THIS is how to PHONE IT IN in your narcissisitic relationship
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Keep it “simple” dont gaf what they assume or plot. Understand they aint changing and enjoy my life.
Half my life gone and I lose my kids with it, so it’s not just divorce, it’s losing my family and all I ever wanted was a family and stability
Starting over seems so refreshing yet scary, and now he’s making everything better. The house making more money, but abusing me more
I hear you.
I understand where you are coming from.
Same here
just one day at a time
Me too. It’s been almost 30 years since my divorce. The xhusband is so undermining, and made it very difficult for the kids to have a relationship with me. Now that I understand some of the behaviors, I realize I am lucky to have a relationship with them at all. The saving grace here, was that X didn’t like putting a lot if energy, time and money into children, so he needed me in their life to take care of things.
I have a relationship with my kids. It’s doable. I do not get to celebrate any holidays or special events with them. Communication often goes unanswered, but not always. It has been an eb and flow process. Currently it’s pretty good, but I’m careful to manage expectations. It does seem that as they get older our relationships are settling into a positive place.
So, yeah, it’s hard to describe how mean these people can be. I mostly want you to know that you are heard. Even though I don’t know you, I believe your experiences, and hope the best for you as you find your way.
Making you feel guilty, irresponsible, stuck, overwhelmed, paranoid, lost, forever attached to their future-faking, gaslighting, ghosting, smear campaigns, flying monkeys constant checks bullshit – is exactly what they expect from this never-ending game. It’s entirely up to you whether you’re going to play it or not.
So basically it’s your fault again which is what the narcissist would say and why she made this video. Not everyone has your life to just walk away. It’s trauma and abuse over time not a quick run to the gas station.
@@weareadventuresam Sorry, I think you misunderstood my point. I didn’t mean it was easy to walk away, I just tried to encourage victims to empower themselves and lead their own lives.
I played it for almost two decades before I found a way to SAFELY extract myself and the children from the relationship, and slowly get financially ‘just okay enough’ to be able to leave. And I was the major breadwinner. IYKYK
Sometimes we go into fawning mode because we think that’s the only mode. THAT’S habit.
But habits can be broken.
I do it so he leaves me alone
Again, you described my life to a tee. I recommended you to two people in the last two days. One directly and one to a friend of the person I was speaking with. As the second woman walked away I said “Be sure to tell her she is not alone”. That is why this channel is so important, I was isolated thinking it was me for almost 70 years.
Ditto.
Many dittos here
It’s so hard finding any healthy, genuine relationships these days. So I’ve chosen to stay by myself with my cat and our house.
Narcissism isn’t as common as people make it out to be, I would just advise to keep looking, it just takes a longer time as you get older that’s all. I have a hard time being alone although I am alone, the goal of mine was to find a life partner and I’m still looking myself.
Me too. I guard my peace.
@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq Way more common in my opinion.
@@Greenwings701 yeah, especially since they see us as optimal victims for them but we don’t notice and drop them in the first first red flag like a healthy self esteemed individual would
@@Greenwings701it certainly seems that way.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so now i just don’t. Tired of wasting time and energy on a dead thing.
@@lisageeck I follow my spiritual mentor and he advices people who are in a bad relationship, they should think like they were sleeping and not conscious when they got in to this relationship, but now they are awakened and full of consciousness and have a different perspective and think like it was just a bad dream. That’s how you grow yourself. He also doesn’t recommend to get married from the first place.
The old double bind. Yup.
I can’t say thank you enough to you Dr. Ramani for all your contents, knowledge and wisdom. I am phoning it in for many practical reasons and I have kids, it makes it even beyond hard to just lead when you don’t have any family/ friends. Your book “ It’s not you” has helped me tremendously to understand narcissism. Thanks for everything.
Thank You!
You are one of my very few friends.
I have been phoning it in with multiples for years now, but up until now, I didn’t have a name to call it by till I heard this video just now.
I have spent THOUSANDS of hours, since 2017… Listening and watching your videos. I learned from you how to correct unwanted traits in myself, that I had picked up in my life from toxic others. You made my life work. You explained the why, and the how & what to do and not do in order to free myself and grow again.
Then I began helping others by passing on all of your videos to others who came to me for help and good reason.
I have come to appreciate and love you for the heart that you have and the choices you’ve made in your life… becoming the teacher you became.
I am a better person because of you. I am happier because of you. I am capable now because of you. AND so are my friends, because of you.
Thank You again….
MUCH love….
Leslee Bellus.
Me too
Yes well put. My sentiments exactly. Much love to you dr ramani.
Me too!!
I grew up in a system where “phoning it in” was my only survival mechanism, and it helped me stay sane. I am no longer in contact with my original system. Now, without that family system in my head (NOT SHOUTING at me) , I find it easier to discover my own music and can see, think, and feel more clearly..
@@kryssysmith1486 You got it !!
Thank you its not anymore about a stuck relationship it instead is about stuck in a BS toxic situation. They have 1 intent that is to walk the innocent to their grave.
Just before you said it, I was going to comment on how difficult and inauthentic it feels to enact the “phone-it-in” scenario. Over time, I’ve gotten depressed and trudge through the acts. And it is an act. Preferable to defending, engaging, explaining, and personalizing, for sure. But drudgery, it is.
I’ve been phoning it in with a long time friend…my roll I the friendship is to listen to how much money she has and how she can afford everything she wants and how jealous everyone is of her…. I’m no longer phoning it in after the last couple years of this onesided friendship
Wow–you are so spot-on. My “phone-it-in” numbness HAS bled over into other healthy relationships. I’m less interested in life in general these days. Thanks for this talk. I’ll be able to navigate better now, methinks.
I like how you said methinks, it’s cute
Goodness Dr Ramani you always hit the nail on the head. It just feels numbing. It’s the red tool box in the kitchen, listening and not being heard, being talked over and negated, social silencing. Just going to the store has become unbearable. Just a few days ago we went grocery shopping, my husband talked to anyone who would listen about politics(very polarizing), how much he has to be careful not to upset me, how I’m always the boss and told the cashier that i have not laughed at one of his jokes for over a year. He has done this for years and I have even been approached by other men he antagonize that they “like their wife”. He has been working on the house which is great but needs a lot of praise and attention. Good news is my neighbor may be up for some traveling next year and is okay with me going alone. I hope it works out, will be a good change. Finding people to talk to has been a problem for me.
If you grow your self esteem, you won’t tolerate it and will realize you’re worth more and the pain of being with him is way more hen the pain of breaking up. If you let him go, then you may even be suddenly happy and content
@@anjellalo972 these relationships get so complicated. Not easy to get up and leave and he doesn’t want to leave. I planned to have the house paid for this year and life should be getting easier. I’m looking into affordable places to go.
@@kathyjustice1308 it’s not about him, it’s about your self value, I know because I experience it. I realized a few days ago, that I can’t have toxicity around, because it’s hurting me. The things I’m scared of dealing with for breaking up are not comparable to my suffering if I keep letting my boundries be crossed without enforcing them. Enforcing them, means once someone crosses a point then my actions have to reflect respecting how I feel and how I’ve been hurt, and sometimes the answer to a boundry being crossed is to distance yourself from or move on without this person in your life so that I can be happy and live in peace and be myself and focus on what’s right and fair for me.
@@kathyjustice1308 any person with healthy self esteem, would steer clear of these people we keep giving the 10,000th second chance to. We have to respect ourselves and honor our need for happiness and peace.
You have to practically be an actor to switch from phoning it in to engaging like a full human, like yourself, in the rest of life. Tends to twist us up because we need such a release in between. If we don’t it goes into the convos with the good people we know.
I thank my lucky stars for finding Dr. Ramani’s channel in mid 2020. I’d never have made it this far without her. I still have to deal with the narcissistic parent (now elderly) , but now I can do it in a way that’s healthier for me. I’m forever grateful to Dr. Ramani & this community. Thank you!
It is scary how bang on you are about this, Dr. Ramani. I am so done with people that are narcissists, and it seems, it’s quite something these days, to find people who are NOT narcissistic. Strategic – exactly, and yes, it does take a toll. It’s exhausting, either way and that’s why I like to spend more time with my dog. Seriously.
When a narcissist bullies someone, the unspoken question “Will you save me from me and make me the center of your world, or will you be a meanie and sacrifice someone else to avoid me?” is usually answered by ignoring and even scapegoating the victim rather than “reward” the behavior and watch it escalate. If you’re the victim, “phoning it in” means recognizing that you’re abused because the narcissist (unconsciously) thinks authority = narcissist’s responsible parent; you’re a hostage they’re using to demand a mommy, and the abuse is not about you at all.
Never under estimate a narcissist. You can only play that game for just so long. They “know” that you don’t give a damn. When they don’t get their “supply” they will either lash out violently or they will seek it elsewhere. If they find it elsewhere they will leave you in the dust no matter the circumstances.