What therapists wish they could tell survivors of narcissistic abuse
Therapists aren’t here to give advice – but that doesn’t mean we don’t have thoughts. We sit with you, we root for you, and sometimes, we wish we could just say, please, please leave them. But that’s not how therapy works. So what can a therapist actually do for you in a narcissistic relationship? Let’s talk about it.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My last therapist victim blamed me. She said it takes 2 to tango
I was never told that directly but was never understood by my psychologist. He would make suggestions on how we could get along with each other. Something that’s just not possible with narcissists. I’m sorry to hear you were blamed by your therapist. I can imagine how invalidating that was for you. Take care.
Yep, therapists can be toxic and ignorant, too. My therapist told me after only 3 sessions or so that I would never leave the narcissist. Well, that was our last session and I’m now 6 months narc free! There are some great therapists out there, but I’ve yet to be in therapy with someone who has a deep understanding of how to treat narcissistic abuse.
A few therapists have said, “I don’t believe you, it can’t be replicated in a laboratory, Shouldn’t you be over this by now, Why do you play the victim?”
Yup. My therapist told me basically my fault for not “setting boundaries.” She told me that after a period of time, I would look back fondly on the relationship. I would remember all the good times. Nope. Just the opposite. I now see the relationship for what it was. Really, is there any standardized training for “therapists?” Or is it a crap-shoot. Might get lucky and get an informed therapist, might not. Good luck. Doubly abused. Narcissist and clueless therapist.
She sounds like my sister, who is a therapist!
When you realise that you are dealing with a destructive narcissist, I can say with absolute certainly that half of recovery is done.
As a survivor, I venture to disagree. Recognising that the problem is narcissistic behaviour by another or others does not relieve profound emotional and relational distress.
Yep.
Yep. I agree. I have proper closure.
@@pashakdescilly7517 a journey of discovery has a starting point … different for each person.
So true. Until you understand who and what they truly are you can’t begin to heal.
Good to know that therapists don’t give advice but give tools to survive and make our own decisions.
Wow, I realise that I’ve had some lousy/abusive therapists. I guess thats why I have decided that only I can help me. I can’t and no longer rely on others.
I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. Yes indeed there are some unethical therapists, but there are ethical ones too. But it’s understandable that you want to work on it yourself, and if you have the resources, it is definitely better than being with an abusive therapist.
Therapists never helped me, either. Finally, I had a meditation instructor let me borrow the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and I started learning about narcissism. I had been married for 18 years, and the year I learned about narcissism, I left my husband. I think of all the time, and especially money, I wasted on therapists, and not one recommended a single book for me to read on abusive marriages.
@@denisedevoto5703 there’s another person who talks about narcissism, and the info similarly helped me. Jerry Wise, on YouTube. He talks about self differentiation from toxic family patterns.
“Self help is the best help.” -Bruce Lee (get Dr. Ramani’s book “it’s not you”.)
Same here. I’ve had a therapist tell me that my actual physical pain was all in my head, one was pushing me to be more subservient to the narcissist, and another spent whole sessions telling me about her first husband who was a narcissist. I gave up on them and found Dr. Ramani. I feel more competent and stronger than I have in a very long time.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse from my mother and I love your material. It has helped me alot for the past few years. Keep doing what you do. You are a blessing to us.
An intake psychologist, palliative care, interviewed Mom, 92yo. Next, he sat down with me for questions. I lived in Oregon, Mom In Arizona. I will always remember what he said. “Have you grieved the mother you never had?” That began my journey to discover why I always felt like I was never enough. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Thanks for your reply. My mom just text me and reminded me that she will be 93 in April and that she had talked to other family members about me etc. I HAVE NEVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH. But it’s ok. Now I have my subject for my youtube video I will be posting today- got my topic.
This is @ impactfulgems
I went to therapy for five years. Best investment of time, money and energy that I think I ever did. I remember my therapist telling me one time, “you have good instincts, you just need to listen to them.” Her words have resonated with me many times over the years, and I remind myself to listen to my instincts.
I agree! Therapy has been the best investment in me! I’ve made better, caring friends who care about my needs and hurts.
Ahahah, I’m very “I can’t trust my guy with dairy, and you think I can trust it will my life choices?” 😅
I could have told you that , for free. Your friends who know you could have told you that and it wouldn’t resonate with you because it didn’t come from a therapist .
@@Sparky-if9sn true, it’s the therapy context that makes a difference.
Did you keep the same therapist all 5 years?
I worked as a caregiver for some very confused people. One such person was a woman who had basically wrecked her own life. She was not a pleasant person. I saw her struggle. So I started making small suggestions. At first she was angry but then I said “I realize that some things are hard for you, let me help with those decisions until you are able to do it yourself. Then I’ll withdraw.” She looked very relieved. She let me lead until she found decisions easier. It became clear to her that I never used her finances for anything for me and I helped her to pursue her own interests. Somedays we all feel overwhelmed and a trusted helper and guide is what we need.
Exactly.
She was safe with you, because you acted in an ethical manor.
@@suzannepatterson3445
Thank you.
@ You’re very welcome.
What I’ve learned by myself is I’m the strongest person in the world because I’ve lived with it for 50 years and still counting. 💔💔💔
that’s so moving that u write this… really… it moves me deep, and that u say that about yourself, most of us should say that about ourselves! bless u from Belgium
I wish when a couples therapist knows one of the people is being abused could tell that person privately that is happening. It would save them instead of making them even more financially vulnerable by keeping on charging them for a relationship that is causing insurmountable damage.
I am so glad you made this comment. I was being emotionally & financially abused, constantly screamed at my son was being shredded and yelled at, treated with contempt and actually sabotaged by his father. I kept fighting to defend my child, but I kept paying $120 hr. for therapy. I went with my son, but his father sexually abused him. My son ended up commiting suicide ( with a little absent minded help from his evil and jealous father) after my son was dead, I asked my therapist how to deal with the extent of the child sexual abuse my husband inflicted upon my disabled son. His answer “what does it matter. Your son is dead. How is focussing on his abuse help you grieve?” Omg.
@@intelligentcat192 I am so sorry you went through that. My deepest condolences on the passing of your son. I can only imagine what you’re feeling. I hope you find healing😢
The irony of asking a therapist for the “right way” to say things to the narcissist is, in my opinion, that if you have to ask, the narcissist has already planted the seed of doubt in your head that you aren’t doing it right…whatever “it” is.
Yea, the issue to the narc is not their harmful abusive behavior and neglect. No, it’s you and your “poor communication” that are the real issue – how dare you bring up problems (now here comes the stonewall and the silent treatment).
My experience is that the four psychologists I have consulted regarding narcissistic abuse know too little what narcissm, borderline, skizoism, psychopathy and etc. really is…I have had to find out myself and get educated myself what narcissism is and what it takes to heal from the sick and crazy abuse going on being near a pathological narcissist… there is no chance that a pathological narc will talk, understand and change ..they are rotten to their core and there is no human being at home inside them…its just a black empty hole…just run and do your healing
Not everyone with a degree is competent. The same thing applies to MDs, plumbers, teachers, etc. The trick is to weed out the incompetent ones before they waste your time and money.
AMEN! Bunch of losers! How did those idiots even get their PHD’s?
Therapy is good.
It would be awesome to find a competent therapist I could afford.
Sometimes you don’t have a support network. Sometimes you have been so isolated you don’t have someone that will say “Leave him, leave him!”. But you DO have abuser’s flying monkeys that say “Stay! Don’t be a quitter! Maybe you are the problem!”……When I was close to being at my wit’s end with my abuser……what I really needed was good advice. If I had received some, I would have gotten out sooner. You feel helpless because you are helpless. Even when you pay money for help there is none.
From the very beginning of the marriage I was labeled as the problem
I feel you. Nevertheless, the point is, a therapist isn’t a life coach or a mentor. It’s important to make the distinction ❤️🩹
@@IndraniSasmal-q9j Since birth, for me.
I agree. I also understand what is going on, but I wish I would have someone to support me and tell me what I should do. And lift me up when things are difficult. Therapist should give advice and just add that in the end it is our responsibility. That would help a lot
I hear you,been there. The flyings monkeys reinforced the abuser’s power over me.
Because of your work, and other therapists online talking about things: I went NC with both of my parents, went to therapy, started college (as an adult) and started making big changes in my life
I have a lot of work left to do, but I can see how far I’ve come and I hope one day I’ll be able to trust myself…and others.
Some progress in this narcissistic journey is huge. Knowing is half the battle when in these narcissistic relationships.
Thank-you, Dr. Ramani. This explains a LOT. X, quit marriage counseling, after just one meeting with therapists- three times. X felt that the therapists ‘were – all wrong’ for not agreeing with him, instantaneously. X was so fixated, that all of his behavior- was my fault- that he actually felt, that I would be instantly labeled as the cause of the problems, and did not want to change his behaviors, in order to progress our family (five children) forward. When the therapists stepped up- asked questions, and told him, that his attitude, and behavior was not “normal” he immediately removed himself from the conversation- his response was; ‘The Silent Treatment’; and to drag as many ‘enablers’ into abusing me as possible. I’m so glad that you are an encouraging voice for all of us. Thank-you.
I have had a wonderful therapist. She gave me back myself. She supported & validated what I was feeling & experiencing. She never ‘advised’ me or forced any opinion on me. She held up a mirror, offered subtle hints about where I was going or helpful places for information to delve further. She ALWAYS pushed me to trust myself & be authentic and that ‘safe space’ she made for me was all that was necessary. I will always be grateful, that she was there when I was so lost.
You have explained why therapy only re traumatised me.
When I left him for the last time 35 years ago narcissistic abuse wasn’t on their radar.
I was lost and needed advice from someone I could trust but all I got was pokerface platitudes and toxic positivity.
And decades of self blame!
What therapists are supposed to give their clients is called unconditional positive regard. Toxic positivity is when someone tells you NOT to feel your negative feelings, and only feel your positive feelings, or they tell you not to focus on the negative traits and only focus on the positive traits. That is something a narcissist might say to their client.
I think part of the problem is that most of us don’t know the role a therapist plays. We don’t know what they can do and what they can’t do. For example, you can be in couples therapy with a narcissist, and the therapist can’t tell you their diagnosis if there is one. Seriously. That’s a privacy violation for the narcissist, and it’s been that way for decades now. What they can say are things like, “You should prepare yourself because it can/might take a long time to treat what is going on with your partner, so expect several years of therapy before you see noticeable changes.”
If the partner is a danger to you the therapist CAN and is required to warn you of that, like if they’re fantasizing about ending your life or hurting the children to get back at you.
I have TWICE had therapists tell me, 19 years apart, that two different males I was dating had long-term therapy ahead of them by saying” “his plate is VERY full and will have much to work on, so you need to think about whether or not you want to go along for that ride” and “It often takes several years to work through this before the behavior changes”. I’m grateful to BOTH of those female therapists for telling me what they were legally allowed to say. I left in BOTH cases. That first male accused me of being a narcissist. She told me to NEVER allow another person to suggest I’m a narcissist because it couldn’t be further from the truth, and she apologized (in front of him) for not being allowed to tell me what his diagnosis is, and he will not allow me to know it. That was back in 1998. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was back then. The DSM wasn’t even created in the US until 1952.
It may also shock you to learn that psychologists are NOT trained or educated on personality disorders, only psychiatrists have that education. Oh, actually a very small percentage of psychologists receiving a PhD in two narrow fields of study: forensic psychology and abnormal psychology receive education on personality psychopathology. All the rest have to PAY for additional post-doc education.
I’ve been used by narcissists for most of my life. But there was no language for what I was going through. I didn’t even have the word. Now that I know what it is, I feel like I’ve at least got a fighting chance. Thank you.
Not leaving to protect the kids from his custody of them is very valid. I did this too. ❤❤❤
Me also as at least I could supervise. We eventually split, he left , got the kids on their own and abused them. I was right to have stuck it out. He was barred from seeing the kids, ever and lost all parental rights xx