How “boundary talk” is used to SHAME survivors of narcissistic relationships
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Dr Ramani
You have helped met with my relationship with my narcissistic father and going low-contact with him was the best decision I have ever made.
Thank you for doing what you do. You are helping people heal.
Millionth time: It’s not the having of the boundaries. It’s the ENFORCING of the boundaries.
They see it as a game to walk through them and reinforce their chaos and dominance.
Indeed, it is up to ME to enforce my own boundaries! If I make a request, or ask someone not to do something, my response to that is MY boundary. My boundary is what I will or will not accept. Whatever the other person chooses to do/not do is their choice, but there will be consequences.
You seem pretty frustrated with the community.
@@lt827it’s the misconception that’s so irritating because most people think that boundaries will change the way others treat you & that’s simply not true… only you can change yourself
I absolutely agree. I don’t think the issue is that boundaries don’t work: it’s that some people feel like they can only _set_ boundaries (that is, make requests) and not _enforce_ them.
I get that, and I get the need to point out not everyone can enforce boundaries – just like not everyone can leave relationships – but acting like actual boundaries don’t work ain’t it.
People should be taught what (a godsend) an actual boundary is and that they get to set and enforce them. Not just be left to continue thinking the most they can do to protect themselves is asking a narcissist to please [ _insert request_ ], and accept they probably won’t.
They refuse to accept and then they double down.
That’s why the gray rock method works because boundaries force you to walk away while going gray rock actually gets them to leave you alone even if through a discard but that’s really a win 😉 boundary enforcement just leads to ongoing war with the narcissist because it’s so important to win
Dont engage, manage your expectations. Remind yourself they dont care.
But they do care… enough to ruin your life if they get any kind of power over you!
Boundaries caused me to be physically attacked multiple times, threaten to have my things destroyed and stolen, lies spread about me to the point where I lost everyone. Being intrusive where they can pretend to help, only to rip it away for fun.
I cringe when people’s advice is, set boundaries, go no contact, cause when you’re dealing with a family of malignant narcissist’s, it’s the last thing that works. They even use abuse by proxy, where they literally have foot soldiers to keep the abuse going even after they die.
I want badly to just move towns as a boundary because distance IS a boundary and narcs don’t respect anything.
a bit of a waking nightmare, isn’t it?
@@m.d.1395That is a smart move, do it!
Setting boundaries didn’t work for me. It led to me being attacked and suffering loss. It did not set them straight at all. It made them worse.
If i didnt have kids id move to Australia and start a new life
This is a very difficult time in my life due to the narcissistic behaviors of others. This video was given to me as a message from God that it is not my fault. Thank you for being an angelic messenger. Your words were healing. God bless you. Please never stop sharing.
Yes I second that: thank heaven for Dr Ramani, good luck with freeing yourself as much as possible from the infestation!
DrRamani is a God sent gift to me as well.
Trying to set boundaries is what directly led to them threatening violence against my (at the time) two year old.
They haven’t met them for a ✨reason✨
Yes, in certain situations, even legal boundaries can escalate violence.
The best parents tell their kids “you must think for yourself” and that leads to developing sense of responsibility
Didn’t work with me. My narc parents said that all the time but didn’t give me the skills to take care of myself beyond cleaning and hygiene.
When you’re with the right person, sometimes you don’t even have to verbalize your boundaries.
They don’t change people but you change when you honor your boundaries
When you talked about diaries having locks, I had a flashback to when I got my first diary. It had a lock, and I remember thinking how odd…a book with a lock. The lock didn’t matter though, my narcissist mother always seemed to know EXACTLY what I wrote. I kept the key in a certain place, and found it odd that she knew what I wrote, when I never told her. …when I put pieces together that she was reading it, and telling the rest of the family about it, I moved the hiding place for the key. After that, she couldn’t find it, and her rage against me grew stronger. I didn’t know why at the time, since I was so young, at age 8, but looking back now, that’s why.
Trying to set boundaries.. was threatened that they’d burn down the house… since they can’t have it they’ll destroy it
My mother gave me a locked diary. I later learned they come with two keys. Mine only came with one. She read everything I wrote daily. I set her up one day, and made up some wild story in it. And she was stupid enough to nonchalently bring up the story. To this day, she denies ever reading it.
My mother did the same…as well as my ex-husband….I now have privacy issues
Good for you! What a psycho to grow up with.
Mine did the same read my diary and mocked it in her gossip circle. I hate writing in any journal now. I paint instead. She can’t decipher the visual language unique to me.
Can’t decipher, n doesn’t even know u r saying anything. That’s e ticket. 🙂
The eye roll that accompanied “You just need to set boundaries…” 😂 YES. A thousand times yes. The problem was never that I didn’t set boundaries. The problem was that my ex got off on violating my boundaries. It made him feel powerful.
He loved when others tried to set boundaries with him, because it gave him something to rage about. Not just with me – out in public as well. It was gasoline on a fire.
The worst is feeling like you have to pretend nothing bad happened, as the narcissists never take responsibility for their bad abusive behaviour. It’s so hard to be at family dinners pretending things are ok when they are not. No one wants to face or deal with it and it’s horrible. Focusing on the truth, my life, my identity and my healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr Ramanai ❤
@costelloandlizzievolk2233: Yes, and the burden of a lifetime of dismissing their lack of accountability becomes heavier as the years pass.
Thank you for this! When my mother was alive, she was extremely intrusive. We children were her property and supply. I used to dread holidays, because they were a nonstop barrage of criticism and manipulation. I withdrew from my family system, and took a lot of flak for it.
I had to laugh when you brought up what an intrusive narcissist does in your home. Years ago my mom came to visit and rearranged my entire kitchen while I was at work. When I confirmed her about it, she smiled at me and said, “But dear, it makes everything easier to find this way.”
By the way, moving three days’ drive away was the most effective boundary I was able to set.
My mother has become somewhat forgetful but yet she can remember everything and anything ive said or done that pinged her. Anything she has said is whoosh ed away and sneered at. Character assassination and contempt for me being ill, rewriting history, then expecting me to spend time with her. All my life I felt guilt and bad for her being ill, then when I became ill totally different story. Narcissists are so self centred but they’ll tell you that you’re selfish whilst they eviscerated you paper cut by paper cut.
Setting boundaries only gives them what there gona do next to you. This just came up yesterday in group
If you —-, then I will —.
They will trample over every single boundary u set. That’s y “then” is so important. It has nothing at all 2 do w/ them n is entirely about OUR actions.
That begs e question of going NC, but if there is no “then”, they will gleefully ignore any request u make of them.
“Don’t engage” is such an important mantra that can’t be repeated often enough.
I am trying my best to not explain my boundaries to narcissists anymore. They see others’ boundaries as welcome opportunities for land grab; let them know where your boundaries lie, and narcissists will make it a point to constantly trespass onto your land in the hope that you will cede it to them bit by bit.
Munich 1938 on a family-sized scale
My boundaries were violently demolished.