Is going NO CONTACT sometimes SELFISH?
Going no contact with a narcissistic or toxic family member is never an easy choice—and yet so many people minimize it as if it's casual or impulsive. This video pushes back on the harmful narrative that cutting ties with abusive families is trendy or thoughtless. It’s not about blame—it’s about survival, grief, and the long, painful road to clarity and self-respect. If you’ve ever felt guilt for stepping away from a narcissistic parent, this is for you.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I knew things were better for me post-estrangement when I stopped watching these videos. Realized I was actually finally indifferent.
I look forward to that day. I love Dr Ramani, but I’m sick of dealing with this every single day
@@aprilcampbell9747I don’t think it ever stops. It was this way (anxiety and bad feelings) before estrangement too – but at least now it’s because of a choice I made, not being a slave to some monster who says I have to be loyal
As someone who chose to stay away from her family: I have cried often wishing I could get a hug and some support from my mother or father, needing it, because life was hard at the time and I struggled alone.
Leaving them behind was a very difficult decision.
One nobody should be forced to make.
But I’m better off without them, unfortunately…
Same here. Wish you all the best!
Same here. Extended family refused to see their role in my mother’s BS too. I tell myself that leaving all of them behind was the price I paid to break the cycle. Not only for my sanity and my family’s peace but also the family my son would create someday.
Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. You deserved better.
I finally did that with my mom and my brother’s family 6 months ago at 54.I went no contact with my dad Christmas 2002 and he died during no contact in 2018.
Can totally relate. From the wholeness of my heart. I’m send you a big hug. Hope your doing well. Even though we don’t know each other. We’re still all connected through our relatable life experiences. May Peace Love and Respect always be with you. Scapegoat Warriors United
any advice when thinking and worrying about them at the same time?
absolutely not easy to leave, everything you said is true, still hoping but it’s too much of me to give, i wish i know how long it will take for all these feelings to be over and everything getting better
Exactly. I am 72 and have sought help since I was late in my teens. Everyone (friends, therapists, clergy) said I needed to get fixed. The best way I can describe it is that I was in a war zone and all these other people were outside the zone sipping ice tea in lounge chairs. I would come out beaten and bloodied. They would say “Good job, now get back out there.” At which point they would sit back down and continue sipping their ice tea. A couple of examples from “Christians” – “Go back there and save your family”, in response to telling a “Christian” I had been sexually abused by my father? “Have you forgiven him?” and the topper by way of explanation (I guess) for my father’s actions – “It feels good.” You want to clear a room, just tell people you were a victim of sexual abuse. You can feel them emotionally step back as if you had leprosy.
I’m so sorry you went through that! I’m 55 and 6 months estranged from everyone in my extended family. My pastor is my therapist and he absolutely supports me not talking to my family.
Some people think that they always have to fix something or someone but they don’t even try to understand what the situation is in the first place. It’s selfish and inconsiderate. It feels like they want a clear conscience so we must just forgive or forget. What a joke…
@@SuzanneSpicer-rg3jd I am so happy that people are starting to come around. When I was abused 6 people called me a liar (I was four years old). I often wonder how things might have worked out if only one person had said they believed me even if they said they were not going to do anything about it. When someone dies people are sympathetic. When people need to separate from family members there is just as much loss and grief but often we need to shoulder it alone.
I was sexually abused by my malignant narcissistic father I was barely two years old. I had a daughter in a short marriage by a no doubt child molester. My daughter wasn’t molested. But I post stuff on my facebook. My granddaughter forgets her childhood she’s 23 and her cousin , the lady my X married granddaughter. She has finally come forth telling she was molested but not by my X but by her mother’s brother son. There’s not a doubt in my mind my x molested his step daughter.. I’m wondering about the stepson now ? My x was definitely a narcissist I’m thinking a sociopath. I’m just continuing to post on fb .. I’m the victim yes an the horrible one. But I’m not going to go no contact with my daughter or granddaughter.. though I give them lots of space. I’ll just keep posting pissing them off and helping some I hope. I’m thrilled my granddaughters cousin has come forth telling! On fb theres a place to read and post it’s called Tell Someone! Not all narcissist are child molesters but a child molester is a narcissist.. boy does it get twisted!!
Great timing! At 43 years I went no contact with the covert narcissist and my enabler mother last month and it has been absolutely amazing. I was about to go this many times but always felt a bit sorry for my mum so I got back to them time and time again. The last time she did such a backstab and I got to realise how toxic she is, too. Maybe a victim also, but she had a choice and not even once stood up for us.
I feel so much more calm. It is great. Finally I chose me for once and my only regret is that I waited so long, but I guess it has to ripen so I could be 100% sure to kick them out of my life. But it was not easy. Absolutely not.
Unfortunately, so many estranged parents are bewildered when children go low or no contact; they just don’t get it. It severly pisses me off when I hear them say, “I did the best I could.” Which I reply with, “Did you really?” Everyone can do better, be more self aware and less judgmental, but that is a choice and most people cannot get past their own egos to do it.
They’re dumb
They cannot get passed their own egos to do it because of enablers and flying monkeys surrounding them for approvals and validation. Only unhealthy, emotional immature people would behave this way.
Circumstances aren’t black or white for every situation or family dynamic, so applying cookie cutter logic here isn’t a good idea. Understand that and you’ll understand why some estranged parents think that way.
I know a mother that was told by her daughter in law + point blank – that she just didn’t have the energy or the interest in getting to know her in law family. She hasn’t spoken to or seen his family in years, and there are children involved now. THAT’S just lazy. It’s not always the parents.
My moms best friend has an adult daughter who left her. The mom would say she was just mentally ill. I learned later the daughter had simply had enough of her mom’s abuse. We realized our moms were the same and we bonded over the shared pain of no one believing us. I had known this mom for most of my life & not realized she was the same as my covert mother. I always felt they were way too close for some reason, it all started coming together for me… they were both deeply wounded and supporting their own twisted victimhood fantasies. Self-mothering.
Its all around us.
@@occallieWhat are you doing posting the same reply to multiple comments? Smells fishy.
Feeling bad after going no contact doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It’s not weakness. It takes strength to choose yourself and protect yourself.
Did it. It’s not great, but it doesn’t keep me safe.
I was a min in and saying out loud, the folks who just cut off people over one thing they didn’t like are the folks we’re agonizing over wanting to stay connected with but needing to be distanced from in order to heal. No contact is never easy or a quick choice. It’s years and often decades of mistreatment (to put it mildly) and finally reaching a breaking point of, it’s me or them.
I went no contact with everyone in my extended family at 54 6 months ago and it’s so hard! I think about my mom every day.
@@SuzanneSpicer-rg3jdI’m so sorry. I feel you. It’s been six years for me with my mom and I still feel guilty and especially still wish things could be good. And find myself wondering if I messed up and what’s wrong with me that I can’t figure out how to make it work. And one of my sisters still acts like I’m the problem for not responding when she reaches out without a single apology or acknowledgement of the most recent betrayal which once clearly stated many many times. It’s hard to deal with obliging grief of this kind. Sending you so much peace and rest and comfort and healing! ❤❤❤
@@orielwiggins2225if this can help you , I wish I had gone no contact. But I just didn’t know better! My father the malignant narcissist before his death. Completely turned my whole world upside down again. My trauma bond got a double whammy! I feel I’m working on two trauma bonds now. Mann if you made the break that’s probably the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself!! ❤
My “no contact” decisions are the healthiest for every part of my well being. These decisions are never made in haste. They are well thought out.
There is only so much effort one can make with someone else, family and non family, and then it comes down to making a very emotionally mature decision such as going no contact.
There is no heaviness on my shoulders and heart… ❤❤❤
I went no contact with my dad who has a history of violence. (He was groping me at the time and physically abused multiple family members including me.) He managed to find out who my therapist was and emailed her. People kept telling him that he just needed to have a talk with me to straighten out “misunderstandings”. I got pressured into working towards reuniting with him. I’m low contact with him, but I know that for the safety of my future kids that I’ll need to go no contact.
Best decision I made. Especially after having kids, the choice was much easier. They will keep chipping away at you. My dad still comes by my house at times and it now feels like stalking or sends a card on my birthday – I send it back. It gets easier. With time I have understood that no contact isn’t wrong, except ONLY to the person who is harming you.
You will never know how much you have helped me for years. Thankyou so much❣️
Ive reached to point in my healing, where, I just don’t care anymore. Not in an angry way, I just don’t care.
that i SO hope to feel
I got there too. 15 years made that possible.
I have gone no contact with my mother since the end of April. Unfortunately, this also included my father. I have tried to please my mother my entire life, and we were never allowed to upset my mother.
It has been difficult , my mother has had mental health issues all her life, she now uses as an excuse for her behavior. Any time she has gone for help she gets rid of the professional as soon as they told her something she didn’t like. She enjoys being the victim and blames her family and my father for all her misery.
I couldn’t take it any longer. At 57 , i can’t be responsible her emotional well-being any more.
I’m no contact as of 6 years this month. There are hard and easier times, but I can tell you the peace I’ve received outweighs the hardship of stepping away. From extended family, I’ve learned my mom has only gotten worse and is making really poor decisions. It saddens me, but I know it’s best for me to stay away.
My best friend just died. She stayed with her abusive mom.
The daily multiple forms of abuse manifested in her body.. cancer..
In her last months the Narcissistic mother cut her off from her phone & isolated her from friends. I couldn’t reach her.
And after she died, this evil woman notified me after her funeral. She refuses to share where she is buried & the mother is keeping up an image online showing she’s still alive.
Her reasons: Anyone outside of her religion “cult” shouldn’t associate with her daughter.
My best friend never got to marry, nor have children. She couldn’t get out of the cycle. She tried thousands of times & every attempt of hers were sabotaged.
She was made to believe this mom would die without her support & she could not “abandon” an abusive woman that destroyed all those around her.
I wish she had cut off this toxic person. I sincerely believe she would be alive today. 😢
may this SAD SAD story inspire us all to speak up to our friends when they ‘have this going on’, often we don’t dare to speak (especially when our parents were ‘like that’… better to lose a friend, and saving their life than that… what an evil person that mother is… devostating
😮😮😮
They waste our lives, time, energy and love. They do nothing positive, just destructive.
So painful !!!
It’s not so much as ” selfish” , it’s more “Self Preservation “!!!!!! When you are left with that decision, it’s not just bad, it’s dangerously worse. I hate victim blaming 😒
Yes it is is self preservation. It’s hard to go no contact with someone that you love and care about. I’ve had to do that with my adult daughter, who was raised by a narcissist to be a carbon copy of her own disordered personality. She is 30 now and has done so much to hurt my current in forever bride. I think about her every day and wonder if there might be something I could possibly do to repair our relationship. But I’m not the one who did all the damage. She launched a vicious smear campaign against my wife and I about three years ago that went on for well over a year before we even found out about it. By then, several relationships that we cared about deeply had already been damaged or ruined outright. Our reputations in our community and among people that we cared about, also damaged. By outright lies and distortions. We never did that to her. We would never treat someone we cared about that way. But it felt very familiar. I dealt with that in my first marriage for nearly 15 years to her mom. Same sort of treatment.Same sort of abuse. It was a miserable marriage to her mom, but it’s so much worse being treated this way by one of your own adult children.
Idk if Dr, Ramani knows how many lives she saved along the way with this free content, Thank you!
I’ve been holding her close since my separation. Coming up on a year! 😮💨 Dr. Ramani has helped me think about things more logically when I would feel overwhelmed with emotion.
@@lilbill88good job! 💪🙌
Preach. No contact is the final decision in an endless series of attempts to make the impossible possible.
It was the one thing that provided the space necessary to do the healing work.
The grief around the loss of that connection and realizing that your hope is so far away from reality is the price we all pay.
I’m sending this to my sister! She’s the oldest of my siblings and has struggled the most with setting boundaries with (or cutting off) our mother.
Your videos are a God-send for so many people who, for whatever reason, mental health therapy is out of reach.
I went no contact years before I knew it was an actual thing. I did it to protect my husband and children from abuse and manipulation. I was willing to put up with it for myself but I would not watch it happen to them . Years later my only regret about no contact is not doing it SOONER!
Well, I must say, the world of narcissism is a fascinating one. While many people are aware of overt narcissism, where individuals display grandiose behavior and seek constant attention, covert narcissism is a whole different ballgame. Covert narcissists are masters at hiding their true selves and manipulating those around them. And yes, they do have some rather peculiar habits that set them apart from the rest of us. One weird habit of covert narcissists is their constant need for validation. Unlike overt narcissists who seek validation through external means, covert narcissists have a more sneaky approach. They often fish for compliments or sympathy by subtly dropping hints or making self-deprecating comments. They feed off the reassurance and affirmation they receive from others, and this habit can become quite exhausting for those who have to constantly boost their fragile egos. Another strange habit of covert narcissists is their tendency to play the victim. They are skilled at playing the sympathy card and making others feel sorry for them.
They will twist situations to make themselves appear as innocent victims, even when they are the ones who caused the problem in the first place. This habit allows them to manipulate others into feeling guilty or responsible for their actions, ultimately gaining control over their emotions and actions. Covert narcissists also have a knack for gaslighting, which is a rather disturbing habit. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist distorts reality or denies certain events to make their victim doubt their own perception and sanity. They will subtly twist facts, change narratives, or even outright lie to make others question their own reality. It’s an insidious habit that can leave victims feeling confused, doubting themselves, and trapped in an emotionally abusive cycle. Lastly, covert narcissists have a peculiar habit of being overly sensitive to criticism.
They simply cannot handle any form of negative feedback or constructive criticism, often reacting with extreme defensiveness or passive-aggressive behavior. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe that they are above reproach. This habit can make it incredibly challenging to have any meaningful conversations with them or address any issues that may arise in a healthy manner. In conclusion, covert narcissism is a complex phenomenon that manifests in various weird habits. From seeking constant validation, playing the victim, gaslighting, to being overly sensitive to criticism, these individuals possess a unique set of traits that can be both intriguing and challenging to deal with. It’s important to be aware of these habits so that we can recognize and protect ourselves from their manipulative tactics. Moreover, I could’ve gotten hurt from the impact of been cheated on. I’m glad that i got to know ASAP, through digitalinvestigate@gmail. com and I appreciate the content you put out for us .