The DOUBLE-SIDED SHAME of talking about your narcissistic relationship GRIEF
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
It’s incredible how my external family members can say the narc has been doing better over the years but then say they were afraid when they were kids, but then telling me I should “get over it”, when they only had 10 days in a year, and I had to deal with the narc for at least over 6000 days.
They aren’t delivering it correctly for sure, but you’ll have to heal yourself and pull yourself out of it. 6000 days? I’ve been in a severe abuse, Malignant narcissist wife for 11500 days. It’s horrible and I sympathize with you.
I had to pull myself out of the trauma bond and confusion. Come to terms with how they treated you and realize that wasn’t love. No matter how bad you wanted it to be or the excuses you made for them, it wasn’t love. You can do it.
I’m so thankful for you and the people who have been through this as well being able to feel connected and not alone❤
Yes, it sure helps keep us sane, doesn’t it?! 🙏♥
I’d like to share this. When my x was making my granddaughter a flying monkey. She got into my car and no doubt projected exactly what my x said about me. Being raised by a narcissist somewhere I quit listening I believe. All I could do was look at my granddaughter. I had no clue to what she was saying!! It was narcissistic language. And how did she understand it?? I guess I just stared at her. Because whatever she said was dropped. When my narcissistic father berated me growing up. I knew what he was saying was real bad. Because my whole body would heat up and I’d feel like crap! I had no clue of this language until I studied it. I know my father basically destroyed me. Anyone else? Not understand this language? In other words looking back if the narc was triangulating a family member I never got involved. Again I had to study narcissism to understand wtf they are saying. I felt shame and guilt all that.. never good enough.. I am guessing it was the energy.
Can relate to this comment so very much ditto for me” narcissistic language” perfectly said*
Yesterday I started really crying hard over this man who trashed my future and finances … and I honestly pondered, “Do I even have the right to grieve? I IGNORED the field of red flags. I CHOSE his STORY and lovebombing instead of facing his boundary trampling and remorseless cruelty. I SOLD MYSELF into his control.”
I invited the destruction. How can I weep as a victim when I embraced his tyranny and abuse?
Keep listening to Dr.Ramani It’s not your fault. You can love yourself and you will eventually see it’s not your fault.
@@AuntBee185❤❤❤❤thank you 😊
You were simply mistaken but that couldn’t have happened if you weren’t headed into codependency so now you get to work on your own healing 💔❤️🩹♥️
You didn’t know or understand as all of us! It is not your fault
I understand.❤
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who don’t understand, no explanation is possible!
That’s for sure.
So very well said! I got accused by someone who i thought understood me saying that I’m using my brother (who’s a covert narcissistic and an mother who enabled him) as a smokescreen to justify me remaining in the victim role.
The first time I saw this comment on this channel was 4 years ago and it still holds true.
Well said!
so well said!!! ❤
Thank you! I always appreciate when you do these more nuanced explanations and validation of very complex situations that are neither black nor white and are all kinds of messy in the middle. The Catch-22 is so real.
Thanks for finding the perfect words for me! Dr. Ramani is amazing.
Yes, and that catch-22, is “damned if you do” and “damned if you dont” more often than not.
Not allowed to say a word, the freedom for me, went from being the silenced kind, not allowed to show any feelings, and anger was damned already, so sitting in a corner smiling, having no other than the “allowed opinions” anywhere, changed in my 50ies into the truthteller. (jobbig känsla vara den också!)
After been to some sort of talktherapy 25yrs ago, where no one had any at all knowledge of abusive relations, I got worse with no questions, all blame on me, never a question what was going on, and then I did not know if I would dare to tell any one, out of loyality to those close to me, cause of this crazymakings of “the victim”. It was more a shame on you, who cant find out of these traps of mazes. So, I started to work on me, and got knocked down, worked on me again, and again, and knocked down from the same sort of persons, wanting to dominate, no cooperative thoughts in them. And not so much left of that in me either, after that. Felt robbed of my kindness and my former generous sides. And then, into good professional knowledgable trainings, so I dared to get my anger up-out, and it gave me courage, enough to not allow, more abusive sort of things. Still people wont understand a thing, cause it is like glue into all too many, as living in a cult, with the only message: “this is the only way allowed, we respond to nothing at all.” so, we are: “Damned if you do, and damned if you dont.”
Thanks Doctor Ramani for your compassion and help. You give good advice without asking for anything. God bless you.🤗🙏❤ So grateful ❤
u give off such caring energy, ur like an aunt who always has the right answers to ur problems and would probably give you a home made tea after listening to u. ur videos feel like a warm hug. ur book made me realize how text-book narcissistic my parents were acting and the insights i gained with the information you provided made me a different person. with the information at hand i could rationally distance myself from the big emotional turmoil inside of me, slowly let myself let go of the guilt of not sticking to my parents no matter what and put myself truly as my first priority in my life. i went no contact, grey rocked and now i have relationship to them again but its different bc i see it through a different lens. i thank you truly for the work that you do, for me, it was life changing
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Brilliant. Healing from Narcissistic Abuse is a constant push and pull between our normal but unhealthy reactions to the abuse and the reality that we have done nothing wrong and are not at fault. Validation x100!
Yes! I feel guilty for sharing my reality with friends because I’m so worried that I’ll be running a smear campaign. Which is the last thing I want to do having been a recipient of that myself!
Choose those intimates wisely 😉
Thank you, Dr.Ramani, for this video on the complexity , distinctions and discernment of shame, when sharing and not sharing. It can be overwhelming dealing with the disorientation, humiliation and isolation one creates for survival, within the dynamic of a traumatic relationship. Your compassion, knowledge and awareness, your capacity to understand and communicate so clearly is inspiring, validating and empowering. Thank you for speaking to this aspect today. Sending you gratitude and appreciation for your generous public service toward betterment in health and recovery.
🙏❤🌱
It’s so difficult when so many close to me do not acknowledge reality. People would rather invalidate and shame my experiences than face what the abusers are doing. It makes me so mad and sad. Giving myself permission and psychological safety. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
You’re right! It’s insane when people put their heads in the sand… let them eat dirt
I can relate to this and it makes it more difficult so i just drop the people around me
It’s about truth! Authenticity is only possible when we tell it like it really was… as a childhood survivor of CPTSD I felt shame from puberty onwards. I’m now 66 & call out every behavior that isn’t OK anymore in myself or others. No contact with the family of origin was also necessary, but I don’t share much with anyone outside these support groups. Dr Les Carter is a real help, too, with his channel Survival Narcissism
Thank you so much for this video today. I needed it to understand what I’m going through so badly! I have been shamed for talking about my experience and then gone quiet and questioned what is wrong with me. It’s so nice to hear that it’s not me 😊
Well said Doctor Ramani!
Feeling a shame of being the victim always scared that if I tell my story, people will judge me saying you always had the possibility to go away. They don’t get that. It’s not the case most of the time that it’s like a prison and you don’t have the key, knowledge that this video bring us is a key that will set us free as much as it’s possible and when it’s not physically possible, we have to be autonom in our minds in our psyche
Lol. Everytime I speak to a “friend” about this situation with my man, they always “Why don’t you just leave him, who cares if you have a kid, no job, license or anything because he held you back. You’ll be okay (homeless). ” …..Then you get the “Then why didn’t you leave?” Or ,my favorite “You picked and chose to stay with that person, despite seeing how bad they were.” Like no one ever tells unruths.
The worse thing is when you tell people what’s been going on and they still be friends with them. It’s like a slap in the face and more devaluation. Like you just don’t matter.
So many of us were raised to be “loyal” to our family of origin and taught that talking to others about “private family business” is the ultimate DISloyalty. Once I realized what oppressive N.A. I had been raised with and living under for decades, I choked every time I tried to talk about it! I prefaced every remark with, “I feel so BAD talking about this…” because I genuinely didn’t want people to think badly of my ‘beloved-by-everyone” abuser, but I also needed to verbally work my feeling out. There is so much guilt and shame instilled in us, daily, from birth, it’s no wonder that most survivors of familial N.A. never are able to awaken to the reality, because once you awaken, you can’t go back to being unaware.