How Absence Plays With a Man’s Emotions
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Get Him To Commit Before Sleeping Together (The Dating Vow)
Have you ever heard the saying: Women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are the gatekeepers of commitment?
The "Dating VOW" Before Sleeping Together
I ___________________ agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next 3 to 6 months.
I ___________________ agree to be monogamous sexual while we have regular sex together
I ___________________ agree to not actively seek to meet/date others while we are in this dating process (include taking down dating profile)
I ___________________ agree to speak up if this isn't working for me vs. pulling back, ghosting or disappearing
I ___________________ agree to invest regular time in this process of getting to know you which looks like this _______________
90% of men will bail on this because thousands of women will have sex without any commitment/agreement whatsoever. If all women are banned together (going forward), this will change how men treat/view sex, but in the meantime, if he does agree, you have a better chance of commitment than without it.
All the love I once poured into him, I am now putting into me! I am letting go of past failures, and going forward to know I am worthy, I deserve so much more. And I don’t want a facsimile of what a loving relationship is, I want the real thing. I am loving ME first.
Love reading this… pour into yourself love. ❤💙💛❤
Same here!!! I am holding out for the real thing
Same here
Carla, how many months gave you been on your healing journey? I may need to concentrate mine into a shorter amount of time, because I’m 73 yrs old! 🥴😳
Karen Abbot, I am still on my healing journey, since last April. And it doesn’t matter how old we are, we still have been through heartache. My guy is with someone else already, and still calls me! I am indifferent, I can’t play his games, I’m 61 at the end of this month. I want serving so much better, I want a man who isn’t afraid to show he cares, and I want so much more than he ever gave. This was his choice to find another, but I figure he isn’t over me either, or he wouldn’t still call. I’m just not into games, so now my next decision is to look out for myself and don’t play his so I’m going to refuse to answer when he does call. No response, no more contact. I deserve better than that. I’m only sorry for the girl he’s with now, she’s got such a prize doesn’t she? He spends more time on the phone with other women than he does her. I don’t want that anymore. I’m always healing every day. I have to take care of me. We all do. Love ourselves to know our own worth. We are special!! Believe that, believe in you!!!
Great advice. I met a guy I liked and admit I was acting Anxious – he was a totally Avoidant. He told me is only seeking casual low key relationship. I told him my STANDARDS and said we aren’t a match. He tried to reach out again and ignored his message.
Thanks for sharing!
Keep ignoring because it’s a total deadend. Good work.
@@motheryuba57 I did and see him on every dating app.
That’s great NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU WANT!!!
You did a great job. I went through the same thing and kept in touch and he treated me like an option.
Everything you say resonates with me. I’m in midlife and perfectly content living my best life, solo. I won’t rule out connecting in a meaningful way with a man, and have met a couple of practice guys…thanks to you I was able to “next” them pretty darn quickly. I’m still working on the part of me that wants to hear from them, and realize if they didn’t put the effort in from the get go, he gone, I’m good!!! Thank you Jonathan!!
Thanks for sharing 👍🏼
@@JonathonAslay so far I’ve read Talking to Strangers and Attached. Once I read all the books you suggest, I may sign up for your personalized help. I appreciate you helping me to see things differently!!
@@Evowoman1 That’s great…
I hope to get to that place as well! I should have ” nexted” the guy I married 51 years ago!
Wow ditto 😯…I could of written this myself !! 👍.
A secure relationship helps heal insecure/anxious attachment. We learn to fear being abandoned from people who actually abandon us. We learn to be secure from people who give us security. Some relationships are damaging while others are healing. Part of healing ourselves involves weeding out people who are damaging as quickly as we can instead of entertaining them for too long.
Exactly
I agree, what heals avoidants ?
@@DecadentDelicacy I would be interested to know as well… most avoidants don’t seem to want to heal.
Well said. I totally agree! I have learned this from my own experiences.
Brilliant words👏👏
Absence also plays on a woman’s emotions making her feel insecure. That being said it’s time to MoveOn
Yes… which I did believe I said.
Wise words Kathleen… your exact point is being done to me right now… and it DID make me feel insecure.. NOT NOW ! THANK YOU
@@jillrice1630 I speak from experience. It was the best decision I ever made. I pray the best for you
I’m in process 😳
This happened to me over the summer, and there’s no going back. I’m just not putting up with it any more. We all deserve so much better than what people are attempting to give us.
ding ding ding!! Again ladies, he’s reminding us that being hyper focused on a man is very very unhealthy 💯👍
Exactly 🙏
“Laying the cards on the table” with a new person is great IF you are positive you’re dealing with a normal person. However, being so forthright from the beginning could spell disaster if you are dealing with a toxic individual—a narcissist for example. I told too much, too soon and the “hidden” narc in the charming person I saw in front of me suddenly became my dream guy…liking the same things as me, having the same goals in life, wanting the same things from a relationship—on and on it went. None of what he said about himself was true I later learned. Be careful of divulging too much too soon to the wrong person who could pretend you both are on the same path when they really have another agenda.
Yes…
So true! Luckily, I was with a narcissist that really didn’t ask any questions about me but I have heard horror stories about this. They throw everything up in your face down the road and any private detail you’ve ever shared with them they use against you.
I think it depends on “trust”. When two partners spend time apart. Of course, it is a healthy thing to do. Some people(I have found mostly men) have a big problem being alone.
How much is time apart because it’s been over two weeks??
Sadly, so far I’ve had mostly boyfriends who were “non-commital”. But, I did have a husband who wanted committment. Yet, he was a drunk who couldn’t take care of his family(me/his wife and his two small sons), so I wound up getting divorced with two small sons and no support. My impressions of men were either the ones with money had huge egos and treated their women like nothing, or they were not reliable(either emotionally/spiritually or any other way). It seems also that women who are empathic, very giving/loving, etc. attract narcissists.
Yes so true . Empathetic and giving partner will attract narcissistic people . Please don’t get into “fixing others “
in order to be loved
Get down to hold your staff and get to the bottom of it with a psychologist there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
@@marinettecachin5931 Oh yeah I’ve learned!
I hear you and concur
Omg! This is so true. I have been in nursing since I was a teenager, and empathy and compassion is the essence of my personality! I choose now to do a lot of self study, and awareness. I have been married to a narcissist for over 30 years! I can’t afford that at this turn of events in my life right now. This is why I have to choose on purpose to guard my heart! Protect my peace, and to love with my mind, instead of my heart until I know that I am not repeating history over again! Prayer and patience is key! I pray for discernment too; God, reveal the truth about this person’s intentions and heart to me! Amen.
Did you cheat on him?
I was in my first relationship in over 5 years. It seemed like we had so much in common, but we only spent one day a week together and there was very little communication during the week. I would answer a text message from him that would go unanswered. He would call once a week to make plans for our weekend time together.
After awhile I just got tired of the lack of real connection and not really talking about anything deep. I broke it off finally because he didn’t even communicate that he was going away on vacation.
It was over a month ago that I broke it off. Then I randomly received a phone call from him. I didn’t take the call because I just don’t e know the point or continuing on in a superficial relationship. We did have fun outings together, but it wasn’t a deep connection. To be honest I don’t even think we were exclusive. My gut told me there were other women in the picture.
Lacking a lot of communication. You need to ask questions . You have to talk every day.
I was in an relationship that sounds exactly like the one you were in. The one thing that is different is that I did not take charge and disconnect from the relationship…he one day just didn’t “text” or call…and I was hurt that he didn’t give our relationship more respect by closing the relationship…I do feel he felt me closing up and letting go but it again disappoints me I did not step up and be real with him..oh well..lesson learned..but kudos to you for being assertive and doing what was best for you
Ditto. He called tonight after blocking him on Facebook. I don’t get the point of talking. He moved out of state and didn’t tell me… it’s over so why does he call?? Like he likes the gratification of being wanted?? So annoying.
Men cheat and this really surprises women? Ladies we are just vaginas to men.
Good for you to let it go when you realized that it wasn’t the kind of relationship that would sustain your involvement. He may like to keep it shallow and sparse. Let him find a gal who’s fine with the light weight hookups.
It’s soooooo important to take the steps necessary ( therapy) to reconcile your childhood wounds before you enter into relationships. If you don’t and you find a partner who hasn’t either your foundation will be shaky. The best thing you can bring to a relationship is an emotionally healed self . ❤️
The fact that you are so open and honest about this stuff is refreshing. I didn’t realize guys went through this, too. Thanks for sharing your story and I am sorry your mom behaved that way. My mom has some similar traits, God bless her. I’m healing and trying to learn that it isn’t personal and she was parenting the best she could with the imperfect foundation she had to work from.
Your openness about your thoughts and feelings in a current relationship help SO much, thank you!
I agree that it’s not okay to ignore the person you’re with. But sometimes you need to detach from them if you’re not okay with the way they’re treating or stop making you feel secure in the relationship. I used to hold on so tightly to my boyfriends in the past even though they weren’t giving me what I needed. I was so afraid to lose them that I never took a step back and said I needed space. Now I’ve learned to communicate my needs and when he makes promises he doesn’t stick to, I need to step back and reevaluate. Doesn’t mean a breakup but it’s not a punishment either.
Perfectly said. Same here.
stone-walling/ghosting/bad communication/ignoring was sufficient for me to leave. Anxiety was all time highs at that time. Made me go from secure to anxious.
This!!! Yup! Being ghosted by a once trusted friend changed me from secure to anxious as well.
I was ghosted after 1 year 3 months of excellent 24/7 constant friendship. First reaction was..ensure nothing bad happened to him. Then..this ghosting made me wait few weeks after ensuring he was safe then… i text… are you well? His answer of being superbusy did not give me a good vibe as he was fully engaged in communicating with me. So i did not initiate text. Then waited another 2 weeks… went to see him ..he did not show any kind of anything…i made quick visit… he was friendly … but did not offer any comment on his full ghosting. So i stopped calling or visiting. I never asked him why but i created 3 opportunities that he talk if he wanted …we meet 6 times after accidentally.. we say hello.. and smile and each go his way. Yes its cruel.. traumatic..confusing… but i bit the painful bullet and walked without showing anyone that it was hurtful …now i am trying to work on not letting this horrible trauma change me in a bad way. Im trying also to recover as it still hurt because there was no reason for this bad action. After all… i would not like this to affect my future friendships and im trying to learn what this taught me ….but i guess i wouldnt be happy if i become sick like he was
Same
@@Carolina3788 im sorry for this traumatic experience
@@Spinnglishthat sounds extremely confusing and painful, I’m sorry you experienced that. 🤍
Nothing better than being alone, than having my me moments. Going alone to a restaurant, theater etc etc. I’m getting so use to be by myself that I don’t picture myself living with someone again.
You are smart. No disease, drama or cheating.
It’s far, far better than living with someone who makes you feel bad about your life and yourself.
@@northofyou33 Isn’t that the truth. It’s not as though there isn’t a great big world out there waiting to verbally crap on you, you get a romantic partner so the same thing happens.
I’m used to being alone as well and yet I do want to marry. I want to marry a man after God’s own heart. A man of integrity and purpose. I think I know who he is. He pursued me & was intentional. He loved me but he has severe OCD. He has a hard time functioning. Any thoughts?
Being married to my husband taught me everything I need to know about what I want and need in a man. I’m glad he doesn’t have emotional baggage and is emotionally secure. That is the only type to be with. Anything outside of that will make you become anxious.
A man with a strong self esteem and boundaries will not tolerate disrespect and abuse. He doesn’t need validation. Thats for women. Men work on yourselves. Be the best version of you that you can be. Be so confident that people will need to prove themselves to you, not in an arrogant way. But because your values are so high. And always remember that the ability to walk away is the strongest position you can have. Use it!
focus on your creator. so much attachment is placed on men and dating game. Let go and find your own happiness. What is meant to be will be what is meant to stay will stay.
I’ve never understood why people think they have to talk on the phone every day. My man and I called each other when we had something to say. We’ve been together 8 years now, no anxious feelings, no excessive emotions. I think we’re both secure attachment styles.