How narcissists play the forgiveness game
Do narcissistic people ever truly forgive? They might say they do—but behind closed doors, they’ll bring it up again and again, sometimes for decades. Narcissists love to virtue signal, pretending to take the high road while holding lifelong grudges and seeking quiet revenge. Forgiveness for them isn’t healing—it’s performance, power, and punishment.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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You forgive. They keep score.
There it is
Exactly
Yep. Forever.
Yes! Love this !
Exactly
I forgive myself for believing in them. I don’t rush into trusting them again..
What would be the point of engaging in trust with a Narcissist. We are playing with fire 🔥 when dealing with a narcissist and there is absolutely no way to win. RUN!
“Little You did something to the Great and Wonderful Them.”
I love 💕 this visual.
This is wonderful communication Dr Ramini, and the humor is perfect. 😊
Predatory people have a tendency to push the topic of forgiveness, they love to state “forgive” while sitting there with a malicious grin on their face. You are also never to bring up that subject again or they say you didn’t forgive and you are the one that is at fault. They pretend to forgive to keep the door open to “get you back”. There is also a difference between a mistake and intentional malicious wounding.
I can understand why people cannot let things go, especially if your existence is still affected by what they did. Example: Husband takes out second mortgage on your house and you lose your house and are daily living in a dump because of this deceit.
Our forgiveness of them means wiping the slate clean with zero accountability on their part and don’t you dare bring it up again. Sounds more like enablement to me. Nah, I’ll pass, thanks.
Right. I tried to forgive…..but it was really hard. Then it happened again and again….. I had to give up.
I remember being a child and saying something clumsy about my father Infront of my grandparents and my father took me aside and said “I can never forgive you. Never. Never”. I was very confused and it made me feel unsafe because his behaviour was more childish than how i would have handled it. Later i started noticing that I was being more adult than him and it was traumatic to experience my father as another child in the family.
I don’t forgive, I move on and never look back. I am my own example of being able to heal from my past narcissistic toxic relationships.
There’s absolutely no point in forgiving someone who keeps doing the same thing and doesn’t learn from what they did, because they really don’t care. Staying with someone who doesn’t forgive you, when you genuinely apologize and learned from your mistakes because you do care, is the BIGGEST MISTAKE you can make.
Forgiveness is for you not for them
@@carolajohnson1609 “You absolutely can heal, if you don’t forgive” Dr. Ramani
“You absolutely can heal, if you don’t forgive”. Dr. Ramani
But we can let go, set boundaries and move forward. That’s a way of healing. I believe forgiving is a way of freeing ourselves of poison and healing. It’s more for us than them. But if they aren’t going to change we can do these other things to help ourselves heal.
@@carolajohnson1609🎯
if someone can’t take any accountability on their betrayals/actions, i don’t forgive. Even if they try to “start again” it’s too late. To me, if they can’t see how they’re actions have hurt me, tried to manipulate and gaslight how i should feel. they only serve themself, no matter the situation so however they act will never be genuine to me ever.
i will never forget when they said “it’s MY special day”… on my wedding day. it really sums it up
They don’t forgive. They don’t care and hold grudges over small petty things and use it to punish us. Yet I am constantly pressured to ‘forgive’ whatever horrible unapologetic abusive thing they repeatedly do, to ‘be the bigger person’, only to be harmed by them again. Pressured to pretend everything’s ok for the ‘sake of the family being all together.’ So tired of the enablers also. Focusing on my well being. I matter too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My exact situation
And, they constantly unpack the same baggage. Good grief, let it go. Honestly, they love conflict.
I find it’s a great disservice to myself after the way she destroyed my entire being for her own entertainment as well as destroying my life by triangulating and preventing me from having important relationships. I find more vindication in not forgiving And taking my power back
For me ‘forgiveness’ of the abusive narcs means letting go of the pain and anger from their abusive behaviour for my well being. It does not mean letting them back in my life because of their repeatedly unapologetically abusive behaviour. Enablers don’t get that and pressure me to take the high road and have them in my life again because they’re family. Being ‘family’ doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. Focusing on safe people. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Narcissists see forgiveness as permission. The only sane choice is to walk away and go no contact.
exactly. only punitive action registers.
TRUTH
Amen to your comment! And that’s NOT having quiet revenge on them……
Also, you Can & Should forgive offenses but reconciliation is subjective with the people involved.
@Maureen-q4r Nicely said! You’re exactly right! 👍
True forgiveness requires repentance and a vow to NOT repeat the offense.
YES
My narc won’t forgive me for dating men BEFORE I met him. After 30 years he keeps asking me to help him understand and reassure he’s the BEST. He’s the worst: worst companion, worst lover. So I lied. Thank God I walked.
Someone once told me that they couldn’t forgive liars (my niece and a friend) …I told them everyone tells lies, it’s a survival strategy and to hate someone for doing something they themselves do is cruel…We all “get” that some lies are wrong. But that isn’t what you are talking about. Even if we don’t lie to others, we often lie to ourselves…in the end that’s a slow death. I am reminded of a Grateful Dead lyric. It’s from a song called “Althea” “honest to the point of recklessness, self-centered in the extreme.” I applaud your lie. You did what you did to survive the constant abuse and avoid a never-ending argument. An argument never of your making…but always the price your narc insisted you pay. Such an insecure person…jealous of ghosts…that’s pretty low. I lied too.
That’s properly deranged
Mine didn’t for being raped before I met him.
My first question would be, “What do you mean when you say ‘forgive’?
The first thing I was taught about forgiveness is that the injured party has to be able to tell their story and be validated before they can even consider forgiveness. They don’t need to tell the story and be validated by the person who injured them. (A good thing, since a lot of the time thw party who injured them won’t do anu such thing.) But someone needs to listen and validate.
Second is that forgiveness does not mean that what happened no longer matters. Forgiveness is a thing. Forgetting is not possible.
Third is that forgiveness does not mean a repeat is acceptable.
Fourth is that you dont have to tell the person who injured you that they are forgiven, and if you are distanced or NC, it doesn’t mean reconciliation.
Fifth is that you don’t have to forgive to heal. You have to heal to forgive. Maybe your healing journey leads to a place where forgiving is part of your healing. Maybe your healing journey doesn’t take you to that place. Your journey takes you where your journey takes you you.
Finally, it’s up to you whether you forgive. Even if you _are_ given a sincere apology, even if the person takes accountability, even if they truly change, you don’t have to forgive. Apology, accountability, and change doesn’t change what happened, and forgiveness is about what happened.
When people try to shame you into forgiveness, accuse you of holding a grudge, or tell you that you can’t heal without forgiving, 99% of the time they want you to shut up, not forgive. The rest of the time, they’re uncomfortable with the idea that anything is unforgivable.
You’re exactly right! 99% of the time the people who tell you to let it go and forgive, really just want you to shut up. I tend to distance myself from those people, too, because they’re uninterested in assisting me through my pain. It’s not that they don’t know what to do or say; I’ve done it for them multiple times, so they’ve had it modeled for them plenty of times! Never do they ask “What can I do to make you feel better?” or “Can you explain how you navigate conversations like this? I care, I want to help, but I’m not sure how.” They’re really only your friend when you’re happy and helpful. Screw them, too! 😡.
The ones who say, “Let it go”, have the most to gain if you do let it go. No accountability.
one of my lesser work narcs, “oh that’s so petty.”
She was responding to our group plan to ‘sign out’ the lounge kitchen, meaning the person signing was in charge of cleaning up the mess. Accountability.
I was stuck in the same cycle- attracting the wrong people, feeling frustrated and not knowing why. Book Superhuman Manifestation by Keezano gave me the wake up call I needed. It helped me understand attraction in a way I never had before. I made a few changes, and suddenly, I started attracting the right kind of people. That’s how I met my wife, this book really changed my life🙏🏼
To me, forgiving them means casting the burden they constantly manufacture unto the Lord. He takes vengeance beautifully, and it’s interesting to watch. I can love my enemies from a distance and enjoy going no contact. Plus: I’ve given my self the gift of getting rid of their yoke on me. Sure, I grieve, but I also have joy. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for all the insight you have shared: it is part of my healing journey.
Thank you for this video. though it brings up painful memories. At first i was with an abusive husband for 13 years of my life, then i left when i couldn’t bear it any longer, bear in mind i only stayed that long because of our kids. After two years of being single, i met the love of my life, and we had a fantastic first 5 months, then my PTSD kicked in and I did a lot of things because i wasn’t properly healed, and he left me. I realize now and i feel so empty and lonely inside. I love him.
I am terribly sorry to hear this, and trust me, i know exactly what you are going through, loosing someone you love is always tough, i have been there, and it wasn’t easy, but i did all i could to get her back, so I watched a lot of you tube videos especially coach Corey Wayne, Matthew Hussey and Doctor Ramani. I also used the services of a spiritual guide as well
Really?? how did you get a spiritual guide, and how do I reach him or her?
Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters, and she is an excellent spiritual guide.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online found her website. Amazing.