When Empathy for a Narcissist Becomes Self-Destructive
You may think your empathy will eventually reach a narcissist—but it never does. What looks like kindness or sensitivity from them is usually manipulation, performance, or strategy. In this video, Dr. Ramani explains why giving endless empathy to a narcissist doesn’t just go nowhere—it can actually harm you in the long run.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Having empathy for the narcissist could eventually destroy you. They will always push your boundaries and expect more and more from you. Without considering how it’s affecting you. All they can really do is destroy, in order to preserve their false self.
Hahaha! If you have empathy for a narcissist it will be used to manipulate. And if they show any for you, it is exactly that, a show for any observers or to trick you into believing they give a hoot. Either way, it’s used to manipulate.
Yes, exactly, it is used to manipulate persons…
And their empathy can look absolutely real if they’re skilled
I have no empathy for narcs.
Me neither. I used to have it, and they used it to manipulate me and take advantage of my good faith. So, that’s over now.
100% AGREE …THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR WORK AND SUPPORT ❤
They never ever come around…..never….the sooner we sink it the better
Whenever you say no to them you are the worst person on earth and “don’t have empathy”
They hate boundaries and react very badly to them, to the point where it’s difficult for them to “come back” from it and not plot how they’re going to get back at you. They play the long game with that. They have long memories and never forget. Sometimes it’s years before they get their revenge. I’m just waiting for it with a narcissist I currently have in my life, wondering when it will happen, cos it definitely will. If I could get away from this person I would but we’re kind of pushed together by circumstance.
Great set of messages. I appreciated the “emotional pickpocket” reference a lot. It applies to my situation. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
I didn’t know what narcissist was until 2019 after leaving my third husband and oh boy was it an eye opener and being single and finding someone then finding out their not who they say they are is so very hard when you become single again.
I had to learn how not to show up. VERY, VERY hard, especially with a lifetime as a helper, caregiver and scapegoat.
My Mother has no empathy for me, the Scapegoat! She abuse me without any consequences!
“Empathy has really gotten cheapened.” So true. People seem to think if they say “Jesus loves you” and give you a doughnut, that can make up for decades of narcissistic abuse and you will miraculously become healed.
When you try too hard, they think that you have “no standards”. In other words, you set the standard for how people treat you.
It took me nearly 50 years to figure that being agreeable and avoiding an argument actually got you more abuse because narcacists take advantage of your good nature.
I’m starting to organically feel less empathy for my mother and more for myself – the more she keeps pushing my buttons.
My mum pulls me in just far enough to then take a swipe.
My mother is either smashing me down or acting sickeningly, inauthenticly sweet.
My nervous system never feels safe. In either state they are in.
I’m falling apart. I’m in therapy – but there’s only so much that can do. And even if I’m not around her I’m still traumatised.
I hear you. I started to withdraw and life started to improve. I hope you feel better soon.
@kmaxton ❤thank you so much for sharing your experience. That’s so great to hear. Your thoughtful words of support are a gift to me. Bless your beautiful heart. Keep going 😊 ❤ 🌈
Empathy without boundaries is self destruction
Right on! I was one of those couples therapists trained by John Gottman. Lovely work and as I was also married to a passive aggressive covert narcissist….. I hurt others unknowingly and I suffered greatly because our therapist was gaslit by my ex whose cruelty progressed and was horrifying to our therapist. We all had empathy with him that was destructive. My mother recently passed. At 95 she had smeared me and walked away from me and my family trying to hurt us I imagine to compliance. My son and I showed up at the end, free to love her unconditionally while knowing how to protect ourselves from her wounds she refused to face. Bless you Dr Ramani. Your work is of the times. It helps me keep showing up to be the Love I am, and not hate that the narcissistic folks hate me. That takes me from me and this is what I can heal. Staying mySelf doing clean up on myself, not the shame and blame they gave me to hold that almost had me want to leave this Earth a number of times, not understanding projection of their need for supply was their “ego side” onto me who felt like suicide. No. Being the Love I Am is the Truth. Let the egos go by.
Brilliant seminar as usual. I seem to have been surrounded by narcissists and people on the autistic spectrum for a lot of my life and often wondered why both are drawn to me. If someone makes overtures towards me it will often be one of the two… of course I have had a small number around me with typical empathy, but it is extremely rare these days.
My covert narc ex wife and my grandiose narc brother got together a year ago. The world is now a better place.
They said “it’s fate”. Trauma bonds sucks, and I spoke to her two days ago for the first time in months…I said I don’t even know who you really are; I really don’t.
She says….”I am sorry you feel that way.” 😂
I never thought that cognitive empathy was really empathy. Soooo good to hear this !
2:17 “Empathy has really gotten cheapened…”
So true! It seems like narcissists are using performative empathy as another weapon in their arsenal of abuse.
Took me a loooong time to realise that it wasnt genuine. Its shocking when realisation hits.