The non-charismatic narcissist
Not all narcissists are charming, charismatic, or socially successful. Some are sullen, awkward, grumbling, or just plain difficult—but that doesn’t make them any less toxic. If you’ve ever questioned whether someone in your life is narcissistic just because they don’t fit the slick, charming stereotype, you’re not alone. Let’s break down why narcissism isn’t about appearances—it’s about patterns.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
“Charm and cha-rizz other people.” I feel like the Doc has uncovered the linguistic roots for the rizz.
Thankyou for clarifying – needed this❤
That’s EXACTLY what I found SO confusing with a friend who had become really problematic. She really went under the radar but the one thing that I couldn’t shake was that she was ALWAYS the victim, low energy, sullen. Never happy and content. It was always someone else’s fault – never handled her own business, complaining all the time but never handling any of what was going on. Not successful because she never really tried because that was too much like work. I googled, “victim mentality” and “vulnerable narcissism” kept popping up and STILL I didn’t think it applied to her because “narcissist” is such an ugly word – but, it was it. She checked every single box and the remarks resembled my experiences – so I had to get real.
Not all narcissists are charismatic. Some are more covert and rely on guilt-tripping or victim-playing.
Just like you 😊
And they will get every enabler to pile on. You have to not care what anybody thinks.
Thank you Dr. I’ve seen this as well! I’m literally fighting for my life on a daily basis! The financial abuse has been so intense. I’ve been unemployed as a RN for years now….related to a massive smear campaign in my town. I’m blackballed. It’s amazing how people can play the victim card and create so much chaos at the same time. I’ve even been retaliated against by the Narcs large group of MAGA -minion flying monkeys ……who love drama. It’s been devastating on every level. Thank you so much for spreading Narc awareness. I really appreciate all of your videos.
I’m sorry you’re going through this!! The narcissist is good at flipping the blame and the victim becomes the predator. I’ve had this happen to me way too many times. It’s soo unjust!! Just stick to your reality screw everyone else!
Whether charismatic or not they bring disaster..maybe it will take a little longer time to find out.
I often joke about why, if I was going to marry a narcissist, why couldn’t I at least choose a hot one.
If you’ve never had people thirst after someone who inflicts psychological torture on you it’s a special kind of soul-crushing. It’s not on the level of thirsting after a serial k, but it’s easy to look around and see that your abuser gets a pass for a lot of horrible behavior because they’re “hot.” To someone in that situation, that joke ain’t funny, it’s painful.
@tinkergnomad I so hear you but it’s tough cuz humor is also a coping mechanism and it sound like op has been in some not so savory situations themselves
Always wanted to hear about this type
I never truly knew what a narcissist was until my wife filed for divorce. She went on a dishonest campaign to make me look horrible when i tried my best to be a provider, a partner, and a helper. I’ve learned so much from your videos, and in the future, i feel better equipped to choose a better partner. I thought my ex-wife just needed a break from a hard life. But she fed off, gaslighting me to think i was a bad partner. It’s definitely interesting to learn all this.
And you know than too, they believe their own lies and before you know it you’re the villain in all their made-up stories.
Best wishes on your journey. There’s nothing like putting your heart and soul into a marriage only to have your loved one pull the rug out from under you. Dr. Ramani has and is been a godsend for people who’ve gone through the narcissist rabbit hole. She has many videos that are extremely helpful to understand and cope from a narcissistic relationship. A really good book that helped me was “The Covert, Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirza. I can’t recommend it enough. Again, best wishes on your journey. Take Care.
Same
My mother is one of the most boring, non charismatic people I’ve ever known. She doesn’t have any education, no broad views, no understanding of any kind. She’s fragile yet rude to everyone. She’s ready to tell anyone how rude they are yet if you tell her anything remotely criticizing about her, she folds in a second.
I used to think she was THE BEST, only to come and find out she was THE WORST.
Dr Ramani I used to feel so lost in narcissistic relationships.I kept making the same mistakes, falling for the wrong people and getting frustrated. Then I read Red Vibration by Keezano and everything clicked. I started moving differently, setting boundaries and truly understanding attraction. Not long after, I met my husband. It’s crazy how much this book changed my mindset and my life
thanks for sharing
Please stop posting this “garbage” on Dr. Ramani’s legitimate channel. It’s not a “scam” in the sense that you will get the eBook, but they’re all AI slop books with bots advertising in random comment sections. I read a free excerpt, it’s’ basically the same as asking ChatGPT for self-help advice.
Thanks for the book suggestion!
In my experience with narcissists (which is way too much experience with narcissists), one of the dangers is that no two are exactly alike. So you may plug one hole that lets one type in, and a different type will get in through a different hole. That’s why these videos are so useful; I’m trying to plug the holes before I ever get close to the next narc.
As a commenter said a couple years ago, it’s like they keep meeting the same people, in different clothes.
As a commenter said a couple years ago, it’s like they keep meeting the same people, in different clothes.
You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani. I love these videos where you summarize how some people are misusing the terms and definitions, and how this can cause confusion for a lot of people. NOT ALL NARCISSISTS ARE CHARISMATIC. “Don’t get lost in the idea of They Aren’t Charming of Charismatic, or They’re Angry and Raging in Front of Other People so it Can’t Be Narcissism. Narcissism is about the PATTERN, public or private, drizzled in charm and charisma or not. And why does this matter? Because understanding this can break you out of the self-blame, self-doubt, and confusion cycle, and help you Radically Accept, Maintain Realistic Expectations, Disengage, and ultimately to Heal.”
Thank you so much for this video because my husband who is a vulnerable narcissist is definitely not charming. He was able to lovebomb me with his victimhood because I was in the helping profession. I knew he missed the charming gene but was still a narcissist. It was very satisfying to hear you verify it.
OMG, I have needed this particular issue addressed. My sister has been suffering in a narcissistic relationship for the past 15 years and she’s in so much trouble. I gave her your book but she only read about half and then told me that her husband wasn’t charming or charismatic, etc so he wasn’t a narcissistic personality. I just sent this to her because it so completely describes her husband. I pray this will help.
Another excellent video. Thank you for teaching how to navigate this world and protect ourselves at the same time.
I feel like the consistent litmus test is how they react to having their self image challenged. If any correction or complaint is perceived as criticism AND they fly into a rage or collapse in some way, attacking and projecting their qualities onto the person who shines a light on any shortcomings or poor behaviors
Thank you Dr Ramani so much for clarifying the difference between covert narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.
So, my mother is a vulnerable narcissistic, a secret narcissist, a bully. My father (long since dead) had a blind spot when it came to his wife, thus he was her enabler.
Stopping all contact with my mother (thirteen years ago) was one the best gifts I have ever given to myself.
Your channel has been an invaluable part of my healing from that constant trauma and neglect and damage done in childhood. Thank you once again for your necessary support.🦋☀️🧡
Yes!!!! and what I learned is that some, WANT to be that successful, charismatic, sports car driving narcissist, but are not able to be…so they are extra frustrated with their lives, and can be the worst kind to deal with. You described them perfectly here!!!
Well said.
To which I want to add that it’s the enablers that do the worst damage.
They are the ones that validate the social rot created by the narc.