The Dangerous Truth About Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist
People love talking about boundaries — but not all relationships play by the same rules. What works beautifully in a healthy relationship can land very differently in a narcissistic one. If you’ve been told to “just set a boundary” and it hasn’t gone the way you expected, you’re not alone. Before you share what hurts, what matters, and what you won’t tolerate, there’s something important you need to understand about narcissistic dynamics.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Setting boundaries is the moment that the victim of a narcissist wakes up without realizing it but it can be very costly.
Setting boundaries with narcissists can actually be very dangerous for us. Think of it like this – you’re giving them a roadmap of what you’re not willing to tolerate or accept. So now they know exactly what they need to do to trigger you and maintain control. You’ve just revealed it to them. And typically, it’s exactly what they do. You set a boundary, and then they cross it to test you. Which is why it really takes more than just boundaries alone. There needs to be an element of fear, imminent harm, consequences to themselves. Because that’s the only thing that will keep them in check. They don’t share the same morality that we do.
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Well put
Communicating a boundary to a narcissist is like hugging a skunk 🦨 or a porcupine.
I read a book called Hidden Scripts in Love by Lora Kivren and it made me understand why this kind of behavior feels so confusing: it’s designed to be confusing, because confusion keeps you engaged and working for clarity. This video is describing that same script, the mixed signals, the shifting standards, the way you start questioning yourself instead of questioning the pattern. The book helped me stop chasing explanations and start watching consistency, because when someone truly cares, your boundaries don’t become a debate and your need for clarity doesn’t get punished, it gets respected.
Simply put: narcissists are not the people you open up to. You can talk and play with them, sure. But never open your heart to them.
Sad to say I learned this at a very early age. Most my friends were narcissistic, go figure. Kinda realizing where I got my intimacy issues from. Psst learning better these days.. not everyone is out to get me.. ❤
NO. You should avoid them.
Abusers love crossing boundaries like it’s an Olympic event and they’re trying to win gold.
Credit goes to the Instagram community for this find. Just passing the knowledge along.
If we know abusers love crossing boundaries, how does a survivor respond?
I’ve learned skills from Dr R and others that allow us to SEE abusers and their abuse as a language that we’re allowed to interpret correctly and boundaries are one part of the response (not reaction) to keep us safe and sane ….up to us to enforce the boundaries and the specific ACTION PLAN as it pertains to our individual Narcci
Screwed if you do, screwed if you don’t.
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Your videos have helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I didn’t know anything about narcissism and just thought my partner was out of their mind. But watching your channel and a couple of others, reading a lot and a couple of classes has taught me enough to get me through and survive this. You helped me identify patterns and how to respond/react to all sorts of things. Now, I can better distance myself, I know it’s not personal (if it wasn’t me, it would just be someone else), and I can predict about 90% of the time, what will happen next. I have the power to protect myself and sometimes to steer an event away from that ultimate blow-up without giving in. My narc isn’t even the worst but it’s definitely enough. Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with psychopathy and other truly dangerous elements. But I know that because of you and other people who know about toxic personality types.
I wish there was a specific psychology class required for graduation so that our young people would have some knowledge of toxic personality types in school, the workplace and the world at large. I have been derailed professionally and lost opportunities to toxic people. They understand the playing field better than we do so to us, it’s just that jerk at work who gets away with everything and gets all the raises. Imagine if we actually had a chance, from the beginning. I hope you all have a tremendous day!
Well I wish I knew this a few months ago
You might be saving peoples lives ….
We love you Dr. Ramani.
3:40 This is what I was trying to communicate to my life coach who suggested i tell my NM my boundaries before going no contact. I told her that’s basically telling her what steps she can take in order to continue to hurt me
You once told Mel Robbins that setting boundaries with a narcissist is akin to hugging a porcupine. Loved that analogy. It’s very complicated, they will not only not respect them, but weaponize them against you. Again damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Thank you for clarifying this. Many blessings.
Yes – telling them boundaries gives them a roadmap to torment you. Couples counseling and coparenting “experts” push us into revealing our weaknesses under the guise of “better communication “ but all it does is put us in a weaker position
I realize I do this to myself… I set a boundary towards myself, and I test it. I feel worse, I do it again and again because why bother once I didn’t listen the first or second time? Since I didn’t listen I interpret this as me=not trustworthy. Then all falls apart and I need to go back to square one. I most likely internalized all of this. So remember just because someone is out of your life u need to also treat yourself better.
Boundaries = “You’re gonna pay for that.”
Actual (no kidding) quote from my Narcissist. I knew I was filing for divorce but was too terrified to tell him that yet. We were still in the same home. He said “Well, my boundary is that you can’t have any boundaries!!” JFC. Happy to say that scary time is a few years in the past now.
“Why did the narc cross the road.. bc they thought it was a boundary.”
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this is 💯 true, they use this knowledge to trigger you and get a reaction! Anything you say can and will be used against you! they don’t give a toss about our boundaries anyway, no point even trying! Radical acceptance is gold!
You are right. It all ends up when you go no contact, if you can, at least emotionally if you can’t otherwise.