The SECRET to having compassion for a narcissist
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
You can have compassion for a narcissist by realising that they’re just a scared, hurt, insecure child inside. They were neglected or abused in childhood, so they create a false self to survive. They’re just doing anything they can to stay afloat. Of course, that doesn’t justify their actions. But it can help you to understand why they do the things they do. It will make it easier for you to have compassion for them, even if it’s only from afar. And really, it should be from afar. They are dangerous. This is why we advise to go no contact.
Agree. They do what they can to stay afloat in a manner that makes them look good, instead of dealing with the pain and truth of what they went through. They didn’t learn, they imitated and continued to live in their own world they justify. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve recently decided I do not have to have empathy for or compassion with people who themselves lack empathy. They do not deserve it at all! And it’s working really well for me! Letting go nicely… 🤸♀️
People talk about forgiveness, but sometimes forgiveness just means that you gotta go no contact.
100% agree. Cut contact for good
💯
Can’t forgive if there were no apologies. Apologies only work with changed behavior. And we know their not capable of that. So no contact is a must!
But, as many of us know. To most people, forgiveness equals re-engagement. Forgiveness means being supportive of the narcissist and embracing the abuse. Forgiveness means you’ve learned your lesson, that you must ensure. Therein lies the rub, in a very sick world, that will shoehorn you back in, yet blame you for staying, oddly enough.
Forgiveness is simply freeing yourself from the thoughts of their abuse. That’s it
I had compassion for my narcissist. She wanted complete freedom and autonomy. I left so she could have that back.
Thank you so much for putting this out there, i needed this affirmation today. My narcissistic father is now actively dying from a terminal disease and I have never felt so conflicted or confused in my life.
There’s another layer to my grief that feels different from other losses and grief I’ve experienced. It’s a reliving of inexplicable cognitive dissonance and confusion.
I first read your book, “Should I Stay, or Should I Go?” 6 years ago. Your work has helped me changed my life in ways I never dreamed imaginable. Thank you. ❤
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. From my experience I struggled with how I felt. Please do your best to take of yourself. You’re a beautiful person. 💜
The negative/trauma bond brought about by narcissistic parental conditioning lives on and it’s what the survivor spends a lifetime undoing to become less fragmented. I’m still learning who I am at 49 years old.
Same. And I’m 51.
I’ve spent all this time trying to identify those around me, it never occurred to me to look at my roots.
Thank you for this information. It answers questions I’ve had for many years. I’m 72. It’s actually hard to hear but also provides validation for the way I feel.
Whew! The very definition of healing from Narcissistic abuse: hard to hear, but validating.
The impact can be deep even after they’re dead.
It’s personal but I think this quote explains it well, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past. – William Faulkner” Relief doesn’t necessarily mean the impact has vanished and it may not change the negative outcomes/harm that may have come from that relationship.
Oh yes, they intent to control and hurt from the grave, they plot it for years.
The damage is done😢
I hope not
For me personally, forgiveness of the narcissist parents truly means that I will not allow their toxic behavior control my life, it allows me to release the anger and return to sender. It definitely does not mean to hang together. No contact is the best thing that you can do. And the death of them is the final release because you no longer have to be reminded of the pain when having to interact with them… this video resonated with my story completely! Thank you, Dr. Ramani! ❤
So Brilliant. The fallout and experience of healing from a narcissistic parent can be worlds apart depending on whether the parent has passed or is still alive. Other people’s stories of forgiving the narcissist can be triggering if their parent has passed and yours is alive.
Yes a big difference mine is dead. Left his slime behind. Never forgive his behavior towards me and everyone! It’s like ding dong the witch is dead. Dr Ramani is absolutely right.
Mi golden child brother decided to leave an empty chair on his wedding banquette to honor our deceased narcissistic father and laugh at me when I asked him not to do so as I was the scapegoat. I cut him out of my life ever since.
Breathtakingly beautiful analysis/dissection, Dr. Ramani
Damn I needed this! 3+ years no contact with my MIL (I’m married to her golden child). I “forgave” her because I understood why she is so toxic. Then bam! she blindsided me by showing up at my house demanding that she come in to “end this ” . After I refused and closed the door on her she leaves an unhinged voicemail with my daughter (who has now blocked her) saying what an evil, jealous woman I am who is making my daughter live a lie and wants to see her and her children so they can have the love from their great grandmother that I am somehow denying them. Yikes. So I guess my forgiveness won’t come until after she’s gone. She is 89 and has many years left of messing with my head. I feel like I’m back to square 1. This sucks.
My mother is similar. She’s in her 80’s and still wants to fight everyone for control rather than just being a sweet old lady.
@sparkygump Problem is they are convinced they are just sweet old ladies lol.
Wow, yeah she might live awhile just like a cockroach.
They way the MIL spoke totally sounds like something my mom and sister would say. ‘End this” “…. What an evil, jealous women you are… And getting in the way of the grandchild’s love”
Talk about multiplication. She’s evil.
Yes, stay far away from her.
@@sparkygumpsame here. No matter how much and how kind I am towards my mom. She’ll make up some b.s accuse me of something and want control. She fights with all the people at her senior housing.
Omg they all live long lives, like the selfish vampires they are.
Forgiveness is for them that deserve it.
They deserve it when they apologize AND they stop doing it.
And they don’t quit but get worse
Yes to this…”These relationships feel like a ghost that we are forever trying to outrun.”
Rude awakening…”You were trained to be supply.”
I appreciate the discussion around forgiveness. I’ve always felt a hesitation in that regard, and it makes me feel like a bitter person. My narcissistic dad used to say the bible says to turn the other cheek. How convenient for him
Me to!!!
yes bullies can LOVE to preach peace! but it’s fake B.S. and they’ll do it with a smirk on their face.
Turn the other cheek and they will slug you in that cheek too.
They love twisting the scriptures 🙄 that’s manipulation. You only have two cheeks 😉 The Bible also says (Matthew 10:14-16) “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet…” 👍
So I had a friend for 10 years who finally showed their true narc colours (there were always signs). Anyway, it ultimately resulted in me going no contact. They kept trying to message me on special days (birthday etc) but kept trying to control the narrative and not acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Eventually, they tried the desperate hoover and finally acknowledged they were a bad friend and was trying to get me to come back. I replied but set some pretty strong conditions. After they went silent, I told them I forgive and am moving on.
Some may say I gave power back to them and I lost because now they weren’t replying. But in the end, I found real winning and peace in being able to control the narrative in the end. My final compassion was about positioning myself as taking the moral high road and they can’t really do anything now to manipulate the situation
My narcissistic abusive mother gave me the silent treatment, then her grandsons, we have no idea why. After years of attempting to understand why, a therapist encouraged me to stop the outreaches. Over a decade later she asked to see me, awake and cautious I went to her now in skilled nursing in the retirement center I helped put her in after she chose it 15 years before. Skilled nursing said my mother had only 2 daughters (I am the middle of 3 sisters) and my name was no where to allow me to visit her. How played the retirement system was that she could remove my name, and later when I did visit her, the social worker truly believed I was the distancer and must be such a terrible daughter to have such a mother do what she did. Not true. Not at all. I am a loving and kind person who values what you said today more than I can say. It’s tricky with such a dominating, controlling and cruel parent to thrive when my soul was distorted since birth. I did see my mother after all. She never talked about anything but herself, never mentioned the 15 years of silence and no, she doesn’t have dementia.
Bingo, Dr. Ramani! This is what I felt when my narcissistic MIL passed away. I cried so much because of all she did to us and because of how miserable her life truly was. I asked God to have mercy on her soul. But, honestly, I’m not sure I have forgiven her because when I sit and think deeply about what she did to me and my husband (her own son!), I get angry and feel animosity towards her again…and I get angry with myself for allowing all she did to me. That’s usually a clue that true forgiveness has not taken place. And I’m wise enough to know that forgiveness is a process and not just lip service. It’s hard stuff. Thanks for discussing ♥
This video hit me harder than most and as a an adult with an elderly narcissist, that’s a mixture of covert and vindictive. I can tell you firsthand this is an absolute nightmare. We are currently dealing with a reverse elderly abuse case and I’m documenting everything and hope to publish this information to help others. I am nearing the end of this ordeal and I can tell you that I am dealing with this now in real time and it’s so raw. I was just an object trained to bring her supply.
Me too.
I need to work on letting go of fairy tale relationships- sibling intimacy and forgiving myself for blaming myself- thinking it could have been different. Grief is the friend who reminds me of the truth, reality. I did my best.
I’ve never believed in forgiveness of a gross act and for narcs behavior.
Thank you for YOUR words!!!