How Narcissists Hijack the Word “Authentic”
Is it authenticity—or just narcissism in disguise? In this video, we break down how narcissistic people twist the concept of being “authentic” to excuse harmful, entitled behavior. You’ll learn why true authenticity requires empathy—and why discernment is more important than ever. If someone in your life claims “this is just who I am” while hurting you, this is a must-watch.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Coercive control, you said this, could you elaborate on this I’ve been researching this. 🙏
Here’s a video: https://youtu.be/lnj15y1dUDw
Just because someone had a difficult childhood or adult abuse doesn’t make it okay for them to abuse you. Never forget that abuse is never okay.
@sparkygump Exactly this!!! I have longtime friends of my ex making excuses for his behaviour by saying it’s only natural for him to be screwed up considering his childhood. This just states that he doesn’t have to be accountable as an adult because of his upbringing. What makes this worse is the fact that my ex claimed he had done so much work on himself to become a better person. He even stated that I wouldn’t have liked him at all before. I should’ve seen that as a major red flag. 🚩
I’ll never understand why people think it’s okay to abuse because they were abused. There’s NO excuse!
Amen!
You have your own value. You have your own purpose and important stages of development. So, for a narcissist to try to use instead of appreciate and ruthlessly manipulate to support their preditory false image. This is an act of a zombie without spiritual connection. A being with real empathy and soul/true self connection won’t do this intentionally, although everyone makes mistakes. We screw up. But the narcissist can’t face their own shame and grow/improve. Your responsibility is to your personal soul connection and the exploration of what is beyond.
@@andron967 Very well said!
I wish I had paid more attention to this years ago, and not let their personal definition gaslight me. Being authentic doesn’t mean they’re given permission, and a free pass, to be an a**hole.
They get everything wrong. On purpose. Unconditional love to them means, they get to abuse you and you have to love them without holding them accountable. Boundaries to them are rules that you must abide by or rules they abide by to punish you. Kind words/deeds are twisted to be evil. And whenever they do something wrong, you’re the one who did it. And so help me if you make the smallest of mistakes, it is a major blunder that will never be forgotten nor forgiven.
Brilliantly said!
As always, thank you, Dr. R. I wish you were around when I was younger. I spent decades and decades in absolute confusion and I can only think of one counselor who even came close to understanding what the hell was going on in my life. I can best be described this way: If I said the sky was blue but you said it is green, you would never get me to agree with you but I would spend a hell of a lot of time thinking about it.
My mother would always huff whenever people disagreed with her. She would say “they just don’t like that I’m so straightforward and genuine, that I tell them the truth they don’t want to hear”. She was a big fan of Edward de Bono and would call it “black hat thinking”. It all makes a lot more sense now.
This topic goes hand in hand with,”I’m not responsible for how you feel or how my words make you feel. You are responsible for your own feelings.” And,” I’m not going to walk on eggshells worrying about how my words make you feel.”… from my ex trauma therapist.
Had a similar experience with our “trauma informed “ couples counselor who implied that my being disrespected and feeling invalidated due to my ex-husband’s multiple multiple affairs and hook ups was a “me problem.” I needed to work on where my value came from😮. Such BS! I value my self and expect my partner to do the same. So sorry you had a similar experience with emotional manipulation from a narcissist as well as a therapist who obviously has no clue.
I have pondered this.. the fine line between authenticity and a$$hat.. authenticity is a spectrum in my view, and being stoic does not compromise being real. We are always free to speak our minds but it never has to be rude. So we are also free to bear the consequences of saying stupid stuff. Social norms folks.
This one really hit me because I’ve seen firsthand how narcissists twist words like “authentic” to justify manipulation or deflect accountability. It creates this false narrative where their harmful behavior gets masked as “realness.” Sacred Narcissism by Lara Rock dives deep into how language gets weaponized in toxic dynamics and how easily we can start doubting our own truth. Learning to recognize the difference between authentic and performative behavior changed everything for me.
Such a Brilliant and Important conversation. Just because someone says they are “just being Authentic” when they are being invalidating, manipulative, and unapologetic, doesn’t mean we have to be a captive audience and applaud their “Authenticity”. So good!
Authenticity is not audacity, brashness or thoughtlessness. Authenticity is speaking/presenting from the soul, the id, the vulnerability of who one really is, with all the hurt, pain and love that goes with that. Dark hearted people are not authentic but putting up an emotional wall to actually avoid being authentic.
Authentic doesn’t mean permission to be unkind.
When it comes to social media, you have to distance and guard yourself. An opinion coming from someone who has your best interest at heart matters. But when it comes from a person who is trying to destroy others, it’s a hard NO for me. I have a hard time with people lying on others and the ones praying on people’s vulnerability.
I know. Look at how many people patrol just for an opportunity to insult strangers
I have STRUGGLED with trying to be authentic BECAUSE my narcissist framed his horrific behavior as authenticity. And since hes being authentic I was the bad person in therapy because I wasn’t safe to be anything but a shell. Oh my god.
Thanks for all you do! You’ve made such a positive impact in my life.
Thank YOU so much for your generous support! So glad my work has been helpful!!
Hit the nail on the head. My ex-boss did this all the time. He was “just being himself” and “no one let him be himself” (boo-hoo, poor him), when he was told the things he said and did hurt everyone around him but none of us could say anything even remotely truthful or could possibly hurt his poor wittle ego and end up triggering him. No one could be themselves around him forcfear of setting him off but he ranted and raved how he wanted to be himself and other people couldn’t tell him he couldn’t be himself.
I believe it’s the root wound. This is just a theory. I’ve seen it in two people, Extreme emotional need + neglect/abandonment = rupture of self, usually in childhood. Thats the pattern I keep seeing. I’m sure the compounded transactional love (breadcrumbing) helped reinforce the personality.
Thank you for sharing this. I was taught that to be authentic was to be sincere and honest (in regards to oneself and their values in life), and was confused when you said that there were people who see being authentic as being straightforward and direct. It makes sense now though so thank you for sharing
Very interesting expression of Ramani, feels like healing flow.
Funny. That is exactly what I heard some people say about some psychopaths celebs. I feel like some people mistake being rude and sociopathic with ‘authentic’