The Resentful Martyr: A Narcissist in Disguise
They show up with gifts you never asked for, favors you don’t need, and “help” that leaves you feeling guilty instead of grateful. On the surface it looks like kindness, but underneath it’s something very different. In this video, Dr. Ramani unpacks the manipulative pattern of the resentful martyr—and why it leaves you feeling trapped, blamed, and exhausted.
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
VISIT MY WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES AND HOTLINES
LISTEN TO MY PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts:
Spotify:
Stitcher:
iHeart Radio:
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My narcissistic personality sister died this week. We had a real talk the day before she died. Very reconciling and honest on her part. She was preparing.
Did she admit that she hurt you intentionally?
I would NEVER subject myself to giving an abusive-narc access to me before dying bc I would always think s/he will attempt to injure me or get into my head.
@lourdeswright😢
Don’t believe that at all.
I had a lucid dream after my narcissistic father died. He really did me DIRTY! It was just me and him and I had a guide I couldn’t see. We were in a bright room. My dad wanted to say something to me but I refused to listen. I just couldn’t!! Now 9 years later I’m kinda of curious of what he had to say. But he was so darn verbally ugly to me all my life. Anyway, I’m very much into the supernatural.. I haven’t a clue and I know he wanted to see me before he passed.
This was so dang good vulnerable narcissist have been in and out of my life training every bit of energy out of me. This was priceless.
You can tell everything you need to know about healthy relationships by observing the freedom seniors experience after their narcissistic spouse is gone.
Or their narcissistic adult children. 🧡
I like how Dr. Ramani talks about my family in every video.
😂😂😂 Mine, too!
same😂😂😂
LOL It’s like Dr. Ramani grew up next door and knows our families intimately.
💯🤣😂🤣
🖐️😄👍
Their favorite response: I was just trying to be helpful! OK, but I already told you the help wasn’t needed, but here they go again. No respect for boundaries.
There’s also them giving you their trash. Things they didn’t like, things that have nothing to do with you, things that are not working well, useless stuff, outdated stuff… This happens for 2 reasons:
1. Because they need to be perfect, they’ll never admit they bought something bad.
2. They believe their things are more valuable simply because it’s theirs (transference of value, same thing they do with the Golden Child), so it’s an honor for you to have their (trashy) stuff.
Omg- exactly!
💯
I have been waiting for someone to put this as clearly as you did, Dr. Ramani, for years. Thank you!
As a blind woman, I’ve encountered this pattern on an extreme level, even from strangers. The “I know what’s best for you” attitude is common when nondisabled people are attempting to help disabled people. I love Anne Lamott’s description of help as “the sunny side of control.” For many years, my test of potential friends was whether they would actually listen when I explained the kind of assistance I needed. If an acquaintance repeatedly overruled me (especially in the first social encounter), I didn’t proceed with that friendship.
Same situation
Thank you Dr.Ramani for your great channel. You are indeed putting into words what thousands of us would have liked to be able to explain. And you are showing us that we are worth much more that what the narcissist made us think we are.
Greetings from Berlin, Lior
You nailed it! I still have a hard time receiving others favors because I’ve been trained that it’ll cost me more than it’s worth from years of family being mad that I wasn’t grateful enough or that I still held boundaries after all they’d done (even though their favor ended up being an inconvenience or not even anything I wanted). Most of my formative relationships were me giving and getting nothing back, and what little I did get was paid for dearly.
❤ you are saving our sanity out here Dr. ❤
Thank you for not exploiting people, Dr.Ramani. As I am almost done with my bachelor’s degree in psychology and plan to obtain a master’s and an LPCC, I am noticing a lot of hypocrisy, double standards, and self-serving behavior that funnel people into the creators’ programs based on the problems they posture themselves as experts in. I have seen that you are a true expert who genuinely cares about conveying free information and not gatekeeping. You have changed my life by opening my eyes and helping me work through trauma and get better at pattern recognition by providing concepts and language to articulate what I have experienced. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being real and honest about your experiences with narcissists and how even experts can fall into these traps. It really shows how insidious these tactics are and how anyone can be taken advantage of, which highlights the importance of awareness. I am so grateful to you and for you.
That was really nice ❤
“Vulnerable” narcissists are anything but vulnerable. They’re covert, passive aggressive narcissists who want you to care about them but don’t want to care about you while keeping score of very slight to use against you. All the while “saying everything’s fine” when you ask them what the problem is when they invariably get sullen. They don’t want to “fix” or “settle’ anything. They just want ammunition.
You gave a perfect description of my female neighbor, a trad wife. Demon in disguise.
When I was 8 months pregnant with my second, I had blood clots develop in my perineum, if you know you know. 3 office procedures and 9 removed. Extremely painful. My mother came to “help” me. My dog had also died and my husband hospitalized with what we thought was a stroke, but turned out to be viral meningitis. When she arrived I sat down on the sofa and reclined as was necessary for pain relief, and after about 20 minutes she said “are you just going to sit around or are we going to do something”. It was one of the first times I had an obvious feeling go through me of how self centered and manipulative she is. But I continued on for another 21 years thinking it was me, because she certainly couldn’t be that mean and awful. Yep, yep she is exactly that!
You just described my mother to a tee. My flat is full of her stuff which don’t match and worst of all she came and dumped 4 huge cushions her mum sewed which I can’t get rid of due to the guilt.
She used to make these ill fitting clothes full of frills and lace which I just HAD to wear. I used to hide in embarrassment. Holding grudges 👌 that’s a whole other story .Latest being she is giving away all my inheritance cos she is VERY GENEROUS 😮 I used to blame myself for being an unappreciative and bad daughter, but now I know better. Thanks Ramani ❤
Right off the bat, the first 2 minutes were 💯💯💯💯 spot on.
You’re perfectly describing my host mom in Switzerland when I did language school 😬😬😬. Gifts with strings attached!!!! I left!
My next host mom was amazing, but at first I was terrified of any gifts. Praise God with time I was able to trust again and realize this next host mom was healthy and her gifts were out of her actual kindness – no strings attached!!
❤😢It is amazing how Dr. Ramani describes my dear mother and older sister like she knows them. Unbelievable but sadly true. It is so hard to accept this.😢❤Thank you Dr. Ramani.❤
My evil stepmonster once bought a bottle of shampoo that she found out that she was allergic to because it had sulfur in it. 25% to 36% of the population is also allergic to sulphur. She offered me this shampoo that she was allergic to. I said no thank you and reminded her that I am also allergic to sulphur. 2 months later she brought the shampoo over to my house. I graciously said thank you and took the shampoo and threw it away after she left. Sometime later in front of other family members, she asked me about this wonderful bottle of shampoo that she bought just for me. I reminded her that she was allergic to the shampoo because of the sulfur in it. Then I informed her that I had to throw it away because I too am allergic to sulphur. “How dare you throw it away”, “you could have told me that you were allergic to sulphur”. “I did remind you I was allergic to sulphur for the first time you offered it to me.” “Well how am I supposed to remember everything you’re allergic to”,”I’m only human”.
Predictable. You were set up. Never, ever be honest with the narc, they are counting on it.
You are describing my Mum, thankfully in a mild way although still very damaging to me. She died in 2015 at age 88 and I didn’t understand why at the time part of me felt relief. Thank you Doctor Ramani for your video’s they have been very beneficial for my understanding and healing from narcissist abuse from varying family members.