This one mindset shift reveals if your relationship is toxic
Ever feel like things are always being done to you—not for you—in a relationship? This video breaks down one of the clearest signs of narcissistic behavior: when actions are about control, not care. Learn how this subtle shift reveals the true nature of a toxic dynamic.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
This is such as exceptional perspective. I’m going to study this “being done to” rather than “being done for” and how it manifests in my life.
A misuse of the doing something ‘for’ them is a narcissistic parent trying to sugar coat a punishment “It’s only for your own good”. My narcissistic parent used to try to get me to do things her way claiming she was “only doing this in the interest of her grandchildren”.
Classic!
Isn’t it interesting how narcissists will try to trick you by saying something is “FOR your own good” when, in fact, they stand to gain more from that action than you do?
Sometimes all they gain is attention from others and that’s enough for them.
I cannot count the number of times I heard he was doing (lying, etc) to “protect me”.
Bingo!
Toxic people have known the power in the word “for” a long time. Yet, this benefit goes in only one direction.
“Look at all I have done FOR you.”
“After all I’ve done FOR (fill in the blank), I’m still not respected.”
Your definition of “for” made me think of the word forgiveness. I found forgiveness for him. Best thing I ever did for myself. Thank you for all you do for those in these situations. 💐❤️🙏
“I did it so that YOU could …” Infuriating.
You know, what’s a shame is that, way back in the 1980’s and 1990’s, the term NPD wasn’t available in the diagnostic book. I’d be going to therapist after therapist, not learning anything about my codependency on narcissists. I could have greatly benefited from Dr. Ramani back then.
This goes back to Attila the Hun and before.
Well it’s named after a Roman man so it’s over 2000 years old that term
Good to know that you’re still sane.
A narcissistic parent does very little for their child yet they do a lot to their child.
😢
A narcissist parent won’t teach their kids any life skills, hoping they will need to rely on them. Also claims that you are so good at your job cause of them, when you never worked with them until 20 years into your career 😂
Well you are doing something For a lot of people and it is a beautiful gift you have for us. The gift of knowledge as to how we are hurting on a daily basis. You do things For people ma’am. All the time! Thank you!
My Ex mostly did things to me, claiming that he did things for me. Sadly I wasn’t aware and believed him.
I did my best to do everything for him, so that our relationship worked out as good as possible. When he broke up with me, he asked whether I had done something for the relationship, for him. Nothing of what I listed was good enough for him, he took all for granted.
Ah yes this makes a lot more sense to me. I’ve struggled with feeling ungrateful for all my narcissistic parents have done for me but actually, you are correct. It was TO me, not FOR me. I never wanted the things they gave me. In fact, the “doing everything TO me” caused me to not really learn anything from them. After I moved out at the age of 45, I realized how much I didn’t know because they didn’t actually teach me anything. Their attempt were to show me through anger, which shut me down. This caused them to consider me unintelligent. And subtly berate me without ever considering my feelings. They freeze when I show emotions, and look at me like I’m overreacting and crazy. They say they did everything for me… no, they did everything to me and took away my dignity in the process. They still see themselves as perfect and I’m the disappointment. I’m an Indian American woman, never married no children so that adds to the shaming. They never say it directly but the feeling is there. The Indian culture is often horrible to good women. I’m so grateful I live in the US. I’m sure I would have been verbally stoned to death for being my loving kind self lol. Thank you Dr Ramani. Your work and testimony from other survivors help the most. I’m just sad I didn’t know about this much sooner. ❤
This is such a revelatory and amazing distinction!
Thank you so much dr Ramani 🙏 the things narcisists do to people are unbelievable and almost surreal! The level of arrogance, entitlement and audacity they have just blow your mind!
This was a major insight for me and has helped me understand why collaboration is a value that matters immensely to me. Thank you!
This was spot on. Never heard it verbalized like this before. It went from being a feeling – to a concrete behavior. Thank you!
Confucius said something like the right word for something is the beginning of wisdom.
Of course, with a self-righteous narcissist you will constantly be told about all the things they have done for you, so that their charity can be weaponized against you.
Narcissistic parents always claim they did things for you, whilst what they’re doing isn’t what you wanted, or even if it aligns they still somehow take the credit. They do things too their children, because it’s what they wanted. They even manipulate you into thinking it’s what you wanted, or they try to! There is no asking and if you asked as a child, it’s often a harsh no. You learn to align and do what they want and loose any sense of self.
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I’ve had boyfriends that were abusive but it’s just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it’s something u can’t even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex’s did or what would hurt u most. That’s what’s so confusing then they blame u somehow because it’s always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can’t picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing.
I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won’t give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you!
Additionally, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process…. Thank you so much for helping me out MetaspyHub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Thank you. This touched my heart. So true. Thank you Dr Ramani thank you for doing all this work for us survives.
Yes. The only way I see a narcissistic person doing something for another person is transactional. That person will owe the narcissist at a later time. Doing something for someone could also be for posturing to make himself look better to others. It’s never selfless. There are ALWAYS strings attached even if you don’t see the strings.
Like 1 I know, I want to keep working after retirement to help you guys out. No its so you can get easy money lol if you don’t do anything to help anyone now then how is it helping us
The CN I’m married to always claims that he does things for me and the family. Which is BS because there’s always strings attached. And if the favor isn’t paid back, then he’ll do something to you.
Captures my relationship with my family perfectly. There are so many narcissists in my family, I’m amazed at how consistent it is.