How narcissists control YOU without SAYING A WORD
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
LISTEN TO MY PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts:
Spotify:
Stitcher:
iHeart Radio:
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
They control you covertly. They give you the creepy narcissistic stare. They’re always lurking over your shoulder, suffocating you with their presence. It creates this eerie atmosphere, where you’re left walking on eggshells around them. And they’re highly attuned to how their behaviour is affecting you. They deliberately try to make it awkward. It induces a state of fear in you. They can tell you to stop or to withdraw without even saying a word to you. Just by the look of their eyes, or by them invading your personal space.
This is so very true. It is incredibly difficult when it is a parent who has done this since you were a child
@user-mr3le4hs4e Or in my case,older aging only brother. Here s hoping we continue to heal!
Lurking!!! Exactly
So true. When my narcissistic husband is at home, it’s like there is an oppressive cloud of evil spread throughout our entire house. It’s extremely unsettling and it causes so much stress. 😢
My oh my, dealing with a Narc. is such an everyday burden caused by (in-)visible loads chucked at the one on the receiving end.
The invisible yet burdensome expectations…
This conversation is so important!! It’s so hard to explain why we do what we do.
People don’t seem to understand that adults CAN be under duress. We aren’t under lock and key, but it does feel very much like we cannot get out, like there are no other choices.
Yes!!! ❤
Never tolerate someone who confuses lack of empathy towards somebody else with objectivity.
“Coersion steals freedom”, and it’s so true that a lot of that coersion is unspoken. That’s why it’s so hard to explain to ourselves and other people WHY the narc has so much power over us. It’s absolutely crazy-making! And so hurtful and confusing when victims are blamed for “staying when it’s so awful”. Unless you’ve been in this type of relationship, it’s hard to understand the power dynamics.
After almost 30 years of relationship with my husband, I finally met someone who believed and understood what my life looks like. Finally I start to acknowledge what happened. This was the beginning of a long process of getting help from the right people to break free safely.
I’m still on the process, but I am getting there into real freedom ☀️
Anyone out there who is struggling with a covert narcissist- I believe you and I know that you can get help and free yourself 🌟
Here’s a weird example from my own life.
I, myself, am a well over 50, married woman with adult children, and one day while visiting with my mother, she noticed a little nick on my thigh and asked how it happened. I told her I must’ve cut myself shaving. She cut her eyes at me, hard, and said in her most authoritative parental tone “You’d better NOT be shaving your legs above the knee, EVER! You know better than that! Shame on you – the very idea!”.
I’m so glad I found you, Dr. Ramani, because even a year ago, I would’ve shame spiralled over remarks like that. In this incident, I said nothing and let her venomous dictate hang in the air – and I didn’t feel in the least ashamed. Instead of shame, I congratulated myself on 1) being aware of the bad behavior, and 2) not reacting to it, thus keeping my emotions controlled.
I recently learned that Controlling is not synonymous with Caring. (I know, ‘duh’) I was raised to believe the harder you are controlled, the harder you are loved. Sometimes, my brain still feels like a tangled mess of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’, but I am grateful for the gift of now being AWAKE and being the arbiter of my own truths.
I am here to shout from the rooftops to everyone who can hear me: MARY SHAVES ABOVE THE KNEE – and I’ve done so for 50 years!
I eont get how they think they can say snipey horrible things and then you’ll be all loving. My mother swings between hateful comments and sweet which feels sickly to me.
Beautiful. Thank you!
Same here!! I love your comment here. Excellent!
And I don’t have to shave them at all if I don’t feel like it!
YESSSS ESPECIALLY control means we care. Noooooo
So true and important to understand. Wish people got it. They always say “I never asked you for this”, it’s all just your problems.
So Brilliant and so Powerful. Please keep sounding like a broken record, Dr. Ramani. “When Love meets Coercion, that’s what we call the Trauma Bond. We slowly give up ourselves in the name of Attachment and/or avoidance of Conflict”. The hardest part is that it’s so subtle we’re not aware of it happening until we watch a video like this one or someone brings it to our attention. If we had a dollar for every time they said, “I never said that”.
The looks: eye-rolling, head shaking, body turning away, facial expressions – I never felt so dismissed with so little direct verbal communication….
Yep, I get all of those as well as a lot of angry mumbling. I don’t think she’s reciting her rosary prayers though.
Or looking you up and down
All of that!
The twitch of the jaw muscle, the scoff, a tremor in thw hand or arm…..
@@donnamorley1040 the knitting of the eyebrows
Every interaction – EVERY interaction is a bid for their dominance, no matter how subtle you are presented with yet another “go along or cause a problem.” There is no balanced exchange. Over a period of decades this just wears a person down. They are a bottomless pit of need. The slightest step back or limit becomes a major infliction of pain on them. These videos are just on target for me because I must have at least a little contact, now whittled down to only the most necessary communication. They even make that a muddled hell.
Yes, Doctor Ramani! How my narcissistic mother did it? It’s her displeasure look. That looks made me obedient. Avoid her wrath at all cost. She doesn’t need to say a word to make me cower.
Unspoken contempt smothers us
Being with a narc is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t reality unfortunately
Someone is finally talking about it. Thank you Dr. Ramani! 🙏🏽
“I never said you couldn’t leave home”
“If you were really so miserable you should have left years ago”
That’s exactly it. It’s a wonderful validation to hear you describe my experience Dr Ramani. I can’t explain that to anyone who hasn’t been there and exactly as you say, I blame myself. “It’s Not You” – the most beautiful words and if I could fully belive it, I would be free.
This is one of Doctor Ramani’s best videos. She nailed it in so many ways!
This is possibly the most important video I’ve ever watched. I’ve never known there was a phrase for this until today. Thank you so much for this video, Dr.
You are describing my miserable three decades of being married to a narcissistic spouse. This video is spot on.
It’s the “unknown knowns” that bury you. Like Pavalov’s dog -you only have to shock that puppy *a little* to convince her that she can’t leave -ever. It’s the silent scowls, the mocking laughter, the smug grins, and the “long-suffering” sighs that convince you that you’re “too much to love.” They keep you tied down with the invisible threads of responsibility, the “chores” that you have to do, the filial responsibilities of your siblings, and the expectations of *your* future success so that you can “keep *them* in the style to which they wish to become accustomed”. It’s the books that you should have read, the films you should have seen the colors you should have loved, and the dreams that you should have dreamed that slowly kill *you*