How narcissists make disasters all about them
A disaster takes everything out of you—physically, emotionally, mentally. But when you’re also dealing with a narcissistic person, the crisis isn’t just about survival—it’s about managing them. Their entitlement, their rage, their need to blame, their complete inability to see that everyone is suffering, not just them. If you’ve ever gone through a crisis with a narcissist, you already know—this is a whole different kind of disaster.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Every. Single. Thing. If I have a stressful day at work, or dealing with the kids, he always has it worse or starts talking about his day, and how painful it is. It’s exhausting.
Covert narcissists are the *consummate victim* or their “people” are the most victimized ever. It’s a major narcissistic injury for them when some one, or some other community, out victims them.
Their, needing to be the biggest victim, makes it impossible to take your problems to them. So you suffer without support. It sucks.
That’s the problem I had with some of my ex’s. It didn’t matter how bad of a time I was going through, they always had to spin things around to have all the attention be about them. “My dog died.” “Well, I might have surgery coming up.” That never even happened! You’re just not allowed to have emotions.
Always a contest with them about who has it harder in life. They want the pity prize so they can get more attention because it has to be about them ALWAYS. It’s pathetic and at times really disgusting.
Fantastic Replies here!
It really is true, be nice because everyday you come across someone who is suffering silently.
I sincerely am happy that your pictures, your family and yourself are all safe! ❤
Yh ❤
Raised by a narcissist, other parent absent due to her abuse.
Then I married one.
The Familiar.
I did the same. Never marry ‘familiar’ when you come from a instable home😵💫
Ditto. Except my dad just made excuses for het “that’s just how she was raised”. Never once occurred to him to protect his children
I was raised by a narcissist. Sorry to hear your other parent was absent and you married one. I was fortunate to have a beautiful father to grow up with who was my best friend. I miss him a lot but I will appreciate having him forever. It’s the guy in my pic I thought I’d add. Keith. Good luck going forward Kathleen.
@@Picca65I hope you are well too. You have a very beautiful smile 😊
@@PinkLloyd88 Thank you.
“If people bright side you disengage.” Deep Sigh. DR. THANK YOU.
I’m so happy you posted this video, Dr Ramani. I’ve been contemplating my decision to go NC after a call I had with my folks. I only called to ask for help, and I got into a minor accident. No one hurt! But as I’m trying to give them information and talk, they tell me they dont like my tone and demmand I apologize for talking to them like that? I’m 24, and they’re across several states; THATS the thing you two are worried about? Not once were they empathetic, not once asked how I was holding up, not even an empty sorry. I cried 3 weeks after just from their response alone because I felt crazy for even asking my parents for help and what was wrong with my tone. I have flashbacks and nightmares now that I’ve gone NC, but I can’t go through that life again.
The last tail end about going through the emotions of healing the trauma is very important and I hope everyone out there looking for their healing path may find it. We made it, we’re worth it, and we are loved. ❤
My husband said “awww they had it coming. I don’t feel sorry for them.” But of it happened to him… you would never hear the end of it. I’m so tired!! I’m glad you’re ok. I feel for all those who suffered loss.
Im so sorry that the fires hit LA and destroyed so much.
So true about narcissists in disasters. My narc mother was in deep denial about a tornado that ripped through our city. She was standing on the back deck watching the F4/5 tornado get closer and arguing with 10yo me about going into the basement to shelter (she complained at me as I hauled the cat downstairs) then followed me, telling me how stupid I was. As the tornado got closer, we could hear it sounding like a freight train. My mum suddenly screamed “my jewelry” and ran upstairs to rescue her rings.
Thankfully the house didn’t get hit, but almost 100 ppl died and a lot of the city was ruined. Mum spent months minimizing the disaster and making fun of me for wanting to hide.
It was scary – I thought she’d die, and I’d wind up in foster care.
WOW!! That is such an incredible story. Thanks for sharing!!
Two weeks ago, I found out my brain tumour has returned.
I was talking with my ex about our daughter’s wedding, and said my tumour was back.
He literally said, “I’ve got to figure out how this affects me.”
AFFECTS HIM?!
Lost my job recently, had to cut back hard and budget for the unknown time scale of getting a new job…and my narcissistic ex sought money from me for an allotment, her cooker being fitted, wanted me to lavish on her for food.
And I remember the day I had 2 job interviews…and being told I didn’t know what I was doing and why did I bother?
Such love, support and validation…in opposite world. 😢😂
I messaged an old school friend to tell her that another friend’s parent has just passed away. Her response was “Her mom was never nice to me.” 🙄 I have to remind myself of these moments and interactions just to prove to myself what kind of person I’m dealing with. It’s so sad.
Glad you and your home are physically safe. Please remember to take your own advice.
35 years later he still tries to use the decisions I made against me. Of course he never had anything to say when I was making them alone.
Going through traumatic events with narcissists is like trying to cope and survive with one arm tied behind your back, being blindfolded and ankle weights strapped on.
If you are unaware that they are a narcissist, you may not realize that the level of stress is WAAAY more intense than it has to be. You unknowingly attribute your high level of fear and exhaustion to just the event. Anyone who has discovered they are with a narcissist will look back at past terrible times and come to the realization that the narc made it 10X harder to get through. When you understand this, after surviving the aftermath, know how freaking STRONG you actually are! You’ve been going through life and everything it throws at you with a huge handicap all this time.
I have found that when the narcissist isn’t busy blaming the event on someone or lamenting how inconvenient it is for them, they go into “hero/martyr” mode and seek any opportunity to obtain admiration and attention to feed their huge ego.
My ex-husband would look for opportunities to look like a hero during a disaster. He would selectively help other people in grandiose ways. He would efficiently take care of any issues in the house during an emergency. But if it came to anything that would help me or his family, we were hung out to dry. We were crazy for trying to prevent or repair damages. He would be obsessed with other people’s damages. Either looking at them as opportunities to shine or maniacally laughing about someone else’s struggles
My sister did this. When I mentioned I’d checked on some elderly family friends she said “oh yeah I hadn’t thought of them” as in yes they’d be good to use and try and show I’m a hero, not : ‘are they ok, did they get much damage’ – zero empathy. She also hung me out to dry.
This is such an important conversation because natural disasters don’t just test our resilience—they expose the cracks in our relationships. When survival mode kicks in, people reveal who they truly are. Healthy relationships pull together in times of crisis, but in a narcissistic dynamic, the disaster itself becomes a stage for more control, blame, and gaslighting.
One thing I’ve seen time and again is how a narcissistic partner turns unpredictability into another weapon. It’s not just the disaster that makes you feel unsafe—it’s their denial, their rage at the inconvenience, their refusal to validate your fear. They’ll ignore evacuation warnings until it’s too late, dismiss your attempts to prepare, then blame you when things go wrong. And in the aftermath, instead of support, they demand it from you.
This is where a disaster can become an emotional breaking point. Because when everything is falling apart, the last thing you need is someone who makes it harder.
For those who’ve been through this—was there a moment when you realized the disaster wasn’t just external, but inside your home too?
Yup – was assaulted in a foreign country and had my throat slashed … the narc travelled 22 hours to my ICU bedside and proceeded to throw a temper tantrum in front of nurses and doctors who saved my life. I was so embarassed. The only saving grace was that they clearly understood it was his bad behaviour – as I was very grateful to them for saving my life.
wow that’s intense… I’m so glad you’re still here!!!
Leave it to a narc, how embarassing! I’m so sorry you had to go through that ):
This reminds me of when a tornado tore through our neighborhood. The devastation was unbelievable. So many people were on the HOA Facebook page complaining about when is the cable going to be back on, the power company isn’t working hard enough. On and on. Some people lost their homes and these people were bitching about their damn cable TV.
I finally went no contact with a relative after watching her make every death in the family about herself and taking all the oxygen out of the situations. The last death was an unexpected and tragic one and it was the last straw for me. No empathy for the dead or the relatives, just same old victim posturing and brooding resentment towards anything or anyone within her grasp.
Thank you for this timely reminder, Dr. Ramani. We have a cyclone bearing down on us, due to make landfall in the northern suburbs of Brisbane where I live this Thurs/Fri. As we make our preparations, I consider carefully the people in my life who are close friends, allies, and potentially people in need. I lost my home in the flood here in 2022, and feel comparatively safe this time around. But I am reminded of all the wonderful friends (and strangers!) who helped out back then, and the one ‘friend’ who did nothing, protested that they were busy being a hero elsewhere, and made it all about them.
It sounds like you’re in a very intense situation right now, preparing for the cyclone while balancing your own safety with concern for others. Losing your home in the flood back in 2022 must have been incredibly hard, and it’s completely understandable that both the support you received and the lack of help from that one person still resonate with you. Your thoughtfulness in considering who might need assistance shows just how compassionate and resilient you are. I’m sending you strength and care as you navigate these preparations—please make sure you take moments for self-care amidst the chaos. How are you holding up with all of this?
Aw, thanks for your kind words! I’m holding up just fine. Pretty equanimous, I guess 😄 We’ve prepped as much as we can, and the rest is up to Mother Nature. Helps that this isn’t our first rodeo, and we’ve figured out who’s who at this point 😅 We’ll have a candlelit cyclone party if/when the power goes out🕯💃🍹Also helps that we live quite far up the hill, which will spare us the worst of the flooding (which will hit our region worse than the winds). We’ll hopefully be able to offer a safe haven to others 💙
@ It sounds like you’ve got everything under control and a really inspiring attitude too. Your equanimity, humor, and preparedness are amazing—turning even a potential power outage into an opportunity for a candlelit cyclone party shows your resilient spirit. It’s wonderful that you’re not only looking after yourself but also planning to offer a safe haven for others. Sending you lots of positive energy as you ride out the storm—Mother Nature may have her plans, but your readiness and community spirit are truly uplifting. Stay safe and keep shining!
So glad that you, your family & your home are safe
Blessings and prayers Dr.Ramini ❤