The Crisis Trauma Bond With a Narcissist
In moments of crisis, we’ll take help from wherever it comes—but what happens when that “help” comes from a narcissist? Their savior act may look supportive on the surface, but it often leaves you feeling indebted, confused, and even more stuck. In this video, Dr. Ramani explains how crises can deepen the trauma bond with a narcissist, and why that makes healing even harder.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
She is very knowledgeable on this subject
You’re damned right she is.
You get trauma bonded because they mirror you, you idealise them, view them as your soulmate. They become an authority figure to you. Then they devalue and control you. Create a new authority figure in your mind. Whether it’s God or a celebrity you idolise. Be vulnerable with this character. Be emotionally invested. Trust them. Idolise them daily. Repetition fuels belief. Soon enough, the narcissist will lose the hold they once had over you. You can then choose to become this authority figure in your own mind and regain control over your life.
Seek an exit and dash for it, silence.
Narcissists make people comfortable through manipulation
I needed this
Spot on. He enjoys seeing me need help or support & then runs me or the situation down in front of family etc
Thank you for this. Their help always comes at a cost, and most of the time, the cost is much higher than the help they offered.
The cost is so incredibly high. I’m still recovering several years later from depending on my mother when I was struggling financially.
Thank you dr Ramani. I have a friend like this and I had exactly feeling as you describe, that she is available for me and interested in me only when I feel down and out. Almost no regular relationship between crisises. I was blaming myself but at the same time I had a feeling there’s sth else behind it. Now I see I felt right and you described that perfectly. Thank you so much ❤
Another situation is when you do not take the help of the communal narcissist. I ran into that situation. I had a personal problem that had absolutely nothing to do with the narcissist. He reacted by blabbing my situation to everyone he could force to listen and added that he felt bad that he could not help me. He came off looking like the victim. It just compounded the problem. I came to realize that he was the type of person that could turn anyone’s tragedy to his advantage.
Holy moly, could I relate to this!I just couldn’t figure out why I was so hesitant almost sick to my stomach trying to not let this narcissist completely overtake a situation many situations in fact- and then I felt bad for not supporting how they wanted to help me in their over bearing communal exhausting way
8:20 yeah… frequently heard “snap out of it” or “I can’t have you like this right now” or “why do you hold on so much to the past” when I was sharing my grief, also heard “I don’t feel like I get enough credit for what I do for you” and they’d frame it as self-advocacy. It was all so confusing and I felt so guilty… they’d share my personal details with others without my permission and put me down in front of other people. also “I wish I had someone like me in my life” … exhausting FUCKERY!!
They created the crisis sometimes
Mine crested crises after crises. I realized I couldn’t stop her and became a villain for trying to get her to change course
It was really tragic what happened in the end but I had to step away. Aside from creating chaos she was also an abuser and someone that lied constantly about major events. Pregnancies etc
I feel very sad for her and her family but we all tried so hard.
You can’t stop someone that doesn’t want to stop or face themselves
Here I am, 3 years later. PTSD.guilt. Anger. Trying to rebuild and deeply confused
But she ultimately broke us and she knows now. 5 weeks no contact and good to be free.
Just the title of this video made me sick to my stomach because I know just how insidious this can be.
Especially if the help is from your mother who doesn’t work – and is the only one that has the capacity to help. My mother is very strategic in her help. It’s not small things on a consistent basis. Dr Ramani is spot on with performative empathy!
06:00 Yes, feeling obligated, to someone you are not too crazy about.
You know they are going to hang their egocentric help over your head forever, icky feeling.
The “Where, would you be, without, ME…” empowering feeling they get. They are usually not selflessly helping just to see you more comfortable.
I went through this very experience when i needed a ride to the hospital for kidney stones( unknown at the time), and since then , i have agreed to helping out this family relative to avoid hearing” i took you to the hospital, you owe me” that was 2 years ago, 6 months ago i realized that i had nothing to lose anymore (shame)by saying no.
They feel entitled to abuse more and expect you to endure. Because they “helped” you.
Dr. Ramani, I’m convinced you’ve been reading my journal 😅 Every single video lately has been EXACTLY what I’m dealing with 😂. I thank God for you — you’ve seriously helped me stay sane. Your book helped me so much too. THANK YOU ❤❤❤
You just described my sister to a tea every time my mom goes to the hospital she shows up and acts like she saved everyone and the last time she did it I made the mistake of needing her because I was falling apart and she took full advantage of it and stab me in the back.
This!!?!Was a tremendously enlightening video I have been studying this for so long and it hasn’t been addressed like this. I have one covert communal narcissist that I was trying to figure out for the past 10 years/really really. I knew something was really off, but couldn’t quite nail it. This is what happens !!!you nailed it perfectly. I am so thankful for your knowledge and helping me keep sane
My ex “rescued” me from my narc parents. Little did I know that he too was a narc and that I was going from the frying pan into the fire. The more you know🌟
My now sister in law took advantage after my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was a teenager. She had just begun dating my brother. Very much became bonded and enmeshed with their entire family and she made it her cursade to almost save me and my family from our suffering. It went on for 12 years and became almost like a family cult and I was very controlled by them and seen as the one with the mental health issues but I should just get better. Thank you for this video, this hits the nail on the head with my entire situation and what I’ve gone through the last 18 years since my mother died.