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Thank you Dr Ramani for all that you do!! ❤
Brilliant topic. Thank you. Ultimately, we as parents need to love ourselves enough not to bad mouth any other person let alone the father of our children. I have been in a situation long ago when I craved that my children would see the truth about their father and how he so badly treated me. I now know that it doesn’t matter what they know. What matters is that I love them, that they know that and that they are safe and what they feel and how I support them and myself without using them at all is the only way to go. Xx
The most difficult part is to protect the children and also most important. The parent doesn’t really have any deep emotional connection with them.
Narcissist: Knock, knock…
Surviver: Who’s there?
Narcissist: IT DOESN’T MATTER, OPEN THE DOOR NOW!
WOWWWW !!!! Exactly!!!
There is nothing worse than seeing the confusion and disillusionment in your kids’ eyes and not be able to tell them how to handle it or why they experience that with their parent. If you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t; you might as well tell the truth while not telling all.
Talk about it without naming names. This behavior is not OK. If they say, dad does it, you can say, I know, I’m sorry that happened to you. This isn’t badmouthing the parent. It focuses on the behavior. Make sure to address your own mistakes as well.
Give the all love and support! Believe they understand and will be able to name it when they grow up. Mine did, but we still don’t name it. They call him toxic – and that is enough
I had that same issue, except it was because of my mother and thank goodness not my husband
My kids are 16 and 24. What if they are asking why their Dad is the way he is? They’ve caught him in many lies…
Mine is 15 unfortunately she’s found out for herself now 😏
You can talk to the 24 year old differently than the 16 year old. I’d say some people including your father has ways that may go against the norm or seem extreme. I’d empower them each time they have an issue and hopefully he’s not treating one as “the golden child” and one as the bad seed. My son is 13 year old and he’s speaking more openly about his feelings about his father.
Thank you. 🙏🏼❤️This is something I’m grappling with every single day 🙏🏼
Thank you Dr. Ramani.🙏 I actually just had to share an article with the other co-parent (narcissistic, separated) to show him why it’s not ok to comment on people’s bodies. Whenever my daughter is alone with him he body-shames her and calls them “jokes”. She’s just 12. Even though separated, I have to hang around during her visits to dad just to protect her. I have full custody (thank goodness) but as long as my ex can act “acceptable ” I’m ok cutting down on my weekend time to do my own chores to spend with them just so my daughter can see her dad but also feel protected. It’s a shame really. Body-shaming is not the only issue. He plans outings or sports that she may not like or may be unsafe, and he doesn’t give her a choice, even if she doesn’t like to take part in it. If she refuses, he calls her lazy (in front of her uncle, aunt, cousin). I understand he didn’t learn any better growing up, but it’s like he just doesn’t care. I’ve specifically asked him not to do these things many times. 😔
That’s SO unhealthy and mean! But so common in narcissistic families and in our Patriarchal, misogynistic culture. There is nothing about a little girls body that is any man’s business to look at or comment on. I’m sure her doctors can advise her IF it’s needed. Otherwise adults should shut up.
Looking back before you had your kid with him, may I ask you if there were any red flags that you missed?
I guess so. After our only daughter was born, he turned the tables on me. It was a painful but enlightening journey to learn (from therapists) what emotional abuse was, I read many books about it, and later while trying to find out more about my parents, I learned about narcissism esp through Dr. Ramani’s first main book on narcissism. My ex is more borderline but there’s definitely some narcissism in there.@@shar0n4321
My ex abused the children when they were too young to communicate. I caught him a few times so was afraid to leave him alone with them. Once they got old enough to report, he stopped and I could finally divorce. Narcissist fear consequences and especially exposure. They want everyone to like them while still being able to treat people like crap. Now his abuse is primarily emotional manipulation. He tries to make the kids feel sorry for him, as he once did me and so many others. He tries to make them feel like they owe him something when he does basically nothing for them. If you have to parallel parent with a narc, make sure you are countering the narc parent messaging. Make sure they know that they don’t owe anybody anything just for being born. It’s also important to own your bad behavior. I apologized to my children for the way I acted when I was married. I try not to talk about what he did. I just told them I was often sad but I was so grateful for them because they made me happy. Don’t waste any more energy on the narcissist than you have to.
💕same. All of that. Every line of it.
My daughter brought it to my attention when she was 13 that she thought her Dad is a narcissistic person. I had no idea there was a name for it. I began researching, and he met most of the descriptions of what a narcissist is. She’s almost 20 now and she sees through his actions.
I don’t want my children to KNOW their dad is a narc. I want them to KNOW that nothing is their fault.
This 100%
For years, I believed success in life was all about hard work and pushing myself. But Mind Decoding by Keezano showed me that true success begins with faith and mindset. When I aligned my subconscious beliefs with God’s plan, doors started opening in ways I never expected. Trusting in His wisdom and surrendering my struggles brought breakthroughs I had been chasing for years. I just wish I had read it earlier
thankss
Me personally.. after growing up not knowing that my mother was a narcissist and all the pain that I went through all those years… By not knowing who this person was and why this person was like they were why they were hurting me my own parent.. I think no matter who the person is, a child’s parent a family member friend it is not okay to not make aware to our children who people are and what to look out for in life. Especially today, what kind of mother would I be if I diminished who a person really was everything about them to paint a picture that was not real, leaving them to figure out and find out for themselves. If only someone would have told me would have warned me would have helped me. They have to understand that people are not okay in this world no matter who they are they do need to be aware. It doesn’t have to be in specific details but they need to know if a person is good or bad they need to be warned because they are our children and we are here to keep them safe and we are not here to just let them go in this world and have the pain that we have had because no one cared enough to tell us.
Really, in narc abuse- there’s no getting it right. They say when you learn it is your time to learn. So give yourself grace….and don’t embrace guilt. Dealing with grief is hard enough. Peace be with you
They’re all in a dark crazy place together
The worst part, for me, is the shame and guilt I feel over my kids being affected by my mental instability, caused by a decade of that relationship and the aftermath. My life, and myself, are in shambles and all I want is to take care of my kids and be all I can be for them. That’s what keeps me up sobbing at night.
I wish I had but too late now, and I’ll carry the guilt forever, although leaving wasn’t really an option in my case. It’s not for everyone and no two cases should be compared 😢 It’s the subtle brainwashing and manipulation that’s so damaging and you only really ‘see’ it once they’re adults 😔
I’m unfortunately living back home with my narcissistic father and have a daughter of my own. He thinks he has some kind of right over her and it DISGUSTS ME. I’m Grey rocking and he’s admitted to hating me because of it! Your videos have helped me over this period of my life. I’ve cried knowing that my feelings are valid and IM NOT THE CRAZY ONE!! Thank you for everything you’ve done! Your words have helped me so much 💖
I’d seriously check the laws wherever you’re at cuz I have been told some places do have “grand parental rights”. Make sure he doesn’t have any legs to stand on fr. I hope you guys can get away from him as soon as possible
I had to do the same with my mom. Grey rock is only short term, get away safely as soon as you can
I am a grandmother who was there for my grandkids. Their dad is on the narcissism spectrum and went further up when stress came. I entered the protective role when it became violent. I didn’t have to say much. They knew what it was about. I validated what they saw and experienced. They called him an alcoholic. I mentioned narcissism as they grew older. Now, five years later, I don’t see them at all. What happened shouldn’t have happened. I know that now, at 5 years ago, I didn’t know a thing about narcissism. Now I do, and it helps me process what happened. It was narcissism, alcoholism, and my own personality and background. There were/are flying monkies. Did I hurt my grandkids by saying their dad was a narcissist? Maybe, but in their lifetime, when time comes for them to make sense of their life, I hope they will understand they needed protecting and forgive me for being inexperienced at the time and forgive me. I was loving them the best I could.❤
I tried. He took her to a different country. No help from authorities. Haven’t spoke with her since 2019. She had a spot in his closet. She will be 18 in March.
Never in my life would I ever think my relationship would be destroyed by someone who said they loved me