Is your ‘helper’ actually a narcissist?
This is the narcissist who brings you soup when you're sick—and then uses it against you later. The communal narcissist looks like a saint, but their help always comes with a price. You’re not crazy for feeling confused—because when someone helps you, it’s hard to believe they’re also hurting you. This video unpacks the messy, trauma-bonding tangle of the narcissist who needs to be seen as selfless.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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“To be emphatic is to be present with another persons emotional state”
Empathic
Had a friend who helped me in a hard time. Then I gave her advice, she stopped talking to me, mistreated me, lied on me and giving me the cold shoulder. This is one of the most dangerous people in the world because they use their goodness to “look good”. I made the decision to cut ties and move on.
Omg this just happened to me!! Wth I’m shook.
@yukiokuma8983 it’s a sad thing bro but the only thing I find peace in is that I didn’t do her wrong, with all the good she did for me i didn’t do her wrong.
@yukiokuma8983 stay strong bro, knowing your conscience is clean is all that matters. God will judge us all.
@safebet3953 I’m not religious but thanks
@yukiokuma8983 no worries
Yes! Bro is like that. Great to the world but so cold, distant with the fam. He is also tactless but laughs what he said off. I was duped for 40 years, admired him. Then I really saw him. Dr Ramani confirmed my doubts & put a name to it.
Simply put, they do things for others for themselves.
And many of these communal narcs are “godly” people. Ugh!
Couldn’t think of a better way of putting it.
@@scullerymaid9758
Pharisees. They nailed God to a cross (John 16:33)
Isaiah 53:10
Psalm 110:1
Genesis 22:8
Matthew 5:17 💯
Yes sad to say agree with your comment wholeheartedly.
They throw your past up in your face and accuse you unjustly of doing things you no longer do
You learn, they don’t
To “put you in your place” by reminding you of that, perhaps.
I had a friend like this, I tried for many years to maintain my boundaries but the dam finally broke when I asked for a specific kind of help. I was ghosted for this. Lesson learned.
PTSD is real, after my heart was shattered into pieces by the one who claimed we will be together forever. I drank myself to sleep every day for 3 months, I am 2 weeks sober now, and i joined a study group. The painful part is, I still love him. He did keep his words as he said he will never date or marry anyone else. we have been together since high school. My heart still aches..
I am terribly sorry to hear this, and trust me i know what you are going through, loosing someone you love is always tough, sometimes you blame yourself even when you are not the problem, i have been there, and it wasn’t easy, but i did all i could to get her back, so I watched a lot of you tube videos especially coach Stephan speaks, Matthew Hussey, Courtney Ryan, Alexander grace and Doctor Ramani. I also used the services of a spiritual counsellor as well.
oh wow?? how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do I reach him or her any tips?
Her name is Shelly Renee white, and she is a great spiritual counsellor.
Thank you so much, i will give her a try, i searched her name on youtube but found her website online, once again, thank you.
It will stop hurting eventually! It takes 3-5 years…
I swear this is my mother, a way to keep me down and control me for her benefit. So sick of it. She criticizes and hurts me knocking me down, then acts like the hero picking me back up. People think she’s such a saint, but I know the truth. I have always been strong and independent, I don’t need her help which is really just control. Not believing her lies. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I think when you’re dealing with a communal narcissist on a personal level they do these nice things to subliminally MAKE YOU feel beholden to them. Somehow, as a result of their great friendliness, they become elevated in status, and you become subservient. Almost as if they’re setting up a credit system, so that you owe them ‘so much’. And then that credit system gives them power over you; which they use to manipulate you or entrap you in their world.
As a child, when I heard adults talking about someone as being so sweet, so helpful, and wonderful, I thought I wanted to be seen that way too. I turned into a people pleaser / codependent. When I learned who I was instead of being who others needed me to be, that balance helped me turn off that desperation for outside validation, which is always a narcissists foot in the door.
This was one of the most emotionally complex and psychologically taxing relationships I’ve ever experienced. After three years, I made the incredibly difficult decision to walk away—but not without profound changes to who I am. The journey left me deeply disoriented, questioning my worth, and stripped of my sense of autonomy.
Over time, I stopped trusting my own instincts. I internalized a belief that I was incapable, helpless without her. Offers of “help” were often laced with subtle guilt or emotional strings, creating a dynamic where I felt indebted, small, and powerless—like a puppet whose strings she held tightly.
What was presented as care—what was framed as wanting the best for me—was ultimately a system of control and manipulation. It blurred the line between love and domination in a way that left me emotionally entangled and psychologically depleted.
Therapy has been nothing short of life-saving. It’s given me the space to reclaim my voice, to make sense of what happened, and to begin rebuilding the trust I lost in myself. Healing is ongoing, but I’m finally starting to feel like me again.
I experienced something similar. It took a lot of time to heal and restore faith in myself, but I’m better than ever because now I’m back on my purpose and I’m not naive! Keep going!
THIS! It has created in me a legit fear of asking for help.
💯
@jodyayers4592 no lie! The shame spiral of needing help doing stuff is intense
@ that is a big factor, but for me its not so much the shame spiral, its the fact that they want your right arm, left leg and first child. And if you dont lay down and die for them, because they gave you cheap trinket you didnt want, then they shame you as the worst thing to have ever walked the earth.
Pretty boho top ! 🌻
That’s why the principle “do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing” (Mt 6:3) makes so much sense. When our giving is performative, the motive becomes muddied.
Thank you for the reminder! Some Biblical wisdom makes such a difference.
@alrinaleroux9229 its a privilege when we can share what we’ve learned 😊 ‘nothing new under the sun,’ right?
She is so beautiful!!!!!!❤❤❤❤
It’s carefully craftilly hidden Control disguised as ” helping” which then gets thrown in your face later as soon as the narc feels they are losing control or the outcome of their ‘help’ didn’t go Their way .
Sounds like my parents especially my father. Once they offered to host my husband’s surprise birthday bevause their house was bigger. Then they didn’t let me choose the menu, shop for any items or decorations, my mom saying if this is my house, it will be done my way. I felt awful and it was too late to uninvite anyone… At the end all went very well Add to that the fact that my BPD/N husband later not only didn’t thank me for a big party including all his friends and family, but he actually apologized to my parents for my “unwise ” idea and inviting his friends to their house. He said I didn’t know how to throw a party… (I had singlehandedly organized our formal banquet wedding in a short time.)
My father would often ask me not to do something and wait for him because he’d “help” with that, then make me wait and/or beg.
It hurts to think about these memories.
Perhaps he’d intuited that that is what they would like to hear him say, so he said it. Something similar happened to me — I was humiliated in a completely over-the-top way by a close family member genuflecting to a narcissist. People can be so scared of narcissists that they bend over backwards to please and compliment them, even when they don’t have to.
The narcissistic supply is much sweeter when it also contains betrayal of the scapegoat. The narcissist will set up a scenario where the scapegoat trusts the narcissist will help and follow through and then the narc does a rug pull and the scapegoat is left high and dry at some crucial point. This situation usually has flying monkeys siding with the narcissist for added sweetness.
Helpers can help when their help wasn’t asked for or needed, thereby cultivating resentment. Famous Alanon line: “your helping isn’t helping”.
OMG this hit home as a disabled veteran with scleroderma. My wife was supposed to be my caregiver appointed by the Veterans Administration. We all know how that one ended. In short she had me thinking I was insane and would get locked up and she would keep all the benefits and become my fiduciary. She would always follow up with my healthcare providers with a narrative of just how good she was to me and how much she loved me.. so much so that she even got involved with my psychiatrist.
They are “always on” when it comes to impression management and shaping the thoughts others have about them. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine hard because you do genuinely need a caretaker. We are not taught to watch for toxic people in helping positions even though helpers are a cesspool of “low risk” evil people.
Praise His Holy Name
Sorry to hear this — I hope you’re free of her now.
Not a good psych if they are influenced by someone you as the patient don’t deem ‘safe’.
Oh no sir I hope everything is going better for you I’m sorry you’re going through that that’s terrible situation you’re in very very sorry.
@@alrinaleroux9229 I am. This channel is helping me with my daily walk and understanding of this complex disorder.
I honestly used to think the narcissist had good intent and then something would go wrong and it would end up being a bad situation for the scapegoat. I think I went through these mental gymnastics because the alternative seemed unthinkable, that the narcissist had bad intent and set up these situations to hurt the target. The narcissist would usually expect praise and thanks as well, things went wrong that were beyond their control but they still expected gratitude for “helping”.
I know one – she really wants to portray this image of being helpful and caring, as long as it is on her terms. She is extremely judgemental and a busybody, only for your own good, of course. She also loves to arrange social gatherings, as long as she does not have to put any work into it. She is really succesful at manipulating people around her to do her bidding through vulnerability and a “caring” attitude. You really nailed it with the description 💔
They’re out there.