Toxic Reframing
It’s one of the most invalidating things survivors hear: “It’s not that bad.” When friends, family, or even therapists minimize the pain of a narcissistic or toxic relationship, it can leave you doubting your own reality all over again. In this video, Dr. Ramani explains why people say things like this, how it deepens the cycle of gaslighting, and what you can do to protect your truth. You’re not overreacting—the pain you feel is real.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Thank you so much for all you do for us!!!
Please make a video about narc abuse survivors who keep getting abandoned
Hope the surgery goes well.. my condolences…❤❤❤ ur feelings are valid… love you dr. Ramni😊🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
“Someone has it worse” is one of the most effective ways to keep people quiet about their pain.
It doesn’t build perspective, it builds shame.
There will always be someone poorer, more traumatized, more bereaved. That doesn’t magically make your grief, your debt, or your nervous system any less real.
What she’s describing isn’t resilience. It’s emotional gaslighting dressed up as “gratitude” and “mindset.”
I’ve been talking a lot on my channel about this exact pattern, how we use comparison to silence people instead of sitting with the discomfort of their reality.
I decided long ago not to get into pissing contests about whether my trauma is less/more than theirs. I take that as a gigantic red flag and just don’t invest much of my time with people like that. It’s not my job to grow other people up. I’ve suffered with my traumas most of my life and I just don’t have the time any longer for nonsense.
I forgive those people and I pray for them to be delivered from their own demons.
Just my two cents.
Well said!
Thank you! Boy, do I wish I could be your patient. You’re a real treasure, Dr. Ramani.
Thank you!!! 🙌 People are absolutely ridiculous with invalidation of others!
It’s amazing, and gross all the ways these abusive behaviors slip into the healing process. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Dr. Ramani, I am so sorry for your loss and for everything you’re going through. It’s impressive that despite everything you’re going through, you continue to show up for your followers. This content is SO needed—-I totally agree with you and see this in my work (also a therapist). I feel invalidation is one of the most harmful ways we treat one another. Thank you for this video and I hope you have one or two support people who are helping you through this rough time in your life. I appreciate you!❤
Beautifully said. Thank you @laurenkuckelman701.
Sorry for your loss, Dr Ramani. Sending you healing energy.
Yes, I get reframed and I also try to still be grateful about my situation aka reframe myself. When friends are trying to bright-side me and tell me to pray more, I tell them that my problems with my mother, who is narc and has alz and I’m the only caregiver, is still a hard situation to be in and I have to acknowledge that. So, I validate myself because I don’t get it anywhere. I’m able to do this now and not feel crazy by those who reframe me because I learned a lot from Dr Ramani videos for 2 years now. Thank you.
Unless someone has gone through it,I’m not sure anyone can understand it . That doesn’t excuse the behavior of invalidating other people’s experiences
Thank you Dr Ramani. I’m so sorry to hear about your losing your mom. My heart breaks for you going thru that and having multiple surgeries on top of it and having such inconsiderate responses. I’m sending you so much love and rest and comfort for your heartbreaking and your weary soul. ❤❤❤❤❤May you be surrounded with peace and support and love in the ways that your healing needs.
Also, thank you for addressing this again. I get so tired and angry at this response, as if I don’t have a black belt in toxic positivity reframing, bypassing and self gaslighting already, I don’t need it on top of my own internalized voices. Why is the world so allergic to empathy compassion and validation when someone is clearly suffering?
Such a lovely comment.
My narc used to say at least i dont hit you, at least i give u money, ect… or when youre next to me youre next to perfect. People would hear him say horrible things and laugh with him or pretend they didnt hear. The world likes staying in thier delusional bubble where no one has to confront the narcissist, and all the trains run on time. The longer a narc is allowed to behave this way, the worse it gets.
It’s when your parents tell you to ignore how your sister treats you, or the things she does behind your back, to make them feel better. They’ve done this for over 40 years. They’re now in their 80’s and I’ve gone limited contact in the last 4 years, when I made the decision to have my own life at the age of 49! But I still struggle with not wanting to upset them because of their age and their health issues. It’s a constant battle as no one cares about my mental health.
Let them die, save yourself.
When I was in total denial about the abuse I was suffering, my counselor was kind of frustrated. I kept saying that very thing – other people had it worse. She finally asked me “If one person has one broken leg and another has two broken legs, should the person that only has one broken leg not get it taken care of?” Sadly, I was still in denial then. It took decades for me to get it.
I wish we could all get more comfortable validating others feelings. “That really sucks, I’m sorry”. That’s all it takes, we don’t need to convince anyone to change their feelings.
100% agree. I too have experienced “bright siding” about my difficult life and I must say nothing, absolutely nothing makes me more angry. I try to remind myself that these are people that are extremely superficial and who would not have even survived a portion of the abuse I was subjected to. Sometimes that works and sometimes I just let out my frustration by screaming at them when I am driving alone in my car. I can only imagine what the cars that are passing me think is going on in there.
Oh my gosh! I feel the same way!!! Thank you for sharing.
It goes along with the saying, “There is no good or bad but thinking makes it so.” Cognitive reframing is the essence of toxic positivity.
I’m very grateful that you exist. Thank you.
Right on. It’s similar to, “some people can’t get a job in this economy” to justify staying in a toxic workplace.
I hear this from people all the time and I say to them. Your issue is still an important issue for you regardless of what other people are going through.
Those are very healing words.