Survival tactics or bad behavior? Unpacking YOUR ACTIONS in a narcissistic relationship
What did you do in your narcissistic relationship that you regret or feel ashamed of? You’re not alone—many survivors have a list of moments they’d rather forget. This video dives into the messy reality of surviving these relationships, why we sometimes behave in ways we’re not proud of, and how to make sense of it all. Understanding the "why" behind your actions might be the key to moving forward and finding self-compassion.
So much self-doubt being ingrained into me from narcissists always telling me that I’m wrong and making me feel like I’m worthless. For a long time I was unemployed because I had so many toxic coworkers and bosses constantly telling me that I’m not doing the work correctly, so for many years I was afraid to work thinking I’m not good enough.
I didn’t understand gaslighting and narcissism and was so frustrated I would “lose it” but I always wanted to “fix” the relationship. That wasn’t her plan.
I’ve blown so many gaskets by yelling and screaming at my narcassistic abusive husband and horrible mother. It will sound dramatic saying this…its pretty amazing I didn’t have an aneurysm or heaŕt attack. All while they’d sit so calm and coy. Looking at me like I was the freakazoid!
When you realize they wanted you to be anxious and to undermine any sense of equanimity and security, things start to click into place. It sucks.
@@JAYNEYOUNG-z1o
Thank you for your comment! It is SPOT ON! You just explained the person I want to leave.
@@NJones-lb1lnMake a plan and get out. As fast as you can!
You getting upset is the result they need. I’d typically get their “I know you get upset” maneuver to put me on the defensive. I finally learned to stay calm and carry on.
I’m true to myself and I don’t need his approval or validation. I validate myself and so do those who truly love me.
It’s comical how they recognize that it’s really bad behavior when it’s done to them (narcissists) but they don’t see anything wrong, doing worse things to you and others.
Yeah, they guy I dated bragged about stealing money from one his former employers but when, after months of gaslighting (he basically got back together with his ‘ex’ behind my back and kept denying it even after they got into couples therapy together!!), he once forgot to log out off Facebook on my computer and I checked his messages to stop feeling like I’m losing my mind…. basically all hell broke loose… And ofc he ignored all the evidence of his multiple blatant lies because of the fact that the way I found out was ‘unethical’ lmao
@@alltheliliesbloomed Yes, the bragging about getting away with something shows a superior and entitled attitude. There is also a screaming double standard in that he is holding you to the standards you would be in court (fruit of the poisoned tree) regarding how you obtained your ‘evidence’.
@@lt827 And forgetting to log out of his Facebook account is his own action (although I would never take advantage of that in any other context or situation); it’s not like I hired a private detective to spy on him 😉 And after I tried to go ‘no contact’ with him, I found out spyware on my computer & multiple fake accounts started harrassing me through social media..
And they still do, maybe to a slightly lesser extent, to this very day even though it’s been more than a year at this point (+ I had to pay a lot of money to get rid of the spyware, sold my computer and changed all the passwords + enabled two-step verification everywhere & and did a factory reset on my phone as well).. What an ugly & demented world we live in. I wanted to report it to the police and they told me that if the computer guy wrote a note on paper that he found spyware on my device, it would be enough to start a case but unfortunately, when I contacted the guy, he told me he’s no longer working ‘due to health issues’ as soon as he heard the word ‘police’ and therefore he cannot help me…
I am still considering reporting the whole thing though (if the police refuses to help, I can always appeal their decision but it’s a lot of additional paper work, additional stress and lost time + I was kind of hoping that the guy would get tired of making my life miserable by now but life is full of suprises it apparently…)
Every action has a reaction and narcissists always bring out the worse in everyone.
She was the problem and had the nerve to sound concerned about me having a heart attack, when she’s also the solution.
Yes they did. I took this chance to start my long way healing, it’s hard but i believe i eventually find myself back.
Talk about a person taking us to our limit!! I also have a heart condition dealing with these trolls! At the time to get out of the problem would had landed me in prison! I didn’t have the ability or the knowledge of exactly what a narcissist is!! Or ARE! They can push another human being to their absolute limit. I lost my mind too btw.. I had three attackers! ❤
That really helps Dr Ramani. I have always had this belief that if I was a mature and stable person, I would never get angry or upset or “bubble over”, because I would have inner confidence and good self-esteem as described in all the self-help books I’ve read etc. So when I do crumble and behave in ways I don’t want to and that go against my values of how I want to treat people and how I’d like them to treat me, then I see myself as broken and that I am the cause of the troubles. But it’s true, this only happens with the toxic relationships and not with my other relationships, so I should be more compassionate to myself and stop expecting to be perfect….
I have felt this same exact way as you! Let’s remember to be kind and patient with ourselves. We give that out so freely to so many others but crazy how we don’t give it to ourselves, sometimes I feel guilty for giving it to myself…..but not any longer as I navigate this healing journey.
Complete and utter frustration was usually why I’d yell. To no avail, obviously.
I said I hated him,I wish I never met him and I smashed a gift he gave me . He was going out to cheat but I still feel guilt for losing it like that. I’m a gentle and empathic person and believe it or not,I’ve never wished him harm or tried to hurt him on purpose.
They deliberately bring out the worst in their victims so they can feel superior. He probably loved your behavior and any protest he made was performative and another excuse to criticize you.
As an Empath, I absolutely knew some of the things I did when I was in that narcissistic relationship was sooooooo unhealthy and unsettling to my insides… that it was a huge red flag to say “you have to get out – just leave”.
It all stemmed from what I suspected he was doing behind my back… and I was right in the end. My gut told me something was off.
…and I did. I left. Never looking back. Never having to worry about any of that any longer.
I took care of Me. I was true to Me. ❤
Since, this is a part of a “process,” that has employment significance, I will admit that I spoke too long and too frequently with a married male co-worker. He had invited me to a family gathering, but I said no when he revealed that he was married. It was a very stressful job situation for me and it was hard figuring out my next career move. In any case, it was inappropriate. I had already broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I still talked with this ex, but he was not as interested in friendship. I did nothing physical with my coworker.
I still feel like this process is warped and I still stand by my criticism of the employer. We are in a new world. I don’t care so much that this is seen as a valid screening tool. This does not make me fearful of my career direction. I will add that when I told a long-time female friend about the invite to the family gathering, she told me that I should not have assumed that he was interested in me when he invited me. She did not agree with me that he acted single before his invitation. My gut said something different. It does count as an emotional affair, and we mostly talked about our experiences in the lab.. On the job, sometimes we talked about my past relationships as well and he kept trying to get me to slip up and reveal my age. He also indicated that he had girlfriends on the side in the past. He said other things that made me unsure if he had an open relationship, but I was not interested in dating him either way.
I am not boastful, nor proud of my behavior during the narcs discard . My actions and comments came from a place within, to protect my safety, sanity, and emotional security.
I never want to be in a situation or relationship like that again.
We did and do what we had to to survive. Not wanted to, HAD to. When you are pushed down so far you only have limited choices -lay there and die that way, or come up mentally swinging, lying, and plotting how to escape.
So true
During the sociopath relationship I was a mess!! I couldn’t even hold a conversations with an adult. I would walk the children and assume everyone driving by thinking bad things about me. Standing at traffic lights my mouth would be quivering from the anxiety so no. I never partook in their sneaky evil behaviour.
But after I broke up with him, in prayer I studied every self help book their was on confidence self esteem, neuroscience, narcissistic abuse and clawed myself out of anxiety without doctors or medication. It was hard!
But I developed hyper independence, “strong single women” 🙄 lonewolf self identity and isolated myself never allowed anyone into my life.
I was still scapegoated at work too, people taking credit for my work, lying about me I felt like covert narcs were everywhere.
But God was still there.
My whole life narc abuse has been part of my journey but I’m grateful that God has utilised it all to give me great compassion.
I serve the community now, in a food ministry, making a meaningful impact on the lives of many people I can relate too with sincerity.
God had turned my pain and the plans meant for evil, into character traits He can use for good. 🥳✨🙏
I finally stood up for myself after years of emotional abuse from the narcissistic in law when she verbally assaulted me for no reason at my mother’s house. My family tried to blame me because I stood up to her, but they are enablers. I know the truth so standing strong in my convictions. I have not felt safe with them and don’t like how I became an unhealthy version of myself from all their toxicity. Giving myself lots of grace that I did the best I could in some awful situations and that it’s not all my fault even if I finally yelled back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My father was a narcissist to the nth degree and it was the only thing in which he excelled. I was the truth teller and scapegoat and felt the need to stick up for mom while my sister would either deny or justify his actions. By the time I was 13 I gave as good as I got and it infuriated him and that’s why I loved every minute of it.
I tried very hard to remain calm and not scream back at him. Then one day after 25 years together I lost my composure and screamed right back in his face. Well several months later I was able to walk again without pain and I got a tattoo to cover the scars from him slamming me into a wall. No regrets though because I have 1.5 yrs of no contact under my belt and I live a peaceful, yet isolated, existence.
Omg. I’m glad you’re away from him.
So sorry you had to go through this. Your story high-lights how hard it is to understand Narcs and what they are capable of. Many survivors are afraid to speak up or leave, and rightfully so. I hope your future will be less isolated and you find some trustworthy decent people to be friends with.
I can’t tell you how helpful this is! When the narcissist(s) are family members you feel so hurt, angry, and confused! Thank you Dr Ramani for understanding and putting a voice to our feelings! Your videos are so helpful!
After years of a narcissistic abuse and toxic behavior from my family and people, I finally decided to walk away and get space from it all, for my own well being. Life has been good ever since and I’m proud of myself for staying strong! 😁
I’m doing that too. It’s not easy, I feel lonely sometimes, but also much lighter and less anxious. Navigating those relationships felt like walking across a floor filled with broken glass, not egg shells, glass. I’m still treating the cuts and the only way to do it is by not being anywhere near it. Good luck to you 🙂
Fighting BACK against abuse is NOT “also abuse.”
People who tell you that it is, are gaslighting you. This includes the Narcissist, so-called “well meaning” others… AND yes, even yourself.
Yes, there are reasons the fight response is the right response.
Thanks. I own my toxic behavior, but I’m trying to heal and stop settling. I notice that most aren’t interested in taking accountability or doing the work (changing). Don’t settle. We got this.
Since, this is a part of a “process,” that has employment significance, I will admit that I spoke too long and too frequently with a married man at my job. He had invited me to a family gathering, but I said no when he revealed that he was married. It was a very stressful job situation for me and it was hard figuring out my next career move. In any case, it was inappropriate. I had already broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I still talked with this ex, but he was not as interested in friendship. I did nothing physical with my coworker. I still feel like this process is warped and I still stand by my criticism of the employer. We are in a new world. I don’t care so much that this is seen as a valid screening tool. This does not make me fearful of my career direction. I will add that when I told a long-time female friend about the invite to the family gathering, she told me that I should not have assumed that he was interested in me when he invited me. She did not agree with me that he acted single before his invitation. My gut said something different. It does count as an emotional affair, and we only talked about our experiences in the lab. He also indicated that he had girlfriends on the side in the past. He said other things that made me unsure if he had an open relationship, but I was not interested in dating him either way.
On a serious note, I have been a shadow of myself, putting my needs on the backburner for 20 + years. And was treated very badly, and today, I’m ashamed of letting this abuse go on for so long. I started to inform myself through online channels, such as yours, and I finally understood what I was going through, so for the last 16 years, I have been protecting myself . I never try to be on his good side by adhering to his expectations, I never try to break his never ending silent treatments, I never engage, don’t personnalize, don’t take the bait, and I now see plain as day, all the cycles. I now listen to my interests, am independant from him, though we are married and live with him, I do not feel like I’ m in the wrong by protecting myself and cutting off all supply for him.
You are absolutely not in the wrong. I’m just sad you can’t be completely free of him. However, knowledge is power and will help protect you from accidentally getting involved with others like him, like friends or others.