The Guilt Hook in Narcissistic Families
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK đź“– "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
VISIT MY WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES AND HOTLINES
LISTEN TO MY PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts:
Spotify:
Stitcher:
iHeart Radio:
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Narcissistic families back each other up, they see any faults exposed by any member of them as a threat for the whole family. Family image for them is above everything and anything else is no more a coletral damage. For example, that explains why you see narcissistic husbands or wives are totally fine with destroying their spouses and children and future for the sake of keeping their parents satisfied, despite all the shared memories, promises, etc.
All narcissists use the guilt trip strategy silent treatment and showing up at a persons best but leaving them at their worst. All enablers are a pain to deal with than the actual narcissist who holds zero accountability and accepts responsibility
Very flipping true. I am so sick of my sister not holding my covert narcissist mother ( my mother creating drama everywhere she goes and accuses family friends of trying to poison her behind their backs) accountable for her behavior. I see that i have no choice but to go no contact with her , too.
“Do it for me” is emotional laundering. It takes someone else’s abusive behavior and asks you to pay the psychological cost so the system can stay comfortable. That’s not peacekeeping … that’s forced self-abandonment dressed up as love.
I unpack this exact dynamic (enablers vs. boundaries) a lot on my channel.
And negative effects better not show up. If they stress you out and cause health problems then everyone says they have the RIGHT to cause more harm until you learn to magically conform reality to their delusion. Those health effects would never happened if you would not have noticed it. Your acknowledgment of reality has caused all these problems.
Hello from Guatemala
You realy help me
Thanks
My mother used “do it for me” for decades. I felt like she sacrificed me on the altar of her peace.
Same same. Finally, this past year, I stopped falling for it. But the guilt trip of “do it for me” was always predicated on her goals of keeping the peace, almost always at my expense. No more.
She did
Wow, did that hit home! Very validating. Thank you.
Narcissists are teenage high school bullies wearing a lawyers suite or a doctor’s gown
Dr Ramani you inspired me to help myself and escape some very toxic situations. Most importantly you taught me how to survive the toxic situations I can’t escape. Forever grateful to you x
Oh yessssss, I can thank for Dr Ramani,that I don’t even know,where I should start the list. She is our true Savior, Heroine, an unbelievable woman ❤❤❤
The do it for me guilt trip part is what makes leaving hard. And because most families are normal not narcissistic they have absolutely no experience dealing with narcissistic families
Setting a boundary with a narcissist is like feeding a carrot 🥕 to lion
I am a R.N., and the managers used this tactic. If I called in sick they would say I have to come in. Do it for the patients. Do it for your coworkers.
“You owe it to your family. You owe it to yourself.” – Liev Schreiber playing the slimy manager trapping Jude Law’s character in forever debt for a heart transplant in Repo Men … which for me is the exact minute it turns into the horror movie from the IRL scenario we all recognize
When a narcissist says that they are only do this to show the world what a savior they are making us look bad.
Invalidating someone’s abuse is also abusive
I stopped explaining myself and just don’t answer nvasive questions. I no longer explain because people with their own agendas are either looking for dirt, looking for a weakness to exploit, or aren’t listening. You may as well talk to a wall and only through silence will I be heard.
Yes. They don’t ask questions to get to know you. It’s sensitive data mining to control you with later. They aren’t safe to give information to. They are liars anyway, so you don’t know anything REAL or honest about them, even after decades.
At least the wall has no intention to see you hurt…
Yep, 100%. Its impossible to have a straight forward conversation with them
Enablers are just as bad as the Narcissists i.m.o. knowingly or not.
Brilliant. Hearing “Do it for me’ was practically a daily occurrence in my extended narcissistic family growing up. I remember saying it a few times myself. You’re asked to put yourself in harm’s way to protect unhealthy delusions about the family.
I was not invited to my oldest daughters wedding years ago because her dad, my mother, my sister and brother said they wouldn’t come and I am not the problem child. Happens this way as well, being pushed out as a punishment for not following the family occult rules
My brother is my “do it for me” person. He’s also my “you need to let go of the past” person, even though the patterns with our parent repeat themselves over and over. She isn’t any different than she was in the past, no matter how much she lies about growing. My brother is her golden child, the one who always made her look good and the one who she will bend rules for (like his constant pot smoking, while I was pulled out of class and drug tested in high school AT A LABORATORY for coming home happy one day, and my test was completely clear of any substance use). He doesn’t understand my perspective, nor does he care about my pain, only his own discomfort. I just missed his college graduation from a major engineering program and I’m not sorry. I am sad but not sorry. I cut contact with that woman nearly a year ago and will not be forced into social interactions with her ever again… I already spent 15 additional years of my life sticking around to keep him comfortable and I won’t do it anymore.
“Feel sick for me” – that really hits me.
No . The answer is No. And is a full sentence.
Thank you, dr. Ramani
Spot on! I love these specific examples. The main narcissist in my life is also a master at deflecting consequences for bad behavior onto a third person. So if, for example they back out of a commitment last minute sweet aunt Flossie doesn’t get to go. Unless you drop everything and give her a ride. I struggle with this situation.