they’d shared their 😈 demons (aka “negative &/or dark energy”) with another 🤔 thereby feeling some relief from the turmoil inside tgem?
Thank you. What you said is a new insight for me. I’m observing that happening but don’t know why. You clarified things.
Good question. My parents’ behavior has brought out the worst in me
Me too
Me too. I really do become someone I don’t like. I’m constantly trying to think of ways to put my elderly narc mother in her place without without triggering her behaviours. I wouldn’t in a million years dream of doing that to anyone else. She knows she holds all the power because I’m autistic and have chronic fatigue so I really don’t want to be written out of her will. She threatens me all the time because she doesn’t want me to leave her house even though I hear her muttering about how much she hates me!😩😩😩
@@delightfullydotty7130she might write you out of the will anyway. But I’d watch what I say to her too
@@SherryTomlinson-r2y she’s just drawn me into another argument. Flatly denied the threat she made yesterday so I’ve told her that she can do whatever she likes but I will assume I’ve been written out of the will. I think I have to leave.
@@delightfullydotty7130 I hear you narcs are so nasty. Even in their death they want to stick it to you! Do what you need to do. Be careful!
Anger that is not a bad emotional hygiene issue, comes from needs not being met. So look at that issue… and get your needs met (ethically, morally, and responsibly, with new people if needed)
My X(diagnosed borderline) would constantly accuse me of yelling or being abusive any time i challenge their behavior. If i went way out of my to use to a calm voice and repress my anger I was being “condescending”
I know this tune 😕
Ah yes the always wrong. I also hike wrong and ask wrong
The relationships with narcissistic people that I’ve had that make me the most angry is that it’s been impossible for me to have a basic solid foundation to build on. They just do careless, destructive things and so I have had to spend my energy never getting out of the basic things, when I know if they weren’t like that we’d all be in a better place by now.
even a friendship or roommate is almost impossible. truly it is ( they are dangerous)
@@judywinters8615 I believe you. I had an upstairs neighbor in my apartment building who was a single mom like me, and I was thinking it would be so great to have a single mom friend/neighbor. It turned out she was constantly looking for people she could sue for something. There were a lot of other things, like digging thru my garbage to find something she could use to steal my identity, etc.
@@GeminiGemini2478 They will never not be like this……they won’t change no matter what you do.
I’m not responsible for what my face does when the narcissist talks.
I bought a niece a t-shirt that said: “are my eyes rolling?”
😂
BEST COMMENT EVER❤
😂
I will remember this tonight when I watch the debate!❤
Learned to have a “pokerface”, narcissists really don’t like it.
@@LSMH528Hz decades before I was ever to hear any terms such as “grey rock”, I managed to pull this off exactly once as a young teen with my narcy grandparents on one of their many hours long rage & berating sessions, euphemistically masked as “having a talk”. 🙄 OmG the new level of being incensed was positively _stratospheric_! Even though I was never able to pull it off again in that way, it was absolutely **DELICIOUS!!!***
Also, SCREW the people that want to blame us for daring to react to all of the abuse!
Never again. It’s relieving when a narc finds new supply to victimize.
Sad but true
Me, too.
I met my ex husbands gf when he came to see my son. I told her Thank you and I didn’t mean to. I really wanted to tell her to buckle up. She broke up with him a couple of times in a short time.
Being chronically betrayed in a relationship is not healthy. In addition, with other elements, variables and factors that contribute to the imbalance of power and toxicity. It’s better to be alone than with a bad companion.
Absolutely. Social constructs of one’s personal life plays into how you react and heal. Great content. Not easy for everyone. Great point!
Yes the anger brings reality to what one has tolerated!! have been able to see this for what it is…Im dis engaging more and more.. Landed a wonderful part time job … love what I do.. this has helped a lot.. He plays the vicim ( both are retired). His response ” I know you just want to get away from me!!!
You have just explained the carousel of emotions I’ve experienced for 12 years. Stuffing emotions down, getting to the point of anger due to baiting/gaslighting/slander/etc, leading to boiling over &expressing that anger inappropriately😭, then repeated apologies and deep intense guilt over My handling of things. And ultimately, repeatedly, constantly worried that I am the Narcissist.
Someone finally understands.
You were the emotions the narcissist fed off from for energy & regulation but without that supply they’d be nothing at all
I feel your pain. Same here
Same 😕
This happened in my last serious relationship. I was a happy easy going person to start, then after years of all his awful unhealthy behaviour, where he gaslit me with everything he did, including cheating, excessive drinking, lying, money issues etc….then I became super tense and angry. Then he criticized me for that too. It’s a no win awful situation. Others have done this to me too. Learning to embrace and harness my anger to motivate me to get things done and that I am allowed to feel angry! Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Very important distinction and validation. It’s healthy and normal to be angry at injustice, it’s not healthy to lash out because you’re angry.
Yeah exactly. I’m still learning self-control, but rage is lack of control. We have to learn to control our bad emotions, but not to suppress them.
Well said! Thanks.❤
That depends on why you’re anger. We tend to feel emotions from something like a trigger or a flashback. Anger in and of itself doesn’t exist. There’s always a meaning to your madness.
After walking on egg-shells and never feeling I could safely express myself for 60 years, my anger finally exploded. My sister was as calm as could be (I could almost feel her smiling through the phone). She was actually enjoying it. I knew I would never speak to her again and I haven’t, but she hasn’t hesitated in letting me know (via email) how many people she has communicated with that are so surprised at how I tricked them into thinking I was a good person (including my mother who has dementia). I was always considered the good and helpful child who never caused any problems, so the shame afterwards at my own anger was very real. Thank you Doctor Ramani for helping me to let this go.
Same! 60 yrs of it and I just KNOW my sister was smiling on the other end..lol. She wrote in my yearbook, ‘Always stay as sweet as you are now.’ I’ll’ bet! The doormat has left.
Keep ignoring her. My mother does the same
Haven’t spoken to her in years and it’s been a blessing
Same, @54 years, in midst of it now.
OMGoodness,, what a cruel person she is! Gossip and smearing your good name. You are a good person! Hopefully those other people will realize that it is your sister who is unhealthy. I can relate in that I’m co-dependent, a people-pleaser all my life, never wanting any conflict.. Just learning how to stand up for myself, as 72 years old.
Dangerous siblings are scary & now that I am no contact with them I sleep a lot better
“…and then the lion’s share of regulating the anger falls on you.”
Too bad the medical community, law enforcement and the court system doesn’t recognize this. Luckily narcissistic abuse is slowly being introduced as a legitimate form of abuse. Time for the world to wake up to the fact that physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that can take a person’s life or livelihood.
It’s truly the domestic violence cycle template but then we’re not far from wife beating being just fine as it was when I grew up! Once went to the state police with a black eye the last time my father hit me & was told they don’t DO domestic violence
@@caroleminke6116 Wow. What did they expect you to do?! If you are anything like me you grew up with the notion that these people/professionals were suppose to protect and serve, or at the very least quickly refer you to someone who could help you so as to not send you back to someone like a lamb to the slaughter.
When my elderly father was going through the early stages of dementia I was in my 30s and living at home yet had to walk on eggshells as not to upset him. Translation: I was subjected to the same rules that applied to me when I was 15 years old which meant a curfew of being home before it got dark or midnight by the latest depending on the weather and the activity. Any “failure” on my part was met with instant rage and blaming as soon as I walked in the door. He would make himself so upset he would blame me for his high blood pressure and heart condition if I failed at following his orders. My mother always tried but could do nothing to calm him down or stop his raging.
One time I knew I would be home very late and I knew how upset he would be. I stopped by my local police station and asked for a patrol car to follow me home because I was that afraid of my father. The police asked me how old I was. I said “Thirty-(whatever).” They said “But you’re legally an adult.” I replied “But to my dad it doesn’t matter. I’m afraid he might hurt me ”
Luckily they agreed to follow me home. And of course my dad was already angrily waiting at the front door for me. When I got out of my car in the driveway I waved at the patrol car and they drove off.
I told my dad I had the cops follow me home because I was afraid of what you would do to me once I got home. There was no argument THAT night, but there were others later on in public places where the local cops had to drive by because his anger would get the better of him. That was the only thing that could stop my dad from escalating into who knows what.
It’s too bad these days the cops won’t get involved unless it’s a kidnapping or attempted homicide, but there are usually warning signs that are often ignored by the courts, social services, and law enforcement. Sometimes neighbors don’t even want to get involved.
For the record I wasn’t trying to trigger him by coming home after 2 o’clock in the morning. It was a two hour commute both ways and it was one delay after another, as what sometimes happens with a night out with friends.
Between the time I was able to leave the house and the “reasonable” time my father expected me home, it would have only left me with about 90 minutes to spend with my friends, barely enough time to have a nice dinner and watch a movie.
I don’t want to be around people that belittle or yell at me. I definitely don’t want to be that way to other people.
I feel like crap after yelling or being mean to someone. I know what you mean.
anger is a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. use the anger as a tool to tell you when it’s time to leave and after you’ve left you may still feel angry, but it is a necessary step in healing. if you try to suppress the anger out of guilt or shame you won’t completely heal. use the frustration after the exit, as a commitment to making sure the narcissist experience doesn’t happen again in your life.
i’m not going to let a troubled, emotional vampire determine what i’m going to be, or ruin my future happiness.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I think my anger/rage/apology cycle came from grief… so sad to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have now accepted she is not well and aging, and staying away is my best cure.
I’ll choose anger and sanity over submission and gaslighting any day.
Toxic relationships of any kind will take a huge toll. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
I have just experienced this anger. I was feeling so ashamed of the emotional dysregulation that happened within me. It exhausted me.
I have drawn and redrawn boundaries over the years with my narcissistic grandmother and mother. I have been no contact for one year. Now, they are reaching me by injecting themselves in unhealthy ways into my daughters life, whom i still am raising. Its so hard to get rid of these vampires.
Oh yes, feeling angry all the time. Caused by resentment, betrayal, injustice and feeling trapped in my situation. My anger was then used against me as yet one more thing that I was blamed for. I was the problem, ALWAYS! I needed to change and learn to be more like him (his words)!
THANK YOU for normalizing “healthy anger expression”. I was raised by a parent who frowned upon “emoting” and forbade the expression of anger all the while she had fits of rage on a near daily basis.
As an adult I use my words to express my anger and whenever my voice gets a little bit higher and louder I automatically feel shame for verbalizing my anger.
I was the reactive abuser. I screamed and shouted and ranted and raged and swore violently
He behaved like the victim/martyr after baiting me and pushing me to the edge of insanity
Free for seven years. Not one angry day