The Truth About Forgiving (or Not Forgiving) a Narcissist
Everyone says forgiveness is the key to healing—but does that apply when you’re dealing with a narcissist? In these relationships, forgiveness can sometimes backfire, leaving you feeling more stuck, blamed, and even exploited. In this video, Dr. Ramani unpacks the messy reality of forgiveness with narcissists—and what it really means for your healing and your future.
ARTICLE MENTIONED:
Abstract: How does forgiveness predict the likelihood of reoffending? One survey study, one experiment, one 4-year longitudinal study, and one 2-week diary study examined the implications of forgiveness for reoffending in relationships. In all four studies, agreeableness interacted with partner forgiveness to predict subsequent offending; partner forgiveness was negatively associated with subsequent offending among more agreeable people but positively associated with subsequent offending among less agreeable people. Furthermore, Study 4 demonstrated a unique mechanism of each simple effect; relatively agreeable people engaged in fewer transgressions against more forgiving partners because they felt obligated to refrain from transgressing against such partners whereas relatively disagreeable people engaged in more transgressions against more forgiving partners because they perceived those partners were less easily angered. These studies indicate that completely understanding the intrapersonal and interpersonal consequences of forgiveness requires recognizing the dyadic nature of forgiveness and attending to qualities of the offender.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Yep… they lie, and lie, tell you it’s your fault, you’re crazy, you just don’t”trust” them.
You shouldn’t trust them so it’s funny when they try to blame you for being untrusting. Like, thanks, it seems I have some healthy instincts and common sense left in me.
I’ve heard that phrase 1000 times. It drove me to the brink…thought maybe I was the bad person. Everything I felt about him is what he would accuse me of. It was all such a mind screw…finally got therapy and thank God I had a good counselor who knew about this stuff and explained to me that I was dealing with a narcissist. Once I identified it and had a name for it, I found the courage to end the relationship. Meanwhile he tells everyone that I am the narcissist…and I found out that he had been poisoning the minds of our children and telling them how evil, self-centered and narcissistic I am. I am so grateful to have gone no contact with him. #peace
FORGIVENESS IS NOT TOXIC POSITIVITY “FROM THE WORLD” BECAUSE FROM THE WORLD COMES UNFORGIVENESS. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORGIVENESS, TRUST AND ACCEPTANCE AND PEOPLE CONFUSE ALL THREE. YOU CAN FORGIVE TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PRISON OF UNFORGIVENESS BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU TRUST OR ACCEPT THEM AGAIN
I´m navigating this mess in my family of origin very much at the moment – if I couldnt watch these videos I would loose my mind…
Same. They make you lose your mind and blame YOU for it
I think Dr Ramani is saving lives actually. I was there in that position last year. somehow I made it through, with this content that is dosed with compassion and understanding and good information. hang in there. I lost my mind but I got it back. there is life after surviving something like that.
I am too. Ever since my grandma died, my narcissist granddad has gotten completely out of control.
They are fake, phony and liers. Who or what are you forgiving?
FORGIVENESS IS NOT TOXIC POSITIVITY “FROM THE WORLD” BECAUSE FROM THE WORLD COMES UNFORGIVENESS. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORGIVENESS, TRUST AND ACCEPTANCE AND PEOPLE CONFUSE ALL THREE. YOU CAN FORGIVE TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PRISON OF UNFORGIVENESS BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU TRUST OR ACCEPT THEM AGAIN
I can’t forgive someone when they know what they are doing to gain control 🙅♀️
And you should not forgive them for them. You forgive them for your benefit and kick their dust off your feet and move forward for a better life without them
@charlestew8792I needed to read this! Thanks❤️
I can forgive the act but that doesn’t mean I trust that person, nor does it mean I want them in my life. If the behavior doesn’t change, trusting that person again will lead to more manipulation, exploitation and hurt. Forgive the single grievance but if it happens again and again, it’s time to think about limiting the time spent with that person or just cut them out. Life is too damn short.
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FORGIVENESS IS NOT TOXIC POSITIVITY “FROM THE WORLD” BECAUSE FROM THE WORLD COMES UNFORGIVENESS. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORGIVENESS, TRUST AND ACCEPTANCE AND PEOPLE CONFUSE ALL THREE. YOU CAN FORGIVE TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PRISON OF UNFORGIVENESS BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU TRUST OR ACCEPT THEM AGAIN.
After growing up with my stepfather. I became a Christian when I was in my young 20’s. After my baptism, stepfather laughed and said, “As a Christian now, you have to forgive me.” He died in 1990. Never has a day passed that I am happier with him out of our lives.
I’m a Christian too, and people like that exploit a common misunderstanding of forgiveness. Forgiving a person doesn’t mean not holding them accountable or allowing them the same access to you. You can absolutely forgive someone AND ALSO cut contact, take them to court, move out, etc.
Even God doesn’t forgive those who don’t repent. I do hope the Lord has mercy on his soul, and that you heal.
So true. Forgive as the way God said. Give it up to God to deal with the narcissist and move on but don’t stay around the abusers. Kick the dust off your feet and move on. You are spot on Doctor whether you’re a Christian or Secular. Thank you
Exactly. Forgiveness is for you so you can move on. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or continuing to tolerate someone else’s bad behavior.
Forgive for your own peace of mind but dont ever break no contact with a narc
My greatest regret in life is being kind to my narcissistic mom. I have plenty of regrets in life (including not following my heart and pursuing art at a young age), but being kind to that monster is at the very top of the list.
I think it’s a mistake to forgive someone who won’t take accountability for what they’ve done. Narcissists refuse to acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong, they’d rather blame their victims.❤
Yeeesss, very true…
True For me never forget never forgive just move on
Thank you so much for speaking directly to me today. I have spent so many years feeling ashamed and deserving everything bad that has happened that I feel like giving up. Your teaching, guidance and understanding voice eases the shame and gives me hope and strength to keep trying. I can’t get out of my situation without careful planning for safety reasons. Thank you so much for shining a light onto such dark days.
Praying you a safe and clear path to freedom and a new life.💔❤🩹❤
My in-laws are narcissistic, my husband is trauma bonded/enmeshed. They play a chicken game and good cop-bad cop for everything. And after their abusive attacks, they also expect everything will be forgotten and forgiven. Because of your videos I have been able to detach myself from them to a great extent. And sometimes they perceive strengths of people are weaknesses and try to play chicken with that. It is very annoying and disturbing. Yes , without forgiving also one can stay in the relationship, don’t go deep and don’t chicken out!
Your story sounds like mine. Her videos have saved me I hope for you too!
We need to move past grey rock completely because the reality is it doesn’t work where you can’t get out. You have to appear warm. “You can’t be your authentic self on any day with a narcissist” omg so true. I felt awful avoiding the person emotionally, you unfortunately do have to give them lots of attention but keep yourself to yourself and just remind yourself any positivity they are sending your way isn’t real.
Forgiving my parent for being abusive, hateful and neglectful isn’t necessary for my healing. Nor is it something I’m willing to do.
Amen to that 🙏
I will only forgive a narcisist for my own good not out of kindness . I will forgive them just to forget them but not in kindness.😂✌️❤️
I asked my Catholic sponsor: “How do I pray for such a person?” She said: “Don’t pray for her, pray for yourself.”
“remaining in your relationship now doesn’t mean it will always be like this” you brought tears of joy and hope to my eyes 💛 thank you much doctor Ramani
Thank you so much this was so on point. A question I always had is that how can you really forgive someone when they aren’t even sorry? It makes no sense to me to begin with. You can move on and let it go for yourself, but you also let them go either physically, emotionally, or both.
So good. Thank you once again! This is such an issue with “spiritual guidance et al” I like to think of it like this. Forgive yourself number one. Full stop. Then get as far away as you can. You can practice compassion from a distance. The Dalai Lama didn’t stay in Tibet and forgive the Chinese. He got the hell out and then practices loving compassion from the other side of the border.
I’m living this. Thank you so much for your validation! Soul distancing really helps, also keeping an ultra private, security locked online journal. These things and your podcasts help keep me sane. ❤
Forgiveness is a process where one person acknowledges their wrong, indicates a desire to repair the relationship, and tells what they are willing to do to accomplish that. Then it’s up to the other person to accept that or not. I never forgave him because he never asked. That doesn’t mean he lives in my head and affects my life unless I want to go visit that.
Found another channel that has some really top notch doctors talking about personality disorders, and one of them is now talking about the “suffering” that narcissists experience and how society needs to understand that. The narcissists love him! They aren’t big fans of yours, Dr. Ramani, as you would expect! I haven’t seen any of the comments say anything like look, I hurt them badly and abused them for years while they tried their best to give me what I waned, so I kind of understand why they demonize us. Nope. It’s all about how those other doctors are demonizing them and working up their victims to hate them. Well, all I can say is — good job, Dr. Ramani!